I genuinely think my writing has gotten a lot better. Compared to my older works, this doesn't even look like something I could even attempt to write. I really hope you enjoy this chapter. To tell the truth, lately I've been procrastinating writing anything at all. It's been in the back of my mind, but as of late, I've felt I can't just leave the story unfinished. I swear I'll finish this. Promise.
Kk boring ass lecture over here's the chapter.
Tw//: F slur, gore, death, violence, some implied lemon
~\Zak/~
Another day, another attempt to live what those call their normal years in highschool.
Except I'm not normal.
I'm pretty sure normal people can keep their fists to themselves.
Can stay passive, and simply brush off the weakest words even spat in their direction.
Yet I roll up my sleeves.
I ask myself everyday as to why I'm like this, why I've done this, and why I continue to.
Perhaps it's like a forbidden drug; a feeling disgraced by society, yet fills you more than any form of love ever could.
Or perhaps the feeling of someone loving you for such acts pushes you further into the feeling, the addiction.
Perhaps that's what's happening now.
The feeling of my pencil sliding between my hands is enough to stimulate my physical needs, my mind going into a deeper tangent.
My teacher has several slides, all rendered useless in my dissociative state, blurred over, words bleeding into ineligible, sloppy smears.
The kid next to me is doing much of the same; scrolling through his phone endlessly for any form of escape from the unbearable lecture.
From my distance, I'm unable to see the his exact keystrokes, but can find He's texting someone.
He types rather quickly, much as if there's a time limit, or as if he was a horror movie's protagonist, fumbling keys into the car's keyhole as the threat looms closer.
"Hey, do you mind?"
I'm snapped from my trance as my eyes follow up from his hands, greeting his irritated expression.
"My bad, bro." I reply, redirecting my gaze away from him.
He goes back to typing, and I wonder what he's even texting about.
Who is he, anyways?
An asshole, for sure. But what else?
I've seen him around school; he seems to know quiet a few people. Seems to always have an audience, laughing and cracking bombshells as everyone else laughs along.
I guess you could say he's popular.
As someone who wishes to find friends and well, A semi normal life, I think it would be useful to have someone who knows so many people.
I clear my throat.
"This is a boring-ass class." I comment to him, slightly over an average whisper.
"Honestly." He huffs an answer, keeping his eyes on his phone.
We fall silent again.
I find it seemingly hard to try and get a conversation going, as I feel as if I was to continue such a talk, I would only get a one word responses, if any at all.
I sigh in premature defeat, shifting my attention back to the presentation.
~Darryl~
I can't stop thinking about him.
'I love you.'
The thought replays in my mind dozens of times, making my heart pound with glee.
Someone loves me.
I'm not sure why the meer thought had me in such a twist, bringing tears to my eyes, and my heart pounding for more.
It made my brain melt; leaving me in stuttering stupidity.
It was only a kiss. A few words. Barely a sentence.
Yet here I was.
Tied at the idea of him doing it again, at meerly seeing his face.
My mind raced with fantasies, all I had dreamed of doing with someone, such as going to the movies, or walking along the beach.
His smile had me encaptured, leaving me dubiously grinning along in the fantasy, laughing with such a level of joy I had never felt at such a magnatude.
" -arryl, Darryl?"
My mind snaps back.
"I see you're back from your trip." My teacher huffed, soft giggles echoing throughout the classroom.
The warmth in my stomach faded, leaving me cold, awoken to a cruel, numb reality.
"Do you mind answering question 3?"
"Yeah." I sighed, looking at the question.
"The answer is B."
"That is correct. Good job, Darryl."
I sighed, before submitting myself back to my more preferable reality.
...
Here we sat at lunch, talking normally, almost as if this morning didn't happen.
It was so casual, yet had me buried in layers of fascination.
I lingered on every word, every physical quirk that came with, his eyes, complexion, and every slight pronunciation that came with his soothing voice.
"Darryl?"
His voice saying my name had me transfixed, captured. I watched his face, slipping into a dissociation slope.
"Darryl, are you okay?"
"Oh, what?" I snap back, finding his face displaying some form of concern.
"Did you hear anything I just said?" He chuckled.
"I..I-um..."
He sighed.
"It's okay. I zone out a lot too." He admitted. It brought a certain sadness to me, him having said it in a subtle tone of disappointment, and I knew too much of the pain he had felt in that moment.
"No, I'm sorry. It's my fault." I say, looking down as some sort of escape from his disappointed gaze.
"No, really, It's okay." He said, putting his hand on mine.
My heart jolted, the overwhelming feeling of warmth spread throughout me returning.
"Hey, Zak?" I said with sudden confidence.
"What?"
"Did- Did you really mean it when you said you loved me this morning?"
He suddenly looked as if he was taken aback, surprised at the question.
"I...Of course, why would you think otherwise?" He asked, concerned.
My heart sunk at his frown, guilty at the meer thought that had even asked him. My hand retreated from his, keeping them close to myself. He probably thought I didn't trust him- gosh, why do I have to be so stupid?
I nervously opened my mouth again, keeping my hoodie strings in my hands.
"I, it's just, well, most people who tell me don't really mean it...."
I felt overwhelmed with emotions, flashbacks to everything that had once happened to me, my father, all those kids from- God! Me and my freaking mouth! Why did I have so to be so fucking useless? I felt unwanted tears fill my eyes, before I embarrassingly wiped them away, almost as if I could hide the fact I was crying.
He only sat there, his face telling of his contemplation, his arm hesitantly reaching for mine.
"Listen, Darryl." He started softly, getting up from his side of the table to mine, putting his hand on my shoulder as he took a seat.
I sat there, sniffling and shaking like a child, a useless and immature child, crying for something as materialistic and dumb as a toy.
"It's okay, it's okay." He comforted quietly, a strong contrast from the bustling cafeteria around us.
His arms shifted to a hug, holding me close as he rubbed my back.
"I love you, okay?" He softly spoke.
The words stirred life within my heart, feeling once again revived, even if it was guilt ridden.
"I'm sorry I doubted you." I said back, matching his soft words.
"Don't be. I know how hard it is to trust people." He said, squeezing me tighter.
We sat there for a moment, one that I wished had lasted longer, yet felt decades long within the confines of my own mind.
"Are you gonna eat that?" He asked, maybe minutes after, as I had lost track of time.
"You can have it if you want." I shrugged. It was only school food.
"Are you sure? I haven't seen you eat anything today."
My heart sank.
"I-I had a big breakfast. You can have it. It's okay." I pushed on.
"If you say so," he said, before chomping in my green apple.
...
~Zak~
Maybe this whole fake love thing isn't too bad.
I mean, I do have to actively lie to a pretty nice guy but it's not like it's a whole lie.
I think he's kinda cute.
Sure, it's not love, but at least it's something.
Besides, we got a pretty good thing going here for now.
He tells me I'm cool and stuff and I tell him I love him. It's a win-win all around.
It's the end of the school day; science.
He sits prominently in his chair, paying every ounce of attention he can spare watching the teacher go on with her presentation.
He's so different from me; a kid who knows his shit, who can pay attention and get good grades.
I can never focus.
Before even a word of instruction gets to me dissociation kicks in.
Perhaps this is what life gives you with a past like mine.
A pat on the shoulder and fake smile before shoving you into deeper waters.
Couple abusive parents and a shit load of aggression does you wonders in the school fuck-up category.
I really do try, at least I have been as I've gotten here, but it's like a switch needs to be flipped to properly pay attention.
It's like the focus part of my brain is turned off; inaccessible.
And before we know it, we're packing up.
Darryl stands and pushes in his chair, before offering me a kind smile.
I was right. He is cute.
I give him one back as we head for the door, finding our way into the hallways.
His hand brushes my arm, almost as an indicator to hold hands.
This is what people who are in love do, I'm sure.
My hand takes his.
Usually when I've taken people's hands, only reference being my third grade girlfriend, they've been sweaty and gross.
But not his.
It's warm, cozy and doesn't have the icky grease that's usually to come with the package deal.
It's nice, really.
I hope Darryl really can find someone that loves him someday. He deserves much more than anything I could ever offer him.
We walk outside, me opening the door for him.
"Thank you." He smiled.
My heart warmed at the gesture.
"So do you take the bus or something?" I ask.
"Usually. But I can walk." He said, looking at the kids crowding around the buses, long lines forming.
"Are you sure?" I ask. " I mean, I don't think our houses are that close- if they are at all. What road do you live off of?"
"Park Avenue. What about you?"
"I'm not too far from there." I answer.
"I'd be down to walk."
"Okay! Lemme tell my mom." Darryl replied, pulling out his phone.
"Would your parents be okay if you came over? Or, I mean, would you?"
"Of course I do." I smile. "And don't worry about my parents, they aren't home often and probably wouldn't give a shit where I'd go even if they were."
"Language!" Darryl huffed
I'm taken aback, before chuckling.
"Language?"
His shoulders tightened.
"I don't really like cuss words." He mumbled, embarrassed. Must be something he's insecure about.
Again, cute.
"Oh okay. I'll try not to." I answer, smiling.
"I'd appreciate that." He smiled.
We kept walking, a bit off campus, our arms swinging as we walked on, hands grasping one another.
It was nice; we talked, joking about earlier, and making general light hearted small talk.
But it was over once a certain rat decided to reappear.
"Well If it isn't the two Fags." A familiar voice sneered.
We turned around, Allison standing in the middle of the abandoned road, hands on her hips, grinning.
Her eye was still bruised, deep variation of blues and purples.
We've been off campus for awhile; does that mean she followed us all the way out here? Why? And she didn't bring any backup? Doesn't she expect me to do what I did yesterday?
"God, What do you want?" I ask.
"So you know how you did what you did yesterday?" She asked, picking at her nails, acting too good.
"My parents weren't too happy with their perfect daughter getting bullied at school," Her eyes flashed towards ours.
"So I want to make a deal. You don't fuck with me or my life and I won't fuck up yours" She stated, looking to me.
"And how could you fuck up my life?" I scoff. I've barely even made eye contact with anyone outside of Darryl.
"Well, it only takes one search to know what you did, Zak. I found you in the school system by what I could remember from your face and googled you. Apparently this isn't the first time you've assaulted a fellow student." She smiled deviously.
My heart dropped.
No way she fucking found out about that.
"Breaking a poor kid's nose... Not good for your record, Zak."
No. Fucking. Way.
"And assaulting a female classmate just a year after! You're just trying to end up in jail!"
"Shut up." I huff. Her fake tone fucking with my nerves.
"You'll end up just like your father, Zak."
"SHUT UP." I grit, my blood beginning to boil.
"Or what? Are you gonna assualt poor little defense less me? Again?"
My mind began to split with anger, before Darryl stepped in front of me.
"Allison! He said shut up!" Darryl yelled.
"Oh? What do you want, you little fucking faggot? Are you gonna bore me to death with your math equations?" Allison mocked. I watched Darryl's fist tighten, his face shift with anger.
"I had enough to with your- your bullshit, Allison!" He snapped, approaching her.
"So? You're just a fucking math nerd with no social life besides that rando. Stay in your fucking lane."
A gasp; the sound of a slap of skin echoing throughout the dead road.
Allison stumbled back as Darryl stood over, breathing heavy, disbelieved at the sight of what he's done, the power he had rocketed into her jaw.
"Holy fuck!" Allison hissed in shock, cupping her red cheek. "Looks like someone's grown some balls."
"You can go fuck yourself." Darryl spit, speaking a dangerously soft tone.
"Oh, says you!" Allison huffed. "All this time I've been right about you, Darryl. You're a fucking failure. Nothing more than an algebra nerd. An antisocial dipshit desperate enough to only land with those who'll use him." She spat, glancing in my direction.
"And what about him, huh? Have you done his homework yet?"
Darryl took a step back at that, and I could see the tears beginning to roll down his face, the hatred of himself resurfacing under her abrasive reminders, before giving me a guilt ridden glance.
His pain relit the dying fire within me, my heart pounding.
"You're wrong." I said, stepping up to join the two.
"Darryl is much more than an algebra nerd; much, much more. He has been nothing but kind towards me even when I was the black sheep."
Darryl smile sadly; as Allison only looked more disgusted.
"Of course you two faggots are this fucking cheesy. A lonely nerd and the son of a rapist. What a classic!" She sarcasticly huffed.
"God, didn't I already fucking tell you TO SHUT THE FUCK UP?" I yell.
"I guess uncontrollable anger just runs in your family." Allison grinned maliciously. "I mean, just look at you fa-"
A shriek broke the air.
My fist burned; my breathing trying to catch up with the rate of my heart.
Allison rubbed her nose, her eyes growing wide at the sight of blood as she lay unprotected on the ground.
"You don't fucking talk to me like that." I breathe, looming over her, the blood pumping within my arms ready for her execution.
Fear; the glint in her eye told me of everything; her face flushed with panic.
She only lay there, propped up by her left elbow, panting softly, eyes silently pleading for her life.
How adorable.
The cost of her life will pay the price of all the mental damages she's ever caused. All the pain that's fucked Darryl over.
I was swift; A kick to the stomach- in which she let out a pleading cry; fueling my desires to hear more of her pained calls.
And there it was; the addicting feeling of adrenaline creeping up my spine, the dizzying excitement racking at my brains, rolling up and down my body is warm waves.
It was thrilling.
My mind blurred; rushed punches and kicks uncontrollably powered on as my arms felt as if they were steel, breaking and cracking all they could touch.
"Zak." A voice called.
My trance broke; my eyes momentarily catching the glimmer in Darryl's own, a light tear streaking down his face.
"Kill her."
My heart was doused in gasoline; and Darryl had been the one to drop the match.
Allison looked to me; consciousness fading.
I smacked her awake; her eyes fluttered open brokenly.
Her nose was bleeding, the blood trickling down her face.
Broken memories returned; flashing.
He lay pinned underneath me, blood dripping from his nose, trickling down his lips and onto the sidewalk.
His shrieking was annoying; his broken cries for help only fueled my anger further, each punch getting stronger with the swing.
My bloody hands opened, presenting themselves to my vision, shaking violently. The vision was vivid, cutting between the two imagines with immaculate speed as you would in a movie.
My knuckles burned, with what I didn't know was my blood or his. Maybe it was a mixture of both.
Allison was on the brink of life; her eyes being to grow pale, as she bled out slowly from her oddly bent nose and the head injury I had assumed I had given her under my craze.
"You're a fucking bitch." I tell her, knowing she was mostly already gone.
Darryl came over, grimly looking to the girl who was once his bully. He was shaking, and I could tell he was trying hard to keep it together.
"I hate you. I hate you so much!" Darryl spat, angry tears rolling down his face.
"You're a sick piece of shit and you deserve to die!" Darryl yelled at the dying girl.
Her eyes then faded to a much lighter blue, her body going limp, dying on a dead road.
"Burn In hell." Darryl whispered, staring at the corpse, his nails digging into his palms as his fists shook, before grabbing my arm roughly and running off to what I could only to assume to be his house.
It was addicting in a way, the way my heart beat as the world spun and shook around me with every panicked step.
We could've been caught.
The adrenaline liked such a thought, joyfully tingling up and down my spine playfully, begging for more.
About five minutes later, we made it to the driveway.
We didn't stop till we ran inside, slamming the door behind us.
I caught my breath, my legs burning at the mile run.
I just killed someone.
For real.
Actual murder.
And for what?
That's a dumb question.
It was obviously for Darryl. Gotta keep my support system nice and supported, you know. Without support, what would I do? Well, for one, I probably wouldn't have killed her-
Here I was, trying to bury these feelings and instincts, while Darryl loves me for them.
What a waste it would be to give up something that gives me nothing but goods.
"Do you think anyone-" My breath was taken once again as Darryl advanced on me, caressing my lips with his.
He pushed me into the door, our lips of fire, as well as our hearts.
My hand combed through his hair as he wrapped his arms around my neck.
"I fucking love you." Darryl breathed. His face was a still red, remnants of tears still engraved.
"What happened to no cussing?" I chuckled.
"Oh shut up." He said with a smile, pushing me playfully.
"Okay, but do you think anyone saw us?" I asked, back to business.
"I don't think so." He replied.
"The road was pretty abandoned. Someone could have called the police due to the screaming though- that or they saw us through a window."
"How long was I at it?" I ask.
"A few minutes- maybe about 5 or 6? I'm not sure, I was too paranoid someone was gonna come down the road."
He sighed.
"But you- you were perfect. She's dead, Zak! I'll never have to deal with her ever again because of you."
My heart fluttered at each complement, filling my empty heart with unexplained joy.
The warmth he gave me spread throughout my body, coming in soft waves that only nostalgic food could swirl up in your stomach.
Another hug; another question.
"Did your mom ever reply?" I ask.
"Hmmm?"
"To your text of me coming over."
"Oh!" He pulled out his phone, checking his notifications.
"Oh yeah she did! It was awhile ago though. Lemme just reply real quick so she doesn't worry." Darryl typed.
"What'd she say?"
"She said she's working late tonight and that you shouldn't stay over too late cause you parents might get mad at her."
"Tell her they don't care." I say. "Oh, also,what does she mean by late? Time wise?"
Darryl typed, then paused for a minute.
"She said okay. Also late is 7-8pm ish."
"And you said she's not gonna be home for a bit..?"
"Yeah, she usually gets off at 5 but she's staying till 8 tonight. It also takes her around a half hour to get over here from there, so.."
"That's around 5 hours and 30 minutes for us."
"What do you wanna do?" I ask him.
"I don't know." He shrugged.
"I mean, it's your house." I chuckled.
"You know what there is to do."
"Oh! We could go in my room and watch a movie! Mom recently got me a TV."
"Ooh! I'm down." I reply as he leads us to his bedroom, which is in his second floor. His house is pretty average for a two story, but compared to my humble apartment, it was almost like a castle.
We entered his room. It was fairly neat, the floor being clear, with a few posters hanging on the walls.
There were papers cluttered and spread on his desk, many of them drawings.
"aH! Don't touch those!" Darryl panicked as I picked up the papers.
"Now I gotta see!" I laugh mischievously as he pleads for me to stop.
They were pretty good; this art style was something in the realm of manga, more on the cartoonish side.
"Zakkkkkkkk!" He whined, burring his face in his hands.
"Oh my goodness.."
There was a drawing of what I can only assume to be me.
Especially based off his reaction.
As he saw me pull up the paper, he squeaked, covering his face fully with his sleeves.
My face flushed.
"Darryl, what did you draw me naked?"
"I- NO! THAT'S FOR ANATOMY PRACTICE!"
"YEAH WELL YOU DIDN'T DRAW ME WITH ANY CLOTHES ON!"
"I WAS GETTING THERE! I HAD TO STOP CAUSE I HAD TO SLEEP!! YOU DON'T START WITH THE CLOTHES ZAK YOU DRAW WHAT'S UNDERNEATH FIRST!"
"Likely story." I tease as he groaned in defeat, filing the papers before putting them back on his desk.
I took a seat on his bed, him next to me, legs hanging off.
"What do you wanna watch?" He asked, going through the streaming services.
"Eh, whatever."
We scroll for a bit and eventually settled for an animated movie.
We quietly watched, occasionally making silly comments, before we both relaxed, staying quiet.
Darryl's head leaned on my shoulder as he let out a yawn, his arm wrapping mine.
It was warm; soft, adding to the surreal moment, the soft autumn light illuminating the room, even as the curtains stayed undrawn.
"Hey Zak?" Darryl asked softly.
"What?" I breathe.
"I love you."
The movie was had gone silent in my ears in that moment, my heart fluttering, the overwhelming sense of warmth and nostalgia washing over me, the bottom of my gut alit with passion.
"I love you too, Darryl." I said, looking at him as he turned his head on my shoulder.
Our lips met; however, this was much different then the last time.
My heart felt fiery; almost as the earlier adrenaline had made me feel, and I felt as I could float away without a care in the world, only Darryl by my side.
We grew rougher, me on top, pushing him into the bed, enjoying the moment, as I began to kiss his neck.
"Ah- gosh Zak." Darryl whimpered into my ear, my whole body feeling as it was on fire. I felt better than I ever had, all because of him. He was what my life was for, what made it worth while.
It made me feel whole.
For once my heart no longer felt gaping or artificially filled, no longer had I felt before had been the best it could've gotten.
I felt as if it was melting; the heat frying my heart up into a souffle- a warm delicious souffle that hit just right.
We lay there, cuddling, his body warm against mine, his soft breathing being all the music needed to alluminate the moment further.
I didn't want it to end.
I didn't want to wake up tomorrow, going back to school, dealing with the mess I had made beforehand on the road.
I wanted my heart to stay a souffle- warm and perfect, full with the most comfort anyone would be lucky to experience.
So why did I kill Allison Azhol, you ask?
For him.
For this feeling.
I'd do anything to feel this once more, the warmth, to lay in his bed as he sleeps next to me quietly.
Anything
Anything.
4267 words
Holy fuck did that take forever to finish. I bet it took forever to read too. I got a bit of writer's block during that, hope you thought it was good lol.
Good day my little delinquents.
Go have a a great day :) whether that be today or tomorrow.