--ʏ/ɴ--
𝙰𝙵𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝙷𝙴 vanished, the song having ended, I didn't feel like dancing anymore. Obviously attempting to replace the strange spark I'd felt with another boy wasn't working; I'd never been the type to fall for anyone so quickly. It'd taken me an awful long time to even get this far with my feelings for Kelly, and it had taken weeks on the plains.
So the only option I could see-- seeing as ignoring said feelings didn't seem to be helping much, although I would consider that a backup-- was confronting them. Maybe explainin' everything out would help me realize how silly the whole thing was. Or maybe it would have the entire opposite effect and I'd end up convinced by his charms. But much as it rankled to say it, with the way he was looking at that girl earlier, I was pretty sure I'd slipped his mind. So this was a good time to do this, a good time to rebut my feelings once and for all.
This was what spun through my mind as I slipped out of the ring formed by makeshift seats around the fire, just on the outer side of its glow as my feet carried me in the direction he'd had to have gone. Excuses, promises, reasons for the path I was taking, conclusions I was drawing in order to see him, talk to him as myself. And deep down, I think I knew just what they were.
Although they all evaporated seconds later, when I came upon a small, private grouping just within the bounds of the wagon circle. Young folks, all of them, gathered around a small fire, talking and laughing. All grouped into couples, sitting what I (along with the proper ladies back East) would call too close to each other. I was behind a wagon, not near enough for anyone to see me with their eyes brightened by the fire. And they weren't exactly looking around, anyway, which gave me a chance to observe. Most of them I didn't recognize, but as my gaze flicked around the fire I saw Emma with the boy who'd asked me for a dance earlier. She was blushing, and looked remarkably enamored for someone who couldn't have been talking to him for more than twenty minutes. But he'd seemed like a decent enough boy, and Emma was tougher than she looked, so I'd no concerns for her safety. My eyes dwelt on them for longer than necessary though, finding a brief moment to smile at how they talked so excitedly together. And yes, perhaps I was stalling, postponing the moment when I'd have to look on, see what I could already somehow know.
I couldn't bring myself to leave without knowing, but it was without my permission my eyes strayed onwards around the circle. And there he was, Jack Kelly himself, and there she was-- heavens above, she was practically in his lap.
I'm not proud of the jealousy which shot through me at that moment, but I can happily say it was replaced quite quickly with self-righteous anger. Well, perhaps 'happily' is the wrong choice. The point was, if he was so willing to cast me aside so quickly, after all of his flirting, I wasn't going to stoop so low as to return his so-called feelings. Unfortunately, it seemed my heart didn't get the memo we were done with him. That was, until I saw the girl tug lightly at his bandanna-- that stupid, stupid bandanna-- and pull his head to hers.
I'm not quite sure what happened next, as that was when my heart sank to my stomach, apparently done with the drama of the past few days. I stepped back, the noises of my boots echoing so loudly in my ears I was surprised nobody heard it. I'd find out later they had, scrambling into decent positions in case it was some fully grown authority figure, but it wasn't as if that mattered to me now. I'd washed my hands of him fully, and done what I'd intended to do all along-- rid myself of any persistent belief I'd had that I could somehow work around his trouble, somehow make things work.
No, I'd no need for him anymore, and I was completely finished with him and his big brown eyes. There was no place for Kelly in my dream. So why was I feeling like a wheel had been stolen from my wagon underneath me?