What Would Daddy Do?
The words were burned into Tess's mind now, and she couldn't stop thinking about them. She had bought the bracelet for Spike as a kind of joke, knowing how much he wanted to take after his father. She hadn't known the full story, but she had seen the way he almost worshipped the man. Now she knew why; it wasn't a happy story, but it was a powerful one. Where people could have been afraid, Spike had seen it as an inspiration. A sign that Mr Luger was handing off the baton to him, the new generation. She didn't want to think about Spike sacrificing himself to save kids, but she was sure that she would.
She was becoming more and more certain now that she was in love with this boy, even if he didn't understand his own emotions. Even if he would never think of her like that, she wanted to be as close to him as she could possibly be, and go with him wherever he wanted to go.
But now she kept imagining him as some kind of daddy figure; a substitute parent while hers were so far away. Or not so much a parent, as somebody who could treat her like a child. Somebody who might be able to say the trigger phrases that Ffrances had given her, and make her feel like a child again. Just a week before, Tess had been absolutely sure that she didn't want to be a little kid. She loved feeling like she was in control, and the times she'd done that stuff with Gabby and Tess, her enjoyment had all come from the feeling that she was learning something new, and starting to understand something that had seemed beyond belief. She had told herself that experiencing posthypnotic suggestions and learning how they worked, what they could do, and how it felt was just her first step on the path to mastering those skills herself. But now her worldview had fallen apart in the best way possible.
If it wasn't Gabby trying to force Tess to call her Mommy, if it was Spike instead who wanted to be her Daddy, she couldn't imagine anything but excitement. As soon as she imagined him in the scene, she knew that she would enjoy it. If he wanted to be her Daddy, she would call him that without a second thought. Did he think that's what she'd been intending when she gave him that bracelet, a kind of double meaning? She'd never even thought about it, but if he wanted it then she knew she felt the same. Daddy Spike could do whatever he wanted. She doubted he would be as weird as Gabby, trying to make her have an accident like a real baby. But then the image flashed into her mind of this powerful, responsible boy who had protected her since she came to Raytbridge, and had always been her rock.
He wanted to be Daddy. Did that include telling weird jokes that were entertaining just because they weren't funny, or ordering Tess's inner child to wet herself as a display of how much power he held over her. She couldn't really imagine him doing either, but if he did... she couldn't imagine herself thinking any less of him. If he was a strict Daddy, or one who wanted to degrade her... she would do whatever he said, and never question it. That was just how she felt about him, and it was a shock to realise how deep those feelings ran. She would do what he said no matter what, and she knew he would make her love it.
"Earth to Tess!" the voice finally broke through her daze. Liz was right in her face, looking a little concerned.
"Sorry, I was just... you know," Tess mumbled, embarrassed for a moment. They were standing around just inside the school gates now, waiting for the first bell that would officially spell the end of the winter break. Tess had caught up with some of her friends on Saturday, when she had joined Chloe, Kim and their partners to wander around Raybridge centre and catch up on their various vacations. But she hadn't spoken to Liz since school had ended, and the guilt over not staying in touch made it just a little harder to find something good to say.
"Spacing out, lost in your thoughts?" she said. "Christmas so great you can't help reminiscing?"
"No, I..." Tess started, and then realised that she couldn't be so passive all the time. If she always kept her feelings to herself, it would be like she was separated from the group. There was only one thing she could think of to say now, and it was highly inappropriate. But if they disapproved, she knew her friends well enough to be sure they'd take it as a joke. It was so out of character for her to come out and say something like that; nobody would believe she'd said the words. "I was just thinking that he can do whatever he wants to me."
"You know it's not going to be... wait, what? Did I miss a memo?"
"Something got me thinking what if Spike turned out to be a jerk like my cousin seems to think. And I realised I wouldn't care. Anything he want, it would be worth it for me. I'd be happy with anything."
"So you two are actually dating now?"
"Not quite. Kind of. Like..." Tess realised too late that she hadn't even explained their complicated understanding to anyone else, which rendered what she'd actually said a lot less profound. "It's like, I like him so much I'll have the time of my life so long as he's around, no matter what we're doing. And he said something pretty similar. We might not be doing all the stuff you're supposed to do for dating, but it's got to mean something that we just want to be together, right?"
"Sounds like true love," Ashli smirked, making Tess jump. She hadn't even realised she was there. "So does knowing that make every kiss sweeter?"
"We..." Tess started, embarrassment welling up. But if she fell apart and said something stupid, she knew it would be embarrassing Spike too. And she couldn't let herself do that. She needed to show some maturity, and stop being all giggly and overwhelmed by emotion. "Well, I don't know. We didn't kiss yet, it doesn't seem that important, so long as we're together. But we did already..."
She paused, and glanced around furtively, as if imparting some big secret. Liz, Ashli, and Chloe all leaned in, eager to hear this scandalous revelation. Tess let the tension build for several seconds, playing up her own nervousness about the confession, and how eager she was to make sure they weren't overheard. Everybody was on the edge of their seats now, probably with their own guesses about what she was about to say.
"... hold hands!"
The tension dissolved into laughter, and she could tell that her closest friends couldn't believe that they had been so gullible. She was also sure that Ashli at least thought they might have done something more than their confession; but none of them had any idea what had really been on Tess's mind.
The conversation moved on quickly enough, possibly because nobody was really sure how much of her confession had been for real. But for the rest of the day, it was hard to stop thinking about Spike, what he could do for her, and what she was willing to do for him.
It seemed like the world had changed completely, in ways she couldn't put her finger on. Spike was on her mind, always. She didn't stop smiling, even when Mindy Ciertowczki and a new group of her followers appeared to insult Tess and put her down.
"Okay, humans," she said with a quiet smile, and went back to talking to her friends. Mindy seemd bemused, and her new sidekick enraged, but there was nothing they could say to get Tess down today; and they could barely manage to get her attention, which infuriated them more than any insult.
It wasn't until after school that Tess's mind started to fill with worries again. As she waited for the bus, she wondered if Spike would be waiting for her. It was quite possible; Ffrances had said that he would be welcome to stay in her office if his family somehow noticed the new passport, and in that case he might be catching the bus that Tess normally took. But she wasn't getting on a school bus today; she was going via the front office to get a coupon for the regular bus to Greater Ashfields, like the small number of students who came from the opposite side of the big town.
The whole way there she was nervous, wondering what she would have to say. She'd already been a couple of days before, but had only seen a nurse who consulted a diagnostic flowchart. That led to some blood samples and an uncomfortable swab, and then a second appointment.
The bus had ordinary people on it; going shopping, or visiting relatives. Tess showed her voucher, got it stamped, and then took a seat near the front, away from the rest of the Raybridge uniforms. She didn't know if there would be anybody she knew on this bus, but she didn't want to take the risk.
She took the appointment card out of her pocket and studied it again. It was just a green rectangle with a grid of boxes. Each row had a date and time. The first one said "Nurse" beside it, while the second said "Phelps". It didn't say Ashfields District Confidential Clinic anywhere on it, or give an indication what it was for. There was a small map on the back giving directions to a building on the outskirts of Greater Ashfields from the nearest bus stop or from the train station, but there was no way that a friend or parent finding this could know what it was for.
"Things going well with Spike then?"
Tess jolted up and panicked, trying to ram the incriminating green card back into her pocket, but Ashli had already seen it. Still, that wasn't such a big deal.
"Huh? Yeah, but..."
"No need to be so embarrassed. I see lots of girls with those. And most times it's a good thing, right? Unless you already–"
"No!" Tess squeaked, finding the embarrassment creeping up on her where she had least expected it. She knew exactly what Ashli had assumed, and she didn't want anybody to think that she was seeing the doctor about birth control; or any of the other things that could be hypothetical results of getting closer to her boyfriend. "It's not that! It's just... it's a little bit embarrassing, and I'm living with my cousin now, and her girlfriend knows most of the local doctors, and... I just don't want her knowing every detail whenever I'm sick, right? She treats me like a baby anyway, and I want some independence."
"No worries. But damn, you get flustered. It's no big deal, I mean I went there with a weird rash when the only woman doctor at our local practice was off sick. It's not all sex stuff."
Tess shook her head. She didn't know Ashli that well, but thinking people might assume that had almost given her a heart attack. Why would she be so upset about people thinking Spike was her boyfriend? She even hoped that it might be true at some point in the future. If, of course, the clinic could find some pill or potion that would stop her wetting the bed.
She got off the bus and followed the map on the back of the green card, hoping that this visit would be more productive than her first.