I stared at Zoya, and she stared back as if challenging me to decline. It sounded too perfect, seemed too flawless to have Zoya's support and I almost nodded my assent but the loose thread in my heart still coiled around in aching circles, the truth and meaning of it skirted past me and instead of a nod, I found myself shaking my head. I won't run away and leave my family in tatters of shame, to be laughed at and unable to show their faces in any event. I couldn't. I remembered sitting on the sofa in Shifa's flat and telling her about the cousin who eloped with a Hindu boy. I remembered my mother telling me all about the worsening condition of her mother, the weeping, the wailing and then the praying to keep her daughter safe wherever she was, with whomever she was and keep her happy in her new life. And at last, hoping that she returned home because only death awaited her. How could I do that to my parents? How could anyone? But then I remembered Shifa's voice claiming to do the same if left with the only choice. I did not have the courage and heart to do that and still be able to face myself in the mirror. Besides, I hadn't even seen my choices.
"What? No? Adia, this is the last chance, if you don't wish to marry Wahab then you run."
My head shook again, with more vigour than before and I stood up. The new strength powered through my veins and turned to the mirror. Trying my best to avoid glancing at the two of them. Too afraid of what I'll see.
"My makeup must be reapplied."
For the sake of my sanity, neither of them talked again and the makeup was done in an eerie silence. I kept my eyes on my lap, lifting them only when Divya applied a layer of kohl.
I didn't know how it happened, the whole ordeal went in a dazed blur of sound and colours, but I found myself sitting on the low cushioned stool. On my side, my mother sat with other female relatives of my family. The quiet followed the commotion and I raised my eyes. Wahab sat before me, a huge smile on his face and his gaze already on me. My stomach dropped and then I heard it, the voice of the qazi, reciting the lines from his booklet and I watched as he announced the dowry, the amount of my first night's gift from Wahab, my zakat, an assurance that I would not be left with nothing to my name if Wahab ever decided to divorce me. I followed the nod of Wahab's head and when I was counting to ten and praying for it to be done, my eyes betrayed me and went past my almost-husband and landed on Shifa.
My breath paused where it was and suddenly the large space felt too small. Her stare, I realized with a flash of shame, was harsh and unmoving as if she couldn't believe she would be seeing me there at all. Had she thought I would run away too? The heat of her disappointment and something I couldn't touch my finger on compelled me to hold it. Whatever she gave, I took, however scorching. If it was anger, she had for me, then so be it. But then her face softened and her whole face broke into a pained smile and ever so slightly, she bowed her head. Like looking at was too tough a task. My heart struggled inside the cage and my palm itched with a burning desire to reach out to her and hold her hand in mine and—
"Adia!"
My trance broke with a loud snap, my mother's hand still grasping my elbow and I looked back at Wahab. His forehead was creased, and my ears burned hot. The qazi repeated his sentences to me, this time I tried to listen, but the air was waning, and my lips parted in a silent gasp. I needed the air to breathe, but it was so difficult to inhale, there was nothing to hold onto.
"No. Please, please. The air—please."
Everything happened in a hurry that I didn't get time to fan my face and I was back in the room. To cool down the sweat. No one would reapply my makeup if I ruined it with my tears again but the need, the burning and the ache made it so hard to control the urge. I was still grasping, hoping Allah would show me mercy and just let me breathe, I was undeserving but still, hoped that He take pity on me.
"Adia! What's wrong, my jan. Adia!"
"I can't do this. Please, please, please. No. Don't- I. Please, let me breathe."
The crowd was getting heavy and as I threw my head back to calm the burning behind my eyes, I caught sight of Shifa in the middle of the gathering. Seeing her face halted me from making any attempt to jerk my neck and it seemed as if time had stopped altogether. Shifa's face was scrunched up in concern, her eyes shone in a suspicious glint, and I had to blink to take a clearer look. And what I saw stilled me into a violent calm. Her head was covered with a bright blue scarf, and though her face appeared devoid of any makeup, her ears were sporting silver droopy earrings instead of the hoops she preferred. I found myself angry. At what, I didn't know. Not completely. Her mother had forced her to wear the dress, the scarf and the earrings and my heart pounded in my ears. How did she dare?
"Adia? Are you alright?" my mother touched my arm again and shouted at someone to fetch a glass of cool water, "Adia? Are you fine? Should we head back to the stage again?"
I detached my eyes from Shifa and landed my gaze on ummi. Her mouth set in a worried line, I didn't look for too long and roamed my eyes about the room. There were so many strange faces, and I asked my mother to send them away. The request felt light on my tongue but the reaction of it amused me, how easy to offend them. As if I had no right to demand privacy at my own wedding. Zoya, dutifully remained by my side, and even Divya stood by the door, unwilling to move and I managed a small smile. She stepped back into the room and as soon as the door closed, it opened again. My father barged in with words ready on his sleeve.
"Have you gone mad? What happ—take her back there."
Without any further word, he made a sharp turn to head back and I was surprised to hear my voice, so steady and loud, my father paused mid-step like he could not believe he had heard me asking him to wait. If it annoyed him, he didn't show it and the strong features of his face filled me with a strange calmness. Shifa had vacated the room with the rest of the useless, unknown crowd but her face remained in front of my eyes. I noticed my mother advancing toward me and on instinct, I stepped a foot away, clutching my lehnga between my fists. Zoya's face was twisted in fear and for a moment, in the spurt of courage rush, I smiled at her and watched her attempting to mirror it and failing miserably.
"I don't want to do this, abbu."
He nodded, and the side of his jaw moved, "Do what?"
I knew he understood what I had meant but Zoya's warning rang close in my ear, that was my last chance. I didn't want to run. I never wanted to see Shifa dressed by her mother.
"Marry. I don't want to get married."
Again, he nodded, his jaw working and at last, he trailed out a small, I see.
Ummi clenched my arm in her hand, her fear clawing at her fingers, and she uttered something, to abbu but I couldn't hear it. A sharp, thin noise bounced in my ears and settled low, dulled by my heartbeat. I didn't avert my gaze, didn't look down and apologize. I couldn't. I had thought I could do it, get married to Wahab and make everyone happy but seeing him in person, behind the curtain with a smile so huge it must have hurt his face, the memories of him not touching the topic of my studies needled on my body. The memory of him raging and ordering me to not make friends flashed with pins on edges. And then, there was Shifa. I just couldn't.
"Then what do you want?"
My mother's voice tried to cover mine, again, "No. It's fine. She is just nervo—"
"I want to continue my studies."
After I said it, the words echoed, and my father's heavy gaze weighed down on me. I tried my best not to squirm under it and in the middle of that, Zoya's hand grabbed mine and gave a light squeeze. The silence didn't last for long and my ummi cried out.
"Adia! Have some shame! See, this is why I didn't want her to go to—see? This is what happens."
Abbu hadn't looked away and I thought perhaps, I had crossed the line. Of course, I had but why the silence. Why hadn't he screamed like ummi? I had expected a slap on the face and being dragged out of the house but not this—this silence. That wasn't on the list of things that would go wrong. I almost opened my mouth, to say what, I didn't know but it felt important to say something. But before a word could fall out of my mouth, he spoke. In a calm and grounding voice like I hadn't just contradicted his whole plan for me.
"Alright."
I repeated, "Alright?"
Ummi was on his side in a blink of an eye and Zoya's hand squeezed tighter, and I had to wriggle my fingers for her to loosen her grip. The words failed me, and I just stared at my father. He didn't look away either but when ummi leaned into his ear, he threw a lazy glance at her and then turned back to me. I couldn't blame her. She was scared her daughter would die on her wedding day.
"You want to continue your studies and there's no boy in the picture?"
I opened my mouth and closed it when nothing made sense. There was a girl but I doubted he would understand. Ummi's eyes had widened to resemble saucers, but I paid her no mind. I couldn't. My mind was a muddle. Abbu didn't strike me or threaten to kill me. He had simply said alright. What did it mean?
"Well, I would have appreciated it if you'd told me sooner. We could have saved a lot of money."
I waited a beat. Ummi, beside abbu stared at him and without thinking it over said, "You're not going to—you... you're not mad?"
"No."
I made no attempt to stop myself from walking toward him, leaving Zoya to stand there on her own when I wasn't sure what abbu meant. Why wasn't he reacting the way I had always imagined? No threats to cut me in pieces.
"Why? I- ummi?"
Ummi didn't say anything but abbu did and I listened with glistening eyes and a thumping heart.
"Adia. You're my daughter and your happiness matter the most here. I'll call off the wedding."
I avoided my mother's eyes and in the sheer glee, threw my hands around him. Abbu stiffened but within a second, his hands patted my back lightly and the hesitance of his action just made me tighten my hold on him, somewhere behind me I heard Zoya laughing, her voice breaking in between, the nervousness visible too starkly but the laughter didn't stop, and I couldn't force myself to not feel the lightness of the air. I laughed, too.
'''
Shifa waited for me to climb the stairs and took the small duffel bag from my hand, disappearing behind the compartment and I followed her path. Carefully holding the box of snacks in my hand and joined her at the double seat window. After setting down the box, I made my way outside the train at the station and ummi smiled her usual smile, bordering on panic that I was leaving again all on my own. She had come to my room last night and for the first time, I didn't feel pressured to indulge her. I wanted her there with me, talking and telling me stories of her own youth, all the same details I had listened to multiple times before. Then she told me how unhappy Wahab's family was and how uncaring my own father was. My cheeks had hurt from smiling. I hadn't told her everything, all the reasons for my sudden refusal to marry Wahab and she hadn't asked. Thank Allah, she didn't because I wasn't sure if I could have lied. They were looking for a boy in the picture. There simply was no boy.
Shifa had emailed me my returning ticket the very night of the cancelled wedding and I chose to act oblivious to the dates. I didn't ask her if she had booked my ticket when she did hers. If she had an inkling of my decision, if she knew I wouldn't marry her cousin before I did. There was a strange feeling to it all and I wanted it to be just mine.
Ummi had packed more than five boxes full of leftover food from the wedding and I refused to take more than two, though Shifa had tried to persuade me to take all of them back with us.
"You take care, okay and call as soon as you reach the station."
For the first time, I didn't shy away from reaching out to hug her and her arms wrapped around me in an instant, the same hesitance as my father's lingering and when I drew back, her eyes were suspiciously glossy, and she said something under breath before coming to adjust my hijab.
"You better go in now. Your ummi might keep you here forever."
Ummi laughed and shook her head at abbu and before I started crying, I turned and walked toward the train. Shifa sat with her phone in her hand and when I plopped down beside her, she placed the phone on her lap and turned her torso to face me. Her lips were dry and eyes swollen around the corners-- it felt like a crime to ask her about it, so I did not. I trusted her to tell me when she wanted to. When she felt she could. She was never going to return; she had told me that much when I asked about her family. It hurt a bit when she refused to share anything more than that, but I reminded myself that there was time, and I could earn her complete trust.
The train started moving with a sudden jolt and I stared out the window to find my parents still standing by the tea stall. I raised my hand in a wave and neither of them returned the gesture, the thought of them actually waving made me chuckle. I watched them get smaller and smaller and then disappear from my sight completely, the green trees and grass taking their place outside.
"I am craving some tea."
"I am not drinking train's tea."
Shifa laughed and shook her head. I didn't protest when she took hold of my fingers and curled her palm over them. Her hands were warm over my cold ones and I swallowed down the urge to bring them to my face. My friends had left the next day of the wedding, all too happy for the wedding to be cancelled and I would be seeing them again. The thought urged me to lean on Shifa and she just snaked her hand around my shoulder, and I let my head drop on her shoulder. Finally.
"I am not going to marry your cousin; would you kiss me now?"
Upon hearing my question, her fingers drummed against my arm, and she made a thoughtful face. I slapped her arm away and made a fake attempt to get away from her, she pulled me back with a grin, "Of course. If you want, we can do more than just kissing."
My ears warmed and I had to hide my face in the crook of her neck, "No. Just kissing is fine for now."