Yesterday, something changed. I don't know at what moment this started but I've noticed something different with me lately.
I think it had something to do with the fact that I woke up on the couch in our office, too dazed to realize what was going on. I'm still confused as to why but I realize that there was something different. Something strange.
Ayanokouji Kiyotaka is different from any person I've met in my life. When we first met, he jokingly asked what I would think if I found out that he only gave me my position because of my body. These questions would normally make me uncomfortable. I'm keenly aware that puberty has made changes to me that makes me attractive to men. As a young woman, I can't see why and I don't see the attractiveness myself but I understand the criteria.
But when Ayanokouji Kiyotaka pointed this criteria out, I didn't get offended or upset. It wasn't for any other reason other than his eyes. They weren't lustful or hungry. In fact, they were bored. Just like every other feature about him. He always looks bored.
The only time he doesn't look bored is when he's with Sakayanagi-san. His eyes and features come alive every time he sees her. The doting big brother, whenever I see him look at her, I see a man who would move mountains for her. It doesn't even look like a sibling relationship. It may be because Sakayanagi-san is disabled, but he almost looks like a concerned parent.
Maybe I feel different now for that reason. Maybe it looked as though he was being a father figure to me by looking out for me. Simple things, like noticing that my chair was uncomfortable or if I was hungry or tired. By allowing me to make choices knowing that it would be a mistake but mitigating the consequences so I'm not too affected. I don't think that is the case though, my father abandoned my family when I was young. I don't even know what a good father figure is supposed to be like.
Still, I'm touched that he is so attentive. He seems very aloof but he's perceptive. I don't know the circumstances that he was adopted, but I have noticed things. He's very protective of the people he's close to, borderline on possessive. It's almost as if he's afraid. Afraid that if he doesn't grasp those connections as tightly within his grasp that they may slip away.
It's a constant push and pull with him and I enjoy the playfulness of it. He says he doesn't want expectations but doesn't want people to think badly of him. He gets afronted at the idea of having to have responsibilities yet takes it on himself. His nature of being so against having to do things is endearing, because when he makes an effort it makes those moments far more precious.
That's why things are difficult at the moment for me because I can't understand why this is happening to me. Lately, I've found it difficult to look him in the eyes. I've felt anxiety when I'm away from him. I get annoyed when I see him talk to other girls. I'm not that kind of person to get annoyed so I can't understand where this feeling is coming from.
I didn't want to help with Sudo-kun's case anymore. Seeing him continue to be oblivious to the effort being expended to help him with his case bothered me. I would see him laughing with his friends and at one point yelling at someone for bumping into him by accident. I felt sorry for Matsuo-kun who seemed to be trying so hard to find someone to speak up for him and so I joined him at every opportunity trying to do the same.
I wanted to stop helping him because I knew that it would be a meaningless effort. Even if I was to be able to help him he would still be the same. It hurt me that I was jeopardizing myself and the risk wasn't noticed or appreciated. If it was, he would be kinder to people and show some humility.
I feel guilty for feeling this way. I want to be a good person. If there was someone who needed help, I wanted to be the kind of person who desired to assist them. So I kept these thoughts inside of me and continued to push forward.
I stood up to Ayanokouji-kun so strongly, I didn't want to look like I gave up because it was difficult. I was being stubborn, exactly how he said I was. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction that he was right, so I stayed headstrong. I didn't want him to be right.
I know that Ayanokouji-kun isn't the type to say I told you so. If I gave up he would probably just shrug or be grateful that I was doing less. He's the type to enjoy when people around him are lazy just like him. But I wanted to prove to myself and to him that I was the type to see things through.
That's why at this moment even though I'm surrounded by my classmates, my mind is filled only with thoughts of Ayanokouji Kiyotaka. Trying to compartmentalize what exactly is happening with me and why I have changed in such a short amount of time. It feels as though all the pieces of the puzzle are in front of me but I have no idea where to begin in solving it. I still have no idea what I'm looking at.
"Honami-chan? Honami-chan?" Mako called repeatedly, tearing me from my thoughts.
"Yes?" I suddenly answered. I wondered how long she had been calling me.
"Was I interrupting any lewd thoughts of what you were doing while you were 'sleeping'? Mako grinned.
"Mako-chan! I told you, nothing like that happened," I refuted, completely flustered.
Since the day that Ayanokouji-kun came to take me to the office to sleep, I have been teased incessantly by Mako. I didn't have any control over what happened, I was unconscious. I didn't even realize that I was being moved, didn't even remember going to sleep on the floor of our classroom in the first place.
Why was I being teased like this?
"It's still concerning that we had to pay for you missing half a day of classes," Kanzaki suddenly chimed in from behind me.
"Ayanokouji-kun offered to pay when he got Honami-chan, I told him we'd cover it," Mako defended.
"You should have let him, we are not a charity. Honami wouldn't be so tired if it wasn't for him, we have responsibilities to our class," Kanzaki said back.
This was something that I kept quiet about, I had to make sure that Ayanokouji-kun could never find out about this. It was the one thing that I was so proud of when I spoke about my class to him. To tell him that slowly things were starting to fall apart would be shameful.
Especially because regardless of whether it was his fault or not, he was the reason.
"Class D has no points, they were at zero and even now they're pretty impoverished. Even with the fact that we can have part time work now, I'm pretty sure most of the Class D students are broke. Ayanokouji-kun probably only has whatever Sakayanagi-san shares with him." Mako speculated.
"Again, this is not our issue. Ayanokouji could be the poorest student in the school for all I care, it isn't our problem. He's causing issues for Honami, she can barely stay awake with what he's making her do."
"He's not making me do anything," I cut in defending him. "I chose to do it."
"Then he's manipulating you, Honami," Kanzaki frowned.
"He isn't!" I was getting frustrated. "Why do you hate him? You were fine with him and respected him when he came up with our strategy, you don't even know him!"
"Kanzaki-kun, you should stop it. You're upsetting Honami-chan," Mako tried to stop us.
"Fine," Kanzaki sighed, in defeat. "But when the special exams that people are talking about come around, I will be taking the lead of the class. Honami is too close to Ayanokouji, she won't be able to fight against him properly. I'll be the one to lead us to victory against him."
With that, he got up from his seat and left the room in annoyance.
I did everything not to let it show on my face, but inside I was upset. Upset with Kanzaki because he was tearing apart our class unity, frustrated because I wasn't strong enough to hold us together and guilty that I wanted nothing more than for Ayanokouji-kun to beat him soundly.
It's a terrible thing, I wanted to lose. I wanted for our class to be defeated so that they could see in him the things that I see. Again it was as though another piece was added to the puzzle and I couldn't see how it all fit. Why did I feel this way?
"Well, that was awkward," Mako said jokingly, trying to cut the tense mood.
"I don't understand why Kanzaki-kun is being like this all of a sudden," I said with a frown.
"You're joking right?" Mako asked, baffled. "There's no way... that you could be so dense."
"Dense?" I asked confusingly. Mako continued to stare at me in amazement before shaking her head in exasperation. What was she insinuating?
"Forget that," Mako shook her head, gathering herself before waving her hand dismissively. "Let's do something fun... shirtless photos of Ayanokouji-kun always cheers me up!"
Suddenly, the annoyance that seemed to grow whenever other girls noticed him was back. What was this? Mako-chan is my best friend, why was I getting annoyed at her? I was beginning to get frustrated with myself, I just wanted to understand already.
"Why do you have shirtless photos of Ayanokouji-kun?" I asked coldly. I didn't mean to ask in that manner, but I couldn't stop myself.
Mako grinned almost victoriously at my tone, she wasn't angry. It was becoming frustrating, it was as though everyone else could see what I was trying so desperately to figure out. I wanted to ask her but before I could she took out her phone.
"You don't go on the school boards? He trains in the gym every morning, people upload photos of him and that Koenji guy from Class D. They have a bit of a fan club."
She opened up the photos before passing her phone over to me.
Whatever I was expecting when she said she was going to show me shirtless photos of Ayanokouji-kun, this was not what I was expecting. Ayanokouji-kun wore clothes that were a little bit big on him, it would have been impossible to notice.
His body was not what I expected at all, it was incredible. Lines in places that I didn't even know were possible, like a sculpture made of clay in perfect detail. Before I knew what was happening, I felt my face heat up familiarly, it was as though it was more normal lately for me to be blushing than not.
Looking at the photo, I saw what others couldn't see. While others would see a vain boy who was training for aesthetics, I saw what was really going on here. Ayanokouji-kun was lazy, far lazier than anyone. So lazy that it brought up so many questions as to why. I never questioned it, I just thought it was in his nature. So why would someone who was so against doing anything be so diligent in training? Why wear baggy clothing to hide it if you cared about physical appearance?
It was for Sakayanagi-san. Everything for him was about Sakayanagi-san. I realized it when I saw the photo. He trained himself so rigorously for her, all for her disability. Like he was training his body so that no matter the circumstance, he could be strong enough for the both of them. So that he could carry her when she wouldn't be able to do it herself.
I felt the unfamiliar feeling of jealousy building inside of me. It would be utterly ridiculous to be jealous of someone's sister. Incest is frowned upon and pretty gross. But it wouldn't be incest with them, he's adopted. It wouldn't be grotesque if they ended up together. If I didn't know that he looked at her as his beloved sister, I would think that he was in love with her.
What is wrong with me?
Like I was in a trance my finger traced on the photo and I accidentally swiped to the next photo and I stared at it in shock.
It was a photo of Ayanokouji-kun carrying my unconscious body out of the threshold of the door to our classroom. My face was buried in his chest and he was holding me carefully so as not to wake me up. I don't know how Mako got this picture but it wasn't the only one and the others were from multiple angles.
I could only think that she wasn't the only one who took photos, maybe my other classmates noticed the situation and all took photos. I scrolled through them seeing different pictures and timings but then one in particular caught my eye.
It was one of the worst ones, blurry. Whoever took the photo didn't do a good job of it, it was out of focus like their hand was shaking when they hit the button. I found myself guiltily cursing that person because I wished it was clearer.
Like all the other photos, he was carrying me like I was a princess, like I was royalty. It was a little ironic because I looked like a limp sack of potatoes but he was careful. Out of all of the photos it was the one that caught my eye because of the way he was looking at me.
Ayanokouji-kun was looking at me the same way he looked at Sakayanagi-san, like I was precious to him. I hoped that one day, I could see him look at me that way while I was awake, with my own eyes instead of through a blurry photo.
What was happening to me...?
A/N: I'd like to try something fun if you wouldn't mind. I'm genuinely curious what you guys think if you'd do something for me.
I had a lot of fun writing the SS' and wanted to know which one was your favorite so far, for me personally it's a real toss up between Horikita and Koenji both of them were really fun to write from their perspectives.
Leadership
Public Humiliation
The day my life flashed before my eyes
A lesson from a perfect being
Puzzles
Please let me know if it isn't too much trouble ^^ Enjoy, this will be the only upload of the day, it's a little short but I do have a life outside of wattpad, even if it doesn't seem like it lol