I sit down on one of the lawn chairs that someone in the building had set up here. I wonder if that person likes to come up here at night and think. I'm trying to think about anything but the situation at hand. I'm absolutely terrified by what is happening to me. I've never let myself get this caught up over one person, I've made sure that I didn't get close enough to anyone so that they wouldn't get hurt. Connor's different though, there is no way in the world that I could make him leave and I know for a fact that he doesn't want to.
I know that I shouldn't be jealous of Tyler but I can't help but envy the relationship that they have. It's so easy for them to talk to each other and they are so physically comfortable around each other. I wish that I could just skip all this awkward fake bullshit stuff with Connor and get to the real stuff. I understand him being cautious around me, I mean I did try to kill him the first time that we met.
Jealousy is kind of a new feeling to me in the way that I just felt it. I mean I've been jealous of people having like normal lives and stuff but I've never been jealous like romantically. It scares me that I already care for Connor this much but I don't want to stop caring for this man. He's such a unique soul like I've never met before. He's shy at times yet he's a social butterfly and loves talking to people. He enjoys long walks and star gazing with his friends, he likes having deep conversations with people about life and how you shouldn't wait for anything. I've never been on the receiving end of one of those conversations but I can't wait until the day I am. Just looking around his room this morning before getting up, I could tell that he is the artsy type. Though from what Dan and Phil told me he stifled that side of him in his younger years to try to fit in.
I don't really like that I learned all of these things form a paper that Dan and Phil gave me. It makes me feel like I'm cheating somehow. I would much rather have learned everything about Connor by being around Connor. I wish I could start over with him so that we could do this all right. I guess there is no use in wishing for the past to be better or wondering what the future might hold. I need to live for now and right now my soul mate is cuddled up to our best friend on our couch. I shouldn't feel like this, I shouldn't have run away like that like I'd walked in on them doing the dirty.
Admitting things to myself hasn't always been my strongest quality but right now I don't think I can deny it anymore. I have feelings for Connor that are much stronger then what they should be seeing as we've only know each other a short time. I can't get the thought of pressing my lips to his tender pink ones out of my head and frankly it's bothering me that I can't just go in there wake him up and kiss him. I mean I could if I wanted him to get mad at me and slap the shit out of me. I feel like a lot of things are going to end up being blurred into each other because this relationship is so not normal.
Cuddling to me feels so intimate and personal and Connor has no trouble doing that for me when I need him to keep my bad dreams away. Connor is the kind of person that I would think would really have to be comfortable around someone to let them cuddle them. He seems like the kind of person that cherishes things like that yet he didn't give a second thought to cuddling me and sleeping in the same bed as me. Maybe he's not over thinking every little detail like I am and he just thinks that he's just helping me sleep. For some reason though I think it's a bit more than that. The way we look at each other and the way that his arms feel so perfect wrapped around my waist, it's something special and I don't want to take things to fast and make him uncomfortable.
It's dark by the time I head back down to the apartment, the halls are quiet as I walk them. I unlock the door to the apartment and step inside hoping that Tyler is gone. I love Tyler to death but I don't really think I can handle seeing him right now especially if he's wrapped up in my soul mates arms. Jealousy is a weird feeling and it's like a monster. I feel like in the right situation jealousy could make me do and say things that I wouldn't otherwise do.
I find Connor in the living room sitting with his laptop on his lap and a drink in his hand. That's fine and all but here's the nice thing, he's not wearing a shirt and I can't help but stare at his toned body. His skin is smooth, tan and I just want to run my fingertips across the of his-wait what? Troye stop it. You do not need to be thinking about that and damn it now you've been staring at him for too long.
"Enjoying the view Mr. Mellet?" He asks me without looking up from the screen of his laptop. I stand there for a few more moments before I realize that I need to look away from his abs. My eyes flick around the room before landing on Connor's perfect emerald orbs. I put on a sassy smile and reply to him as I walk out of the room to the kitchen.
"More than you know, Con." I look over my shoulder and wink at him as his jaw drops. I giggle as I walk into the kitchen intending to prepare myself a meal, I'm happy when I see that Connor has already cooked something so I just need to warm it up. I put some food on a plate and put it in the microwave waiting impatiently for the microwave to beep. It didn't take all that long for the microwave to beep and when I took the hot food out of the microwave I headed back to the living room and sat on the couch next to Connor. "Did you have a nice day?" I ask as I start to eat my food, I'm sure he has stuff he wants to talk about and anything is better then the nothing that I did all day.
"It was pretty good. Way to many people asked me questions about you but I think I handled them all pretty well. I'm almost finished editing the pictures for the new article and I think they turned out really well. Oh and Zalfie invited us to dinner on Friday." Connor says shutting his laptop and laying it on the floor next to his feet. That's one thing that I really like about Connor, he doesn't like it when people are on their phones or using their laptops when they could be having real interaction with someone right in front of them. That's a great quality to have and I'm so glad that my soul mate has it.
"Dinner?" I ask trying not to sound to excited about the idea of pretending to be a couple. If I'm being completely honest I would have to say that I actually really like holding hands with Connor and being cuddly with him. It's different with him even though we shouldn't be at that level yet we somewhat are. We seem to be fairly comfortable around each other. I mean Connor is sitting here without a shirt on like it's nothing and I can't help but want to stare at him.
"Yeah they just want to have a nice little double date. They wanted to go to that diner down the street from work. You know the one with the maroon paint job?" I nod telling him that I know what he's talking about and he looks away from me for a moment as I finish eating. I'm just realizing that I hadn't voiced my opinion on going to the date when Connor speaks up in a somewhat meek voice, "We don't have to go if you don't want to. I can make up some excuse."
"No, Connor, it's fine. It'll be fun." I pick up my plate and leave the room with out waiting for him to say anything in response. I wash my plate off and set it in the strainer before heading to the bathroom for a shower. I shower quickly and make it back to my room with no catastrophes. I put on a pair of boxers and that's it, it is really to hot to wear anything more then that. I stay in my room for a couple hours before deciding that tonight I don't want to wake up at all from bad dreams. I just want a peaceful night and I know what I have to do to achieve that.
I swallow my pride and walk through the open door of Connor's room seeing that he has already turned the light off. I heard him moving around just a few minutes ago so I know that he isn't asleep yet. I hear him shuffle in his bed then the bedside light flicks on and Connor squints as his eyes adjust to the light.
"Decided to stop being dumb?" Connor asks me with a dorky smile on his face. Damn why is this kid so desirable? I have feelings for this kid that I can't describe and honestly I'm not so sure I want to know what they really are.
"I guess so." I say softly as Connor lifts up his blanket and invites me to lie down with him. I freeze for a moment before walking around to the other side of the bed and taking his offer. The blanket falls on my bare shoulder and Connor flicks the light off. He slides down on the bed next to me and we are both lying on our backs looking at the ceiling of his room in the dark. "If anything about this makes you even slightly uncomfortable you don't need to do this."
"It's fine Tro, honest. Usually it takes me awhile to feel like..." he trails off putting his hands behind his head. "physically comfortable with people but with you it was so different. Maybe it's because your my soul mate, to me that's the only logical explanation. The kind of cuddling we do is something I wouldn't do with anyone else. It's different then how I would snuggle up to one of my friends...I don't know it's like more intimate. Everything in my brain is screaming that I shouldn't trust you but then there is just a little part of me that knows that there is some reasons I should trust you." I roll on my side to look him in the eye at the same time that he decides to the same resulting in our faces ending up about three inches from each others.
"As long as your comfortable." I say in a breathy whisper feeling my chest tighten in reaction to the closeness of Connor. I really fucking want to kiss him but I don't want to make this awkward for him. Screw it I need to live for now and not worry about what might happen after this. I start to lean my head in and he leans back, my heart does that thing where it feels like it dropped to my toes and I fly out of his room at top speed. Fuck why did I do that? Fuck. I pull on the first clothes that I find and run out of the door as I hear him calling my name.
"Troye can we just talk about this?" He yells as I slam the door and run out of the building trying to think of somewhere where he won't be able to find me. I just want to be alone to think of the mistake that I've made. He obviously didn't want to kiss me and, even though I know at this stage in our relationship it shouldn't hurt, it hurts like hell. I don't really think I've ever had this feeling before, it's kind of like a dull ache on the left side of my chest. It's not pleasant and I try my hardest to block the thought out as I continue to run down the road. I end up sitting on a swing in a park about two blocks from the apartment. It's kind of creepy being here at almost eleven at night, it's abandoned save me. It's quiet though which doesn't help my quest to push the thought of my rejected kiss out of my mind. It's a couple hours before I hear footsteps behind me, I don't turn around knowing that if this person holds any threat I can hurt them.
"Troye come home." Connor's voice rings through my ears from behind and I stand up and turn around. He's wearing an over sized La Crescent, Minnesota sweatshirt with baggy gym shorts and trainers. Despite the clothing I still find him indescribably adorable. He doesn't look like he's mad at me, maybe a little scared but not mad at all.
"Okay." I say not seeing why I shouldn't come home with him. I know that we are going to have to talk about this but maybe he'll just let me go to bed with out talking about it. As soon as we start driving home I know I'm wrong.
"We can't just not talk about this." He says looking straight ahead as he drives us the short distance home. "I'm not mad at you, Troye. Don't be too hard on yourself, okay? I was surprised and I honestly, as stupid as it sounds, don't think I'm ready to kiss you yet." I feel a weight lifted from my chest at his words, at least he's not mad. He will want to kiss me eventually, I'm just going to have to be patient for awhile.
"It's not stupid. Take all the time you need, Con. I don't know what I was thinking. I should have asked you not just acted on impulse. I'm sorry." We walk up to our apartment together and I put an arm around his should trying to comfort him. I don't like him thinking that he's stupid that's not okay. We both walk into Connor's room and no protest leaves his lips, actually he smiles at me as we strip out of our clothes into our boxers. I'm the first one to lie down and when Connor lies down he doesn't waste anytime pulling me closer to him so he can spoon me. We don't say anything and I think the silence speaks a thousand words.
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A/N
Hey guys it's Amanda and I just wanted to put a new update up because I was in the mood to write so I did and this is the product of that time. I think this chapter is fairly good and I hope you think the same. If you liked any part of this chapter please:
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OMG you guys I got Connor's book yesterday (April 22nd) and I finished it in less then 24 hours. It's honestly so good and I'm not just saying that because my ConDaBon wrote it. It is truly a great book with many amazing topics in it.