Kabanata 20: ...Come With Nightmares
"Have you lost your mind?"
It was silence before Karine's words that are full of anger.
Everyone's eyes were on us and mom almost dropped the glass of wine she was holding dad was shocked, but he didn't say anything.
Cerine looked confused and Elijah looked as confused as her and everyone else inside the mansion.
"K-Karine... cal--"
"No, no!" Tinulak ni Karine si Cerine na sinusubukang pakalmahin siya but Karine's anger tonight blew the roof.
"What the fuck are you talking about? Engaged? With Silas?"
Naramdaman ko ang kamay ni Silas sa kamay ko, hinawakan niya yung ng mahigpit bago siya bumulong sa tenga ko.
"What are you doing, Aster?" he whispered.
I am doing what is right, Silas. Hindi ko alam kung gaano pala kadelikado ang Villanueva na 'to until I read that fucking letter. That was a letter to kill him, to kill his whole fucking family.
Tiningnan ko lang si Silas at kinagat ko ang babang labi ko sa sakit, ang sakit lang na malaman na kailangan niya 'tong maranasan kahit na wala naman siyang ginawang kasalanan.
He's my friend, he's like my brother, and for him to go through this pains me.
And I knew I had to do this.
I had to.
And the icing on the cake was when I met Dominic's eyes, he was right behind yaya Maria and it killed me, those eyes struck my heart, my broken fragile heart.
It's not just Silas, it's also Dominic, this is for me to protect the man I love. I have to do this so I can catch them off guard, Silas will help me and I'm just starting this whole plan.
"Yes, sister." I smiled at Karine.
"I am engaged with Silas. We've been thinking about it for a while now and... I also realized how good of a man he is. Well, not as a friend but as a potential husband, I saw him as a man and here we are." I chuckled.
Karine is furious, I know that, I understand why. But she will never understand what I'm doing, she would never understand.
"No, no. That's not a good fucking excuse, Aster."
"This is a good fucking excuse, Odelette." I made an emphasis on her first name without any more hesitation.
Nagulat ulet si Elijah at pati na rin si Cerine sa sinabi ko, I even said her first name.
I've never fought back like this against Karine, Karine has always been the leader among us siblings kahit na si Elijah ang panganay.
We know better than talk back to Karine, I would never talk back to her like this but... I have to.
I'm sorry, Karine. I am so sorry.
"And besides, this is good for me, for Silas, and for both families, right? Love?" binalik ko ang tingin ko kay Silas at napalitan ang gulat sa mukha niya ng ngiti pero alam kong naguguluhan pa rin siya.
"Yes, Aster."
"Geneva." Dad spoke that left chills in my body.
"Yes, dad?"
"Are you sure about this? Getting married to Silas? You know that getting married is more than just a union but a greater responsibility with building a family together, building a life."
Of course, alam ko yun. Matagal ko ng alam yun. Sa una hindi ko ginustong magpakasal ng walang pag-ibig, kung 'di ko mahal yung tao.
And then I met Dominic and I just knew, I just knew that he was the one I wanted to marry. I wanted to build a family with him and stay by him forever.
I'm not sure if it's still possible to do that. I'm getting married and I'll be annulled 3 years from now.
What a life.
"Yes. We've talked about it and I can't wait to build a life with this man too. It'll be amazing, dad."
Humigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa kamay ni Silas sa kaba, parang gusto ko ng isigaw sa mundo na hindi ako makahinga, na hindi ko na kaya.
"If you don't mind, I'd... like to go to the bathroom first, we'll talk about this amazing news after, excuse me..."
Alam mo yung pakiramdam na para bang nalulunod ka at kahit anong gawin mo para makaahon ka, para bang hinihila ka pa rin ng dagat ng pababa ng pababa?
O kapag tumatakbo ka at nahihirapan kang huminga, pero wala kang magagawa kung hindi tumakbo because it was the only fucking thing you can do.
The feeling was worst than both of them.
Tumakbo ako papasok sa banyo at agad akong napaluhod pagpasok ko pa lang sa loob.
Mabilis ang tibok ng puso ko, hindi ako makahinga, at nangangatog ang magkabila kong tuhod.
It sucks. This fucking sucks.
Just why? Why did I have to experience this?
'Di ko maalis sa utak ko kung bakit? I've been a good kid, a good daughter for my family, I have never hurt anybody, all I ever wanted was a life with the man I love, that's all I ever wanted!
And I did it. I finally did it. I announced to them that I'm engaged and that I'm building a fucking life with Silas.
It feels like I ended my dream life, I ruined it.
I ruined my chance to be with him.
Ha... natawa ako sa sarili kong pag-iisip. Nababaliw na siguro talaga ako, as if may chance ako sa kanya, sa puso niya.
Dominic was never in love with me. He didn't even try to at least fall for me, I'm just nothing to him.
A friend?
Siguro kaibigan pero hindi kaibigan ang gusto ko sa kanya, gusto ko siyang maging boyfriend, fiance, at asawa ko.
I want him to be the father of my kids, I want him!
I broke it. I ended it. I ended everything.
My tears poured from my eyes as I covered my mouth to stop myself from screaming in pain. I cried, I cried like an idiot in love, I cried for a death of love that would never ever happen.
For a dream that I wasn't able to reach.
This is not a dream anymore.
This is a nightmare.
A nightmare without him.
Silas went inside the bathroom and hugged me for a few minutes before we left to return to the family dinner.
Silas was also in pain, he hated the situation, he knew how much I hated getting married to someone that's not Dominic, he knew.
It feels as if we were tied down, we were tied in a union that would ruin us.
I still can't get over this.
Madali lang siguro na pagisipan yung plano o sabihin na gagawin nanamin 'to dahil responsibility namin yun bilang mga myembro ng mga pamilya namin na parte ng CREED.
Pero hindi pala madali na gawin yun.
I told myself that I will have to move on from Dominic because this is for him. I told myself that I'd have to let go of this dream because of this responsibility, I'm basically sacrificing my heart.
But when I told them that I'm engaged, it hurt.
It hurt, even more, when I saw him.
Ang alam ko lang, hindi magiging madali na makalimutan si Dominic.
But I knew that I had a promise and that promise was not just to love him forever but to also protect him.
To protect that smile.
...siguro sa pinakaunang beses na'ting pagkikita nung mga bata pa ta'yo, I was mesmerized by your beauty and how respectful you were.
You were someone I wanted to cherish, someone I loved, someone I wanted to protect forever. And I realized that it was you, that it's always been you, that I want to be with you.
I love your smile, and I promised to not just keep loving you but also to protect that smile of yours.
I will always keep that promise for you, even if it means breaking my own heart in the process.
"Geneva." narinig ko ang boses ni mama sa likod ko, tumalikod ako agad para harapin siya at binigyan ko siya nang malaking ngiti mula sa mukha ko.
"Yes, ma? Kamusta naman po kayo?" I ask, holding her hand as tight as I could, I really missed my mother, she must have been so tired after returning from her ten-hour flight from Honolulu to here in Manila.
"You know me, Geneva. I'm always alright, the vacation was beautiful... it's refreshing, maybe your brother was right, that this vacation would be perfect for me." tawa niya.
Mama is always glowing. Despite her age halata pa rin talaga ang ganda niya, if she wants puwede pa siyang umibig ulet at magpakasal, I know she could, but she chose not to. Hindi niya raw kayang magmahal nang iba kung alam naman niyang na kay papa ang puso niya, how is she supposed to fall for someone else if her heart belongs to someone else?
I found it adorable and beautiful. Mama truly loved our dad, and I'm sure our dad loved our mom, their love story is on another level of any Wattpad or romance books, ever.
I envy them. I really do.
"Akala ko po next week pa po kayo babalik?"
"Ah... yes. That was the plan until I heard that you're getting married... soon."
We stop walking and it's obvious how scared my mom is right now. She is concerned not because of the wedding, but because of me. Nawala yung ngiti ko nang maramdaman ko ang mainit na yakap ng kamay niya sa mga kamay ko, itinaas niya iyon at hinalikan sila pareho.
"Geneva, I love you, you know that right?" Tumango ako sa kanya.
"And you know that you deserve the world, you deserve love, and everything beautiful and precious in the world. You are my daughter, my fall, my autumn, my... aster."
"I know, ma, I know." I smile bitterly.
Alam ko naman kung anong ibig sabihin nang ekspresyon na yan, at eto ang huling bagay na gusto kong makita ngayong araw. She reminds me of Cerine whenever these kind of things happen, and I hate it... I hate it because it makes me want to stop it, to stop everything.
"Kung alam mo, bakit kailangan mong saktan ang sarili mo?"
"Ma, I don't know what you're talking about. This is what I have chosen for myself, for our family, for you..."
"And for him, too?"
Huminga ako nang malalim sa sinabi ni mama, halos 'di nanaman ako makahinga. Hindi ko inaakalang talagang dadalhin ni mama si Dominic sa usapan na 'to. I need to stop this conversation right now before pa 'ko may masabing hindi maganda, it's a habit that I don't want to do in front of my very own mother that I love.
"Ma... stop this."
"Seriously, Geneva." muntik ko nang marinig ang mura ni mama, galit siya, galit talaga si mama sa desisyon ko.
I wondered kung inexplain man lang ba ni Karine yung desisyon ko kay mama, she's the oldest daughter of this family for God's sake.
"Ma, I told you, this is for our family. This is necessary for our growth as a family, nothing more, do you understand? The Nakamoto family would help us for all the investments, and we, Dixons, could also help them with expanding other ventures just like how Diamantes helped us before." I explained.
Pero wala, hindi nag-iba ang reaksyon at ekspresyon ni mama. The more I stare at her and her eyes, the more I want to let it all go and just cry. But shit, I don't want to. Ayoko, kasi alam ko na once umiyak ako, babalik lang ako.
Once na umiyak ako, tatakbo lang ako pabalik sa kanya, ayoko no'n. I can't, I shouldn't. I really shouldn't.
"Ma..."
"Geneva, please. I don't want you to regret this, I don't want you to hurt yourself, please..."
I'm sorry, ma. Pero matagal ko nang nasaktan ang sarili ko, matagal na. And I'm sure that I won't regret this at all because this decision is for him. I already promised that I would keep loving him until I couldn't feel anything, but I have to keep my last promise, and that is to protect that smile of his.
"I'm sorry, ma..."
That was the last thing I told her before I left her in the hallway. There are many things I want to tell her but it will only hurt me even more. I chose this, I chose this for the family, and for him, there is no way I'm choosing another way out of this.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko para pakalmahin ang sarili at para rin magising ako sa realidad. I have to wake up and stop acting like such a weak bitch, hindi puwede, not right now, not when I'm about to meet these people. This is one of the most important meetings I would ever attend in my whole life, so I have to calm down.
But then I couldn't. I couldn't calm down and hold it all together kung siya ang nasa harap mismo ng pintuan ng office ko. This time, nakaharap siya sa'kin at hindi blanko ang ekspresyon ng mukha niya, it was something different, he was still maintaining a stoic expression.
It's been a week since I've told him that I've finally found the perfect husband for me. I told him and didn't even bother watching his reaction, I couldn't. Natatakot ako na baka bawiin ko yung desisyun ko.
"Ms. Dixon."
"Herrero, you're here."
"Of course, I'm here... I've... I've always been here, always." I fix my tuxedo just in case I looked unprepared but really, I am trying to calm my own goddamn heart because it was beating too fast.
"Do you need me inside? I mean... my help?" tanong niya.
Inialis ko ang mga pocus ng mga mata ko sa kanya at binuksan ang pintuan ng opisina ko.
"No." I pause.
"I don't need you, Herrero." I stole one last glance from him before I enter my office, and it was the very first time that I'd seen his face like that.
A face full of so much surprise, shock, perhaps... it was also the first time that I've told him straight to his face that I didn't need him.
But that was a lie. I've always needed you, I've always did. Kahit hanggang ngayon kailangan pa rin kita, hinding hindi ko kaya na hindi ka makita o hindi ka makatabi, it's all different without you.
No, no, Geneva. Bawal. Hindi puwede. Hindi ka na puwedeng bumalik doon sa labas, ito na ang pinili mo, wala nang balikan.
"Ms. Dixon."
I close the door and face the man sitting on my own chair. Wearing a dark-red velvet suit and a black tie with his hair sleek back and his posture so laid-back just like his hair, how could you even take this man seriously? And then I felt our eyes meet and his lips slowly drawing an infamous smirk that he loves to use when he's around women.
"Good afternoon." I greet him.
"Good afternoon to you, my friend." his smirk appears.
I sigh, slowly walking towards him.
"It's been a couple of days, Geneva."
Umupo ako sa harap niya at inayos ang buhok ko tsaka ko siya tinitigan nang walang ekspresyon o reaksyon sa mukha ko.
"It's not that long..." I spoke, tilting my head.
"You're exaggerating as always, it's always been in your nature."
"Well, you know my family..." he chuckles, unbuttoning his suit.
"It's not your family, it's always been you. Don't use your family now as an excuse for your words or actions... seriously... I feel bad for her now." I roll my eyes at him after, crossing my arms against my chest.
"Masyado kang seryoso, Geneva. And here I thought that Cerine was the cold one, turns out that it's you, that you're the Ice Princess of this Dixon bloodline. Oh god, just like your father."
"Can we just focus on what's important?"
Inayos niya ang posisyon niya sa upuan ko at umupo siya nang maayos, dahan dahan niyang inilapit ang sarili at ang upuan ko sa'kin na may kasamang maliit pero seryosong ngisi sa bibig niya. Now we're talking, now this is business, now this is what truly matters.
"So, why don't we get started, Silas?"
Umupo siya ng maayos at umupo na rin si Keira sa tabi niya.
I remember her, she was the one that was flirting with Dominic that night, I don't even want to think about him right now baka maiyak lang ako at kung ano pang lumabas sa bibig ko.
"Nice to meet you, Ms. Dixon."
"Please, call me Aster or Geneva, whichever one you prefer." ngiti kong sabi sa kanya.
She's gorgeous, just like her twin brother. Yeah, they're twins, kahit nga 'ko nagulat na magkambal sila. They have similar vibes and I feel like I'm meeting the female version of Silas.
"My brother has told me so many amazing things that he loves about you, how you caught his attention, and how hard-working you are in your own business."
No, kung ano-ano lang ang pinagsasabi sa'yo ng kambal ko, pinagloloko niya lang tayong dalawa, Keira.
"Did he? Well, there are so many amazing things that I love about him too, right? Love?"
I want to throw up, fuck.
"Kei, why don't you leave us for now? We haven't seen each other for days, I miss my fiance."
Ang landi mo talaga, ang landi landi mo talaga! Naiinis ako sa tuwing naiisip ko na magiging mag-asawa na kami, nababaliw ako talaga, alam ko naman na ito na yung dapat pero 'di ako makamove on na ikakasal na 'ko sa kanya.
Dad was shocked but we talked and he said that he knows how good of a businessman Silas is, so if I was happy with him then he'd give me his blessing to marry Silas.
Of course magmamanhikan pa rin si Silas, ewan ko nga lang kung kailan, bahala na siya.
Keira left us and his posture immediately changed when his twin left us inside the room, pamatay lang yung titig ko sa kanya sa pagod at inis.
"How is it? The Villanueva?"
"We're close but they're still hiding. I'm not going to lie but they're really good. By now dapat alam na nila na ikakasal na tayong dalawa."
"Good, so... what's next? Just us getting married?"
"No, mamanhikan, 'di ba?"
Tumango naman ako sa sinabi niya.
"Anong plano?"
Lumapit siya sa'kin ng konti at ibinigay sa'kin yung envelope, binuksan ko yung envelope at doon ko nabasa na ang binigay niya pala sa'kin ay imbitasyon.
"What is this?"
"Invitation to our engagement party, Aster. I invited Diamantes." he smirks.
Oh God. He's serious, he really is inviting the Diamantes.
Nung nakaraan, hindi ko pa rin magets kung bakit nga ba kailangang ako pa pero doon ko napagkamalan na matalino si Silas.
Because Dixons and Diamantes are related to each other, he plans to catch the Villanuevas off-guard with the Diamantes coming to our engagement party.
Siguradong magugulat sila.
"You're going to scare them, Silas." natatawa kong sabi sa kanya.
"Yes, that is the plan. And then the icing on the cake would be our wedding, and then... they're done." he chuckles.
After the wedding, Nakamotos will finally catch them and the Villanuevas lurking around Silas will be in prison, I cannot wait to see that.
"I can't believe na ikakasal pa rin tayo, Silas."
"Hey! At least we can help each other as a married couple now, right? Hindi na bilang magkaibigan lang sa mga mata ng bayan."
"Baliw ka ba? Do you think I wanted us to be a married couple?"
We were just about to talk about our wedding details when someone suddenly opened the door, pareho kaming dalawa ni Silas na napatingin sa taong nagbukas ng pinto, it was Dominic.
What is he doing here?
Naramdaman ko agad yung nagbabagang ngiti ni Silas, he's going to tease me again, bwisit talaga.
"Ms. Dixon, you have a visitor."
"Right now?" sabat ni Silas.
Tiningnan ko agad siya ng masama tsaka doon lumabas yung ngiti niya, mang-aasar pa siya alam naman niyang nasasaktan pa rin ako pagdating kay Dominic.
I roll my eyes at Silas before I brought my attention back to Dominic.
"Sino?"
"Someone important, I cannot discuss who the person is."
Huh. 'Di ko magets. Sino ba yun at 'di niya pwedeng sabihin sa harap ni Silas? Could it be a Diamante?
Ewan ko ba.
"Can you tell them that I'll be with them--"
"They said right now. That it has to be now."
Seriously, who is this person?
'Wag mong sabihing si Aida? Problema nanaman ba sa buhay niya? And I thought she said that her getting married would make her life even better?
Tumayo ako at tiningnan si Silas na may ngiti sa labi ko, hinawakan niya ang kamay ko as a sign na maghihintay siya sa'kin, tumango na lang din ako.
Lumabas kaming dalawa ni Dominic at sinarado niya ang pinto.
Well, this is awkward. 'Di ko siya matingan sa mata, I just can't, kahit na medyo okay na 'ko 'di pa rin ako okay sa tuwing nasa tabi ko siya.
Especially what happened last week.
Yeah, ayokong isipin yung nangyari nung nakaraang linggo.
Hinila niya 'ko papasok sa pinakamalapit na kwarto sa hallway at nilock niya agad yung pintuan bago niya 'ko tinulak sa pader.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" galit kong sabi sa kanya.
"The fuck is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with you, Geneva?"
He trapped me with the use of his body and his arms behind me. Ramdam ko ang init ng kamay niya sa likod ko at kung gaano kalapit ang katawan namin sa isa't-isa.
I don't know.
I don't know what's wrong with me but whatever is happening between me and Dominic started last week after that night.
"Please... please just... don't do this to me." he begs.
"Please don't marry him, don't fucking marry him, please."
Things just got more fucked.