♡♡"Everywhere I go my shadow
It follows behind,
Doesn't matter where I travel
My shadow, it finds me.
Something that I've come to realize after all this time,
I can't escape my shadow..."♤♤
Alec Benjamin
Shadow of mine ~
!TW!: Blood, death, gunfire, trauma, loss and mature language ahead. You've been warned lovelies❤
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Jungkook bit on his nails anxiously watching over Yuri who hadn't woken up, as he sat on a chair next to her. They'd lay her down on his bed and she seemed fast asleep.
He regretted not being able to say the stuff he'd wanted to say before she would regain her memories.
"Everything's going to change."She'd told him. That was wrong right? Not everything would.
He'd still love her and she'd still love him, right? They'd still be a happy couple crazy about each other and making the most of what life had to offer-
"Fuck.."he breathed, his elbows on his knees as he passed his hands through his hair.
What if she woke up completely different, what if the memories were so traumatic she'd find it impossible to live with herself?
What if she decided to leave-
He flinched as Yuri whimpered in her sleep, frowning deeply. Standing up he reached for her hand.
"Hey, love, it's okay, I'm here."he said, hoping that maybe she'd hear him but her frown deepened as sweat covered her forehead.
"No.."she whispered and her hand started shaking, before suddenly gripping onto Jungkook's hand, as though asking for strength.
"I'm here, I'm here"he repeated, tightening his grip on her hand and stroking her forehead gently.
They'd agreed with the rest of the band not to tell anyone about all of this until Yuri could tell them more. The others had gone back to their rooms, keeping the secret, and anxiously waiting for her to wake up. One by one they would come check every ten minutes.
Jungkook swallowed, gazing at the young woman with worry. "Please be okay, please be okay."he prayed sitting down on the chair once more.
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"Now shoot."the man said in her ear. Lillian stared at the shadow making their way to their house, humming to themselves.
This was another mission, but this time they hadn't told her the goal until she stood in the shadows, holding the gun.
Her target: a man in his fourties, wearing a costume for work and coming home after a long day.
"I said..."the man whispered with an edge in his voice, "take, the damn shot."
Lillian had never killed before. She had no idea who this was, or what they had done so wrong that he had to be executed.
The song he hummed echoed in her ears, everything seemed to move in slow motion and she felt her instructor's hand dig in her shoulder, pressuring her into taking the shot.
The target kept humming happily muttering to himself how happy he was to finally be home.
"For the last time, 214, fucking take the shot or I take you down instead. I don't train you to think about this, I train you to do it. Now do it!"he pressed.
Lillian felt her hands sweaty and damp. She had to do this, she couldn't freak out. She had to do this
"You have three seconds until the falcon intervenes."he warned.
1... the man approached the gate to his house and Lillian's finger slowly pressed the trigger,
2... the man reached to push the gate, and Lillian closed one eye, aiming...
3... the man stepped towards the gate with a smile on his face, and she pulled the trigger.
The man collapsed without a sound.
Her eyes stared blankly at the pool of blood leaving the body and slowly slithering through the fragments of rocks on the road.
The song he'd been humming burned her ears and suffocated her. She'd killed someone. The easiness of it gave her nausea.
Standing up she tottered, dropping the gun and turned to the grass, throwing her guts out.
Two slaps in the back came from her instructor. His hand pressed against her nape as his lips fanned her ear.
"Now was that really so fucking hard?"he whispered. "But you were too close to get the falcon to do it, so no food no water for the next two days."he added before patting her on the shoulder unaware of the tears which stung her eyes.
The falcon was the code name used for the person meant to finish off the target if something went wrong. It could be anyone, hidden somewhere with a deadline: was the deadline reached, they would take the shot.
Wiping her mouth, Lillian turned to her instructor. "Who was that? What did he do? Why did I have to kill him?"she asked. She was only fifteen.
"Shut your trap. You're meant to do the job not ask questions, 214."
"What, so we get our hands dirty and you don't??"she challenged, feeling sick again. The man leaped to her, grabbing her by the collar and slapping her across the face. "Listen to me, you bitch. The next time you talk to me like this, it's three days with no food and a beating, do you hear me?"
Gritting her teeth, Lillian held his gaze and he let go, spitting on the ground. "Grab the gun and let's get the fuck out of here."
.
.
.
.
Back in the building, Lillian desperately tried to scratch the invisible blood out of her hands. Digging her nails in her palms she scratched hard enough to make it bleed, whimpering as it wouldn't get off. It burned her fingers, especially the one which had pulled the trigger.
"Fuck fuck fuck.."she whimpered, haunted by the memory of his body collapsing, his eyes staring into nothingness and the blood leaving his body. It was a clean shot in the heart, he'd died in the instant.
"Lillian?"a voice called out and she heard footsteps approaching her and the sink she was standing by filled with bloodied water.
"Lily what the fuck?!"Barry exclaimed seeing all the blood. He tried to take her hands away but she pushed him away harshly. "Sod off Barry! leave me alone, I killed him. I killed the guy, there's blood everywhere and I can't get it off"she added scratching on her open flesh.
"Stop, Lily STOP it!"he exclaimed grabbing her wrists and dragging her away from the sink. He forced her to face him, keeping a tight hold on her wrists. "Look at me. You did what they told you to do."
"I could've not done it-"
"That"s suicide and we both know it. And what do we know, he probably deserved it."
"What if he didn't?!"
"Well what if he did. The point is, stop questioning it. Just do what the fuck they tell you to do, don't overthink it, it's our job. We're their minions, we don't have a choice. So next time just do the job, and walk off like nothing happened."
"Easier said than done. I took a life-"
"You obeyed to the orders they gave you. That's IT. All right? You. did. the job."
Letting out a breath, Lillian blinked away the tears burning her eyes as she nodded her head.
"Come on let's treat those nasty scratches on your hands. Gonna be carrying scars here."he noted and led her to the other side of the dorm where they kept all the medical supplies.
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Lillian took the shot, pulling the trigger. She bit on her tongue violently, pushing away the nasty taste in her saliva. She wanted to throw up. The woman was dead. And the kid next to her was left alone crying in terror.
I'm just doing the job, I'm just doing the job.
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"Your target is the kid in the red suit." Hiding on top of the neighbor building, Lillian prepared her aim now set on the young man making his way out of the other skyscraper. He was a stranger, it wasn't her job to think this through. So she pulled the trigger, made sure her victim was dead by getting the signal from the falcon. She walked away, showing a thumb up to her instructor giving her an approving nod of the head.
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"Three o'clock"Barry muttered pressing on his earpiece. Lillian glanced at the mirror in the shop, pretending to try on some jacket.
She caught sight of the man holding the package and quickly making his way through the station.
"On it."Lillian responded, chewing on her gum and smiling at the woman from the store with a shake of the head.
"Not my color, but thank you."
She exited the store, beginning the chase, keeping her cap on her dark hair. A small smile invaded her lips. Aside from executions, they were given all sorts of mission, and these kinds were the most exciting.
This was a game to her. Chase the man or woman, get the package or get the information, report back and get to the van.
Easy peasy.
They'd get into an occasional fight if the target had some backup help but nothing they couldn't handle. She kept going, never losing sight of the man, and followed through the maze that was the station.
She hopped in the train he took, getting in the car right next to his and keeping a low profile. Glancing at the man she noticed another guy standing beside him, a tight grip on his arm and she rolled her eyes.
He'd gotten himself a night courier who locked eyes with her the moment the train stopped. The door opened and closed without any of them moving.
Lillian edged herself closer to the target who was staring at the doors wide eyed, and legitimately scared for his own life.
Their package was their goal, they had a project behind, they needed to get it safely transferred perhaps. But not Lillian. All she needed was to get the hand on this package and bring it back.
She had no limits to what she could do and she was good. All of sudden the night courier pulled the man away and towards the door, muttering with some backup technology, probably to a hacker.
Frowning at the movement, Lillian waited before realizing that this was an automatized train, which means it could be hacked. And in fact the train suddenly braked, sending everyone tumbling to the side. The door opened and the man jumped out with his night courier.
"Shit"she cursed, sprinting after them and jumping off just as the doors closed. She couldn't lose this and screw up the mission. It was her first mission with Barry, unsupervised.
She was seventeen and wished to show how much she'd learned, and also, their instructor kept telling them how important this mission was. Little did they know the whole thing was set up as a test.
She sprinted through the tunnels and managed to grab the courier by the collar, pulling him back. The man grunted, tumbling to the floor. But he quickly rolled back on his feet and stood up, facing her.
His eyes were covered with a pair of sunglasses and a black cap threw shade on his face in the already dark tunnel.
Lillian readied herself and watched as the young guy lunged at her, slashing the air with his arms and she ducked at the heavy blow coming her way before retaliating with a hard punch in his jaw. She span on her heels her leg knocking in his ribs and sending him rolling.
The guy stood back up and quickly leaped to her, punching her shoulder and elbowing her in the face. Lillian backed away with a grunt, anger rising in her chest.
"Ow, that actually hurt."she grumbled, glaring at him before dodging another blow and readying her stance.
Her mind calculated his next moves and she blocked another strike, keeping a grip on his arm before twisting it, pulling it in his back and kneeing him in the lower part of his back.
Her arm encircled his throat and she clenched her jaw when he elbowed her in the side, but did not loosen her grip.
Using her balance she span around him, throwing her leg up and kicking him in the face before climbing on top of him in a matter of seconds, legs encircling his throat and she pulled him down, kicking him in the head.
Looking up the young girl noticed the target had ran off and she immediately sprang to her feet, sprinting along the wall and following the messy steps.
The poor guy glanced over his shoulder, holding the precious package against his chest.
In a leap, she was on the man, sliding her leg and knocking it into his, making him lose his balance and fall face first onto the ground. Still holding the package, the man rolled over with a grunt.
"I'll take that"she said, tearing the package from his arms.
She suddenly turned around feeling a presence and watched as the night courier ran up to her, looking ready to fight.
Releasing a sigh she gave him her full attention, ready to retaliate. Just as he cocked his arm to strike, a gunshot made her flinch and blood spluttered on her face, the bullet driving through the man's brain. He collapsed at her feet.
Eyes wide, Lillian whirled around, gun in hand, only to see Barry at the end of the barrel.
"What the fuck?!"she exclaimed. "You're supposed to meet me back at the station to exchange intell, what the hell are you doing here?!
"Easy we're a team"
"Well doesn't fucking look like it, we had a plan!"
"Plans change, love."
"I've got the package I don't need your help here"she stated firmly glancing at the man who was now scrambling to his feet and taking off.
Lillian opened her mouth but Barry whirled around and fired once. The man rolled on the train tracks, the bullet through the heart.
Her mouth closed and she stared at the corpse for a second before turning to the young man. "What the fuck is wrong with you."she breathed.
"Could've done that with my eyes closed"he replied cockily.
"Why would you kill them have you lost your mind?!"
"They were of no use and they'd seen our faces."
"So??!"
"Why are you still so bothered by that kind of stuff? Move on for fuck's sake"
Blood boiling, Lillian took a step towards him, eyes blazing in the dark. Her hand reached for her own face, rubbing off some of the blood with her fingers. Taking another step forward she reached for his face, sliding her hand on his cheek, leaving blood marks all over.
"His blood's on you. Fucking keep it."she growled, venom laced in her voice. She picked up the package from the ground when shouts erupted from behind.
"There!!"
Torches blinded their eyes and they made up a group of men running up to them.
"Shit"Barry cursed and she rolled her eyes. "Safe to say this mission's a complete screw up"she spat before slipping the package in her satchel.
"HEY STOP THERE!"the men shouted at the two who immediately took off, sprinting down the tunnels.
"I know an exit, the one where I came from come on"Barry said running behind her.
"There turn right and mount the scale. There's an opening."
Doing as he said, Lillian climbed up the ladder and pushed the opening door, hopping onto the floor of the station. Barry followed suit.
"Come on, I know the fastest way out. "
The rest of the run was a blur, everything happened so fast, they ran into another group, broke into a fight and managed to escape when Barry once more shot at two of them. The station was so big they barely made it to the end and watched two men run in their direction.
Sprinting to them, Lillian slid on the floor skilfully, knocking her legs into the first one's shin, making him fall flat on his back with a grunt before grabbing a piece of his jacket and quickly wrapping it around his throat, keeping him firmly tackled to the ground and keeping a tight grip on the jacket strangling him. In a matter of seconds, the man was knocked out cold.
Just as she turned around she took note of Barry breaking the other man's neck with a satisfied look in his eyes, only fueling her rage.
They made it to the van, unseen and she grabbed him by the collar, tackling him against the side door.
"What the hell is wrong with you"she hissed, eyes blazing with rage. "Why would you kill all these people?!"
"The fuck's your problem, 214? Huh? You got a soft side now?"he mocked and she only pressed harder on his throat.
"My soft side could slit your throat in a heartbeat if I wanted to. You watch it, Barry. Next time you pull something like that again I won't hesitate to eliminate you."she warned venomously.
The door to the van opened and one of the instructor glared at the pair. "Get in. Both of you."
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Yuri watched as Lillian grew more and more hateful towards her mother, and even more desperate to find her father, intensely convinced that her mother was behind his disappearance and she searched every corner of the facility in search for him.
Roaming inside the memories, Yuri noticed a darker door.
It dawned upon her what it contained... the other doors were red or grey. This one was pitch black.
She understood rather fast what it meant: it was nothing but the door to the most painful and worst memories.
Behind that door lay the worst nightmares of her existence. This would show her where all the scars came from.
Where her heart had gone to... when and why it stopped beating normally. Why it stopped feeling.
She had to look. She had to know...
With shaky hands she pushed the door open and was immediately swallowed in a cloud of darkness. She could hear crying, wailing and screaming all around her.
The clouds were thick and blurred her vision for a few minutes, her ears drowned in the heavy screaming, the shadows of the past moving around, fighting, shouting, killing or screaming... she concentrated on one memory, a shadow looking very still..
After a few seconds, the clouds dissipated and everything shaped into a scenery: a corridor in the facility.
Lillian was there, roaming by that corridor while trying not to get caught. Her steps were careful and she kept glancing over her shoulder. The door was just in front of her.
The cell contained someone, it had to.
After a good minute working on the lock it clicked and the door opened. Heart beating faster than ever she pushed it further opened and entered the cell.
A dim shaky light hung from the ceiling and the room contained a bed and a chair, and there was a window by the bed with heavy metal bars on it.
Lillian squinted her eyes in the dark, making up a form sat on the chair. A man. And not any man. She knew him.
Her heart slammed against her rib cage and her eyes welled up with tears.
"Papa"she murmured recognizing every trait of that beloved face, those wrinkles he'd obviously gained from staying here for too long, his long hands crossed together on his knees, a position he often adopted when in deep thinking.
"Papa"she said a little louder and the man flinched, all slouched on the chair. His face turned to look at hers and no sign of recognition appeared in his eyes.
"Who are you?"
"Papa-"she started, coming into the light as a smile broke onto her face.
"What did you say?"he murmured with a deep frown.
"Papa!"she exclaimed, exhilarated at the sound of his familiar voice, the tears running down her face, tears of joy after searching for so long. She rushed up to him with open arms.
The man stood up, taking a step back. "I'm sorry who are you?"
"Papa it's me! Lillian"she smiled but he only frowned, repeating the name that sounded foreign in his mind.
"I'm sorry do you know me?"he asked, perplexed and she frowned, confused at his behavior. She squinted her eyes, but only shook her head. This was him. This was her papa, her beloved father who'd been taken away from her ten years ago."
"Papa it's me, it's your Lily!"she insisted,growing anxious but he only stepped back with a shake of the head. She stepped towards him, wanting to hug him but his arms gripped hers, keeping her away.
"Papa don't you remember me?!"she exclaimed. "Papa please you've got to know me! It's Lillian remember??"she cried, feeling the tears coming as he kept shaking his head desperately.
"Remember hide and seek, remember the fire?!"she sobbed desperate, "Remember in Seoul-
"No! I don't know you-"
"OH GOD PAPA PLEASE!"she sobbed and the door burst open with her mother flanked with two guards, glaring at the scene.
"What is this?!"
"PAPA PLEASE!"
"Lillian!"the woman cut harshly before turning to the two guards. "This child has no father and this man is a criminal. Take her away."
"NOO"Lillian screamed as they approached her. She kept a tight grip on her father, desperate to hold him and have him recognize her but the man kept shaking his head with a few "I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about."
"NOO PAPA!"she screamed at the top of her lungs as the men grabbed her from behind. She whirled around, kicking one in the shin and throwing a neat hard punch in his face before jerking her hand at the other's throat making him choke on himself.
Tears ran down her face as she turned to her father once more and pleaded. "Papa please, I beg of you-"
"I don't know you! Stay away from me!"the man exclaimed and took a step back.
Her heart broke into pieces at his words and she stared at him, flabbergasted, left wondering what in the world had happened for him to forget her existence.
"Stay away from me! I don't know who you are! Stay away from me, stay away!"he repeated like a mad man and she didn't move, feeling like her heart was on fire.
"Take her away."her mother repeated to another guard. Giving some resistance Lillian poorly struggled until she felt a stinging sensation in her shoulder. The tears kept rolling down her face. Everything had fallen apart. Everything that she'd held dear had vanished, leaving her alone to face this harsh world with nothing to hold on to.
The room started spinning and she felt her limbs grow heavier and heavier as she sank to the floor, groaning in pain and overwhelmed with heartbreak.
"Papa...."she whimpered like a small child, curling into a ball on the floor.
She could feel the guards shackling her wrists and carrying her. "Papa.."she whimpered once more before everything went black.
.
.
.
.
"28...., 29...., 30...."the man counted as he held the bloodied whip in his right hand. "31"the whip went down again, scratching into her flesh and tearing it open.
She screamed out in utter pain, pulling on her shackles as hard as she could, discarding the blood slipping down her forearms.
"32"the man grumbled and struck again, this time her legs gave in and she fell on her knees with a grunt, eyes shining with tears she could not hold back.
But she lifted her gaze to throw a salted glare at her mother on the other side of the glass, watching in blank silence.
Lillian's heart bled, feeling like her purpose had slipped away and the only family she cared about had vanished, rejecting her to the very end.
"43...., 44..."
Her voice was raw from all the screaming and she could not feel her back anymore.
"You broke the rules and almost freed one of our main prisoners "
"He isn't a prisoner! He's my father! And you destroyed him you disgusting bitch!!!"
The slap merely moved her. Her cheek burned but she still glared harder, wishing for that woman to be nothing but a pile of ashes on the floor.
"That's enough. You'll be punished for this 214. 50 beatings for you and no food for two days. That ought to teach you something."
Lillian buried her face in her elbows, too tired to scream and in too much pain to even move an inch.
"48...., 49....,"he whipped her open flesh once more. "50....."
The man stopped and turned to the woman with a questioning look. She nodded her head, allowing him to stop. He grumbled a thank you and grabbed his towel, washing the blood off his face.
Lillian's pale face remained buried in her arms, salted tears making their way down her cheeks. She may be feeling like her whole body was on fire, but her heart hurt more.
It bled and tightened so painfully she wondered about the use of it but pain.
"Stay away from me!" Her father had yelled at her.
She remembered the wonderful time they used to have together. The games they'd play, the park they usually walked through on weekends, her birthdays they'd celebrate, mounting Namsan tower and watching the stars.... and now, for some reason.. he was a complete stranger.
Someone who could only see her as such.
A sob escaped her lips, and she cursed at her heart for hurting this much. Her father, her childhood hero would never come and carry her away from this hellhole. She was alone, at her mother's mercy.
She could count on no else but herself. Heavy arms pulled her up, discarding the deep wounds and unshackled her from the pillar. They dragged her away, ignoring her cries of pain at the brutal movements.
Her eyes met the dark orbs of her mother, and she bit on her lip violently, rage boiling in her veins. Blood filled her mouth and she clenched her teeth hard, eyes glaring harder than ever.
"I'll kill you."she breathed, panting and in too much pain to resist the guards dragging her away.
"I'll kill you..."she repeated like a promise.
And as they threw her in a cell and locked the door, she decided she would set herself a new goal. She would take care of that promise and kill her mother. She would run away from here. She would free her father and they would go back to Seoul, back where it's safe. Back home.
But for now, she needed to survive.
And feeling had made it hard to do so. She needed to shut it all down. Become ruthless.
Keep her eyes on that goal she'd set and think of nothing else. Do what had to be done, and kill who needed to be killed.
Her heart screamed and wailed for her to listen but she shut it down, burying it further down and drowning it into the circles and intricate maze of her mind.
Tears rolled down her face, tears of pain, rage and heartbreak.
One last time.
Yuri breathed out in horror, panting at the horrifying truth. Tears welled up her eyes and she ran, she ran from this reality, she ran from this dark person sat alone miserable, in a cell.
She ran from herself only to find herself in another painful and dark memory. The blackness swallowed her once again.
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Next chapter is gonna be another roller coaster, I hope you're ready..
Love y'all to the moon and back
And btw the tracklist for the 3 CDs came out and I'm beyond excited!!!
Anyways, let's get back to it.❤🥰
Stay kind stay safe
Lovelovelove
Ellie💜🦋