Kabanata 16: Yearn For You
"Are you... sure?"
I've never thought about this.
I never thought that this day would come when I would have to face a Villanueva one day, I hated them so much especially whenever I think about Dominic's past with that family.
Naalala ko rin yung mga sinabi sa'kin ng mga magulang ko at pati na rin yung sinabi nila Karine sa'kin kung anong nagawa nila, the reason why Diamantes became what they are now was because of Liza Villanueva who had died on a car crash.
Sabi nila aksidente raw, but we found out after that it wasn't an accident, it was planned.
It was the start of the hell that Diamantes created for the Villanueva family. Wala na silang pake, wala na talaga. Jean Klaus Diamante was not just pissed, I mean... they killed the love of his life and when Genevieve Diamante was barely a year old.
Ang pamilyang yun din ang dahilan kung bakit napatay yung nanay ni Aida, her father died after and left Aida with Jean Klaus Diamante.
Ang daming nadamay dahil sa mga nagawa ng pamilyang yun, kahit si Dominic.
At hanggang ngayon pinaghahanap pa rin yung ibang mga myembro ng pamilyang yun, they use fake names and we're trying our best to find them and end that terrible bloodline.
"Yes."
And here I am.
I feel like I'm about to go on a war against a Villanueva.
"There is a Villanueva hiding in our family, and we're trying to find who it is."
"Do you have an idea who might it be?"
"Yes, the person is closer than ever, the person is close to our family."
Fuck. Ngayon kinakabahan na 'ko para kay Silas, kung ganoon na kaclose yung taong yun sa paligid niya then they're probably planning something and Silas might be in danger already.
"Bakit 'di mo sinabi sa CREED?"
"Because I've already gone into the deep end, Geneva. Wala na 'kong choice, gano'n sila kalapit sa'kin at sa pamilya ko. And if they learned that I talked to the CREED about this then they'll kill my family..."
"Shit, Silas."
No wonder he couldn't risk it, he couldn't risk talking to my sisters about this.
Siguradong magugulat yung tao kapag kinausap niya yung reyna ng pamilya ko, so he talked to me instead so they won't think about anything about Silas' movements.
"And you think... getting married to me... would what? 'Di ko magets kung bakit gusto mong magpakasal tayong dalawa, Silas." natatawa kong sabi.
It just doesn't make sense.
Ano namang mangyayari kung ikakasal kami? Anong makukuha namin? Anong makukuha ko?
"If we get married, it would be seen as a union between two beautiful wealthy families, Geneva." umupo siya sa tabi ko at ibinigay sa'kin ang dokyumento na kanina pa niya hawak-hawak.
Binuksan ko ang dokyumento at nabasa ko agad yung marriage application niya para sa'kin, it's also filled with achievements, sales, and every business he had invested into and how much profit he's gotten this year.
And of course, taxes.
This is a document for me to give my sisters and my family as a reason why I think Silas is the perfect husband for me.
This is fucking crazy, naiimagine ko na nga yung reaksyon nila kapag tinanggap ko 'tong marriage proposal ni Silas.
What the actual fuck?
I know that I want to reject his proposal, never ko naisip o naimagine na baka magpakasal kami kasi kaibigan ko siya at may mahal akong iba.
Pero ngayon pinagiisipan ko na ng mabuti kung tatanggapin ko ba 'to o hinde, kung hindi lang niya sinama yung Villanueva e 'di sana kanina ko pa 'to tinaggihan.
"They would see this as a threat, they would back away, they would stop their plans, and then we'll catch them in action."
"Silas, we're getting married, do you understand that? Marriage is like once in a lifetime!" tumayo ako sa inis.
I can't do this. I can't imagine a life, a marriage life with Silas!
Ang gusto ko ay ang ikasal kay Dominic, siya lang naman yung lalaking minahal ko, siya lang din yung lalaking iniisip ko gabi gabi, siya lang.
It's my dream to be with him, to get married to him.
Alam ko na nasaktan niya 'ko dahil sa ginawa niya pero at the end of the day siya pa rin ang mahal ko at mamahalin ko.
So to get married to another man is fucking torture.
Because how? How would you breathe after that?
After the truth that you'll never be able to live a life with the love of your life?
How do you live after that?
How do you walk past that shit?
"Alam ko kung anong nasa isip mo, Geneva... but this is important and I didn't want to use this against you but..." huminga siya ng malalim bago siya tumayo at humarap ulet sa'kin.
"...this person might be one of those people who tortured Dominic for years."
Oh shit, he really went for it, huh?
Pinikit ko ang mga mata ko at umupo ulet sa sofa habang sinusubukan kong pakalmahin ang sarili ko dahl ayokong umiyak, kakaiyak ko lang tapos iiyak nanaman ulet ako?
This is so fucking painful.
"Wala na bang ibang paraan? Bakit 'di na lang si Norvina o... o... si Cerine?" naiiyak kong tanong.
"Please, Geneva..." he kneeled before me and wiped the tears pouring from my eyes.
Damn it, damn it! Wala na ba talagang ibang paraan?
Bakit kasal? Inisip ko nang mabuti kung bakit 'di na lang gawing peke ang kasal pero doon ko rin naisip na malapit na yung Villanueva kaya agad na nilang malalaman kung peke o hinde, we need to make it real if... we are getting married.
"Ano ng gagawin ko, Silas? Mahal ko siya... I... I can't get married to you." bulong ko sa kanya.
"I know that. But we, you and I? We were born for this, to protect the country, we're basically members of the CREED now, it is our duty to end the Villanueva bloodline."
"But..."
So this is what Aida meant, huh?
Responsibilities always come first before desire, before dreams, before... life.
Before him.
He's always been my first to everything together with my family. And now I have to let go of my dreams because of my responsibility as a Dixon.
"Sasabihin ko sa CREED kapag final na yung kasal na'tin, Geneva. Don't worry, we'll work together and we will end them, alright?" he smiles.
Kahit na gano'n ko kamahal si Dominic, isa lang ang gusto ko sa kanya at yun ay maging masaya siya. I promised myself to always make him smile, to give him a life he deserves.
"If... this person is close to you and to your family, then this person probably knows who Dominic is, Silas..."
Oh fuck.
Now there's another reason for me to accept this.
"You might be right."
"Kapag kinasal tayong dalawa, they would see it as threat, new power, but it can also mean that they could get closer to Dominic because you and I would be family, right?"
"Yes." tango niyang sagot.
It's risky.
But it's a good plan, getting married so we can catch them off-guard, it would make sense.
If the person is close to Silas and to his family, then it'll be easier to find them now, but we also need to be careful because if they are that close then tulad din ng sinabi ni Silas...
...they would kill his family because they know everything about them now.
"I want to think about this properly, Silas. And if we're going to do this, we need to make it look like we've been eyeing each other for a while and that... we don't see each other as friends anymore."
"Alright, I understand."
It's going to be hard for me to process this.
Kahit na sinabi ko na iisipin ko 'to ng mabuti, wala na 'kong choice, this is a good fucking plan for me to run away from.
I will marry Silas Nakamoto, shit.
Ilang plato rin ng cake ang nilamon ko sa inis at sakit, magdidiet sana ako kaso grabe lang talaga yung pinagdaanan ko today kaya wala na 'kong pake sa salad salad na yan.
I told them myself walang pwedeng makaalam ng pinagusapan naming dalawa ni Silas, we'll tell them one day just now.
What's important is thinking about today and what I'm going to do after I accept the marriage proposal.
I thought I was going to be okay until I saw Dominic inside my office, nag-tama ang mga mata namin sa isa't-isa, imbes na ang maramdaman ko ay galit dahil sa ginawa niya, ang naramdaman ko lang ay sakit.
"You're here, Geneva." ngiti niyang bati sa'kin.
Nag-iba ang ekspresyon ng mukha niya at ibinaba niya yung mga dokyumento na hawak niya sa ibabaw ng lamesa ko, unti-unti siyang naglakad papalapit sa'kin pero agad akong humakbang papaatras mula sa kanya.
"G-Geneva? What's wrong?"
I can't handle this right now.
I can't handle him looking at me like this.
Kinakabahan ako at natatakot ako na baka may lumabas sa bibig ko na hindi niya pwedeng marinig.
I need to get away from him.
"Nothing, I'm going."
"Going? Kakarating mo lang..."
"Don't--"
Huminga ako ng malalim, fuck... I'm going crazy here. Gagawin ko na lang yung iba kong gawain somewhere else. I can't be here, I just can't.
"Please... I need to go, Dominic."
Kung pipiliin ko na pakasalan si Silas then I'll have to draw a line between me and Dominic.
Feeling ko naman matagal ng may linya sa pagitan naming dalawa dahil siya yung mismong gumuguhit no'n.
Every time that he would reject me, he would try to draw a line or create a border between us, I know that, and yet I still crossed them and broke them.
Gusto ko mang tanggihan si Silas, hindi ko naman talaga siya matanggihan, responsibilities first.
All I could see in the end is me letting go of my feelings for Dominic.
"Alright, just take care of yourself."
"Sure."
Sa palagay niya ba may time pa 'ko na isipin ang sarili ko ngayon?
Nabibwisit nga 'ko eh, ang dami kong pagiisipan.
I don't feel like eating dinner with my family either, I just listened to them the whole time but I didn't touch my food. I felt stupid and just tired of everything.
"I have to go to the bathroom, sorry."
Kahit doon sa dinner parang 'di ko na kinaya, 'di ako makahinga, I just needed to be somewhere and still I can't do it, I can't breathe. Tapos katabi pa ni mama si Dominic habang kumakain kaming pamilya, fuck.
"Aster?"
"Cerine?" nagulat ako at agad kong pinunasan ang mga luha sa pisngi ko bago siya pumasok sa banyo.
Humaba na yung buhok ni Cerine at parang pumayat din siya, pero kahit na gano'n 'di pa rin nawawala yung ngiti sa labi niya sa tuwing magkasama o magkatabi kaming dalawa.
"Iihi ka rin?" tanong ko.
"Are you okay?"
"Pang-ilang tanong na ba yan ng bayan sa'kin today, ha?" natatawa kong tanong sa kanya.
Nanginginig pa yung boses ko sa kaba na baka umiyak ako sa harap niya, ayokong umiyak, 'di pa 'ko ready na bumigay sa harap ni Cerine o sa harap ng myembro ng pamilya ko. I feel so fucking weak too, shit.
"Aster, I'm your sister. Hindi man tayo kambal pero kilala kita..."
"Kilalang-kilala mo naman talaga ako, Cerine. I know that, I know that because I'm a very obvious sister, alright?"
"And you're terrible at lying."
"That too..."
It didn't even took a minute for me to give up on lying in front of her.
Bakit kasi ganyan siya makatingin sa'kin? Na para bang ang dami na niyang alam kahit na wala pa nga akong sinasabi sa kanya?
"Is it because of the marriage application, kanina?" malambot pa ang boses niya, shit.
"I don't know anymore, Cerine... 'di ko na talaga alam..."
Cerine did not hesitate and pulled me into a warm embrace, doon na rin ulet pumatak ang mga luha ko, kahit na tumutulo na yung mga luha ko sinubukan ko pa rin na hindi magsalita o sumigaw, baka marinig ako ng pamilya namin.
"It's okay, Aster. It must have been hard for you to keep it in, hm?"
But that's the thing, it's not because of the marriage applications, it's because of Dominic and this feeling that my love for him might come to an end.
I'll have to let him go because of my responsibility to end the Villanuevas.
I pulled out of the hug and Cerine wiped all the tears from my face. Buti na lang at waterproof yung mascara ko baka kanina pa 'ko haggard.
"He... he..."
I have to say something, I have to lie, I can't tell her the truth that it's all because of Silas' marriage proposal.
"He... doesn't love me, Cerine." iyak kong bulong sa kanya.
Wala pa ngang isang minuto naiiyak nanaman ako.
Ayokong ikasal kay Silas, ayoko talaga, pero yung mga sinabi niya, talagang naintindihan ko kung saan siya nanggagaling eh.
"Dominic doesn't love me."
But at the same time, nasaktan din naman ako sa ginawa ni Dominic, he broke my heart with that shit he pulled.
Tama siya na kapag kinasal ako sa isang lalaki na kilala na sa business sa ibang bansa then I'd get so much benefit from it, that I could build my own hotel branch there.
Pero 'di niya ba naisip kung anong mararamdaman ko?
Kung 'di ba 'ko masasaktan sa ginawa niya?
Akala niya ba sasaya ako sa desisyon niya para sa'kin?
No! I'm fucking annoyed and I feel betrayed!
"He did that shit, Cerine. He did it!"
"Hey, hey... it's okay."
"Okay? It's never okay. Yung taong mahal ko pababayaan lang akong magpakasal sa iba para sa sarili kong negosyo samantalang alam naman niya na mahal ko siya at siya lang ang pipiliin ko! I'm not okay with that, Cerine... and I..."
I could still remember the day when we first met, that's when I knew na papakasalan ko siya at siya lang rin talaga.
"He's the only one I want to marry... only him, only Dominic..."
Sa tuwing naiimagine ko yung buhay na wala si Dominic sa tabi ko, biglang nahihirapan akong huminga, parang nawala yung hangin sa buong katawan ko, dumilim din ang paningin ko, ang hirap lang, ang hirap.
"Dominic only wanted the best for you, Geneva. Kaya lang niya yun ginawa ay dahil, hindi ibig sabihin nun ay 'di ka rin niya mahal."
Ah, is this how I sounded like whenever I talk to myself that Dominic fell for me, or Dominic would fall in love with me too?
Ang tanga naman, ang tanga kong pakinggan.
Parang nauntog ako tapos nagising ako sa katotohanan na ganito pala ako ka tanga at ka bobo. Ganito talaga kapag baliw na baliw ka sa taong mahal mo, 'no?
"Tell me, Cerine... ganito ka rin ba nung nalaman mo na hinding hindi ka mamahalin ng taong mahal mo?"
Napalitan ng seryoso ang ekspresyon niya, agad naman ding bumalik ang ngiti niya pero mas mapait at mas masakit ang bumalik yo'n.
"Maybe."
Cerine told me that she'll lie to our parents and Karine that I'm feeling a bit sick so I'll come home early, nag pa reserve agad ako ng room sa malapit na hotel for a day.
I'm probably going to sleep early or eat ice cream until 2 in the morning, ewan ko, wala na 'kong pake, okay naman ang negosyo ko today, mali bang magpahinga muna para naman sa katawan at isip ko?
Nag-retouch ako kasi ayokong magmukhang tanga o broken hearted, akala ko magiging okay na 'ko o normal na ang pakiramdam ko pero nasira agad yun nang makita ko siya sa labas ng banyo na mukhang naghihintay sa'kin.
'Di rin nakakatulong na ang hot niya tingnan na sa CHANEL suit and tie tapos ang higpit pa nung pantalon niya so he looks so fucking muscular and thick right now.
Balak niya ba 'kong bwisitin at pakiligin at the same time?
Remember, you need to stop this, Geneva.
You can talk to him but not now, you're not ready and you're this close to crying again.
Lalagpasan ko sana siya ng bigla niya kong hinila sa may braso ko at tiningnan niya 'ko nang mariin at seryoso rin ang ekspresyon ng mukha niya.
Huh, wala akong pake sa kung anong gusto niyang sabihin, ang gusto ko lang ay mapagisa, ang hirap na nga eh!
Ang hirap na, Dominic, pahihirapan mo pa!
"I'll drive you home."
"Well, thank you for following my sister's orders then." ngiti kong sabi at inialis ang hawak niya sa braso ko.
"I wanted to drive you home, I asked--"
"I get it."
Heto nanaman tayo, heto nanaman yung sarap at kilig na mararamdaman mo kapag pinapansin ka na ng crush mo.
Sa una mapait at masakit kasi nasaktan ka, tapos bigla silang babalik at papakiligin ka, ganon ganon naman eh.
'Di ko siya kinausap at binuksan ko pa yung pinto ng kotse para sa sarili ko, hindi ko na siya hinintay.
"Saan mo gustong pumunta? Sa mans--"
"The hotel next to this place."
"Ha? Anong hotel?"
"That hotel, right there." tinuro ko pa yung building, mabilis lang din yung reservation ko.
Buti na lang at 'di sila fully-booked kung hindi baka uuwi lang ako sa mansion o baka doon ako sa hotel ko, pero ayoko nun kasi baka makakasama ko si Dominic, ayoko ring makita niya 'kong umiyak.
"Bakit doon?"
"Magmaneho ka na lang, bumalik ka na lang din kanila Karine, or maybe you could just return home..." I sigh.
Iniisip ko tuloy kung magorder kaya ako ng Jollibee sa hotel, marami rami ring ice cream ang kakainin ko ngayong gabi, pero masarap din yung fries nila.
Tapos sprite para sa inumin, naku excited na 'kong kumain mama--
"Talk to me properly, Geneva." nasorpresa ako sa paglalim ng boses niya.
Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko sa kaba, teka lang... tama ba yung narinig ko?
Talk to him properly daw?
"I am talking to you in a proper way, Dominic."
Pumarada siya sa labas ng entrance ng hotel and unbuckled his seatbelt as he faced me without any hesitation and I could feel his presence and his stare right at me.
"Geneva."
"Ano bang kailangan mo?" tanong ko sa kanya at tinitigan siya pabalik.
Hindi ako matatakot, oo mahal kita pero pagod na pagod ako sa dami kong pinagdaanan at mga luha na nailabas today.
Tao lang din naman ako, Dominic.
Nasasaktan at napapagod din ako.
"Look, Dominic... I'm tired... and sick."
"Yun lang ba talaga?"
"Yup."
"Talaga?"
"Yes, talaga."
Kabado nanaman ako tangina.
Kung makatitig siya para bang may nagawa akong kasalanan sa kanya at gusto niya na aminin ko yung kasalanan ko.
"Narinig ko na nakipagkita ka kay Silas."
"And?"
"Hindi mo sinabi sa'kin na may meeting pala kayong dalawa."
"Well... it's not really a meeting..."
"Ano?!
"Wala..."
Siguro pagod lang talaga ako kasi parang narinig kong tumaas yung boses niya, siguro pagod lang talaga ako, yun lang. At siguro gutom na rin ako kahit na 'di naman talaga ako gutom.
"Did you go on a date wit--"
"Hell no, never... never, Dominic. Ew!"
It's worst than that, ew.
Wala pa ngang date pero ikakasal na kami, shet!
Wala rin akong singsing, baliw talaga si Silas, gusto niya kaming magpakasal at siya yung nagtanong pero wala man lang biniling singsing.
He's terrible at this, he'll be a terrible husband for sure.
"That's good then."
"Ha?"
"Nothing." ngumiti lang siya sa'kin.
"Well then, papasok na 'ko, I'll see you tomorrow."
"O-Okay..."
Pero hindi pa rin ako nakaalis sa inuupuan ko at nakatitig lang ako sa kanya.
Inobserbahan ko siya, yung buhok niya, mata niya, at yung labi niya... lahat lahat niya.
Because I feel like this will be the last time that I can look at him with so much affection.
"Dominic."
Tiningnan niya ako pabalik at kasama pa rin ang ngiti niya.
I'll do everything to protect your smile, I'll do everything to make you happy.
I hope that you can remember that everything I do is solely for your happiness, because...
"I love you."
Mapait ang ngiting nakaguhit sa labi ko bago ako lumabas sa kotse niya.
Hindi ko na rin siya tiningnan at naglakad ako papasok habang tumutulo ang mga luha ko.
Gusto kong magdasal na sana hindi pa ito ang huli, pero alam ko na ito na talaga ang huling beses na maaamin ko na mahal ko siya.
My hands are tied, Dominic.
My hands are now tied. But I still love you.