"He loves me, he loves me not..."
Lin's smile. A bed of roses. Calm and quiet and beautiful, a world far from the one we know...
Another goddamn dream. Another morning waking up alone, cold and dark and so painfully quiet...
But I'm wide awake and there's nothing else I can do. I snuggle into my duvet and try to go back to sleep but it's futile; it's been a couple of days since Lin was here last before he had to fly to LA again, but his comforting scent still lingers on my sheets. I bury my face in one of the pillows, flooding my senses with that wretchedly addictive cologne he wears.
Feeling restless, I roll over and check the time on my phone. It's 6am: far too early to function, but I see no benefit in wasting my time now that I'm up, acutely aware of the wall clock ticking above my bedroom door. I roll my eyes at the thought; thanks for that one, Lin.
So instead I unlock my phone, finding a few snaps my friends sent last night - I'd politely declined their invitation, choosing instead to actually get some sleep, but they seemingly ended up going out to a club anyway. I hit them back with likes and happy emojis. I scroll further through my notifications, only to realize going to sleep early meant I'd also missed a few texts from Lin last night, owing to the time difference.
2:31AM - Lin: Are you fucking kidding me?
2:31AM - Lin: IMAGE
2:32AM - Lin: Collars and turtlenecks for the whole promo tour cause this makeup team took one look at your damage and wouldn't stop laughing at me. Hope you're happy 🤣
He's sent a selfie, in that evil charcoal sweater with the flecks of grey that he knows makes me mad. When did he even take that stupid sweater back after I stole it from him? His hair is styled back, they've clearly put some sort of concealer under his eyes and putting it simply, he looks gorgeous. Tired, but gorgeous nevertheless. I stare at his lips, curved into a subtle smirk in the photo, and contemplate FaceTiming him straight away - until I realize it's only 3am on the opposite coast, so I text him back instead with a rather smug reply.
6:04AM - Me: I'm thrilled lol. Anyway, you look delicious... 🤤
6:25AM - Lin: IMAGE
This time he's sent a close-up shirtless selfie, lying in bed, bottom lip between his teeth, showing off all the marks I proudly left on his neck before he left. I laugh to myself and save the picture, taking a deep breath before I reply back, wondering why he's still up at this hour.
6:26AM - Me: hehe. all MINE
6:26AM - Me: LIN THIS SHOULD BE ILLEGAL. 🔥🔥🔥💦💦💦
6:27AM - Lin: Shh, it's too early. Save me something for later darlin...
6:28AM - Me: Not fucking fair. 🤬 wtf are you doing awake anyway?
6:29AM - Lin: Get used to it 😘 lol, had a few drinks at a post-premiere thing. Gonna sleep now... Gnight baby :)
6:30AM - Me: Night, L. Call me when you're up <3
He says nothing after that - I presume he's already asleep. I pull up the photo again - and now that I'm thinking about that, there's no way I'm getting back to sleep...
~
Despite it being the dead of winter, I still try to stay in good habits and regularly go running. After all, I need to take better care of my health, and it's an especially useful distraction when a certain someone is off jet-setting between movie premieres on the opposite coast.
It's a cloudy morning, the weather providing adequate pathetic fallacy to my present feelings: grey skies, numbing cold, somewhat desolate and... alone. Nevertheless, I drag myself out of bed, pull on my running gear and hit the road.
Ever since Lin showed me this path leading up the riverside to a loop around Fort Tryon Park, it became my go-to running route. But today, as I overconfidently sprint around a corner on the park's walking trail with music blasting through my headphones, I suddenly almost collide with a little boy on a bicycle.
Wait a minute: a very familiar kid on a shiny new bike... Followed by another very familiar toddler running along the path, and their mother chasing them as fast as she can. They're all bundled up in their winter coats, hats and gloves, traipsing through the frosty park. I leap out of the way, catching my breath as I look on.
Please, for god's sake, don't see me...
But alas, I've committed too much sin for my prayers to be answered, and I don't own a cloak of invisibility. So all at once, Vanessa manages to catch Frankie and call out to me, taking a few steps forward whilst Sebastian turns his bike around and pedals towards where we're standing.
"Hi! Good to know I'm not the only crazy person out in this cold," Vanessa laughs as she greets me, warm and welcoming as ever.
I manage a small smile and pause my music, subtly zipping up my running jacket. Why must she be so nice? This would be a whole lot simpler if she wasn't.
"Yup. I'd lose my mind if I don't run," I say casually. "Anyway, what are you guys doing out here? There's a storm warning..."
"These two were driving me insane in there." She sighs, shaking her head, "My in-laws are picking them up so I can catch up on some work this weekend."
I nod, about to come up with some small-talky response, but as if on cue Sebastian parks his bicycle nearby and saunters over to us. The kid is a spitting image of his father; it's frankly a little terrifying. "Heeeey, you!" he says with a grin, all too sweet.
"Manners, Sebastian," Vanessa gently reprimands him, "That's not how we greet people, remember?"
Seb responds with a petulant scowl.
"But, Daddy says that," Frankie innocently cuts in.
"Exactly," his older brother agrees in a matter-of-fact tone, "Mom, you should teach Daddy about manners too."
Someone once said children are like parrots. And I'm pretty convinced that's true - when the fuck did these two hear Lin and I using that phrase? Thank goodness Vanessa's attention is entirely on her kids, else she'd spot my wide-eyed shock immediately.
Vanessa furrows her brows, shooting me an interrogative look. I shrug, instead choosing to shake my head and act oblivious.
"It's alright," I reassure her with a nonchalant chuckle, trying to brush it off, "Hey, little dudes. I like your new bike, Sebastian!"
Sebastian looks up at me in awe. "Thank you!" he chirps, before proceeding to tell me everything he knows about his new bicycle. I'm positively baffled by how many of Lin's quirks and mannerisms are mirrored by his firstborn, and I struggle to hide how badly that makes me want to cry whilst I listen to whatever the kid is saying. I can't ruin this, I can't hurt this family the way I know we will if Lin and I... Oh, lord.
"Boys, look who's here!" Vanessa says to the kids, distracting them from their excited chatter. I look up in the direction the kids are suddenly staring, to spot Lin's father approaching us.
"Abuelo!" Frankie exclaims, running towards him. He lifts the little boy up with a wide smile.
"It's great to see you again, Mr Miranda," I say, as polite as I can muster.
"Hey. I told you at Thanksgiving," Lin's father says sternly, scaring me for a moment until he continues happily, "It's Luis to you!"
I smile in silent relief, "Of course."
~
Kill me now.
Once Luis bids us farewell and leaves with the boys, Vanessa insists that she owes me a coffee in exchange for accepting that gift delivery.
In an ironic turn of events, she leads me to the very same local coffee shop that Lin and I frequently visit on our secret strolls. With Lin being the way he is, we've managed to befriend practically every member of staff at this cafe - so when Vanessa strolls in through the doors with me awkwardly in tow, it's impossible to sneak in unnoticed.
Anita, the cafe owner, spots us immediately. "Buenos días, mija!" she greets me, hobbling over from behind the counter. Anita is a kind woman in her eighties, only now pursuing her dream of owning a coffee shop after a lifetime of hard work. Lin and I adore her and this little spot she's built, and although she hasn't the slightest idea who we are (or more specifically, who he is), she's pretty much adopted us as the grandkids she never had. But now, I'm in trouble for it.
"Hola, abuela Anita! How are you?" I respond, trying to keep my tone light. Vanessa looks between us, a combination of confused and impressed.
Anita shakes her head. "Ay, no me preguntes. Habla, mi niña, ¿dónde está tu novio? ¿Está bien, no?" she asks, looking around, concerned for him. I couldn't blame her - Lin definitely has a way of charming everyone he meets, and she's no different. But given the nature of our relationship, we may have told her a couple of little white lies...
"Don't worry, he's fine! He's just busy with work."
Anita nods, immediately reassured knowing he's okay. She tilts her chin in Vanessa's direction, "¿Y ella?"
"Ella es mi... neighbour?" I finish sheepishly. And that is where my Spanish knowledge ends. I should clarify, I still don't know a lot of Spanish, not nearly enough to confidently string together a sentence. All I've picked up is from listening to Lin converse with people here, on the phone, whatever.
"You should be working on your Spanish, mija!" Anita chides me, fully aware of this, before turning to Vanessa again. "Bienvenido. Come, take a seat! What can I get you girls? Your usual, sí?"
I nod, staying silent while Vanessa places her order. Anita sets one of the trainee baristas to work as we make our way to a table by the window to wait for our drinks.
The old lady eyes us with a somewhat suspicious look from across the cafe, and I know exactly what she's thinking: when I'm here with Lin, if we don't take our drinks to-go, our usual table is the cozy one in the back corner with the two comfy leather tub chairs. We never sit near the windows, not wanting to risk being seen.
Vanessa, however, does not notice. Oh, to be so oblivious...
"I'm guessing you've been here before?" she remarks. Her tone is not interrogative, merely curious.
"Sorry about that," I apologize, "Yeah, I found out about this place in the summer and I've been coming back ever since."
"Nice! Lin and I have been meaning to check it out since they opened but we've been so busy... Boyfriend's recommendation?"
"Yeah, he... likes places like this."
"That's sweet. Does he live around here?"
I nod. "He's practically a walking map of this town!" Not a lie. Not the whole truth, but definitely not a lie.
Vanessa laughs at that. "Oh, I can totally imagine that. Lin is exactly the same! We should get them talking, that could be interesting. Actually, what's his name? We might know him."
I grimace. Dear fucking ironic god, may the ground swallow me whole.
"Li- Liam." Nice one, almost walked face-first into my own doom there. But apparently I panicked and my brain took a nosedive into the archives of some old teenage crush?! Better remember that lie, knowing it'll inevitably come up again.
As we talk, Anita carefully sets our coffees on the table in front of us and we thank her before resuming our conversation. As she hobbles back to her seat behind the counter, it's obvious that she's eavesdropping, but I pay that no mind for as long as she doesn't connect the dots.
"Hmm. Doesn't ring a bell," Vanessa continues, looking thoughtful, "Actually, while we're talking about that... You should know the walls in our building are a lot less solid and soundproof than you would expect."
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry! If you heard anything -"
Holy shit, she better not have heard me crying out his name... in pleasure, in anguish, in ecstasy, in I need to be more careful.
"Nah, you're okay. It's just, I think our apartments share a wall and the boys like to chill in Lin's office sometimes, so... the knocking scared them last week."
That knocking would be my bed frame hitting the wall repeatedly while your dear husband and I mercilessly ravaged each other between our fits of tears... but who's to tell you that?
"I'll try to keep it quiet," I oblige.
As irony would have it, my phone chooses that split second to buzz on the table. I sneak a glance at the screen - Lin is trying to FaceTime me. Of course - going by the time difference, he's probably just woken up. For obvious reasons I can't answer, but he texts instead.
11:03 AM - Lin: Gmornin, love :)
11:03 AM - Lin: IMAGE
I calmly flip my phone over so the screen is no longer visible, trying to minimise the risk of Vanessa seeing it. Although, I am curious about that picture... I sneak a peek at it, and thankfully it's just a photo of his fancy hotel breakfast. But his hand is visible in the photo, gripping the handle on a coffee cup, and that's what I'm staring at...
Vanessa snaps me out of my daydream just as quickly. "Thank you. Anyway, there's something I've been meaning to ask you..."
My stomach plummets and I almost choke on my coffee. But I'm becoming something of an expert at acting calm, so that's exactly what I do. "Sure, shoot?"
"You've been mostly working from home since you moved here, right?" Vanessa asks. I nod. "Have you seen anyone else hanging around our apartment, you know, other than us?"
"Uh... Honestly, I haven't really noticed," I lie. "Why?"
"It's just... my husband. He's been acting weird over the last couple of months. I know he's working hard and he has a lot on his plate but I feel like he's hiding something from me..." she says, her tone reeking of concern and exasperation.
"Oh?" I pretend to sound surprised. Please don't say you know...
She glances around, before dropping her voice to just above a whisper. "In all this time we've been together, he's never behaved like this. But he's suddenly so distant and evasive..." She hesitates, "Honestly, he never passed up an opportunity. He couldn't keep his eyes or his hands off me, for years. But now he hasn't touched me in weeks, he won't even let me near him... I tried to give him a proper goodbye before he left for LA, but he practically bolted out the door and ran to the airport five hours early. I'm worried."
That would be because he may only be gone for a few days, but he couldn't bear to leave me without a proper farewell first - I know he made a whole exaggerated show of leaving that day, only to sneak back up to my apartment. To tell the truth, I wasn't complaining.
"So you think he's..." I trail off, unable to say the word for the fear that she'll hear it in my voice, catch it in my eyes that it's me he's cheating on her with.
"I don't know. I hope not, but... That's the only viable possibility, right? Another woman - or man - or someone... So, that's where you come in to the picture."
Wait a minute - is she testing me? Is this a ploy to get me to confess? Unless...
"Me?" I ask, baffled.
"Yeah. I figured you spend a lot more time at home than I do, so... If you see Lin with anyone that seems suspicious... Could you tell me?"
"Wait, let me get this straight: you want me to spy on your husband?"
"Not exactly, but... just, you know, keep an eye out? Even if it's nothing, I need to know."
"Are you sure? Is he that untrustworthy?" I blurt out, immediately rescuing myself when she narrows her eyes, "I mean, has this happened before?"
"Not at all!" Vanessa shakes her head, "He's never cheated, but..." she continues, justifying herself, "I mean, love is a beautiful feeling, but it can make you do crazy things. I guess you might understand, if you and - Liam are serious?"
"I understand."
"So you'll do it?"
I pause for a moment, mulling over it. If I say no, I could disentangle myself from this mess and just carry on seeing Lin undercover, under the covers. But that will still run the risk of Vanessa finding out about our... whatever, herself - she's noticed Lin's apparently odd behavior, he's raised enough suspicion as it is, and if she already thinks something is up with him, it's only a matter of time before she connects the dots.
Or, I could say yes. If I pretend I'm on her side, she won't suspect us. I could tell Lin to stop completely avoiding his wife (even if the thought of him with anyone but myself makes me endlessly jealous), and if I report nothing suspicious back to her, I would reserve the power to completely throw her off our trail. To paraphrase the idiom, keep your man close and his wife closer.
Of course. I know exactly what to do.
"Yeah. I'll do it," I nod.
Vanessa's face lights up with a relieved smile, and gratitude is all I can see when she thanks me profusely, promising she'll find a way to return the favour in due course.
Lin, I'm going to kill you when you get back...