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Tw: Mentions of drug usage, violence, and anxiety/panic attacks.
"You showed me a power that is strong еnough to bring sun to the darkest days."
|T H I R D P E R S O N|{UNEDITED}
Hi Delilah,
I have been dreading writing this for the last 9 months. I just couldn't get myself to think that this would probably be the last time I would be talking to you.
I think I am ready to do this. I don't know if you will read this or not but I am going to write this like I am talking to you. Just to give myself a closure that maybe, maybe one day we will talk again.
I really hope we talk again, even if it's just you insulting me. I really don't mind, just let me hear you talk to me for the last time, please.
Anyways, how do I start this journal shit? Here we go.
I started taking drugs, it was only once at a party and I overdosed. You probably wouldn't have heard of it because only my mother and your dad knew about it. And I know your father doesn't talk about me. Why will he? I ruined his daughter's life.
The overdose happened some weeks after you left me, and I was in the hospital for about 2 weeks. I still had to go to appointments so that they make sure I am still sober.
I am 8 months sober now. No alcohol, no drugs- absolutely nothing. It didn't feel that hard because I barely used to touch alcohol earlier but after you left me, it felt like being alive was difficult.
And for the first time, when I saw myself wrapped up in wires and machines beeping near my head, I felt like I was my father. I felt like a fucking failure.
And when I heard my mother, who was newly pregnant at that time, holding my hand and begging for me to not leave her alone, that was when I finally felt alive.
I knew at that time that no matter what happens I have to live, I can't risk my life just like that again. I had to live for my mother, my unborn sibling, and for you.
The drugs killed me and then brought me back to life. Because if I wouldn't have taken the drugs at that time, then I would have jumped off the roof and be gone forever. Because that was the original plan- to kill myself.
And today I am so glad that I didn't do it, because I wouldn't be here writing this stupid letter to you and telling you how much I miss you.
I know you didn't eat the chocolates that I sent you after I came back from the hospital and I definitely know you that you told your father to burn the little notes that I attached with them.
I have used almost all of my money to give you a packet of Ferrero Rocher every single day for the past 8 months. But now I am going to stop.
I am finally going to stop chasing you now.
But that doesn't mean that I can stop loving you, I don't think I can ever stop loving you.
I don't think I have said this enough times, but I really love you, Delilah.
I am living but I don't feel alive without you. You were the only reason I was happy and now it sometimes feels like I can't breathe.
I am not going to beg you, Delilah, because I know you deserve someone better than me, but please give me a chance to love you once again if we meet again in this lifetime.
Doesn't matter if it's 6,7 or even 20 years later- I don't think I am ever going to stop loving you.
And if a 24-year-old Maxwell ever says that he isn't in love with you when we meet again, please slap him and bring him back to his senses.
My mom tells me to start praying to God whenever I feel like I have no one to talk to. I have seen her doing that. But I don't think I can believe in God again.
Where was my god when I was getting raped? Where was my god when I was in the hospital fighting for my life? If we are all children of God, then shouldn't he treat of all us equally? Why am I getting tortured then? And why is he not helping me?
I don't think I will ever thank God for anything. I didn't ask for this pain and I didn't ask for this life. Yet I am here in this world suffering.
My mom says that praying decreases the burden of your heart, and maybe it's true because recently she has been looking quite happy. She is the only person that's keeping me going.
I love her so much. I don't think I say it often to her though, maybe because I have always been told that boys aren't supposed to show emotions. Bullshit.
Why can I not tell her that I love her when she was the only person who hugged me and told me that I am alright, that I am enough when I felt like the whole world was falling apart? She was the only person that was there for me after you left me damaged.
She has recently been having so many mood swings because my unborn sibling is ready to pop out literally any day.I am also trying to cook a lot of dishes so that she doesn't stay in the kitchen for too long. For some reason, she doesn't want to eat what the housekeepers make, but its okay because I think I am really enjoying cooking for her. It would have been so nice if you were here, you definitely would have been much better at taking care of her than me.
I sometimes do think that she loves you more than she loves me. I definitely don't blame her because how can someone not love you?
You are just so fucking lovable.
And I still could not love you enough to make you stay.
But no I definitely understand where you are coming from, of course, why would anyone want to see the guy that basically lied to you about your entire life. If I was in your position I would do the same trust me.
I am not really doing a good job at convincing you to take me back, am I...
Alright, I think I might just end this although I really don't feel like it.
I want to talk to you, I want to hug you and I want to kiss you, even if it's for the last time.
I want to hear you laugh at my joke or smile at me from across the classroom.
I want you to give me that weird thumbs-up sign whenever I go in front of an audience. I might act like it's weird, but trust me it makes my day.
I want to lay my head in your lap and read to you again.
I want to dance with you on weird pop songs in the night again.
I want to sneak into your house at midnight and stay there until morning just cuddling you. After sleeping next to you for so long, how am I supposed to be okay with sleeping alone again?
I can't believe that everything is changing, I don't want everything to change.
I want you, Delilah. So, so much, I need you to be here with me.
I want you to wear the promise ring I gave you. It's been 9 months since you threw it at me and I still can't get myself to remove it from my finger and throw it away.
The day I throw the ring away will be the day I move on from you. And I don't think that's anytime soon.
I am going to try to move on, but my love- if you think that you can give this lunatic lover of yours another chance, then please fucking do.
I will always love you, my love.
Your Maxwell.
◦◦,'°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°',◦◦
Long shadows were formed on the ground by the setting sun. The setting sun's slanting rays tinted the sky a warm orange. Tiny dust specks seemed to dance in the slanted light of the sunset sky through the window. Birds chirped in the distance as silence descended on the Knight Mansion.
The couple didn't know how the beautiful afternoon turned into a sorrowful evening. How happy they both were when Delilah made Richard speechless and when she hugged her husband, telling him that it's alright now, it's finally alright now.
They both were very aware of the fact that Richard would never sit quietly after the dangerous yet very needed step that Delilah pulled. But they didn't know that he would react this fast.
Enzo, Delilah's father had called her a few minutes ago, informing them that their mafia base has been attacked by an unknown team and three guards of the French Mafia were heavily injured and were rushed to the hospital.
Delilah cursed herself yet in her mind, how could she be so fucking stupid to tell that she would fight for Maxwell on a call that got recorded by both of the mafias?
This will cause so much of fucking chaos in the mafia world. As if, the merging of the Russian and the French Mafia after that betrayal that occurred 6 years ago didn't already cause havoc in the mafia world- now suddenly Delilah, one of the best mafia lawyers saying that she will fight for Maxwell, the husband she "hated" was just cherry on top in their situation.
She glanced at Maxwell who was leaning his head on the wall, still seated on the floor as he looked at everything and nothing. She knew what this look meant, it was as if he was lost in his own thoughts. She waited for him to say something, anything because she couldn't get herself to break this awkward and dreadful silence.
She knew she had made a mistake by carelessly announcing that she would fight for him, but it was just her protective instincts that made her do it. She has never been this careless before and she knew exactly how to manipulate a person to her benefit, but what happened suddenly?
She knew exactly at that moment that she had gone weak, just because of her handsome husband that was sitting across the room. She couldn't understand the look on his face, was he angry? disappointed? sad?
After what felt like a fucking eternity, he took a slow sigh and spoke "Delilah."
The tone of his voice made the hair at the back of Delilah's neck stand and her eyes widen a little before she fixed herself and looked at him. And oh god, she wished she had never looked at him.
His face was guarded and his voice came out cold, nothing that Delilah has ever experienced before, at least not from him.
She nodded a little in acknowledgment and waited for him to continue.
He shook his head a little and murmured something which was too low for her to hear, then looked into her eyes and said "Get out,"
Her eyes widen at his tone, confusion swirling in them. What did he just say? She bit back an angry reply and asked "Excuse me?"
Maxwell held his head in his hands and cursed himself for his tone, then straightened a little and explained 'I- It's not safe here, Delilah. You can't stay here."
She shook her head at his logic. Isn't he, her husband and isn't he supposed to "protect" her or something? Instead of taking responsibility for his wife and "protecting' her, he is sending her away? Not like she needs his protection anyways, but it would be nice if once offered.
"I will stay with my parents then, I am not living in my old house again- it will take too much of time to clean it" she lied through her teeth, saying the most unreasonable excuse she could think of. The truth is, after living with Maxwell in the same house and being aware of a presence being near you all the fucking time, she doesn't think that she can live alone again.
He beamed at her with a small smile on his face, rubbing his neck nervously as he said "Sure, yeah that would be... fine I guess."
"And where would you stay?" she questioned him gently, getting up from her seat and going to their open kitchen, to serve herself a glass of water.
He leaned his head back on the wall and closed his eyes briefly before speaking "Me? Of course, I will stay here."
Delilah went near him, who was still situated on the floor, and gently tapped the side of his head, making him open his eyes slowly. She passed him a plate of Pizza and kept a glass of water on the side table next to him.
She then went back to the kitchen and got herself a plate of the same dish too and was going to sit on one of the chairs, when Maxwell patted her leg making her look at him.
"Come sit here," he patted the empty spot next to him on the floor.
Delilah cringed and said, "No, thanks- my white pants will get dirty."
Maxwell frowned and tried yet again "Please, just for a while?". Delilah felt her heart weakening at the sight of him being so gentle.
She moved at sat next to him on the floor, their legs touching as they wordlessly ate their pizza.
"What did you say about where you were going to live? I didn't hear you from the kitchen," she inquired, swallowing a bite of Pizza.
He shrugged and lifted one of his shoulders "Where else would I go? I am staying here of course."
Her eyes widened and she spoke, "Why the fuck will you stay here?"
His voice was tinged with confusion as he asked again, "Why should I not stay here?"
She looked at him as if he had gone mad or something "It's not safe here, Maxwell. I am not letting you stay here." She announced, her voice dripping with command.
He let out a scoff and tried explaining "Delilah, It's not safe for you here, I am perfectly alright. Don't worry- I will handle everything here."
She gritted her teeth in frustration, why does he desperately want her to be unaware of everything that he has been struggling through? He has done this before and he is doing it yet again.
"Handle everything? Just how you handled everything 6 years ago? By keeping it a secret? That seems to be the only thing you are good at, Maxwell." she spoke before she could even register the meaning of her words in her head.
He was stunned for a while and then he took a deep breath, hurt swirling in his eyes as he looked away from her face. Her hand unknowingly reached to his jaw, slowly caressing it and making him face her.
"My father was going to be killed, I-I was going to kill him, for you, for us," he said deeply looking into her eyes.
"He has tortured us for god knows how long so I-I just wanted to end it and trust me I was going to do it. But I had to still pretend like we were gonna kidnap and kill you so that it seems like I was being an obedient child." he angrily confessed, as if remembering the past.
"I was actually supposed to kidnap you the night you turn 18 and that was supposed to be the night we were supposed to kill him. I had it all planned. But at the end moment, Richard had to fucking fly to Italy for some meeting- so it wasn't possible," he explained, desperateness visible in his voice.
"The night you found out about the assassination contract was supposed to be the night that Richard dies. Everything was thoroughly planned, and we even told your father about it so that he can assist us in this mission." he disclosed quietly while her eyes widened.
"But then you saw the assassination contract and kicked me out of the house." he sighed, his voice tight.
"And then you didn't even let me explain, Delilah" he croaked out trying his best not to shed the tears that he has been holding in.
"How could you think that I betrayed you Del? I- I know its wrong of me to say anything bad about you because I had gotten close to you for a reason, but even a blind person could make out how madly I was in love with you" he looked away wiping his tears as her hand left his jaw.
"Max," she breathed out, her voice shaking as she held both of his hands in her.
"No, please Del don't say anything mean right now. I won't be able to take it right now, please." he held her hands desperately, clinging onto them as if his life depended on it with a few tears streaming down his face.
"I am so fucking proud of you. So, so fucking proud of you Maxwell. You did so good, baby." she praised, her hands shaking as he held them tighter.
His eyes widened and he looked up, surprised to see tears streaming down her face but she had a smile on her face, the same kind of smile that she had when they first met at the age of 13.
He felt his throat clog and his heartbeat way too loudly for him to even speak, as he whispered closing his eyes "Can you say it again?"
"I am so proud of you, my love. You are so fucking strong, baby." she praised him yet again making his heart warm and his eyes fill with fresh tears again.
And that was his final breaking point. He buried his head in her hands and cried, finally cried of relief, of happiness- he didn't know. It was as if like he could now finally breathe, after 6 whole fucking years. He could breathe.
"Max," Delilah spoke gently making him look up from her lap. "I- You do understand that I still need a little time to adjust right? Like I know the truth but I have spent the past 6 years hating you so I need a little time.." She spoke nervously, she wasn't ready to be with him again, after all these years of hating him with everything in her- she didn't know how to erase those bad memories so suddenly.
He smiled gently at her and taking both of her hands in his, he kissed them softly making her breath hitch in her throat.
"Of course, Delilah. Take as long as you want, I will always be here," he assured her, kissing her hands one more time.
She felt her cheeks heat up and she tried to remove her hands from his, but he held them tighter and kept them on his lap.
She kept looking at him while he kept pulling her closer making her body fully face his, he teasingly whispered, a dimple appearing on his face "Isn't this usually the scene in books where they kiss?"
She narrowed her eyes at him and in a swift motion got her hands out of his hold and pinched his cheeks, making him groan and swat her hands away.
"Don't get too ahead of yourself, Maxwell. You still have a long way to go before you can kiss me again."
HII MY CUTE READERS, HOW WAS THE UPDATE??
YALL NEED TO VOTE FASTER BECAUSE I WANNA WRITE MORE AND PUBLISH. ANYWAYS, MY SCHOOL STARTS ON WEDNESDAY SO I DON'T KNOW WHEN THE NEXT UPDATE WILL BE.
ALSO, IF U DIDN'T SEE THE LAST UPDATE, I PUBLISHED A NEW BOOK CALLED "BA-DASTOOR" IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED :)
Also, it's literally 5:40 AM and I haven't checked the chapter even once so please ignore the mistakes.
Until next time,
-alishba