Ruth.
WE HAVEN'T talked in two weeks.
I wasn't bothered though. Really I wasn't.
He was so mean for no reason, and I had no idea what I had done to make him act that way. And for that reason, I wasn't talking to him or forgiving him because that wasn't fair. You can never be angry at someone without reasoning.
that's just how life works in my eyes.
But, I think what annoyed me the most was that I let myself cave. I let myself finally start to admit that I missed him when he was gone, a lot.
This whole time I never let myself admit that I thought about him more than I wanted too because I didn't want to seem weak. Because I for one am not a weak person.
but now we were back to square one, or maybe not even that so it doesn't even matter.
Right now, I was at home, absolutely bored out of my mind. I was sat on a wooden stool in my kitchen, starting to drift off into my own universe.
After me and Elijah's argument two weeks ago, I remember storming back into the library, grabbing my stuff and leaving. I felt guilty because I didn't even say goodbye to Mr.McRae but I had to go because quite frankly I was hurt, upset.
And it was when I felt that familiar burning in the back of my eyes was when I knew I needed to get out of there because I would not let myself cry over Elijah Carter. Not anymore. Not never. Nor would I let anyone see.
Crying was such an vulnerable action, and the thought of crying freely in front of someone genuinely makes me uncomfortable.
So, not matter how hurt or upset I am in that moment of time, I was never going to cry in front of someone. Though, personally I didn't think crying was a bad thing, because it was a way people expressed their emotions without having to speak or explain. And honestly I think that was great because for some, speaking about their feelings is worse than just crying. I guess I just preferred to do neither and stay silent. Which sometimes maybe wasn't a good thing or even healthy.
My parents were still on their little 'work' trip, whatever they call it. I don't why they even bothered still calling it that, when I knew that they both knew that I understood why they were always gone. But, I think what hurt the most about them never being here was that I had to understand things for my self, I had to learn my through my life by myself. I didn't have my mum warning me about my period, I had to deal with that alone, at school, in the bathrooms, alone. I didn't have my dad telling me about how he was going to protect me from boys when I was older, or cheering me on at my first football match, which I soon quit after I realised that even playing his favourite wasn't enough to make him proud.
They were both never here.
Recently, I've started to realise that somehow I always end up alone. Maybe it was my fate, or even my destiny because at this point, it seemed to be the only that has stuck with me, and never left.
What snaps me away from my thoughts is the familiar ache in my chest, and for some reason that somehow makes me feel better knowing that I wasn't numb as I thought I was to the loneliness of myself.
I clear my throat and sigh sadly, wiping away the lone tear that slips out of my eye. Even when I tried so hard to keep it in.
I pause in my seat for a second, thinking over something for me to do, anything.
And then it comes to me.
I quickly get up from my seat, and rush to the front door, grabbing my coat before exiting the house.
The cold air rushes to my face instantly and as I let out a shocked breath, I watch as my warm breath disintegrates into the coldness.
I start to walk down the pavement as if I was a man in a mission. But maybe I was.
I was going to MY spot.
For two weeks, I put off the thought of going because of the possibility of seeing him, but today I simply did not care because it was my spot too.
So, if I did see him there I would just not talk to him. Nor did I even want to talk to him anyway or see his face.
Familiarity fills me when I walk up the same hill, and then I start to smile when I spot the willow tree in its elegant glory.
The grass crunches beneath my feet as I walk up to it, and I continue to place myself down on the grass leaning against the stump.
The view of the town always manages to talk my breath away and I know it will every single time.
I breath in the air and slowly glance around, absentmindedly looking around for a certain someone. And when I don't see him, I can't help but let a little bit of disappointment fill me, which I doing scold myself for because of the events two weeks ago.
I kept putting it aside but reminiscing back to our arguement, I couldn't help but think that there was more to the story. Like, there didn't seem to be a particular thing that had made him angry, it was like he was just—angry. Obviously there could have been something that made him upset but at the same time, my Elijah wouldn't take it out on someone. Maybe the person that made him angry, he would but I know for a fact that I didn't make him angry. Well I thought I didn't anyway. And when I glanced up at his anger filled eyes, I not only noticed the fact that he looked even more tired, if that was even possible but they were bloodshot. I told myself it was just because he was tired, but maybe there was more to the story.
A rustle makes me snap out of my thoughts and whip my head around to the culprit.
"Hello?" I call out in confusion, starting to push myself off the stump.
The sound and movement of the thing stills, and I'm only met with silence.
My face scrunches up, "Anyone.. there?" I hesitate.
And once again, I'm met with silence.
My breathing quickens as I let myself overthink what could happen right now.
what if I'm about to get kidnapped? or murdered? or maybe it's an animal about to eat me?
"Ruth." Is the only thing that needs to be said for me to just stop everything.
I can't help but let these next worlds fall out of my mouth before I can even process them, "Why are you here?" I groan.
He breathes out, "I could ask you the same question." He replies calmly.
I couldn't see him but I could make out his figure in the darkness. He stood next to the willow tree, in front of me.
how didn't I see him instantly?
I scoff, "Well it is my spot."
"It is OUR spot." He emphasises on the 'our'.
I disagree by shaking my head, "It was only my spot the second you left without an explanation. And you know that."
I'm met with tense silence.
"Where have you been for the last two weeks?" He questions in an rigid tone, disregarding my statement.
I raise an eyebrow in judgement, "Why do you want to know?"
"Just wondering." He hums,
I pause. I want to lie and say I was really busy, that I was hanging out with friends, or my parents, but instead I just sigh and say, "Home. I was at home."
"You didn't leave your house once?" Concern enters his tone, even though I know he tries to hide it.
"No." I speak quietly.
"Why?" He whispers.
"I was avoiding you." I suddenly snap when what happened two weeks ago flashes through my mind.
I can see my words affect him when he flinches back and it suddenly makes me hate myself.
He clears his throat, "Right. That's what I wanted to speak to you about."
I wait impatiently for his answer.
He looks up at me, "I'm sorry."
I blink, and the blink again.
"Your—sorry?" I laugh in void emotion.
He nods, "Yes. I'm sorry Ruth. I shouldn't have acted like that."
"No you shouldn't of." I agree.
"And I won't act like that again." He promises me, and that's when I pause.
"Don't. Don't make promises you know you can't keep." I shake my head.
Elijah doesn't speak, so I look as that for me to explain further.
"Do you really think that you won't lash out like that again?" I genuinely ask him.
I can tell that this makes him still, and I can also tell that this makes him actually rethink, "I don't know.." He whispers in such an ashamed voice that I wanted nothing more than to comfort him, but I don't. I stay in my spot.
I click my tongue and nod, "That's what I thought,"
Wanting to get out of this conversation, I make the decision and start to turn away from Elijah, walking back home.
Before I'm fully gone, I hear one simple sentence that makes my heart clench, "I know I can't promise you a lot of things Ruth, but what I can promise you is that I want nothing more than to change."
....
AUTHORS NOTE:
FINALLY A NEW CHAPTER!!
it's a miracle, i'm telling you.
i'm really sorry for the updates and i will continue to be sorry because I know for a fact they will not be improving any time soon. For now anyway.
i love you all and thank you for 18k reads. what the fuck?!
-b.