I woke with a heavy head the next morning. Even on my way home, thoughts about my potential to have powers kept buzzing in my mind. Would it truly be possible?
It would be a more logical explanation for Beckett's daily torment. Although, a petty reason like being born on the wrong night would be a sufficient reason for Beckett to hate someone with the core of his being.
But who knew? Maybe I did possess Agni's gift. Maybe that was also why Beckett killed both my parents, but kept me alive. And maybe that also explained why he prevented Dexter from killing me.
But wolves who possessed our Moons' abilities grew more rare every day. Which only made those lucky few invaluable assets to any pack. Especially the ones belonging to the stronger Moons, namely Kavitvana, Anamaya, Agni and Sariranyasa. Why would he waste me away?
With every question I answered for myself, only three more grew in my head. Why wouldn't my parents have told me anything about it? Maybe they didn't know. But if Beckett knew, how would it be possible that my parents didn't?
The thoughts about what Jerr had said yesterday kept consuming my every thought, which didn't play in my favor during my daily training with Feytan.
"Sari," he said, with a slightly annoyed tone. "I've told you time and time again to keep your back straight."
I readjusted my posture once more at Feytan's comment. Although I found myself slacking with every new unsolved mystery. "Sorry," I breathed through my panting. Today I'd just mindlessly been following Feytan's orders, so I had no idea what number exercise this was.
"You seem to be out of it," he sighed in response, tapping his hand on my shoulders. My posture had really slacked off while my mind was elsewhere.
"I'm sorry," I repeated as I straightened my shoulders.
"I don't want an apology, I want you to do better."
A bitter feeling entered my chest. I wanted to do better, too. But I couldn't, not with so many questions left unspoken. "Do you think I have powers?" I blurted out.
Several wolves around us turned around and chuckled at my comment. I did my best to ignore them and the sting that followed their chuckles. "So that's what this is about?"
I simply nodded as I continued with the reps Feytan had ordered me to do.
"We can talk about that after your training. Now I need you to focus on those exercises and keep your posture well, so you don't hurt yourself."
"Okay," I panted.
I tried my hardest, but I found it challenging to focus on my training. Especially since Feytan thought there was something to talk about. That could only mean that he must think there could be something that would hint at the presence of my powers.
Feytan gave me a break and cut our training short after a few more sets of exercises. "You're only going to hurt yourself this way," he sighed.
I opened my mouth to apologize again, but quickly closed it when I saw Feytan's annoyed glance at the motion of my lips. I did not think he was waiting for another meaningless word, even though I really did feel sorry.
"Where did you get the idea that you might possess powers?" He asked as we walked to the edge of the clearing.
"Jerr," I admitted silently, staring down at the ground. I was insulted and annoyed at the insinuation that this did not concern me and that I wasn't supposed to know about any of it.
"How am I not surprised," he sighed again. "I do not know if it's possible. Although you are progressing rather quickly, that could be an indication that you might have a gift. That's only speculation however, not a certainty. That's why I'm making you work so hard. The sooner we can find out about any powers, the better."
"Why?" I dared look up at him and I was surprised to find that all the annoyance had ebbed away. He was now looking at me with only kindness and a gentle energy.
"Because if you do have powers, we need to train those as well," he said. "The sooner we can begin doing that, the better."
"Do you even know how to train with Agni's gift?"
Feytan shook his head. "No," he admitted. "But if we were to find you do possess Agni's powers, Aven would train you. Sariranyasa's powers come closest to Agni's, so he might be best fit to teach you."
I gulped. I didn't want to train with Aven, especially given that he did not like me one bit. "Isn't there anyone else in this pack who could do that?"
Feytan curled up the right corner of his mouth. "Currently, there's only two wolves in Rahas who possess the power of Sariranyasa. And Aven is clearly the stronger one. He'd be more fit to teach you."
I raised my eyebrows. "Who's the second one? And why wouldn't he be able to teach me?"
Feytan looked at me with a puzzled look. However, his confused glance passed quickly and made room for his gentle smile again. "You might be the only wolf I'd ever know who wouldn't want to be personally trained by an Alpha. A very powerful one, nonetheless."
By how Feytan avoided my questions with such bluntness, I only assumed that the second wolf in Rahas was not in the good favors of Aven or Feytan. "I know. It's just.. Aven scares me sometimes."
"Rightly so," he answered. "But he hasn't ever laid a finger on you, has he?"
"No," I answered.
"Then why would he begin while training you?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know," I admitted.
"Exactly," he said. He clapped his hands on his legs as he continued. "I'll give you a break for today. I have other things to do now, anyway. But tomorrow, I want you to be fully present, understood?" He said firmly.
"Understood."
"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow then."
I made my way back to the Manor, where one of those hot baths was screaming my name. I was ready to drown in the bubbles of honey soap, instead of these thoughts that were plaguing me.
I was hiding away on the couch in the corner of the common area with a new book I'd found. This small couch had become my usual spot. It stood in a corner of the room, so no one could be invited to bother me without too much trouble, but I was still present in the group of people. Even if I didn't interact with any of them, even though I tried sometimes, I felt less alone on this couch than in my room.
Still, I longed for some actual company. I made my way to Lotta's room, hoping to find her there. A grumble after I knocked on her door, confirmed me she was.
I entered her room and found her laying in her bed. She looked as bad as I felt during my first hangover, with her blankets lazily draped over her. "Good afternoon," I said joyfully.
"Is it that late already? Sun burn me." She begrudgingly sat up straight in her bed, where I could clearly see the remains of yesterday on her face. Her lip stain was smudged, as was the silver color on her eyes. And the black of her eyelashes had moved to under her eyes, where they were smudged out.
"You look like you had fun last night," I joked as I sat down on the foot of her bed.
A playful grin grew on her face. "I sure did. Did you enjoy it too? I tried looking for you when I left, but I didn't find you. So I assumed you were already gone."
"Yes, I left a few hours before the Sun came up. I couldn't find you either, but you looked busy earlier in the evening."
Lotta giggled at the memory that floated up when I mentioned what she'd been doing last night. "I don't see it as being busy if I'm just enjoying myself." She got up from her bed and went to her bathroom, where she started preparing herself for the new day.
"Can I ask you something?" I asked, a smile forming on my face.
"Ask away," she answered, cleaning her face with some water.
"I saw you dancing yesterday, with a man and a woman. But how does that.. Work?" I asked hesitantly. I wasn't exactly sure how to phrase it. I'd seen other people in pairings of three or more yesterday, but I never quite understood how one could interact with more than one person in that way.
"Are you bothered by the fact that I enjoy women as well as men?" Lotta asked. I could detect a slightly warning tone in her voice.
"No, no. By the Moons, absolutely not," I defended myself. "But how can you give them both all your attention at the same time?"
Lotta walked back in the room, having changed into fresh clothes. "It's not really a matter of giving everyone involved all your attention. It's more making sure you're enjoying yourself and they are too."
"Oh," I mumbled. It didn't make any more sense to me than before, if I was honest.
Lotta plopped down next to me, resting on one of her arms. "Have you ever tried anything more adventurous?"
"No," I admitted, feeling my rising blood redden my cheeks. "Is that normal in Rahas?"
"It's normal everywhere," Lotta laughed. "Especially on Moons like last night, when we're more unhinged."
"People acted out in other ways in Spitta," I said.
"Then you just didn't see it. But I suppose it doesn't feel natural to everyone. And that's fine, too."
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't think I have enough experience to really know what feels natural to me."
"You've got plenty of time to figure that out," Lotta chirped, fully back to her joyful self. "But now, I need to go get breakfast. A hangover is bad on its own, but even worse on an empty stomach."
I followed Lotta back to the dining hall, where we kept chatting about yesterday's events. I spent the rest of the evening with her too, and my stomach ached from all the laughter.
But even though we talked and talked, about everything and nothing, I never spoke of what Jerr and I had talked about. Or what I felt when I saw him with Amelia. How angry I'd been when he told me I was beautiful. How angry I was at myself for leaving after that. Not when I didn't know what it meant myself. Not when I was this scared to admit that some part of me still fluttered at the mere thought of his flirtatious words rolling off his tongue.