I snapped out of my haze, to find myself in a comfortable velvet chair in some room I didn't recognize.
What I did recognize however, were two piercing green eyes, looking at me with flicks of worry. His troubled gaze replaced his usual playful grin, though I couldn't help but notice that even without his grin and the small dimples in his cheeks that accompanied it, he still looked pleasing to the eye. His brown, wavy hair was ruffled out of his face, messier than usual. His matching, full eyebrows supported some frowns on his forehead, translating once again the worrisome attitude he now held.
"Are you okay, Sari?" Jerr asked. That same worry could be found in his voice.
I quickly nodded my head, not being able to speak. As I looked around the room, it didn't take me very long to realize I was in Jerr's private chambers. He was seated in a velvet chair opposite me, and in front of the chairs stood a small, glass table. On the other side of the room, a big bed was positioned, with wooden pillars stationed on each corner. Some curtains hung from the wooden frame, although they were open, giving me a full view of the bed.
Just like the other rooms I'd seen so far, Jerr's also had a big, wooden desk. Piles of paper topped his desk, a sign of the busy duties that came with the Beta position. There were two additional doors, one on each side of the room. I guessed one of them led to his bathroom, but I had no idea where the other one went.
His chambers were immense. Everything seemed too big for just one man. The bed, the couch that stood on the other side of the room, even the desk was disproportionately large. That had to be one of the perks of his title.
"Are you sure?" He asked again.
I nodded again. "Yes," I spoke quietly. I had trouble getting the word out.
"I can't imagine what tonight must have been like for you," he spoke, looking at me with gentle, expecting eyes.
I'd been foolish to try to hide my true feelings from a Wise Moon. "I can't either," I exhaled. My breath was shaky, but other than that, my lungs weren't abandoning me in a panicked rage.
Jerr got up and fetched a glass of water for me. As soon as I took a sip, I noticed how dry my throat felt. "Do you want to talk about it?"
I shrugged. "Can't you just look into my thoughts and figure it out?"
"No," he answered.
I felt some guilt pop up at the way I just snapped at him, even if it wasn't entirely unjustified. "I'm sorry," I sighed.
"You don't have anything you should apologize for," he reassured me.
We stayed quiet for a short while. But the silence didn't feel wrong. It felt light, even. There was room in this silence for us, for me. "He really is dead," I breathed, still not quite feeling Dexter's absence.
"He is, Sari," Jerr confirmed. "He won't be able to touch you or anyone else, ever again."
I nodded as I bit on my upper lip, trying to keep my tears at bay. Even if I did feel numb, my eyes never seemed to dry out. "It was so strange," I admitted. "That man.. He wasn't Dexter. Don't get me wrong, he was. But he wasn't. His voice was still unmistakably his, but everything else? It just wasn't."
Jerr nodded in affirmation. "I know."
"Maybe that's why I'm having trouble grasping he's actually dead. I didn't see him die." I drew in another shaky breath as one tear escaped from the corner of my eye. "I've never seen him afraid. And yesterday and tonight, he was petrified. Of Aven. I'd never seen him like that. He was just a broken shell of what he once was."
"He had good reason to fear Aven and I."
I look at him questioningly.
"We had our fun with him," Jerr said. "After I got all the information out of his mind that was useful, of course. We spent hours digging in his mind and then doing to him what he did to others. Or what he wanted to do. We became him while he grew into his own victim, and that is one of the most fearful things for someone like Dexter."
"You tortured him as well?" I wasn't sure what to think of that.
"Yes," he answered, almost apologetically. "At first, I was only instructing Aven on all the things I'd see in his mind. But then I saw some of the things he did to you. And it didn't feel right to have someone like Aven, someone who doesn't even care about you, avenge you."
However odd it was for me to admit it, in some way it felt honorable. "Thank you," I whispered. "You did to him what he did to others?"
Jerr nodded. "Believe it or not, we rarely torture people in Death Moon." I raised my eyebrows at that statement, having trouble recognizing the truth in it. "We don't," Jerr repeated. "Death sentences, yes. An occasional fight with our prisoners, yes. But torture like we did to Dexter? We save that for the worst."
"Dexter sure is one of those." A small, breathy laugh escaped my lips, though I failed to see the humor of it.
"He was," Jerr corrected me. "But yes, he definitely was. Which is also why neither Aven or I had any guilt about what we were doing to him. It felt right, however wrong torture can be."
I looked up at him. "Was he involved in Willis' death?"
Jerr leaned back in his chair a bit before answering. "Not directly, no. He helped Beckett plan it out. But we learned that Beckett has become a bit paranoid about the information he trusts with others. The spies, for example, directly answer to him. Unfortunately for us, that meant that through Dexter, we didn't get any additional intel on Beckett's spy network in Rahas. But because of that, I also couldn't find a lot of Dexter's involvement in Willis' death, other than the general preparations the days before."
I hadn't seen Dexter or Beckett in Spitta in the days leading up to my Ascension. Were they busying themselves with plotting to kill an innocent child? They probably were. And somehow, that left me feeling guilty towards Willis. If they'd been busy with tormenting me for those last few days, perhaps Willis would now still be alive. And I'd had the audacity to feel grateful for the peace and quiet in those last days. But I should've known that couldn't mean anything good. I should have known. And I should've thought about it at the Castle, warned Aven. Maybe Willis would have still been alive. Maybe-
"Sari, stop," Jerr interrupted my train of thoughts. "Willis' death was in no way your fault."
"I knew Beckett and Dexter," I said with a trembling voice. "I should have known they were up to something. Especially when I left Fire Moon on my Ascension, I knew that angered Beckett. I knew it the second I chose Aven over him. And I knew he would lash out somehow. I should have thought about it, I should have warned you or Aven, I should-"
"Even if you would have, it wouldn't have changed anything," Jerr countered. "Beckett didn't plan on you joining Death Moon. What he had planned to do to Willis, he had figured out how to do with me and Aven arriving there on time, without being slowed down. It wouldn't have changed anything."
"You can't know that," I shot back at him. He couldn't talk me out of this guilt.
"Neither can you," he said, his voice soft and gentle. "Sari, you can't put that blame on yourself."
I simply made an affirmative noise, having yet again lost the ability to talk. Jerr knew as well as I that I did blame myself. Even if Willis would've still been killed, his torture would have been less grave if I hadn't angered Beckett. There was no denying that. And if, no, when the rest of the pack would find out, they'd have even more reason to hate me. I would never fit in here, not with the past I carry with me.
But I couldn't let my thoughts spin out of control, I reminded myself. Not with a Wise Moon wolf in my proximity, who had an affinity of following along in my mind. I didn't want him to see the darkest parts of me. I didn't want anyone to see them. So, I just asked the first question that popped in my mind. "Did you at least get any valuable information out of him?"
Jerr hesitantly shrugged his shoulders, not pushing our previous conversation any further. "Not really, no. We learned some new things of course, but nothing we didn't already anticipate Beckett would do."
I carefully asked my next question, still debating if I wanted to hear its answer. "Do you think he'll retaliate against us?"
Jerr thought about it for a short while before he answered. "I'd be surprised if he wouldn't. But we're prepared. His network of spies is crumbling, and Aven isn't leaving, so we're safe here. For the time being at least. War will always have a steep price to pay."
"Why would Aven leave?" I asked, a bit taken aback at why he'd even specify that Aven wasn't planning on going away.
"No particular reason," he said, waving his hand in the air as if it was a thought he could merely chase away with a flick of his hand. "I just thought it might reassure you, knowing that Aven will be here in Rahas. His powers intimidate the other Alphas, you know. That includes Beckett. He won't try to just do something, not when Aven is so vigilant now."
I didn't know if I found that comforting. Jerr had just said it himself - Aven did not care for me. So why would he be bothered to keep me safe from Beckett?
I sensed my eyes growing heavy, the tiredness of the evening finally catching up to me. I wanted to go to my own room, I realized. Even though I knew I wouldn't sleep.
"I should make my way down again," I finally said.
"Are you sure you are feeling well enough?" He asked, concerned.
"I am," I nodded as I calmly made my way out. "Thank you," I whispered as I closed the door behind me and made my way down to my room. I didn't give myself the time to listen to Jerr's response.
Once I arrived and I was sure I was alone, I let myself fully break down. I wondered if Jerr had sensed my last lie. Because in no aspect of the words, was I feeling well.