You can be so overwhelmed with emotion that you had to let it out.
Go Eun spent the rest of the day playing her gayageum. Sitting like that picking the strings, humming the tunes from time to time, eyes looking out the window to something beyond.
Sung Kyung thought the music sounded emotional, conflicted, and restless. It was as if she was creating many colorful waves, crashing and drowning each other sound.
Go Eun's fingers seemed to move out of her mind's control. Still it made beautiful sounds.
Spending one night with Prince Min Ho was.......
Was.......
Was.......
She couldn't find the words to describe her feelings.
Alone in her thoughts, where no one would know, she admitted that she had a.........
Beautiful night.
She thought it would be humiliating, insulting, and painful.
But it was not.
It was ultimately...........satisfying and.........made her felt closer to him.
She felt she had changed. Something was not the same.
It was as if the prince had taken something from her, and in turn, made her carry a piece of him with her.
If she closed her eyes, she heard his voice calling out her name passionately, she saw the look on his face while he moved within her before he came down to kiss her again, she felt again how his hands possessively touched her.
Her whole being was full with him.
She found her heart screaming to see him again.
It was terrifying.
She had thought she just needed to calm down, but the feelings would not stop.
What is he doing right now?
Where is he?
Who is he with?
...............Is he thinking about me too, as much as I am thinking about him?
"Princess Kim?"
Her fingers stopped playing abruptly, making an ugly sound that hurt their ears.
"Ne?" she asked, sounding disoriented.
"Aren't you going to sleep? You must meet the emperor tomorrow."
".......you're right," she said, getting up and heading to bed.
She felt exhausted.
More from emotion than from fatigue, honestly.
***********************************
Trying to concentrate that day was a gruesome battle. All he could think of was about his beautiful wife in bed, murmuring within their kisses, holding him tight, calling out "Yeobo."
The world seemed clearer that day, easier to breathe in, less dirty to live in.
He felt...........enchanted.
He had never slept with a woman the whole night after intimately taking advantage of her.
He had never held someone so tight and fell asleep looking at her face, listening to her breathing.
He often didn't even bother to know the name of the woman he slept with, no matter how pretty she would look.
Bedroom activities must be forgotten after you're done. Or so he thought.
He had never felt this affected, thinking about every second they shared together even when they were apart.
He had to inhale deep and forced himself to pay attention to the meeting he was attending at Jung Il Woo's house, discussing about the estimated amount of corruption the Park Clan had done.
The meeting and discussion ended at sunset, before he had to go again to attend the usual gathering of Park Hae Soo's people, with two members of the Left Ministries and the usual officers.
He smiled after someone said witty remarks and jokes. He toasted them all with soju. He clapped after all the courtesans' dance, but managed to avoid having to enter a room with anyone of them.
He decided it was time for him to go home when the other men disappeared with the courtesans.
Usually, he would feel bitter, thinking the country was feeding unworthy people.
But he felt calmer that night. Those were still unworthy people, yet no anger burdened him. He knew he was planning to defeat them all anyway.
For once in his life in the last five years, he sat peacefully in his palanquin after meeting Park Hae Soo, thinking the air was clear and cool.
**************************************
Go Eun woke up with a start, turning around and bumping on a solid body.
"Prince?"
"Ne?"
"You—you're here?"
"I am, Lady, obviously."
"You just got back?"
"Yes."
"What time is this?"
"One hour after midnight"
"Ah...."
"Go back to sleep."
She rubbed her eyes, blinking at him.
"How was your day?"
He smiled all of a sudden, trying to remember when was the last time someone asked that to him. His brother maybe, once upon time, when he was still in his teens, and still lived at the imperial palace.
"Nothing special. Meeting the same people, talking about the same things, saying the same things.........."
"You sound wary, My Lord."
"Oh yes, very. Not as bad as other days, though."
"Did something good happen?"
She got a smile as an anwer.
"And you? What did you do?"
"Played my gayageum............"
"You must play for me soon."
"..........ne."
They lied quietly after that, looking into each other's eyes.
After cleaning himself and changing, he walked straight to her pavilion, dismissing Sung Kyung and just lied down beside her, as if it was something he had done for years.
She looked very sleepy, fighting to keep her eyes opened.
He looked alert at this late hour, she thought, as if he had a restful day.
She suddenly felt him putting his hands on her waist, pulling her body to his direction. She followed the gesture and found herself breathing on the fabric of his clothes. He held her like that for a while, saying nothing.
And then he crept lower, placing his head on her neck, inhaling.
"My Lady.............."
Her arms circled his neck in reflex.
He came back to lie on her pillow and slipped his fingers in her hair, combing the length.
Go Eun could do nothing except lying there, mesmerized, her heart felt like it was expanding, swelling and swelling.
He ran his fingers on her face next, following her eyebrows, rubbing the tip of her nose, caressing her cheeks, and lining her jawbones.
If he took off her clothes the second he climbed her bed, she wouldn't be surprised.
But this random..........gentleness astonished her until she couldn't speak. At all.
His forefinger then traveled to her lips, tracing the outline.
"Go Eun-ah........." he said, before bending to brush her lips with his.
The kiss felt so different than his fierce, consuming kisses yesterday. It was so tender, only fleeting brushes that made her closed her eyes from the feeling.
He definitely could not explain what he was doing. He was filled with the wish to be closer to her. He just wanted to be there with her. She didn't need to satisfy his lust that night. She just needed to be there for him.
He held her tighter.
"Good night, Go Eun-ah."
"..........go—good night, My Lord."
What is this? What is this feeling of being pulled by you?
Before she could find the answer to her own question, she drifted back to sleep in his embrace.
He caressed her head softly, and her face, shoulders, arms, and back, entwining their fingers, lips kissing her forehead from time to time.
And like that, he fell asleep too, thinking peace existed after all.
In her presence.
*******************************************
They waited for the emperor to finish his morning meeting with the ministers at his chambers. The prince kept observing his wife, waiting for some signs of nervousness, but he didn't see any. She was wearing a new dress, her best maybe. She did exclaim in awe seeing the beautiful imperial palace, interior, and garden. However, there was no anxiety. She sat calmly beside him, drinking lotus tea.
He dug his brain trying to remember when he had ever seen her amazed.
............it was when she thanked him for funding a free clinic and feeding the poor.
Extraordinary, really, this young woman.
"Lady Jeon has arrived!" the guards announced.
Lady Jeon walked in, holding the hand of her son. She was told to come and meet the prince and his wife.
The two year old prince recognized his uncle and happily walked to him.
"Jin-ah! How are you?"
Min Ho didn't see his wife's expression. If he could, he would see how surprised Go Eun was at his warmness to his nephew.
I thought the prince hated the child?
"Annyeonghaseyo, Grand Prince. I'm so happy to meet you again. And is this Princess Kim?"
"Ne. Go Eun, this is Lady Jeon, my brother's second wife"
Go Eun? The prince calls his wife so intimately!!!
Lady Jeon was amazed but cordially bowed to Go Eun.
"Lady Jeon. Please to meet you. I am Kim Go Eun. May you always be blessed with health and happiness."
"Thank you, Princess Kim. And the same hopes go to you."
"What is he doing, lately?" Min Ho asked to Lady Jeon, letting Jin climbed onto his lap.
"Oh. He's obsessed with the rattan ball lately. Keeps on playing for hours all over his garden, until he got all sweaty and drenched his robe."
"Ooooh. Uri Jin is having fun!"
"Yes. His guard has become his playmates, somehow," Lady Jeon said, chuckling.
"If only ahjussi could, I would play ball with you too."
"Ball?" the little prince asked, standing at Min Ho's lap and looking at him, "Play!"
"Jin-ah, don't stand on your uncle's lap. It's not polite......" Lady Jeon said, standing up to take her son.
"Gwaenchana," Min Ho said, holding his nephew's back, preventing him from falling down.
"The Emperor has arrived," the guard announced.
Jung Jae entered the sitting room, seeing everyone gathering together, "Min Ho-yah! Have you been waiting for long?"
"Annyeong, Hyeong. Ne. We've been waiting for very long. What else could we do, right, you're the emperor!"
Min Ho grinned and Jung Jae approached him.
The emperor took a careful look at his younger brother.
"You look better. Have you been sleeping well, this month?"
"Newlyweds sleep better, Hyeong. Or not at all, but still has a lot of energy than old married couples."
The emperor broke into laughter and Min Ho joined it, while Lady Jeon smiled at them both.
Then they remembered Min Ho's wife. And when they looked at her, she was definitely looking like a shocked person, staring wide-eyed at the three of them.
Where is the animosity? These people acted like real.....family. Not enemies!
"Ah. The lady uri Min Ho has chosen as his princess. Annyeonghaseyo, Kim Go Eun-ssi"
Go Eun snapped from her daze and hurriedly gave a formal bow to pay her respect.
"Long live the emperor. May we ten thousand years of prosperity"
"Ten thousand years is too long, Princess. But thank you and please stand up."
"Let's have lunch first. I'm starving. All those ministers said too much words," Jung Jae said, taking his son fron Min Ho's arms, "Come. And you should thank me today, Min Ho-yah. I asked my chef to cook your favorite food today."
"Jeongmalyo? What's the occasion?"
"I want to give a good impression to my new sister" Jung Jae said, walking to his dining room.
Go Eun almost couldn't speak at all due to what she witnessed. All through the lunch, Jung Jae and her husband looked like.........close brothers. She really got nothing else to explain the condition. They talked about each other's duties, vague but concerned. Jung Jae wanted to know the details of their wedding day, looking really regretful that he couldn't come.
"I heard it all from my guards that came to your wedding, but I'm sure they left some details."
Min Ho told him that it was a normal traditional wedding, all the steps of rituals were performed loyally.
In turn, he asked Jung Jae about his plans to stop "the corruption" and the emperor said it was going really well.
They then changed to discuss about Prince Jin's growth, the delicious soju given by the Chinese Ambassador, "I prepared a crate for you to take home." and the emperor's latest training in archery and Jung Jae's latest improvement in sword fighting.
Lady Jeon listened calmly while feeding her son and Go Eun mainly concentrated to keep on eating without staring too much at the two men.
They looked like a close family. So why the cruel rumors about the prince wanting the Emperor died spread all these years?
What game are these two playing?
************************************
After they were done with the delicious lunch and the table was cleared, Go Eun said, "I brought a simple gift for the little prince. I apologize for not bringing any gifts for the emperor and Lady Jeon."
"Aniyo, it's alright. You don't have to. But I thank you for thinking about Jin."
"Sung Kyung-ah, please bring that box."
Sung Kyung, who was standing near her lady all the time, went out of the room and came back carrying a long square box wrapped in royal blue embroidered silk and placed it on the table.
"When I and my brother were children, uri Ommoni made these set of dolls for our own little theatre."
Go Eun unwrapped the box to show a set of dolls. A dozen of dolls representing a family, in colorful clothes. The parents, the children, the maids and guards, also little horses and rabbits.
"This is not new. But I think it's still in a very good condition."
She was right. The set of dolls looked as if new.
"We used to have a lot of fun. Ommoni would tell traditional fairy tales using these dolls, and it all became sweet memories for me now. I wish Prince Jin could also have his own little theatre like I did and have many more happy memories in his childhood."
The emperor and Lady Jeon stared at her in silence.
Go Eun grew nervous and felt almost crying as she bowed.
"I—I apologize. Is this unacceptable because this is not new? I'll give Prince Jin something else as soon as—"
Lady Jeon stopped her shaky tirade by reaching for her hand.
"Gamsahamnida. I heard rumors from the people that the wife of the Grand Prince is not a human, but a Goddess. I could see it's not a baseless praise now."
A sincere praise from the emperor's Lady.
Go Eun felt her eyes brimmed with tears and she bowed low to Lady Jeon.
"I don't deserve the praise, Lady. I just thought, maybe.......this could add more happiness to the little prince."
"Of course it will. I am ashamed I've never thought about it myself. He is still too young to understand a dolls' theater, so I'm sure I have a lot of time to practice until I could tell him fairy tales. You are most kind. Isn't she, my Lord?"
"Very much" the emperor agreed. "But this must be such a dear possession. Are you sure you want to give them to my son? Don't you want to use it for your own children in the future?"
"I'll make the dolls myself for my future children, Your Highness."
Jung Jae broke into a wide smile. "Wisely thought. Thank you so much. I'm sure Jin will enjoy his free time in the future more because of this."
Min Ho had stared transfixed at his wife since she told them about the gift she brought, heart beating faster just because of what she said.
Lady Jeon was busy smiling at her, so only his brother realized his look.
That was when Jung Jae decided to have that talk with Go Eun.
"Princess Kim, would you like to take a walk with me?" the emperor asked suddenly.
"Ne?"
"Would you?"
"N—ne, Your Highness."
Jung Jae got up from his chair, "Min Ho-yah, I'll borrow your wife for a short time, ahrasseo? Don't worry. Just for a walk. Stay here. I'm not going to kidnap her."
Go Eun glanced nervously at Min Ho and he nodded encouragingly.
"It's alright. Hyeong is kind. Most of the time."
"Shall we, Princess Kim?"
Go Eun followed the emperor outside.
***********************************
Jung Jae led her to the east garden of his personal palace, where there was a long bridge passing a pond full with lotus flowers.
"Let's take a walk here," he said, and slowly they walked together passing the bridge, several of the emperor guards and Sung Kyung following behind them.
"So, you have been my brother's wife for one month."
"Ne, your highness."
"Is he treating you well, Princess Kim?"
"Yes. He is."
"Good. I wish you both a lot of happiness."
"Gamsahamnida, Your Highness."
"How do you perceive him, Princess?"
".......Ne?"
"My brother. What do you think of him?"
Go Eun walked silently for a while. "It's not easy to answer, Your Highness."
"Do try. I want to hear it."
"Ye. The Grand Prince is...........a living mystery to me."
The emperor laughed.
"Because?"
"He.....is contradictive."
"I like your honesty. Do be frank. Tell me what you honestly think."
"He......he often scares me. I find him very.........intimidating. But lately I've realized that he........has never been unkind to me. He says many harsh words. And yet his actions have always been.......well-justified."
"He scares you but you think he is actually kind?" Jung Jae asked, concluding the hesitant phrases she said into something coherent.
"............I believe so."
Jung Jae smiled, seeming to admire the surroundings but actually thinking of what to say next.
"What else?"
"........maybe this is just my feelings but............"
"Yes?"
"The Grand Prince seemed to be.........carrying a heavy burden inside him. I wish I could know what that is."
The emperor halted in his steps and took a closer look at his sister in-law.
It is true, I guess. People who love someone could see into the other person's secrets...........
Jung Jae sighed. "You can ask me anything about him. I will answer as much as I can."
"..........am I right, Your Highness? Does he have a heavy burden in his mind?"
"..........yes. Ever since our father died."
"What is it?"
"..........I can't tell you that. But. I could give you an advice."
"Please."
"Princess Kim Go Eun. Listen well. Regarding my brother, you must see with your heart, instead of with your eyes. And hear with your soul, instead of with your ears."
She stood looking at the emperor, waiting for something more, but he didn't say anything else.
"Your Highness. You didn't give me an advice. You gave me a riddle."
"You will understand in the future, I'm sure."
"I am going to be bold and ask another question, Your Highness."
"Go ahead."
"What about the negative rumors spreading about your bad relationship with him?"
"........I can't answer that now, too. Maybe soon. But even if you hear the answer. I think it's better from him instead of me."
"But—"
"I can't answer that, Princess Kim. I apologize."
"Algesseumnida."
She looked so disappointed that Jung Jae finally said. "One more question. And I will try to answer."
They walked quietly as Go Eun thought hard. Finally she turned back and asked him.
"What about you, Your Highness? What do you think about the Grand Prince?"
"What do I think about my brother?"
"Ne."
"..........Min Ho. Is as important as my own existence."
The wind blew, as if weighing the importance of what the emperor just said.
Go Eun was speechless again, and just followed when Jung Jae suggested them to head back.
"I see. Thank you, Your Highness."
"You're welcome, Princess Kim."
Together, they reached the emperor's chambers and came back to the sitting room where Min Ho was chatting with Lady Jeon, as Prince Jin played with his wooden toys.
************************************
Jung Jae had seen enough to conclude that his brother was falling for his young wife.
He was torn by the revelation. He was happy that Min Ho had finally found someone he admired enough to be his princess. But he was also afraid of the consequences that it would bring.
Who will the enemies hurt first?
The people we care most.
The whole meeting showed everything of Min Ho's feelings to his Lady Go Eun. It's obvious in the way he stopped speaking to hear her speak and in the way his eyes trailed to her again and again.
He brought Min Ho to his office as their wives stayed in the sitting room, throwing the joke he's been dying to say since he talked with Go Eun.
"Yah! How could that amazing girl agreed to marry you? You threatened her, right?"
"Well....you know me, Hyeong. My image is ruined already, thanks to your mission. So what else can I do except threatening her? I got her anyway."
Jung Jae laughed.
"A very pure, beautiful, and elegant Princess. I'd marry her myself if I haven't met Lady Jeon."
"Hyeong!!! Do you want to die?"
Jung Jae laughed harder.
"Ani, ani. It was just a joke. But I congratulate you. You look happier this month than the last."
"Thank you. And I guess........you're right."
"Aigoo. Uri high and mighty Grand Prince is falling.........."
Min Ho's eyebrow went up but he didn't deny it.
"Hajiman, you know the consequences, right?"
"I do" he answered somberly.
"Make sure she's entirely guarded, Min Ho-yah. All the time. If things go wrong........"
"Her pavilion is the most guarded place in my palace and she got her maid, who I found out is great in martial arts."
"The food she eats............"
"Made by the chef who worked for me since I was a child and her food is always tasted first by her maid."
Jung Jae nodded.
"You still look worried, Hyeong"
"Min Ho-yah. Worrying is my daily habit. I forgot how to live without doing that."
"I know. But.........if we let the feelings control us, there will never be the end of it."
"Ne. I just wish you both will always be safe."
"May I tell her? The truth, I mean."
"..............if you think you need to, tell her."
"Jjinjja?"
"Ne. It will not make her life easier, and maybe it's better if she doesn't know. But I sense that you need her to accept you completely. So you have my permission."
"Thank you. When the time is right. Maybe."
*****************************************
"What dangerous games are you playing, My Lord?"
Min Ho froze in his seat, before looking up at his wife.
"What did you say?"
They were sitting together in her chamber, setting their own desks a few meters apart.
He was reading documents about the situation of people in the north of the country, given by his brother earlier, while Go Eun was reading another book about philosophy she found in the library.
Min Ho had decided he liked spending more time with her outside the bed too. She had this delightful habit of not talking when he needed to concentrate.
His concentration was ruined then, though.
The soft-spoken question had the strength to break down his defenses.
She sat steadily, facing him. When she heard no answer, she got up and sat in front of him.
"I asked, Prince, what dangerous games are you playing? How could there be rumors of you wanting to murder the emperor and diligently plotting it when I see you and your brother look entirely attached to each other?"
The question was so clear asked in such concern that he was at a loss of what to say.
"What did Hyeong tell you?"
"Enough to make me doubt about everything negative I have heard about you."
"I will tell you one day."
"Answer me now. Please."
"........I can't."
"Why?"
"I don't think you need to know."
She got up and sat in front of him, carefully reaching for his hand, hoping to be understood.
"Don't you think I deserve to know, My Lord?"
"It will be better for your safety if you don't know."
"Shouldn't I carry your burden too?"
Min Ho's heart started to race again, this time in anxiety.
"What burden, Lady Go Eun?"
"You're cold one moment, and warm the next. You speak so harsh, but you've never really hurt me. You played with courtesans, but feed the poor. Prince, who is the real you?"
"........I have always been myself when I'm with you."
"It's not enough, My Lord. Tell me what you're hiding. What is it that you keep on thinking day and night?"
Min Ho felt as if she was trying to see his soul, unmasking his true identity. He felt cold, but his head felt burnt.
"Speak clearer, Lady Go Eun."
"It's you who have to be clearer, My Lord. There is something wrong. I can feel it. I feel restless since we married. The image people keep on painting about you outside and the real you are different. It's almost like you're acting on a role......Please. I don't think I will ever find peace if you don't tell me."
Should I tell you or not?
For the first time in his life, Min Ho felt the ground shook beneath him.
He sat staring at her, pondering what he should say. Should he just brush it off, dismiss the whole matter, and tell her that she was imagining things?
I want her to know. I need her to know. I want her trust, her acceptance, and respect.
Because if there was only one truth in his life, it was that he felt so exhausted carrying his burden alone.
He inhaled and closed his eyes for a while.
When he opened his eyes again, Go Eun was looking anxiously at him.
"Shall I tell you?"
"I beg you to do so."
"Fine. You must not retell this to anyone else."
"I won't. I swear."
"...........my father. The late emperor. Was murdered."
"Ne???"
"Poisoned. He was given small doses of poison for several years until he fell sick and died in the end"
Go Eun felt her insides twisted.
"The investigation informed that it has to be administered by his inner household staff. His closest bodyguard, his courtiers, and even his physician. No one could predict that. Everyone around him has worked for him for more than a decade."
"Apparently, they were bribed and threatened so much. They were persuaded and followed the plan."
"Who is this? Who are they that killed the late emperor?"
"It was ordered by the Queen. Queen Park Chae Young and The Left Councillor. At that time, my brother was still the crown prince and she was still the princess. But the Park clan had more power than we imagined. They managed to kill our father."
"And you, Prince? Except a mourning son, what is your role?"
"To gather evidence and destroy the Park clan, my brother has asked me to pretend as if I want to dethrone him. I was approached by the Park clan since I left the imperial palace in my adulthood and they have been trying to plot me against my brother."
"So......the emperor ordered you to be his spy, act like a vile man, and mingle with the enemy?"
"......Yes."
"How can the emperor be so heartless?"
"What???"
To Min Ho's utter disbelief, Go Eun was crying.
"How can he be so cruel and treat you so? How can he ask his own brother to live under a bad reputation for his sake? That is so cruel!"
"I will not have you speak like that about my brother!"
"But it is true!" Go Eun exclaimed, tears falling from her eyes. "He is cursing you a life of suffering! Why did you do that? You shouldn't have done this! Why did you let him? Why are you living a painful life because of him?"
"Because he is my brother. I will do anything for him."
"You—you—" she couldn't speak anymore as sobs choked her. "Do you know how bad most people think you are? The people love their emperor and they see you as the devil who wants to kill their god! People think you're nothing but a wealthy man with a royal blood, who keeps partying and wasting money on women!"
"I built that image myself. Consciously and willingly."
His determined look broke her heart.
She couldn't see his face anymore, blinded by her own tears.
"How could you do this to yourself? How could you?"
"I am planning a revenge for my father's death. He was a good man. He didn't deserve to die like that, poisoned by the people he trusted. I am also protecting my brother. I don't want him to meet the same fate as my father."
"But—what about you? What about you?"
"Me? I am fine like this. I believe I am doing what I should."
"People think you're a horrible man!"
"And you don't?"
"How can I? After knowing you, how can I see you as horrible? You're a good man. Maybe the bravest I have ever known!"
He wasn't really thinking. He was acting on impulse.
They were sitting on the matted floor and her last statement made him moved his desk and the next thing he knew he was holding her tight.
He had thrown himself at her and hugged her, as if she was the end line of his extremely long race.
"How long has this went on?"
"Five years........"
"You must stop this. Please. Tell the emperor you decide to stop."
"I can't. This is the only way for me to destroy the Park clan."
She knew then, there was nothing she could say to change his mind. Her heart bled thinking of all the pain he had to go through. Acting to make people believe that he was vile, sitting together with the person who planned the murder of his father, befriending him. And he must have listened to insults about his brother too, for years. And could do nothing to argue the insults and even had to pretend that he agreed.
The world spun around and only she appeared as the one firm figure that he could hold on to. He realized he was trembling with emotion.
"Go Eun-ah......I am exhausted......"
She sobbed, circling his body with her arms, wanting to erase away his pain.
"I can't bear to think how much you have suffered......"
"This is the right thing to do."
"There must be another way. Something less tormenting."
"There is no other way."
"How much longer will this have to go on? This has to end soon or you'll lose yourself!"
"We plan to move soon. Something that will defeat the Park clan once and for all."
"Gamsahamnida. For telling me the truth."
"Gamsahamnida. For trusting me"
They held each other like that for a long time.
She silently tried to mend his wounds inside while he gratefully lost himself in her warmth.
***********************************************
Author's Note:
And the truth is out between them.
He was exhausted with everything and met her at the right time.
Please tell me what you think about this chapter too!