"No, I don't believe you."
I shrugged at him and chuckled. Sabi ko na nga ba.
"Okay," I said and pouted under my mask. "Kapag nga miski oras ng pagkain at pinapalitan ko pa ang maskara ko na aabot lamang hanggang sa ilong ko para makakain ako. Sa tingin mo, pahihirapan ko ang sarili ko para sa isang walang kuwentang bagay?"
He glanced at me for a while before he looked away and laughed with amusement. He really don't believe me, it's fucking obvious.
"What are you, a fairy?" humalakhak siya. "I need an evidence. Huwag ka sanang magalit at isipin mong wala akong tiwala sa'yo but this case is not funny anymore! You just said you accidentally killed your relatives, Jesus Christ."
"Yeah," I sighed. "I don't need to give you proofs. Hindi kita pipilitin kung ayaw mong maniwala." sabi ko na kinalingon niya sa akin.
He just shrugged while chuckling, hindi talaga naniniwala at maya't maya ang iling. Well, I'm not forcing anyone to believe me. It's actually expected that he won't believe me, all what I've said are all unbelievable!
The image of my innocent cousin on my mind was still there. She was just seventeen…
Her and her sister was mad at me and jealous of me for no reason. They're always mad at me. Halos bugbog sarado na nga ako sa magkapatid na iyon sa Italya pero hindi ko pinapatulan.
Not until one day, we were alone at the house. Just us with Marie. Pinagtulungan ako ng dalawa sa pinakasulok ng kusina kung saan ako tuluyang natanggalan ng maskara.
My two eyes saw how the water separate on their body. How their body turned into pale… gray…. black and until they became ashes. They was so scared and shouting for help. Ang tanging naabutan lang naman ni Marie ay ang pagiyak ko sa isang sulok habang taklob - taklob ang mga mata ko.
I was just twelve that time and that was the first time I knew why my grandmother is making me wear mask and contact lenses since I was born.
That's my first trauma. I slept in the highway for almost three or four weeks because of what happened. Ang tanging kinakain ko lamang ay ang patagong dinadala ni Lazarus. Kunwaring napapadaan lamang sa'kin at inaakalang pulubi ako para maabutan dahil may mata ang Lola ko sa akin.
They want me to suffer for all what I did. Kahit sobra-sobra nang trauma ang nakuha ko sa pamilya namin at sa mga ginagawa nila sa akin, ako pa rin ang dapat magdusa. Wala iba kundi ako lamang.
"Nakikinig ka ba?" muli akong napabalik sa reyalidad nang hawakan ni Lazaro ang balikat ko.
"H-huh?" I looked at him with confusion in my eyes.
He shook his head and sighed heavily, "palagi kang lutang, ah. Ang sabi ko, pumasok na tayo sa loob dahil mukhang hindi na naman tayo makakapagensayo pa. Saka na lamang dahil hindi ka rin naman makakapag-focus."
"K-kailan 'yon ulit?" kung sakali man, hindi na sana ako mailang.
"After Christmas and New Year, I think?" he tilted his head, "I'll be on Batangas after New Year. May aasikasuhin akong hacienda namin doon."
My brow raised a bit because of that. Oh, I remembered that they owned a lot of hacienda at Batangas!
"Can I come with you? Sa hacienda?" dahan dahan kong tanong. "After New Year baka may pasok na ako pero p'wede akong dumaretsyo sa'yo."
I saw how his lips rose up like he was enjoying my plans after New Year. Well, I'm excited too!
"I can pick you up at your school too…" he whispered. "I'm not so busy at hacienda so… I can pick you up even everyday," he shrugged.
Uhm, that's better! Hindi na ako mamasahe kung sakali man magtatrabaho pa ako. Hindi ko alam kung makakahanap ba talaga ako ng trabaho kaya naman hindi ko alam kung anong magiging schedule ko sa pasukan.
"That's a great idea," tumawa ako.
"Maraming sapa sa hacienda ko, magugustuhan mo roon dahil presko. Maraming hayop, taniman at may mga bayan din na malapit. Probinsiya na probinsiya ang datingin."
Dahil sa mga sinabi niya, para bang gustong gusto ko nang matapos agad ang pasko at bagong taon. Gustong gusto ko nang maramdaman ang mala-probinsiyang bakasyon na sinasabi niya dahil ni-minsan ay hindi ko pa ito nararanasan.
The Christmas came and we were so happy. Mama cooked a lot of food and invited a lot of neighbors and visitors. Punong puno ang mansiyon ng mga ka-business partner nila at mga kaibigan. Samantalang ako, nanatili sa kwarto ni Lara dahil sa hiya.
Ito ang kauna-unahang pasko ko kasama ang pamilya nina Lazarus. Sobrang dami pang bisita at mga hindi ko pa kakilala.
"Hara?" it was Lazarus who opened the door. He looked at my pajama and simple tee shirt before looking at my eyes.
Nakakunot ang noo niya. Nakasuot ng magandang damit at maayos ang buhok.
"Why aren't you dress yet?" lumapit siya sa akin at hinawakan ang siko ko. He smells so good and manly. "It's Christmas, Hara, why don't you wear something pretty?"
I bit my lower lip and held his arm softly, "I don't have pretty dress, Lazarus." wala akong pambili noon. "At… nakakahiya sa nga bisita, hindi ako kilala rito sainyo."
Lalong kumunot ang noo niya. Buti na lamang ay pinapansin na niya ako. Buong akala ko miski ngayong pasko ay hindi niya ako papansinin. Akala ko pa naman, nagtatampo na siya sa akin.
"Mama bought you a white dress," he eyed my body. I swallowed hard, "I'll bring it here. Isasama kita pababa, maraming naghihintay sa'yong bisita. Mama is telling them about you since this morning…"
Namula ang pisngi ko sa kaba at hiya. Mama is so noisy and naughty! Palagi na lamang niya ako binibida sa mga kumare niya! Nahihiya tuloy ako kapag mas binibida pa niya ako kaysa sa mga anak niya. Lara and I is always her favorite. Not her boys.
Lazarus came back in just a minute while I'm taking a shower. I just came out of the bathroom and saw him patiently waiting for me on the bed while checking the dress.
It was backless and color white. Mama always want me wearing white clothes because she said it makes my skin more brighter and attractive. P'wede rin ang itim kaso parang ang pangit daw ng itim so I always chose white.
"Heto, mukhang maganda nga sa'yo. It is already paired with heels that Papa bought for you," he licked his lower lip. "Go change and let me see it."
"My skin will be exposed, umaga pa lang ngayon. Sa mga bar lamang ako nagsusuot niyan dahil medyo madilim," may hiya sa parte ko.
Kumunot ang noo niya, "so? Does it make you embarrass? You're shy because you are too pretty?"
Umirap ako sa kaniya at sinabayan ang tawa niya. Pumasok na lamang ako sa banyo at sinuot iyon. Hindi pa nga aabot iyon sa tuhod ko. Fit ito at lalong nahubog ang katawan ko. My boobs look big, oh my gosh! My butt too!
I gasped at the mirror, I looked like a pornstar!
Lumabas ako sa banyo ay yakap-yakap ko ang sarili ko. Pakiramdam ko'y hindi ako makakatagal sa harap ng maraming tao na ganito ang itsura ko. I usually wear pajamas and jacket!
"See? You are stunning!"
Namula lalo ang pisngi ko nang matagpuan ng mga mata ko ang heels sa tabi ng kama. Mataas ang takong noon. Baka isang hakbang ko lamang ay tumalbog na ang dede ko, it will be so really embarrassing!
Lazarus opened the door for me after I finished doing my simple make up in the bathroom.
People was looking at us while we are walking to the crowd. Lahat ay bumabati hanggang sa matagpuan namin ang kumpulan ng mga kumare ni Mama na nakatayo sa isang pabilog na mesa habang may hawak na alak.
"Oh, c'è la mia bella figlia!" Mama giggled and gave me a tight hug. "Ang ganda ganda talaga ng katawan mo! Mabuti't ako ang pumili ng damit mo!" hinalikan niya ang magkabila kong pisngi na hindi natatakluban ng aking maskara.
Muli kong niyakap ang sarili ko at ngumiti. She hugged my arm and turned her gaze to ther amigas.
"This is Hara, my daughter!" pagbida niya. "Sabi ko sainyo, maganda ang batang ito! Halos lahat ng anak kong lalaki ay may gusto sa batang ito!"
"Mama…" she just chuckled and introduced me to her friends. Maya't maya rin ang pagpapakilala niya sa mga taong nakaraan sa amin.
"This is Hara, my beautiful daughter! Iyong kinukwento ko sainyo na bata sa Italy, dalaga na ngayon!" pagyayabang niya. "Rodulfo, look at her!" may galit sa boses nito nang hindi siya pansinin ng isang matanda.
Nagtawanan ang mga kalalakihang matanda nang sumigaw si Mama. Rodulfo was teasing her, kanina pa niya hindi pinapansin nito at kunwaring walang naririnig.
"Ayoko pansinin ang hindi ako pinasasalubungan!" pagpaparinig nito ngunit nakatingin sa kaniyang mga kaibigan. "Galing sa Italya pero miski alak o pabango, walang pasalubong sa akin! Tsokolate para sa mga anak ko, wala!"
Nagusok ang ilong ni Mama at kinurot ang braso nito. They maybe best friends, ang kulit nilang tingnan. Napatawa na lang ako at nagulat nang may bahagyang humila ng braso ko.
It was Kento and immediately introduced me to the Manalo brothers!
"This is Hara, my daughter! Napakaganda talaga ng anak ko, 'di ba? Tingnan n'yo ang sexy nag anak ko!" pagmamalaki niya at bahagya akong siniko, "Hara, anak, mag-hi ka sa Manalo brothers. Huwag kang bastos." pabulong niyang sabi ngunit narinig naman nila.
Napuno ng tawanan ang mesa namin. Bumahid ang inis sa mukha ko at tinulak siya palayo sa akin dahil mas maliit siya sa'kin. I more looked like his mother!
Leopardo, the seventeen year old from Manalo brothers kissed my cheeks and greets me. Sinundan ito ng ilang magkakapatid hanggang sa mapuno ng kung ano anong usapan ang mesa namin.
"Excuse me," Lorenzo excused himself when a guy approach him.
Nagtama ang tingin namin ni Lazaro. Uminom siya sa kaniyang baso ng alak habang pinapasadahan ng tingin ang katawan ko. And mouthed, 'Merry Christmas, Beautiful."
I just nod at him and looked away. It feels different, ngayon lamang niya ako tinawag na ganoon. Nakakahiya dahil hindi kami masyadong naguusap pero umaakto siyang close kami.
I picked a one glass on the table and mind my own food. No one is talking to me… every member of the family is busy talking to their visitors. Even Lara was busy with her friends on the pool. They're doing a pool party. How fun.
Lazarus and others was with their mom. Hindi naman ako nagtatampo dahil kanina pa nila ako binibida sa mga bisita nila, it's their time to introduce themselves now.
I walked away from the party and decided to the gp to the third floor terrace. Tahimik dito at kitang kita ang pool kung saan naroon ang mga bata at ilang sasakyan na nakapark sa labas.
Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko at pinatong iyon sa isang bintana, I turned on timer and took myself a photo. Mabilis akong lumapit doon at chineck ang picture ko.
Muntik pa akong umurit nang makita si Lazaro sa background. Akmang lilingo ako sa likuran ko nang maramdaman ang presensiya sa likuran ko.
A deep chuckle covered my ear, "sorry… maganda na sana ang picture mo kaso bigla akong lumitaw."
He handed me a wine and grabbed my phone. Suminghab ako nang swinipe niya iyon at nakita ang mga picture ko noong isang araw sa bathtub!
"Stop looking at my pictures!" nag swipe pa siya ng ilang beses! "Lazaro!"
"Holy shit," tinakluban niya ang kaniyang bibig na nakaawang. "Don't tell me you're sending these photos to your sugar daddy?!"
"Of course not! I don't even have at least one!" iritang irit ko. "I just love taking photos of my body!"
Minasahe niya ang kaniyang sentido at naglabas ng hangin. He handed me my phone and looked at me, speechless and amazed.
"Then what are you gonna do to the photos after taking a picture of it?"
"I'm p-posting it on my instagram account!
"What account?"
Kumunot ang noo at umiling. Lumapit ako sa bintana na bukas at niyakap ang sarili. Umaga pa lang kaya nasisinagan pa ng araw ang balat ko mula rito. Pilit kong tinatanggal sa isipan ko ang kahihiyan.
"What account, Hara? Are you posting your private parts too?" he asked and looked scared.
Kumunot ang noo ko at tumawa, "siyempre hindi! I'm just posting my legs, neck and whatever but not my private part. Stop overthinking, I'm clean!"
He slowly nodded his head and drank his wine straight. I knew that he was just shocked. He knew me for being an innocent and good girl since I was a kid, so it's expected that he'll be shocked after seeing my photos. I pouted and looked at my body, maganda naman ang katawan ko. Mukha lang ang sumayad.
"It's boring here, mas masaya sa baba.*
"Wala naman akong makausap sa baba… all of you are busy with your business," my voice went low. "But it's okay."
He held my waist and started to step away from the window, nawindang ako roon at suminghab, "ayoko pang bumaba. Wala akong gagawin doon."
He didn't look at me until we finally reached the first step of the stairs. I felt how his arms hugged tightly around my waist.
"Then we'll open the gifts for you."
Nakababa kami ay lalong dumami ang tao. Karamihan sa kababaihan ay sinubukang sumingit sa amin ni Lazaro ngunit panay lamang ito tanggi.
"I'm sorry, Ashley. I'm with my sister and she's my priority today…" he said politely. "Merry Christmas to you and to your family."
Ashley nodded at us. She looked beautiful and stunning, she even smiled at me and praised my outfit.
"Merry Christmas too, Hara," she kissed my cheeks. "You look stunning, I love your outfit!"
Para bang tumalbog ang puso ko dahil doon. I said the same thing to her. Lazaro told me that Ashley is really nice, pretty and smart. Walang duda dahil makikita mo pa lang sa itsura nito at tindig.
Lazaro called his brothers and the one and only Kento who acted like he's one of them. He calls himself 'member of manalo brothers'.
Sa isang parte kami ng mansyon kung saan kami lamang ang naroon at ang mga regalong nakatambak sa mahabang mesa. Wow!
"Exchange gift tayo?" Kento asked while looking at those gifts on the table. Isa isa niya iyong tiningnan at inalog. "May regalo kayo sa'kin?"
"Wala," si Libero na tumawa. "Pero si Mama siguro meron, hindi ka naman nawalan sa kan'ya. Those gifts are all from us for Hara."
Suminghab ako at tiningala si Lazaro. Hindi siya nakatingin sa akin kaya ngumuso ako. My reaction was priceless tapos hindi siya nakatingin sa akin?! Nakakahiya tuloy!
He was looking at Lazarus who was standing beside Ludovico.
"Huh?" Kento checked all the gifts as if at least one was for him. "Bakit ako wala? Kahit sapatos? Or cash?"
"Si Mama nga…" Leonardo chuckled and pulled my arm that made me away from Lazaro. Hinila niya ako palapit sa mesa at nagabot ng isang regalo. "Open all these gifts in front of us, Hara. We can't wait for your reaction, right brothers?"
Leonardo and I was just in the same age but I am taller than him. Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi ko at tiningnan ang pangalan sa regalo. It was from Lorenzo.
"Kento! It's for Hara, stop opening gifts!" Lazarus took a gift away from Kento. Kamuntikan na niya iyong tuluyang mabuksan.
"Dapat meron din ako mula sa inyo! I was there for you for almost three years tapos si Hara papaulanan ninyo ng regalo?!"
"Hara has been there since we were kids, Kento," Leopardo chuckled.
Hinayaan ko silang magaway away roon habang isa isa ko namang binubuksan ang regalo. Hindi ko mapigilang mapasinghab sa mga simpleng bagay na regalo nila sa akin. It just cost hundreds, alam nilang hindi ako tatanggap ng mamahaling regalo.
"Hanger," pinakita ko sa kanila ang nakuha kong regalo at hindi napigilang matawa ng malakas na sinabayan ni Libero. "Fuck you, Libero!"
Habang tumatawa nagtama muli ang tingin namin ni Lazaro. He was laughing too, natigilan ako nang tumigil siya. Ewan ko ba sa lalaking ito, ayaw napapansin na tumatawa at ngumiti-ngiti siya. He's sensitive about his smile pero maayos at gwapo siyang tingnan kapag nakangiti.
"Oh…" napakurap kurap ako nang makakuha ng mamahaling pabango mula kay Lorenzo. "T-this is so expensive.."
"Just take it, that's my mom's favorite for you," he said. "Don't think about the prize, I gave it to you because I want to."
Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi ko at dahan dahan itong pinatong sa mesa. Sumunod kong binuksan ay mula kay Lazarus. It's a simple hair tie and clips. I mounted 'thank you' to him and he just nod.
"Open my gift," Lazaro pushed a gift to me. "You haven't opened a gift from me yet. May favoritism ka?"
"Wala 'no!" tumawa ako. "Marami kasi." I started opening his gift.
Nagtagal ang titig ko sa regalo at mangha siyang tiningnan. It was a gun and outfits! The other box was dresses from an expensive shop too!
"P'wede mong suotin kapag sinama kita sa hacienda. These dress more look good on you than pajamas and jackets…"
"B-but I don't wear dress daily! Napakarami nito!"
Mas komportable pa ako sa pajama at jacket. Taklob ang balat ko at nakakagalaw pa ako ng maayos hindi kagaya kapag naka-dress. Masyadong exposed and balat ko at mahirap kumilos miski umupo.
"You can wear anything you want, Hara. I'm not forcing you to wear these clothes. I just bought you these kinds of dresses because I want to." he repeated what Lorenzo said. Talaga ngang kambal sila.
Tumango ako at tiningnan ang ilang regalo. Hindi ko na kaya iyong buksan, pinagpapawisan na nga ako!
"Ako na lang magbubukas para sa'yo, Hara!" Kento suddenly volunteered. "Hindi ako mapapagod, promise!"
Lazaro grab Kento's suit and pushed him away from the gifts. Nang tumayo siya mula sa kinatatayuan ng mga magkakapatid, siya talaga ang pinakamaliit.
"Hindi naman ako mapapagod, eh…" tiningala niya si Lazaro na hawak pa rin ang kaniyang halos magusot na damit. "Bitawan mo nga ako, kapre!"
—
Kento is my new little Astro now.
Kamiss kasi siya. 😂