Disclaimer : There is a brief mention of rape and mental trauma ahead in this chapter.
"Are you having a bad dream or something?",he said getting out of his bed and walking towards me.
I rubbed my temples and tucked my messy hair into a bun.....tears dripped down and I didn't want Edward to be seeing them,I don't want him to have any satisfaction.
"Yeah,so what?",I screamed throwing the pillow at his face which he sucessfuly avoided.
"Easy there",he said as he took few more steps.
"I feel like shit right now.....I need to get out of this room",I said and stood up but then something stopped my tracks.
Go ahead and cry little girl
Nobody does it like you do
I know how much it matters to you
If you were my little girl
I'd do whatever I could do
I'd run away and hide with you
He started humming like always but he wasn't looking at me but it looked as if he was humming to me.I was crying afterall, weren't I??
I know you got daddy issues
I sang the melody......it just came out,I wasn't planning on joining the chorus but he did something that could actually distract me from my miserable state.I don't know why he did what he did but it did calm me down.Some songs are made to calm you down,they are comfort,they are home and this song is definitely that.
For some reason,I feel that Edward and I have a similar taste in music for he always hums the songs that I happen to know.Nothing about him is adorable and cute but this little habbit of him can be called cute.The word cute and Edward don't go well.
I spent the rest of the night with Leah and all we did was gossip.My mind couldn't stop going back to Edward......why is he the way he is?There must be a reason.He is a gangster and all but there are bits of him that are good,he can be good too I guess.
"How do you know Edward?",I asked out of the blue.
"He is my brother's best friend",she said nonchalantly.
"You know when he took me,I thought he would beat the shit out of me,kill me or could possibly do even worse but I don't know he is a lot different than those kidnappers that I watched on television."
"He is not a kidnapper in the first place",she said.
"Yeah,but he could be."
"He wouldn't do those things to you.Don't worry.For all I know,he is a gentleman...I have never seen him mistreating any woman.....such behaviour is common in our world but he isn't one of them.He is different in his own way and for sure knows how to respect women",she spoke .
It was around 3 in the morning,I was walking back to Edward's room,the way was a little spooky to be honest and the weather was hazy too.There were dim lights illuminating the path that lead to our room.
The eeriness of the place was somewhat similar to what I felt deep down.One moment you are happy with the love of your life,all happy and colourful and the next moment you are on this ship with people with guns, weapons and God knows what.Deep down I know that this is not going to end anytime soon,Radhika,my so called mother like figure,she is a smart lady,she is not gonna give up anytime soon.If she loved me enough,she would come for my rescue and if not I'm stuck here forever.
The path that showed our room smelled like smoke now, someone's smoking.
There he stood in the black with his dark attire and metalic lighter,the smoke filled air was mixed with his scent as I approached him.
"Hey",he said nonchalantly.
"Hi",I said and took my place beside him holding onto the ledge.
"We'll be there by tomorrow,you should pack your things and my things too",he said.
"What are you doing here?",I said ignoring his words.
"Chilling",he said casually.
"No,you are smoking..... seriously.....why do you smoke so much?",I asked him being totally aware that it was none of my business to know why he smoked.
"You know what....,he smirked in the dim light.
"You are the first person to ever ask me that",he giggled scratching his head with the tip of his index finger.
"Let me think...,he paused for a while and began....."It was never a habit before,I used to do it occasionally with Will and Erica and then I picked the habit in between the stress and sadness....this helped me get through it",he answerd genuinely.
"Why do you care anyway?",he said in the end.
"It's just .......Stefan smokes a lot and there are many ways you could die.....just don't die of lung cancer",I said not knowing what to answer.It's not like I don't care,I do care.He made it clear that he was not going to kill me and he didn't cause me any trouble on the ship apart from the sarcastic remarks that run in his blood and so I guess I should be fine with him....it's not like I want to befriend him or something,I just care about him as a fellow human being.
"No seriously..... You have got issues with ciggerates. Do you have associated trauma with this ?? Did someone from your family die because of cancer?", he asked and even in the faint light, his green eyes,for once,showed concern.
"Honestly.....you are the first person to ever ask me about this",I said because cigarettes and I go way back together.
"I get PTSD just by looking at it,let alone allowing someone you care about smoke."
"What is it?",he asked.
"Tell me if you are comfortable with it",he said now placing his hand on my shoulder and piercing his gaze into my eyes.
There is this memory that I always wanted to erase,but it looks impossible.Nobody knows about it because nobody cared to ask if I was okay.Nobody knew that I was lying and sad,I did a good job in hiding my feelings.I knew I could never open up because if I did,that would open the gates for profound guilt for not being able to prevent the whole thing in the first place.I would feel weak and helpless and if I ever opened up to someone,what would they do?Like seriously......they can't go back in time and stop it,can they?
Tonight,here with him,I don't feel the same anymore.I want to tell him why I hate ciggerates so much.He is the first person to ever ask me that and right now I'm in a dark dark place,both physically and mentally and if talking to someone about it would make me feel better,I would do it even if it's Edward.He is not pushing me or anything,he nudged me gently at my shoulders and that action alone made me comfortable,it made me feel safe.
"I was 10 probably....I started tears have already welled up in my eyes.What I'm doing right now is not easy because it took me years to speak about it and now when I was finally doing it,I was proud of myself.
"I had an uncle,a distant relative of mine,he would come every weak and bring chocolates......I stopped mid sentence and then I broke down....this is hard ....very hard.
"I was only ten and innocent.He had this strange fantasy of burning skin with ciggerates and he would do that every time.....every fucking time he raped me",with that I almost crashed into him and tugged his shirt tightly with the moisture from my eyes wettening his shirt.
He hugged me back and then he gently caressed my hair and my back. It was comforting.He didn't speak a word but the silence was comfortable.
"Nobody should face this", he broke the silence holding my face with both his hands towering over me.
"I'm proud of you",he said and kissed me on my forehead.
And with tears in my eyes I smiled for the time in what felt like weaks.
"Where did he hurt you?", he asked with pure concern.
"Whichever spot that pleased him....face,hands thighs,ankle",I smiled through the pain.
"I'm so sorry",he said and pulled me back into the hug,he held me tighter this time.
I don't know how long we stood there embracing each other until Edward broke it humming
I got harder I got smarter in the nick of time
Honey I rose up from the dead I do it all the time
I have a list of names and yours is in underline
I check it once and then I check it twice
Like all the other times,I joined him in the chorus
Ohh look what you made me do
Look what you made me do.
Seriously this man has the ability to come with the best songs that suit different situations.
"I think you should get some sleep",he spoke as we walked into our room.
"I don't think I can sleep anymore......
"Then we are watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S,it'll cheer you up for sure",he said switching on the television.
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Hello everyone!
So lately I have been very irregular in updating chapters and I don't know why.I just didn't feel like writing at all and so may be I was a taking a break.I will try my best to update one chapter every weak.I have actually been very busy with med school, hospital,studies,friends etc etc. but I'll try to post a chapter every weak.
See ya soon!