When the clock strikes seven pm, I can't sit still any longer. Jace is still sleeping soundly beside me, but I'm glad when he turns away and I can move my legs again. Before I start another episode of Queer Eye, I decide it's time for me to get up and get some things done. If we're going to be here for the next ten days at least, this place needs some cleaning and some groceries. Maybe that might help Jace feel a little better, even when he's miserable. I try to be as quiet as possible when I get out of bed and get dressed again. Even though I'm anxious to go out by myself, I know that it's something I have to do.
Grabbing Jace's car keys from the counter, I'm sure he won't mind if I take his car. The groceries will be too heavy for me to carry for the following days. On my way downstairs, I already try to take a mental note of things we need and meals I can prepare easily. I'm not sure how Jace's appetite is going to be, so I go for easy and healthy meals. I think of grabbing some fruit and ginger, two things that always help me get better when I'm sick. Then again, Jace is going through drug withdrawal, he's doesn't have the flu or a cold. Whatever, it might help him anyway.
I unlock Jace's car, get inside and pull the seat forward. Soon after, I reach the huge grocery store not too far from our apartment. My legs feel a little weak as I'm grabbing a shopping cart, and I'm getting slightly nervous about picking up my long list of things all by myself. It's okay, Mila. Nothing will happen to you. And even if, there are plenty of people here that will help you. I keep repeating that sentence over and over, and surprisingly it makes me feel a little better. Walking through the store aisle by aisle, I grab everything that we could possibly need these next few days, from bread, to fruit, to pasta, veggies and more. Obviously I know that I'll have to return to the store again, but I'll be happy to avoid it for as long as I can.
About twenty minutes later I have everything we need and head to the checkout. For some reason, waiting in line always makes me the most anxious. I'll feel like I have to stand in place and it's not as easy to leave anymore. My heart starts racing when I empty the shopping cart, but I try to endure it as good as I can. I feel a little relief when it's my turn to pay, and I take a deep breath once I arrive outside. It takes me a little while to put all of the groceries in Jace's car and I already know that I'll have to take a few trips to carry them upstairs at home.
The car ride back is not as bad as the drive to the store, but I still feel relieved when I arrive at the apartment. I decide to take the things that need to be refrigerated up with me, the rest I can grab later. With one paper bag in my arm, I unlock the door quietly. As presumed, Jace is still sleeping and I again wonder how many drugs he took earlier. If I wouldn't see him breathing, I'd be worried about him. I store the groceries in the fridge neatly, careful not to wake Jace, and notice my own stomach rumbling. Before starting dinner, I return to the car to grab the rest of the food. When I arrive back upstairs for the second time, Jace is wide awake, scrolling on his phone. He looks at me as I put the bags on the kitchen table.
"There you are. Where'd you go?" he asks, and I see that he still isn't doing really good.
"I went to pick up some groceries for us" I answer quietly, noticing Jace's still dilated pupils.
"Really? Thank you for that" he says, rubbing his eyes.
"I took your car, I hope that's okay" I say, knowing that it was.
"Of course. I barely even fucking use it nowadays" Jace says, letting himself fall back onto the bed again.
"How are you?" I ask, seeing that he's struggling with himself.
"Still pretty fucking high" he admits and I nod my head back at him, even though he's not looking at me. "I'm really sorry, Mila. That was fucking dumb today, I should've just started cold turkey. And I wasn't honest with you, I know lowering the doses is not fucking doing anything for me" he says, and I feel glad that he's admitting it towards me.
"I know, Austin already told me" I whisper back.
Jace covers his eyes with his hands, and I'm not sure if he's crying or not. "I'm just scared, a fucking coward" he admits quietly. I walk over to the bed and sit next to Jace. I remove his hands from his face with my own gently, to see that he's not crying, but his eyes are definitely slightly wet. Jace goes back to resting his head on my legs, and I go through his hair with my fingers.
"I'm sorry that I can't help you, but I'll be here with you every step of the way" I tell him quietly, laying my hand on his cheek softly.
Jace closes his eyes for a moment, before opening them again. "Are you sure? It'll get fucking messy, Mila" he says seriously.
I nod my head right away. "I'm sure" I tell him, and I see gratitude on his face.
Jace brings his own hand to my cheek and lets it linger there for a while. I look into his eyes and enjoy the moment. "You have no idea how badly I want to kiss you right now" he says honestly. I know that he's not exactly asking for permission, but I don't know what to answer. My cheeks turn red slightly, I feel it. I'd be lying if I said I don't want him to kiss me. It's one thing amongst others I've been dying to feel over these past few months, but these circumstances don't make it easy to just let them happen.
Jace removes his hand from my cheek with sorrow in his eyes, before leaning himself up again to sit upright. "Are you hungry? I can make us something to eat" I ask him, noticing how empty my stomach is.
"Sure, I'll help you cook. I need to get out of this fucking bed for a while" he answers. Normally I'd decline out of politeness, but I see that he needs to help today, do something with himself instead of thinking about doing more drugs.
"Okay" I whisper, and we make our way into the kitchen. I grab the carrots and a peeler, and hand both over to Jace. "Here, you can peel these" I tell him.
Sometimes I forget how good of a cook he is. He looks effortless, doing the task I told him to. I take the time to boil some water for our spaghetti, and prepare the sauce for lentil bolognese. I remember that Jace used to like this every time I made it.
"This is the first thing you ever cooked for me" he says, a light smile on his face. Of course he remembers.
"Yeah, I know" I tell him, smiling back at him. I place two plates on the kitchen table, and soon after our food is ready to eat. Dinner isn't filled with a lot of conversation, but thankfully it's not awkward either. I think both of us just have to get used to the other being around again, and for some reason I can't get the fact out of my head that Jace is still high.
I wonder how these next few days are going to go, but I don't talk to him about it. He's probably more nervous about them than me anyway. Staring at Jace's empty plate, I didn't even notice that I've barely touched my food. I quickly resume eating, and I notice Jace's attention on me.
"Would you like to watch a movie?" he asks me quietly.
Checking my phone, I see that it's almost nine at night, and I like the idea of settling down with a little tv. Maybe it'll distract me from my thoughts. "Yeah, I'd like that" I say, finally finishing my food.
Jace looks happy about it, but he looks weak and exhausted at the same time. I stand up from the kitchen table and put our dishes in the sink, making a mental reminder to clean them in the morning. Jace has disappeared in the bathroom, and I hear the shower running. I decide to put on a big shirt of Jace for me to sleep in. Might as well, since both of us will probably fall asleep during the movie. I look at the couch and see that Jace's pillow and blanket are still laying on it. I grab them and place them on the bed next to mine. I'd be lying if I said I don't want Jace sleeping next to me, and maybe it'll be nicer for him too, not having to lay on the uncomfortable couch. It's a win win situation.
"What are you doing?" Jace asks me, as he emerges from the bathroom in briefs and a new t-shirt.
"Putting your sheets where they belong. We can share the bed, I'm fine with it" I let him know, knowing this will make him happy. And so it does. Another slight smile appears on his lips, as he makes his way over to me. He doesn't hesitate, he places a hand on my face to hold me steady, before planting a kiss on my cheek. His lips for longer than usual, and I'm enjoying his touch just as much as he does.
"Thank you" he whispers, before pulling away.
It pains me, that he thinks he has to thank me for such a little action. Yet, I guess this is bigger for the both of us than one might want to admit. "Of course" I answer quietly, before disappearing in the bathroom myself. I quickly wash my face and brush my teeth, before heading back outside.
Jace has already made himself comfortable on the bed and it seems like he already picked a movie. I get in beside him, and feel homey right away once I feel the warmth radiating from Jace's body onto mine. "Is this okay?" he asks me quietly as he gently places his hand in mine after starting a random movie.
I look at him with more pain in my eyes. "You don't have to ask" I tell him sincerely. Jace nods his head briefly, before both of us get comfortable. I think we're about halfway through the movie, when I feel Jace's breaths getting deeper. He's fast asleep, while I still feel wide awake. I decide to close my eyes, but let the movie keep on playing in the background. It might help me to shut everything else out and actually get some sleep. Yet, I still wonder what to expect in the morning and in the next few days in general. All I know is that it'll be hard for the both of us, but especially for Jace.
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How do you think the withdrawal is going to go?
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