"What do you want to do for the rest of the day?" I thread my fingers through my damp hair.
After a little talk with Johnny, I went to the bathroom again to relieve myself—or to bluntly say it, I masturbated. Of course, I wouldn't go around with a boner and although I tried to calm myself, it really didn't soften.
After I showered, I asked Donghyuck to do one for himself as well so he could wear proper clothes instead of being half-naked. He followed me nonetheless and now he's with me, safe from my indecent thoughts.
"Play." He answers while watching me dry hair. "Can you dwy my hair too, pwease?"
"Can't you do it yourself?"
"Mommy does it for me." He said which reminded me of what he also said yesterday night. "Please?"
"Fine, fine…" I roll my eyes at him and dried my hair fast so I could do it for him too. Once I'm dry, I turn his body towards mine.
While turning on the hairdryer, I also brushed his hair using my fingers. I've already done this a couple million times for Renjun before and what I'm doing right now brought back memories. It did remind me of the butterflies that I often feel whenever I do this for Renjun.
"Why aw you sad?" Hachie helped me snap out of trance. I look at him and slowly shook my head.
"It's nothing…" A stranger doesn't have to know.
"Aw…" His soft giggles welcomed me. "I-It tickles Malk. Twickles—"
His giggles went on because I pressed it closer to his neck. He pushed me off but I was holding unto him firmly. His reaction gave me a small smile.
"Tickles… Stop…" He pants out and smiles. "N-No more, please?"
"Whatever." I scoff and turn it off because at some point of our crazy playtime, his hair dried. I placed it back where it's supposed to be and lifted myself off the chair which earned a tug from Haechie. "You need something else?"
"Let's pway…" He says. "Uhm… I want to play Malk."
"I don't have time to play." Even though I have all the time in the world to do something else. I'm in my fucking 20's, why would I play?
"I want cars… broom broom." His hands slowly removed itself from mine. I saw his lips form a pout and his eyes got bigger. "Let's play!"
"No." I huff, going back to my bed and planning to stay there for the rest of the day. I haven't even had breakfast yet and I'm already starting to get lazy.
Placing my arms below my head, I heard a small sob. That made me whip my head fast to Haechie who's still on the chair. His sobs got louder every second that passes by and worries filled my body that I don't know I have for someone else other than Renjun.
"What the— Oh my god… Why are you crying?"
"Y-You won't pway with me." A loud yell was what I earned. I even recieved a small kick which made me yelp in pain as he continues to throw tantrums.
Fuck. Why am I taking care of him again?
"Pway with me!" He commands with a long pout. "Play! I want to play!"
"Fine, fine, fine…" Fuck. I hold his arms that were giving off punches and tried to calm him down. "I'll play with you. Okay? Stop it, please? It hurts."
"Huwts?" He tilted his head as he slowly bit his lips. Adorable. "Are you huwt?"
"Y-Yeah…" I said mindlessly because I felt like I was trapped in some kind of a magic that I can't get my thoughts and eyes off his pretty lips and adorable face. "I'm huwt."
"Where is huwt?" He asks kindly and his eyes were crying no more. "Baby is sowwy, Malk. I'm sowwy…"
"I'm hurt." I laugh happily. "Here…" Then pointed at my stomach.
What caught me off guard is how he kissed it in an instant. My breath hitched and I immediately took a distance backwards. He looks so lost with what I did though.
"Are you huwt somewhere ewse?" He hums. I immediately shook my head as a no and cleared my throat.
Fuck.
"Are we going to pway now?" He smiles genuinely, literally like how a kid would when they're told that they're finally allowed to play or if they're given candies.
"Yes." I avert my gaze somewhere else and went out of my bedroom.
I don't even know why I said yes when I know my house is nothing but alcohol and cigarettes. I have no such thing like cars and toys. I'm not even sure if I still have decent things here in this place.
"Your house is dirty." He says the moment he followed me.
"Wow. Thanks. That was unnoticeable." I roll my eyes.
"Where are toys?" He asks. "I want to pway cars today, okay? I want lots of cars. Oh! Truck! Truck! Truck!"
"The thing is…" I sigh. "I don't have toys."
"What?" His eyes glimmer. "Where are my toys then?"
"Look, this isn't your house. I don't know exactly where yours are and even if I did, you don't have anyone with you there. Johnny hyung hasn't reached Korea yet."
He pouts. "Why?"
"What, why?" I groan.
"I want toys…"
"I don't have—"
"Please?" He reaches for my waist. "Malk…"
Dang…
He smells nice. I mean, he used my shampoo and body wash so I'm pretty certain he smells like me but it hits different. The feeling reminded me of Renjun and how he hated my body wash because it wasn't aloe vera which he likes, but cocoa butter.
I miss Renjun.
"Wow… Hug… I wuv hugs…" He says in my ears and the feeling made my heart flutter. I'm close to believing that this is Renjun and not some stranger.
I love you so much.
"Cuddles… Wow…"
I snapped. I realized it's Haechie—the baby. I sniffle and slowly remove my arms off of him even though all I really want right now is imagine this is Renjun who'd kiss me, hug me in return and tell me sweet words.
"You're crying." He pointed out and crossed his palms below my eyes, wiping the tears off. "Are you huwt?"
Damned is the right word to say. I am damned. How can I even start getting over Renjun if everything reminds me of him? Even in this situation wherein I'm with someone who's completely different from him, still reminds me of him? Fuck!
"I won't ask you to pway anymore." He pouted. "Don't cry…"
"I'm not." I scoff, pulling his hands off my face and placing it down. "Aren't you hungry?"
His stomach growled like it was programmed to do so and he laughed happily, like an angel. He looks pretty.
"Yes. I want food!"
"Let's go."
🧸
I've never been this regretful my whole life. It was such a bad move to say yes to Haechie, believe me. I am both drained physically and emotionally.
We went to the mall right after I called Johnny to let him know his brother wants toys. He said yes and sent me buckets of money on my back account, which I'm quite grateful for because I don't have to spend money on stranger.
But I felt like I should've asked for more considering that what I took care of is a person whose age is 21 but acts like six.
He saw a toy car car, we bought it. He saw another one in the next store, we bought it again. When he saw a real car on display, he wanted it, fuck. We weren't supposed to buy real car!
He threw tantrums. He even sat on the floor, cried his heart out and he kicks me whenever I started to reach out for his arms. I got embarrassed, of course. Who wouldn't? This is an adult man who threw tantrums just because I didn't bough him a real car!
I only tricked him into eating lunch when I told him that we'll buy it when Johnny hyung gets home. He smiled again and immediately went with me. God, I was so close to snapping right at that moment. I could've lashed out at him or worse—leave him.
What made me calm down? His hopeful eyes when I said we will buy it the next day. His adorable smile. His soft and warm hug right after.
I wouldn't really blame myself for being mad at him but I realized how unfair it is: that my anger just melted because he looked at me with his big doe eyes.
Right now, we reached home and he's cuddled into me. He got tired for running all day and playing with the cars that we bought, that he hasn't even taken dinner yet. I wanted to wake him up but he looks peaceful right now so I wouldn't.
I'm spooning him while he's snuggling his face into my shoulders. Haechie's arms that were wrapped in my nape fell and it stayed on his stomach. His mouth fell open and I've never found it so pretty as much as it does now. He is pretty, I'd say. And I totally don't mean anything by that.
Even though it was tiring and I regretted bringing him with me in the mall, I realized it was so much better than being in this small space, thinking about Renjun and what made our relationship end. It was so much better that having to overthink about things again. Haechie filled my mind and it wasn't the usual thoughts like Renjun and breakup anymore. It was quite therapeutic.
"M-Mommy…" Haechie whispers, his hands uncontrollably clutched my shirt as he repeats what he said. "Pwease?"
"I-I'm not mommy…" I laugh silently and stare at him.
"Hmmm…" He furrows his eyebrows and slowly stretched his feet. Right at that moment, I knew he'd be awake so I hold him comfortably to keep him from falling.
"M-Malk?" He asked, confused about his state. He looked around and collapsed back into my arms.
"Hmmm?"
"Mowning hug, pwease?"
God… He's so fucking… adorable!
"It's not morning anymore, Haechie." I said, teasing him but all I really did was give him the hug that he asked for. "How was your nap?"
"Where's cars?" He asks silently. His arms wrapped themselves around me again.
"It's on the carpet. You played with it earlier didn't you?" I whispered on his ears.
"The big car?"
I roll my eyes and scoff. "We didn't buy it remember?"
"Y-Yes…" He groans, making my skin feel his small breath. He clutched hard on my nape and a moment later, he started having unusual breath releases.
"Are you okay?" I got worried. I adjust him to see me and in one snap, his eyes darkened. I panicked over the sudden change of mood, until he started crying but this time, it isn't about anything.
Fuck.
"Are you okay?"
He lets go of me, raise his body off my lap and searched for something I don't know. He is shivering, from his hands to his heels. I don't know why he's like this but I know it's scary.
"Hey…" I tug him but he ran to the corner of my living room, behind my television and covered himself using his arms.
"Haechie?" My heart started beating fast in worry. I pick his arms up but he tugs it back forcefully. He didn't even look at me anymore.
"Hey… What happened?"
He refuses to answer me until the end. I did everything just to get one but I failed. And this is when I knew I had to ask for help.