I noticed him the very first day, I knew right away from the reactions that there were very few who knew who exactly entered the room late on our very first day. I come from a comfortable family, my parents were very well informed and kept up with current events. I heard about it at the time.
My parents were revolted that a child could be kept in a place like that. I didn't know what they were talking about at the time, they were pretty careful about keeping the details from me. It wasn't until I saw him and got curious that I researched the details. It sickened me to my stomach, how can anyone treat another human being that way...
I was like a miner who found the largest and most precious gem in the world that none of the others around me noticed. To them it would look like a random large rock, it was good fortune that at the time I realized the true prize when I saw him.
I'm a girl who's relatively intelligent, my parents would always fawn over my accomplishments. I thought that if I showed my value, that others would want to befriend me. Would want to be close to me. I didn't realize at the time that it intimidated people and so others my age began to distance themselves from me and not long after I was ostracized.
So now when coming to ANHS I made the decision to blend in. I wanted to comfortably try and make sure that I was in a good relationship with everyone around me, I didn't want to stand out too much and I planned to scout out the boys there to see if there was any potential. I'm not naive, I know how the world works.
While others are doing their best to get to Class A for the benefits, I know that it is a sidebar for me. I have opportunities outside of this, to get there would be great, but it's not a primary objective for me. I was looking for a future, not a career. Rather than leave the decision to my parents to find me a match, I was hopeful that I could find a boy I fell in love with. Someone who had the characteristics, drive and desires to live a similar life to me.
I wasn't looking for someone who was looking for a free ride. I don't want my family being taken advantage of, I didn't want someone who simply wanted to live off my inheritance, I wanted to find someone who wanted to build something of their own.
That's why the moment that I laid eyes on Ayanokouji Kiyotaka, I knew I found the one. While every other girl in our class was torn between different guys on who they would give their affections to, there was only one for me from the start.
So I waited, I patiently observed and waited for my chance. Then when Matsuo-kun asked questions about the S-System and floundered at the end, I cut in. He noticed.
At the time my heart was beating like I was dying. He noticed. I wasn't just another girl in the class, he recognized me. An opportunity to ingratiate myself with him came along and I took it. Walking with him to the pool I made myself known, told him that I knew, assured him that I'd kept his secret and made friends with him. I even tried to make him see the similarities between us but he either didn't notice or didn't acknowledge it.
I made my intentions clear and then I waited. I gave him my number so that he could contact me, so that we could get closer. Then I waited some more. Deciding that I'd give him a push I tried to make my intentions clearer, pulling his arm around me and reminding him that I was a girl. I was trying to be subtle, but I was also trying to scream at him. Wanting him to look at me...
But he didn't. Maybe he saw through me, perhaps he didn't think I was genuine. I wrestled with the possibility that I inadvertently put myself in the friendzone, I thought that maybe if I just let it be he would come to me but he didn't. So I continued to wait.
Then the results came out and he scored a zero. To me, this wasn't trying to be inconspicuous, this was a message. I know that I'm probably being self-centered, I probably wasn't even a thought in his mind when he did this, but I felt like it was a message to me. That he didn't have the ambitions and aspirations that I had hoped for. That he really was what Chabashira-sensei had called him; wasted potential.
I didn't want to believe it. When we discussed things as a group I could only breathe my thoughts out loud before I could even stop myself.
"...to not even answer a single question..."
I built things up in my head. It's easy to judge me and say that I'm some sort of a horrible person but I'm just a girl. I'm a young one too, I've had everything handed to me by my parents. I had this image of someone like my dad. Someone who's smart, strong, ambitious... I thought I found someone just like him, a person I could love and admire.
Just like that, I realized Ayanokouji Kiyotaka may not be what I thought he was.
So I just continued to watch and wait. I was too prideful to talk to him on my own, he was a boy. I expected him to be a man and approach me, I did everything that was required of me. I showed my interest, I gave him the necessary tools to pursue me and that was what I was supposed to do. I just had to wait.
I realized far too late that I had made a horrible mistake. I scoffed at Kushida who was so cheaply trying to seduce him, he wouldn't fall for that. But then I saw him befriend Horikita Suzune, a person who had nothing but disdain for him. I was so baffled and confused at the time that I spent so many agonizing hours trying to figure out just what I missed. What was the flaw in my approach?
Too late I realized what it was. I thought it was intelligence that he valued. I assumed that it was loyalty or discretion. I realized far too late what was really important to Ayanokouji Kiyotaka, it was authenticity.
I was so stupid, I was incredibly arrogant. Thinking that my social standing and intelligence was the most important thing that I had and it was far too late to realize. I only needed to look carefully at the similarities between Sakayanagi, Matsuo and Horikita. When you look at the three of them, they couldn't be any different. Sakayanagi is brilliant, Matsuo is aloof and Horikita is headstrong. If you look at the surface, you wouldn't see any similarities.
But if you look beneath the surface, just as I compared Ayanokouji to a gem, you would see that they had the same underlying characteristics; when it came to Ayanokouji, they were authentic. They didn't lie, they didn't deceive. He didn't need to guess or analyze their intentions, they were honest.
It was far too late to see, because before my very eyes I saw Ayanokouji Kiyotaka fall in love with Ichinose Honami. How was I supposed to compete with her? She was everything that Ayanokouji wanted and it wasn't an act. There was no ulterior motive behind what she was doing and she loved him back now. It was as genuine as it could be as well, because she knew nothing of his past.
She loves him for who he is and not for what he has. She loves him for the lazy, aloof and sarcastic man that he shamelessly acts to everyone. He is authentic, he shows himself exactly as he is with no shame. To him, if people shun him for it, he's grateful. He doesn't want people who use him around him.
I wasn't trying to be that and I'm not that person. I was just trying to get him to notice me and thought this is what I had to do to achieve it. I fully intended that once we were courting, that I'd show him who I really was. I had no ill intentions, I just wanted the one who I grew to care for to notice me.
I can't wait patiently hoping that Ichinose Honami will screw up because I know she won't. I know that whatever mistakes she makes, as long as she is sincere, Ayanokouji will forgive her. Because that's what he values.
I haven't even been able to look at him or speak to him because every time I do my heart twists in anguish. I had every chance, I could have just been honest with him. I could have just supported him and been real. I could have not been prideful, I could have done what Ichinose Honami did, had lunch with him daily. Listen to him, tell him when I thought he was wrong. I could have made him notice me, but instead I waited.
I waited on the sidelines while Ayanokouji Kiyotaka went right by and I could have called out to him to see me, instead I just sat on my hands and all I have left is my pride intact but I am shattered.
So, now I sit broken hearted. Ayanokouji Kiyotaka will never be closer than he is right now, but he couldn't be any farther away...
A/N: Forgot to mention here that I purposely didn't correct grammar errors etc. This is supposed to be like a diary entry, wanted to highlight Matushita's mental state. I was just trying it on. I try to write each SS with the characters characteristics and for Chiaki's I just wanted to try this out.