i wouldn't say i'm trying to avoid the fact i have major feelings for ashtray.. but in a way i am ?
it's been a few days since "the" kiss , i haven't talked to him about the kiss or my feelings yet , but it's obvious it's in the air , im just nervous to bring it up.. and tell him that i like him.
because i really , really shouldn't. which makes me feel bad but anyone would say the same thing.
i'm stupid for still having feelings for him even knowing what he did , right ? i think so.
but in this case , i'll just have to be stupid.
because i really like him. everything i've learned about him in the past month and a half , i like every part. aside from "that" whole thing obviously.
i felt really bad though , i want to talk to him about my feelings but i don't know if should , considering i feel guilty about even liking him in the first place.
but if i do , which i will.. eventually. hopefully he understands , if it's obvious. because i'm not gonna tell him i feel guilty about liking him , no fucking way.
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ashtray and me had been watching tv for while , that was until he decided to fall asleep.
but i took that as my chance to do makeup on him.
i did it really bad because i was trying to be quiet , this boy wakes up really easily so i'm surprised he hasn't yet.
i had just finished putting eye shadow on him , and then writing "mar" with a heart on his forehead in eyeliner , when i laughed on accident.
oh no.
i quickly grabbed my phone , taking a picture just in time.
he opened his eyes , looking at me and then sitting up. i laughed again , making him squint his eyes.
faye came from taking the trash out , sitting down on the other couch and looked at us.
"nice makeup." she smiled at him , i chuckled at the fact she was completely serious and it did that as a joke.
ashtray turned to me , giving me a glare and heading to the bathroom.
i ran to fezcos room , closing it and pressing my back up against it. "what the hell ?"
i smiled , hearing ashtray cuss behind the door.
"fez , help me."
he squinted his eyes , and just as he did ashtray started trying to open the door.
"mariana get this shit off me !"
"fez ! help !" i was laughing , while trying my hardest to keep the door closed.
"nah man that's all you." god dammit fezco.
ashtray pushed the door open , making me quickly run out the room. but of course he caught me.
"i'm sorry." i laughed out , watching him try and hold back his smile.
"aw you look so cute." i teased as he dragged me to the bathroom.
"shut up."
i kept the smile on my face , grabbing my makeup wipes and starting to wipe it off him.
as i got to his lips , about to wipe off the lipstick the kiss came to my mind. should i bring it up right now ? fuck. okay. imma go for it.
"ash.." i started , making myself nervous.
i wanted to ask why he kissed me back , so i could either ask that or come right out and tell him my feelings.. both are a lot.
should i ask him what he sees me as ? like a friend or something else ? maybe that'll be my best pick.
"do you see me as your friend ?.. or like.." i paused , doing a hand motion.
"no." why does he have to give such a simple answer.
"no ?..." i wanted him to say more , that's not enough.
he nodded , "okay.. um. did that kiss mean anything to you ?"
i sighed , relieved i finally got it out.
"yeah. did it mean anything to you ?"
holy. this is it.
"yeah." i threw away the makeup wipe , now just standing there.
now we both knew the kiss meant something , but maybe that doesn't necessarily mean he knows i have feelings for him. should i tell him then ? okay maybe i should wait ?...
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that's what i did. i waited.
i wasn't gonna wait long , i was just nervous to tell him. i didn't know if it was a good idea , but even if it isn't i'm doing it..
at some point we went to the store , it was only open a few hours but both me and ashtray went with fez.
and right now ? i was sitting on the roof of it.
it was night time so the moon was out , what a coincidence. i laid on my back , letting my thoughts take over.
after everything , brielle wasn't my friend.
my dads dad.
i never really knew my mom.
rue isn't someone i can rely on.
i like ashtray.
and he killed my dad.
the kiss.
what people think of me.
it was all sudden , it felt like it all happened so quickly , so much in such little time.
tears started to fall , it was a lot. and i didn't want to cry about it , but in that moment that's all i could really do.
i wiped my tears , hearing noises. ashtray.
"what are you doin up here , ma ?"
i smiled , feeling more tears fall. god this is really pathetic.
"are you crying ?" he got closer , making me laugh , trying to cover up the fact i was actually really upset.
"yeah , i don't know." i laughed again , laying down again , him laying down shortly after me.
he held my hand , i knew ashtray didn't like showing affection , so him doing this was enough for me.
i decided this was a better time than ever.
i turned my face to him , seeing him already looking at me.
"ashtray.." i talked low , since we were close.
i took a long pause , getting nervous.
"i like you."
AUTHORS NOTES.
y'all i had no other way to do this 😭 don't hate me if this is bad
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thank you ❤️
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i was gonna do that , but i kinda have an idea since the title is "you're the ONLY one i need." ykyk
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thank you sm !
and i did , so creds to you <3
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