47.
Jem's POV
"So, how exactly is this going to help," I sighed as Andrew looked around the hair care isle carelessly but excitement shone brightly in his eyes.
"You said your end goal was to eventually be able to live without the tight schedule. This is how we start. Small, controlled changes can help you break out of the routine you've been following for the past few years," Andrew said as he continued to look. "Over time the changes will become bigger and more important to your day to day life."
"I don't like where this is going," I admit.
Patrick leaned against the full shopping cart as Andrew walked deeper into the isle, getting dangerously close to the hair dye section.
Patrick's eyes widened a bit as he pieced together everything. A small smile covered his face as he followed Andrew while I tried to hover around the exit.
"You at least get to pick the color," he soothed but it did little to actually help.
There had been a time when dying my hair had been fun. Picking the colors, staying up late, joking to with Dev and Barrett as the color processed; it was nothing more than a way to pass the time on a long weekend.
Now just the thought of dying my hair made my chest feel tight as my hands began playing with themselves.
"We don't have time for this today," I brushed off with a smile. "We'll come back some other time for this."
"What else are you going to do," Patrick scoffed as he picked up one of the boxes, taking in the dark green color before scrunching up his nose and putting it back. "You just got off bed rest yesterday, there's nothing you can do so might as well fill the time some how."
"I know a better way to fill the time," I teased, as I looked him up and down slowly before sending him a wink. He blushed and looked back at the colors, trying to avoid the subject but I could tell I had gotten to him.
Just a few more smartass comments before I had him on my side and ready to leave, Andrew would be out numbered and would have no choice but to follow us if he wanted a ride back.
At least that was my hope until Andrew turned to face me with a serious expression. His voice lowered when he approached me with a small glare on his face.
"You told me to help you," he reminded me with a stern voice that didn't sound very convincing. "This is how you start. We both know you are the kind of person who won't start self help unless you're forced to, so consider yourself forced and remember that you asked me for this."
I openly scowled at his point as my fists tighten at my sides.
"Liam seems to think I need your help," I said as if it were no big deal while I stirred the pot in front of me. Andrew sat in front of me at the breakfast bar, watching every step I made in order to someday copy the skills I had adapted.
With Patrick still away at work and Dev and Barrett at the warehouse, I didn't bother whispering or having the conversation in silence.
"Liam thinks that? Or you do and don't want to admit it?" He asked honestly with a small frown. When I don't answer his frown grows before he sighs. "I'm so happy that you admit you need help but I don't think I should be the one to help."
A glare falls on my face before I have a chance to stop it.
"Don't give me that look," he sighed. "With the relationship we have, friends with benefits or what ever you want to call it, it would cloud the therapist/patient relationship we would try to build. It would hurt more than it would help. I could get you recommendations though. I know several great therapists who would be happy to help you. I could give you a few referrals."
"You help Barrett," I pointed out.
"Barrett and I don't tend to fool around. Besides, with Barrett's arson record he'd be in jail the second he admitted he had a problem. You could find help as one of your fake names and never have to worry about that."
"We both know I could only get so far before having to admit what I do for work. Any guy with half a brain would at the very least drop me as a client the second word got out."
"There's plenty you can work on without mentioning your job," he soothed, sensing the rising anger but his soft voice did little to help.
"It's you or no one," I threatened, never looking away from the food in front of me or allowing the glare on my face to lessen.
"Either you help me or no one will."
"Jem be realistic. You know I'm right. There will be things we will butt heads on, you'll be pissed at me, you'll try to push me away and Dev and Barrett will take your side and help push me out. It'll end up hurting Barrett's trust in me too. Let me help you find someone else."
"It's you or no one," I seethed out, looking away from the food for this first time since I started. "I've had a therapist before; it didn't end well for me. I can't do that again. It's either you or no one."
Andrew didn't back down at the glare I had focused on him. He held my gaze firmly, attempting to work out what I had said before giving up and sighing.
"Fine but you need to know I'm not taking it easy on you just because we fool around sometimes or because I consider us friends."
"Fair enough," I scoffed as I looked back at the stovetop.
"I also want you to keep an open mind and to not fight me every step of the way. You've accepted you need help, now accept the help you asked for."
"Take your time picking a color," he soothed as he reached for my balled hands. "Take breaks if you need it. When we're actually dying it we'll take as many breaks as you need. Take a deep breath, calm your heart rate; you can do this. We're just looking at colors, this isn't meant to be the hard part."
His hands were warm against mine. His eyes were calm and a smile covered his face as if he didn't sense the panic running through me.
I pulled my hands away from his before joining Patrick to look at colors. My heart was still pounding in my chest but I forced myself to put on a calm face.
"Dark red would look good on you," Patrick said as he stared down at the book before putting it beside my head to judge it better.
My chest tightened at the idea. It was too big of a change.
"Maroon would wash me out," I lied as my eyes scanned the colors. Andrew stood back, observing my every move without saying a word.
"What about blonde," he asked as he picked up another box. "Dev said you looked really good in it before and it's your natural color," he said as he ran his fingers though my hair to reveal the grown out roots. The soothing motion did little to help the panic. I'd rather die than go back to blonde.
"It's too plain," I dismissed.
He hummed at the lame excuse before removing his hand and going back to the boxes.
My eyes scanned all of them; the only one that helped the panic was the black that I've been using for the past 2 years.
"All we have left is the purple or blue," Patrick pointed out when I rejected another color though his voice remained calm and patient. "Didn't you say you had blue for a while at some point?"
"For a few months actually," I admit as I looked over the box. It was the same color; even the same brand that I had used back then. It was a really dark blue, honestly only a few shades away from being black, especially in the dark. It was the most familiar color out of all of them. "I guess we'll try it," I shrugged as I threw it in the buggy. "Let's go, it's getting late."
The usually long trip back home felt a lot quicker than usual. Dinner was made and eaten in silence as dread hung over me until Dev and Barrett finally came home.
"Why does it feel like someone died in here," Barrett asked timidly as Patrick began washing the dishes.
"We're mourning my hair," I sighed as I held up the bleach that I always used.
Dev's eyes widened as a smile covered his face.
"If you're bleaching instead of just touching up the roots that means you're changing color!" He said with excitement seeping into his voice. "Is it blonde? Please tell me you're going blonde again."
"Not in a million years," I scoffed before tossing the dye to him lazily.
"Back to blue I see," Barrett commented as he peaked around Dev to see what I had thrown. "I always thought it suited you better than the other colors anyway."
"You remember how to do it, right?"
"As if it isn't burned into my memory or anything," Barrett scoffed as he waved me to the bathroom. "Let's get the bleach started before it gets too late."
I sat on the toilet seat as Barrett situated everything how he wanted. A towel was slung around my neck while Barrett began mixing the bleach before layering it in my hair a few strands at a time.
Most of the work was done in silence. Barrett's gentle fingers worked carefully until I was all but nodding off.
"Still like having your hair played with huh," he teased. "Don't fall asleep before this is over. I'm not dying your hair if you're grumpy because I woke you up for it."
"I'm not falling asleep," I scoffed even though that couldn't be farther from the truth. Barrett only laughed at my pathetic excuse before letting the silence surround us again.
"So you talked to Andrew then?" His question had me wide-awake in seconds. "He didn't tell me anything, don't worry. I just know you wouldn't be changing your color if you hadn't. I'm glad you're letting someone help. We both know it's about time."
"Just pray this goes better than last time," I sighed.
"I don't know what happened last time but I trust Andrew well enough. He's already helped me more than you can imagine. This is going to be good for you."
I didn't bother saying anything else as he finished up the last piece and dismissed me for now.
The two of us joined the rest of them on the couch as the bleach processed. Dev all but begged me to keep it blonde but eventually gave up on the hopeless request and pouted instead. Patrick had seemed excited to see the final product while Andrew kept sending me careful glances that I didn't bother reassurancing.
"So does this mean you're going to change colors every month or so again," Barrett asked without looking up from his phone even though we both knew the answer. "Gotta say I loved the rainbow dye you had a while back."
"Can you stop bringing that up," I scoffed, trying to brush it off before anyone else said something about it but Andrew had already taken notice.
"You had a rainbow dye," he asked with a smile covering his face.
"It was nothing special."
"The king of dark wardrobes had a rainbow dye," Patrick asked, his voice just as surprised as Andrew. "And you claim it's nothing special?"
"It wasn't. I had a lot of left over dye that I wasn't going to use any other way."
"I honestly can't imagine you with anything but monotone hair," Andrew said with a shake of his head.
"He had a lot of multicolored hair," Dev spilled as he pulled out his phone. "I've still got a lot of pictures."
"They don't need to see them," I dismissed but Andrew and Patrick were quick to leave my side and look over Dev's shoulders while he began showing all of them.
"You had pink hair?"
"Forget that, you had a split dye with purple and black? That looked so good on you."
"I wish I had gotten a picture of his orange but he changed it too fast. He looked like a fucking traffic cone."
"That was Barrett's fault," I said with a glare. "He picked the color and said it wouldn't be as bright when it got on my hair, he said he was going to mix it with something else."
"I did!" Barrett defended. "I just got distracted while I did it and put white instead of the darker color."
"How does one get that distracted?"
"Oh I don't remember but I know it was a good reason!"
I scoffed just as the timer he had set went off. The bland sound had the tightening in my chest back in a second. All of them turned to look at me. Barrett still had a smirk on his face from his past mistake of turning my hair bright orange. Dev looked happy that I was back to changing the color. Patrick was still excited to see the final product while Andrew was the only one who knew the weight behind the awful sound.
"Might as well get this over with," Barrett said with a yawn. "It's getting late. And I promise to not turn it a bright color this time."
I sighed but followed him anyway.
It felt like forever. I was used to the 20-minute touch up but now that my whole head was getting color it had taken Barrett over an hour to get everything colored and even longer for the color to process.
"I almost forgot how good you looked with blue," Barrett said after my hair was rinsed and dry. His hand ran through my hair a few times to make sure he hadn't missed any spots and when he was satisfied he nodded to the mirror. "Have a look.
My chest grew even tighter as I approached the mirror. My hands shook as I looked up at the mirror.
I honestly didn't recognize myself.
The blue had only been a few shades lighter but it still felt so different. It was new but not completely foreign. I was balancing on the edge of asking him to dye it back before Andrew saw and just accepting what was happening.
"I know it's hard but let it go. Maybe if you stop looking it won't be as bad."
I nodded but my eyes stayed glued to the mirror. I hated it. It was wrong. I wanted it gone. I wanted the black back. Forget what Andrew thought. He was wrong. This wouldn't help. I've only had the color for a few minutes and it's already done more harm than good.
"Oh shit." Patrick said as he sheepishly peaked in. His eyes were wide, as he looked me up and down. Though my hair had been the thing that changed, his eyes were focused on my chest that was bare after the rinse got my shirt wet before he finally snapped out of the daze he had been in.
His eyes slowly trailed up to meet my eyes, taking in the new color before a smile covered his face.
"Do you like it," I asked, trying to hide the sigh in my voice.
He didn't say a word as he stepped forward, his eyes still focused on my face.
"I think it looks good," he admitted as he ran his fingers though it slowly before humming. "What do you think?"
"I hate it," I admit as I looked back at the mirror.
It's hard to believe I had this color for months at one point. At some point this had been my comfort color. When I didn't know what else to use I had turned to this. Now looking at it just felt wrong.
"Because it looks bad or because it's different," he asked even though we both knew the answer. "Let me reassure you that you look good with it regardless of if you don't love it."
"I'm glad you like it at least."
His face was only inches from mine, his hand still buried in my hair, still looking no where other than the new color while my eyes focused on his lips only inches away from mine.
"If you're going to start making out at least wait until none participating individuals have left," Barrett scoffed as he squeezed around us. "And at least have the decency to not have a hickey before you show Dev."
I stepped away from Patrick with a small, fake laugh before forcing an even more fake yawn. It was late already and I wasn't in the mood to keep staring at my hair for hours, hoping it magically turned to the right color.
"Dev can see it in the morning," I waved off as I stepped closer to the door. "I'm going to bed. Why don't you grab Andrew and join me?"
A smile graced Patrick's face.
"Inviting us into your bed? How scandalous James." I didn't bother hiding the cringe as he walked down the hall to grab Andrew. The second he turned his back my hand found my hair again.
I couldn't see it but I knew it was wrong.
My hand tightened at the roots as the tugging began.
My feet led me numbly to my room, numbly to the bed. I didn't bother reacting when Patrick and Andrew joined me. They had long been asleep yet I was still awake.
My hand still tugging at my hair, willing the color to change even though I still couldn't see it.
I should have known better than to let Andrew get involved. This wasn't going to help. He didn't know what he was doing.
My hands continued to tug as Andrew and Patrick slept silently beside me while I lay wide awake, thinking about nothing besides the fact that everything was wrong.
Last updated May 10, 2022