QUOTE OF THE CHAPTER:
"Granny Sheeran told me when I'm looking for a partner to fall in love with their eyes cause eyes are the only things that don't age, so if you fall in love with their eyes you'll be in love forever."
― Ed Sheeran
Dedication: @determinants (because she loves Maths, Taylor Swift and this story.)
***
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Being at home is another story. Mum welcomes me inside, with the bright smile she always manages to wear, and as I walk in, I smell the delicious odour spreading from the kitchen. She clearly knows how to conquer my heart - by my stomach. I wear my sneakers off and push them under the mini table at the hall, and hang my coat. She takes my bag from me, putting it onto the couch, in turn, leading me toward kitchen.
When I notice the cookies on the plate, I gasp. "Cookie." I look at her in disbelief. She slightly nods and I lean in to grab one with the childish excitement. I quickly take a bite and let the chocolate taste fill my mouth. God, how much I love food.
"How was your day?" She asks; while we are sat on the table. I am eating and she is watching with a content face. I think she eventually likes the idea of being a mother. Perhaps it was the problem with Mum. She didn't care enough because she wasn't ready to be a mother. I once heard (eavesdropped) their conversation about how I was an unexpected surprise. They weren't even considering marriage yet. But since I appeared in the scene, it pushed both of them into a serious relationship and finally, marriage.
Mum never hated me though. She never behaved hatefully towards me, neither did Dad, but there was always a wall between us that they didn't allow me to pass through. I get it now. At those times, I used to hate them. It wasn't - isn't - my fault that they were too neglected and Mum got pregnant. I was the mere victim in this. But now, I think if it ever happened to me, I wouldn't be as courageous as Mum to keep the child. I don't know - it is a heavy responsibility. But I'd probably keep it anyway because it is a living, it deserves to live.
"Good," I manage to reply between the bites, shooing my thoughts. "it was okay."
"You seem better," she agrees. "Did you sort it out - what bothers you, I mean."
"Not really." Maybe she can help me - she is experienced after all.
"What is bothering you, sweetie?" I might warn her about those sweetie/honey words. But I let it slide for the moment.
"Well, it is complicated."
"We can find a solution," she replies couragingly.
I look at her hesitantly. "You know Calvin," she nods, "he indirectly confessed he likes me."
"And?"
"And," I keep on. "I don't know what to say."
"To him or to me?"
"Both. I don't - I want to stay friends, Mum. He is going to screw things up."
She looks at me, bemused. "He acted brave enough to say that he likes you. I don't see why this could ruin anything at all."
"Because I don't want to lose him," I blurt out. "And I technically lost him already."
"Oh, Jack," she chuckles, "do you like him back?"
I glare at her. "Why is it important?"
"Because if so, just let him try."
"Why are you so supportive? Be a true mother and tell me that boys hurt girls."
She laughs again. "Girls hurt boys, too. But it isn't the case. Maybe you won't hurt each other at all. You cannot know without trying."
"I don't want to risk," I mutter. "I've been - never mind."
"Go and talk to him." She holds my hand. "If you want, tell him about your confusions. Together you can sort it out, Jack, together."
"Hmpf." I grab some cookies and put them in a bag. I'll take them to Sue, she calls me Jackie Cookie for a reason. I need to consider sorting it out with Calvin. I am not sure. But I need to face him anyway.
"Listen to your heart," Mum says when she gestures me out of the door. I am not really buying it, listen to your heart talk, but she keeps on eagerly. "You might regret it when you do something so reckless or unthoughtful."
"Isn't love the most reckless thing, Mum, what are you saying?"
"Love is very well thought, daughter, you think of that person every day. How can it be unthought?" I roll my eyes. Yeah, find the billion differences between me and Mum.
"See ya."
Minutes later, I am standing at the wooden steps of Cal's porch, nervously staring at the door and replaying the plan I made in my head. I hang out with Sue, don't get too intimate with Cal (or alone) and we can actually melt the cold tension between us. Then, he might reconsider and realise he has never ever liked me at all. Such a plan I have here. I mosey through the door and knock the door slowly.
After a minute, Sue opens it with a wide smile. "Oh, Jackie! Cal! Jack is here," she yells, tilting her head back. I hand her the bag of cookies, and she immediately looks inside. "Cookies, now you are my favourite!"
"Weren't I already?" I form a fake pout.
"Of course, you were." She smiles and I enter in. I spot Calvin sitting and watching TV. He doesn't even look at me as I go and sit beside him. He seems so focused on TV but God knows that he isn't. He is just mad.
"Hey Cal," I mutter slowly.
He peeks at me for a second. "Hi." He is back watching his precious show.
"Uhm." No, Jack, nervousness isn't your job. I pat his arm. "Talk to me."
"What do you want to talk?" He asks sarcastically as his eyes stumble on mine.
"We could continue the conversation."
He lets out a sigh. "Look, Jack, I think I've told enough. You are the one who needs to do the talking."
"Do you like me?" I want to make sure he means that. Or maybe, that he doesn't.
He looks at me with such an expression that makes me regret to ask. "Yes."
No. Damn you, Calvin. "Calvin, I," I start off, tucking a strand behind my ear, "don't know what to say - but I know that you shouldn't like me. At all. And when you first tried to reach me, I didn't even understand why. You are social, you know how to make friends and how to talk. You are nice and there is a side of you that people cannot resist - basically you don't need me. You never did. But you tried and you became a part of my life. A huge part, in fact," - his lips twitch and I roll my eyes - "Listen carefully, I won't repeat it again. Thank you. Since you've come here, so many things have changed in my life. Shitty or nice, many things happened. I feel less alone - that's a plus. Uh, I met Sue and she is the cutie pie of my life. I admit I come for her most of the time so don't boost your ego please," - he chuckles - "Basically you brought amazing people into my life, including yourself, and I don't want to lose it. I don't want to lose what we have."
He narrows his eyes. "What are you getting at?"
"I mean," - I take a deep breath - "you are my best friend. I want you to stay that way. I want us to stay this way."
He stares at me in disbelief. "After all the things you've said, you say you want us to stay friends? That you don't like me?"
"Do I have to?" I snap. "Like you? I love you as a friend."
He forms a feigning laugh. "Okay, Jack." His lips press into a thin line - a line that goes to infinity. I don't know which part of my body I did listen while talking. My heart? If so, why does it pound in my chest? My brain? Why does it keep cussing at me, then? I think I listened to my ass. Fuck. Hope you are right, my ass. "You are right. We should stay friends. Uh, I - just give me time, okay? Because I can't unlike you in a second or..."
"I get it," I cut him off, "I am sorry Cal."
"JACKIE COOKIE WHO MADE THESE COOKIES?" Sue yells from kitchen.
"Oh, I brought cookies," I add smiling, "would you like to taste?" I am being kind because I already caused enough damage in him.
"Who made them?"
"Mum."
"Good, then, I can taste some."
I roll my eyes as his grin appears on his face. "I can't bake cookies, anyway, don't worry." He chuckles at my response. I know if someone was hearing us, they wouldn't get that Calvin is now faking it but I do. Maybe because I care too much or it is just noticeable. It isn't that hard to see through his fake smile or laughter which doesn't reach his eyes. Whereas he always smiled with his eyes if it is the right phrase. Even if his lips didn't curl, I knew that he smiled because his eyes sparkled with a different light.
Right now, I am scared that I'll never be able to make him smile like that again.
And I am scared that I'll miss it so much. Because when it is what you've falling for, you can't help missing.
Nonetheless, my heart has lost many battles to survive another one - to risk.