When I woke up on Wednesday morning everything hurt. My whole body felt weak, like all the strength and energy had been sucked out of me. I opened my eyes slowly and was met with blinding sunlight streaming through my window. I blinked, waiting for my eyes to adjust. As soon as they did I took in my surroundings as I tried to recall what had happened last night. I remembered Nicole coming into my room and us talking and then—
"You're up."
I almost fell out of bed when I heard the voice, but someone caught me before I could. I looked over to find Matthew seated next to me on the bed, his arm wrapped firmly around my shoulders, keeping me from tumbling off the bed onto the cold, hard, ground. At first I was confused.
Why did I feel like I had been run over by a truck? And what was Matthew doing in my room?
I was about to ask him what had happened, but one look at his face told me everything I needed to know. It was a look of worry, confusion, sadness, stress, and so much more, but I knew what it meant.
"I had a panic attack didn't I?" I asked, trying to piece together last nights events in my foggy brain.
I knew that look all too well. It was a look that was only reserved for whenever me or Cole had a panic attack. He closed his eyes for a few seconds before slowly opening them and nodding. I sighed. I hated panic attacks not only because of how hard they were on me, but because of how hard they were on my family. I knew that whenever I had a panic attack it didn't just effect me, it effected everyone who was involved.
"It was a bad one." He said while shaking his head, his eyes glazing over as he seemed to be remembering the events of last night. "We-we couldn't get you to stop hyperventilating and you looked like you were going to pass out and—" He stoped, taking a second to recompose himself and steady his shaky voice before he finally brought his head up and met my gaze. "I was so scared." He said, his voice barely above a whisper.
My heart broke at the look on his face. He wasn't normally an emotional person, but right now he looked like he was seconds away from breaking down.
Look there you go again hurting your brother. The brother who loves you more than anything. He has given up everything for you and this is how you repay him?
Weak.
Selfish.
Burden.
Weak.
Selfish.
Burden.
Wea—
I took a deep breath trying to pull myself out of my own head as those words kept playing on repeat in my mind. I looked back over at my brother, but instantly wished I hadn't as a few stray tears ran down his face. He tried to blink them away but failed.
"I'm sorry." I said quietly, his head snapping over to me instantly as he met my gaze. "Not just for the panic attack but for everything."
His eyes softened and when he spoke his voice was calm and quiet. "Nolan you don't need to apologize. I know you hate how much we all worry about you, but it's just because we love you, and none of us are mad at you for what happened. None of this is your fault okay?" He asked.
I knew it wasn't my fault, but I couldn't help feeling bad. All the stress and pain they had all went through these past few days was technically my fault. I mean if I wasn't there none of it would have happened right?
But I couldn't tell him that, so instead I just nodded and said, "Okay."
He smiled and gave my shoulder a small squeeze. "Now do you want to talk about what your panic attack was about? We don't have to if you don't want to, but you know sharing things can sometimes help." He said gently.
I hesitated for a moment. I didn't really feel like talking about it, partially because I was worried it might trigger another panic attack, but also because talking about our parents was always a sore subject. Yet, he was right, talking about things did always help, and the pleading look in his eyes told me just how badly he wanted me to open up to him so that he could help me.
"I'll try my best to talk about it." I sighed, making my final decision.
He smiled, giving me a small nod, "Okay. If you need to stop just let me know."
I nodded, taking a deep breath, as I tried to figure out where to start. "Okay, um well me and Nicole were just talking about grades and stuff because she has to write a timed essay in class today, and she was super nervous." I paused, taking a deep breath and forcing myself to continue.
"I was trying to reassure her and help her realize that she had nothing to worry about, so I ended up using all the things m-mom used to say when she was trying to comfort one of us like, "No matter how you do we'll all still love you." and, "Y-you are a child of God and n-nothing can change that." Then um—" I stopped again, taking a second to recompose myself as images of my mom swirled around in my head. "I guess after that I just got lost in memories and-and everything came flooding back. Then my-my mind just started spiraling." I finished quietly, my voice cracking at the end.
I reached up to my face, wiping away the few tears that had making their way down my face. When I looked over at Mathew there was a pained expression on his face, and he looked like he was trying to hold in his own tears.
Neither of us said anything for a few minutes. We sat there quietly while I tried my best to recompose myself. However, Matthew just continued to stare down at his hands, most likely lost in memories.
Just when I was starting to get worried that I had said the wrong thing he finally spoke up. "I-I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know talking about mom and dad can be hard, but I just want you to know if you ever need anyone to talk to you can always come to me." He said, maintaining eye contact the whole time.
I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat before looking away and nodding. The truth was, I did want to talk about my parents, but like Matthew said it was hard to talk about them, and everyone always got emotional when they were brought up. Then whoever brought them up felt bad when they realized there wasn't a dry eye in the room. I don't know it was just hard.
"I miss them so much." I whispered, tears filling my eyes as I looked back over at Matthew.
He took a deep breath, nodding. "Me too. He said quietly, his own eyes becoming glassy. "I know everyone does." He continued. "We all just try to cover it up though and pretend everything is fine. But them eventually something like last night will happen because we've all been holding it in for so long." He said, shaking his head. "I don't know. I understand that it's hard to talk about them, but if we don't we're all just going to end up exploding. Kinda like you did last night."
I nodded, as I contemplated his words. I realized he was right. Even though my parents were a sore subject we still needed to talk about them, and keep their memory alive. Otherwise all of us would eventually just break down and fall apart. Even if you tried to be tough and hold in your emotions they were bound to come out one way or another, and when they finally did it wasn't a pretty sight.
But how were we supposed to talk about them? I mean how would we even bring them up? It had been 4 years. 4 years since that car accident had happened changing our lives forever. 4 years since I had last seen my parents faces. 4 years and still none of us could bring ourselves to talk about them.
Matthew and I continued to sit there, both of us now lost in memories, memories that we had buried deep down, in the farthest corners of our minds.
"Hey, do we still have all of those old video tapes?" I asked, breaking the silence and somber mood as an idea popped into my head.
When we were younger our parents had a video camera that they use to record everything with. It had started when Matthew was a baby and continued until me and Nicole were 11, the year mom and dad died. None of us had watched the tapes since then, but that would be a great way to bring up the topic without having to bring it up directly.
Right?
He had a puzzled expression on his face as he slowly nodded, "Um yeah I think so. They're probably in a box in the basement. Why?"
"Well I was thinking that would be a good way to get us talking about mom and dad." I said quietly. "You know we could plan a night where we all sit down and watch the old tapes. Kinda like in those cringy movies where they all reminisce in the past."
His face broke out into a soft smile, "I think that's a great idea." He said, reaching over and squeezing my hand. "We haven't watched those tapes in years. Plus I bet there's some pretty funny crap on there." He said, letting out a small chuckle.
My lips turned up into a small grin as I thought about all the stupid stuff mom and dad had probably caught on camera. I mean seriously they always had that camera on them no matter where we went. They filmed everything. Like when Nicole and I were learning how to ride our bikes, and when I played my first football game. Or my personal favorite, when Cole was first learning how to play hockey and face planted.
"But really I'm always here if you need to talk about them or anything for that matter. You can always come to me okay?" Matthew's voice snapped me out of my moment of reminisce.
I gave him a small smile, nodding.
"Good. Now why don't we go figure out what to have for lunch." He said, hopping off my bed.
"Lunch? How long did I sleep?" I asked, slowly standing up, trying to ignore how sore my body felt.
He chuckled, looking down at his watch to check the time. "It's 11:57 right now."
"What?" I asked, surprised that I had slept for so long.
I mean I had been tired, but I didn't think I was that tired.
He just shrugged, "You needed sleep. Now hurry up I'm starving."
"I'm coming, I'm coming. I said rolling my eyes and holding my hands up in mock surrender.
I made my way to the door slowly, my body screaming at me with each step. When I finally made it to the threshold of my room Matthew surprised me by pulling me into a tight side hug. "I'm so glad you're okay." He whispered.
I smiled against his chest whispering a small, "Me too." back, but the truth was I wasn't sure if I was ever going to be okay.
*******
I went back to school on Thursday. Luckily not too many people asked me where I had been, and those that did I just lied and told them I was sick. Technically it wasn't a complete lie because I was sick just not the kind of sick most people thought. I think out of all my friends though Lindsey had been the most concerned.
"Oh my gosh you're back!" She said as I walked up to our lunch table. She surprised me by pulling me into a small hug, before taking a step back and releasing me."Are you okay?" She asked, her brows furrowing together in concern.
"Yeah I'm fine now I was just dehydrated and had some sort of bug." I shrugged, taking a seat next to her and placing my lunch bag on the table.
I honestly felt awful lying to her, but I wasn't ready to share everything with her yet. Maybe someday, but not today.
She nodded, chewing on her lip, "You scared me so much when you just collapsed." She mumbled quietly.
I frowned.
Now you've hurt her too. You're so selfish. All you do is hurt people. What a burden.
"I'm sorry." I blurted out, trying to escape the voices.
She looked over at me, a shocked expression on her face. She blinked a few times opening and closing her mouth, seeming at loss for words. "Sorry?" She finally said. "I don't want you to apologize. It's not like it's your fault or you meant to do it on purpose." She frowned. "Please don't apologize, okay?"
I nodded, but somehow just like how I could tell when she was lying, she could tell when I was lying as well.
"Hey, I'm serious please don't feel bad." She had a pleading look in her eyes, and it made me feel even worse. Now she was upset with me.
She seemed to be sensing my thoughts because she lightly put her hand on my shoulder, sending little sparks of electricity coursing through my body.
"I know I shouldn't feel bad, but I-I've caused my family so much stress this past week and I just— I just feel bad." I said, finally opening up to someone about how I was feeling.
It was weird I had only known her for a little over a week, yet I felt like I could tell her anything. She just seemed to understand me.
She slowly nodded as she searched my eyes, "That makes sense." She said to my surprise. "But you shouldn't feel bad. They're your family and part of being family is always being there for each other no matter what." Then she pulled me into another hug this one tighter and longer than the last. I froze as she whispered, "I'm just glad your okay."
My whole body felt incapable of moving as I felt her soft curls against my neck and her small arms wrapped around me. She smelled so good like a mix of lavender and vanilla. It reminded me of spring.
Wait why am I smelling her? We've been over this Nolan you DO NOT need a girlfriend. Lindsay cannot be my girlfriend.
When she finally pulled away I felt 10x better. Just being with her seemed to make all my stress and anxiety go away.
I was about to tell her thank you, but was interrupted by Grayson, Sara, Nicole, and Hailey walking up to our table.
"Hey you're back!" Hailey exclaimed, as she took a seat across from me.
"Finally." Grayson said pulling up a chair. "Do you know how boring it's been without you dude?" He asked.
I laughed and we did get our bro handshake thing.
Nicole rolled her eyes before asking, "So how much work do you have to catch up on?"
I groaned and slumped down in my seat, "Don't get me started." The table let out a small chuckle. "Let's see we're starting a whole new unit in Chem, which I don't understand by the way. I have to write my timed essay in History, take a test in Spanish and English, oh and I have like 20 pages worth of Geometry homework to catch up on. We also just started a new topic so I have no clue what's going on." I said throwing my hands up in the air in exasperation.
"Well I can help you with Chem." Grayson said.
"Yeah and I'll help you with Spanish." Nicole piped up.
"I'll get you caught up on Geometry." Lindsay added.
I smiled. "Thanks guys, I don't know what I would do without you." I laughed.
They really were the best friends, and sister, I could ask for.
"You'd fail all your classes." Grayson said, as I rolled my eyes. "Okay, maybe not all your classes but definitely Chem." He said, giving me a gentle shove.
"Says the boy who literally begged me to help him finish his English paper." I fired back.
He opened his mouth to continue our argument, but before he could Hailey butted in. "Alright we get it you're both kinda dumb and need some help." She said bluntly, earning a glare from both Grayson and me. "Anyway, did you hear Drew McCoy is filling in for you tomorrow night?" She asked, looking over at me.
Drew was a Freshman who was on the JV team but was also an alternate for varsity. He was pretty good but didn't have a lot of experience playing on varsity. I felt a tiny pang in my chest at the thought that I wouldn't be playing tomorrow. I mean I understood why. I hadn't been to practice all week, and honestly I was in no shape to play, but this was the second game that I had missed in a row, and I couldn't help but feel like I was letting my team down.
"Yeah, I'm glad they're giving him a chance to play." I said, trying to keep
my voice even, and not let my emotions show through.
I guess I didn't do a very good job though because Grayson looked over at me with a soft expression on his face. "Hey, don't sweat it okay. Nobody's mad that you can't play. You'll be back out there in no time." He said, giving my shoulder a small squeeze.
I forced a smile on my face and said, "Yeah, I know. I'm sure he'll do great."
The rest of lunch was spent taking about random things from football, to upcoming tests, to what everybody's weekend plans were. Lindsay said she had a Cross Country meet. I thought it would be fun to go, but I knew that with everything that had happened this past week Matthew would probably prefer if I stayed home and got some rest.
When the bell rung, dismissing us from lunch, I waved goodbye to everyone and headed to study hall. I spent the whole hour trying to catch up on all of this weeks work, but it seemed impossible. There were so many assignments to do and so
little time to do them all in.
I could feel the anxiety building in the pit of my stomach, yet tried to ignore it. I took a deep breath and tried to focus on the Chem worksheet I was currently working through, but I just couldn't.
Everything felt like too much. School, football, my cancer it was all too much.
I felt like there was a gigantic boulder that was slowly crushing me, pressing down on my shoulders, getting heavier and heavier with every passing day.
And the worst part was I didn't know how much longer I could hold it up before it came crashing down, leaving me trapped under the rubble, and breaking me to the point where I couldn't be fixed.
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Hey guys! I am so sorry it took me so long to update! I've just been really busy these past few weeks and have been having trouble finding time to write:( I also have finals coming up in a few weeks, so I'm hoping to get some chapters pre written for that week!
Anyway did you guys like this chapter? (I tried to make it a bit longer because of the delay.)
What did you think of Matthew and Nolan's chat?
Would you like to see more bonding scenes between the two of them, or any other characters?
And how about the chat Nolan had with Lindsay, did we like the chemistry?
Let me know in the comments! If you liked this chapter please vote and follow! Also sorry again for
the delay and thanks so much for
your patience and understanding<3
Have a good weekend!
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