-before anyone reads this chapter i want to be very clear about the content warnings ahead. this chapter deals with talks of suicide and losing family members. if anyone is sensitive to those subjects, i advice very much to read at your own discretion.
-i know i always leave my author's note at the start of each chapter, but i wanted to make sure the first thing anyone read with beginning of this chapter was the content warnings so i'll see y'all at the end in the author's note :) thank you all for understanding <3
-also ignore the typos yall i try LMAO
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jean's point of view
[play i only have eyes for you by the flamingos, trust me yall]
Jean's heart was beating out of his chest.
But in the best way someone's heart could be out of one's chest. Jean had never felt something like this happen to him before, and he hoped it wouldn't go away anytime soon. And it was all because of you.
Not there was any doubt before, but there was absolutely none now.
Jean just had to have you.
You were his and he couldn't stand the thought anymore of you being with anyone else. So he knew he had to do something about it tonight.
Everything about the night you two just had made that invisible string he felt connecting you two tug even tighter. And he had a few ideas for why he could be feeling that.
Maybe one of the reasons to why Jean liked you so much could be the same reasons why he went looking for you the day you fought Annie. It wasn't even his plan to apologize and have all of that happen between you two.
The only thing he was sure of that day was that he didn't want you to be alone and he'd be damned if you felt otherwise.
Something about day changed so much for Jean regarding you. He knew since that night on the cliff, before it all went to shit, how there had to be something else to you. And maybe, as awful as it sounds, Jean watching you do that damage on Annie just cracked your outer shell to who you really were.
And Jean already couldn't get enough of it.
He remembers how quickly you fell asleep in the bathroom that day as you two held each other's fucked up hands. He remembers how sorry he felt for you considering how fast you fell asleep because it probably meant you didn't get any rest the night before so of course he was gonna stay there with you and let you sleep as long as you want.
Jean remembers how beautiful you looked in your sleep and how lucky he felt that he was able to see you look so peaceful and vulnerable. You looked like an angel to him as you dozed off. As he watched you sleep that day, not only was his heart melting into oblivion that you even trusted him enough to do something like that, but it just made him more sure of his promises to you that day.
How he never wanted anyone or anything bad hurt you and how if he was able to, he'd do anything to prevent it from getting to you.
And of course, his promise to always come and find you. How could he not? Jean was really starting to believe you belonged with him. He wasn't entirely sure in what way, but he was sure he just wanted you by his side.
And maybe all of that was the reason behind Jean gently kissing the top of your head before resting his own head on top of yours and dozing off himself in that bathroom that day.
He just hoped you didn't feel it and you were in too deep of a sleep to notice it.
As time passed since that day in the bathroom, Jean just felt like he was starting to run out of time with you.
But that made no fucking sense.
You weren't going anywhere anytime soon.
Jean knew you two had nothing but time so why was he so desperate to make you officially his now?
He just hoped you'd feel the same way he did. And he was certain no one could come in his way anymore. Especially Armin.
What a fucking joke Armin was to Jean now. Everything Mikasa and Armin said to him that night to convince Jean to go along with the plan was ridiculous. And it was all before he knew you a little more. Plus the way the pair worded everything made it sound like you and Armin already had something going on and Jean just talking to you once while trying to help with your ODM gear was overstepping a boundary.
And Jean didn't know what you were really like at the time he did everything he did.
And although now he had given you a real apology he meant, he was starting to understand now how he'd never not feel bad for doing all of that. He couldn't really believe you had even accept his apology even after everything. Especially after the Floch table attempt.
Even after finding out you kissed Armin, Jean couldn't find it in himself to care too much. He couldn't, it just wasn't worth it.
But that doesn't mean he wasn't deeply jealous of Armin and wanted to beat the living shit out of him. Especially when Jean put the puzzle pieces together that Armin kissed you immediately after you, Jean, and Floch's table encounter.
He remembers the night Armin came running in the bunks drenched in rain and how he couldn't shut the fuck up the entire night about kissing you. How apparently the two of you made out and how Armin never wanted to stop.
The worst thing Armin couldn't stop blabbing about? It was how he'd describe your lips. How soft and nice they felt. It drove Jean fucking crazy that Armin got to experience that before he did.
But Armin just talked about you like you were some trophy and he wouldn't stop parading you around unless everyone knew. Armin talked about it so much that night to the other guys that Jean was convinced Armin was more obsessed with the idea that he got to you first rather than just liking you for you.
Fine, you kissed Armin. It happened.
Armin was the first person here you'd kissed. But that didn't matter to Jean. Why would it? It was such a stupid thing to be proud of.
Whatever your firsts may have been didn't matter Jean, even beyond kisses with Armin.
What mattered to Jean was that he would be your lasts.
You and Armin didn't belong together and he was certain you even knew that yourself.
If you didn't know that then, he was certain you knew that from Armin's treatment of you after the fight with Annie.
Jean remembers picking you up off of Annie and the look Armin gave you from the front of the crowd. It was a mix between disgust and disappointment. Like Armin couldn't believe you weren't happy or nice all of the time. And Jean was sure the version of you he saw beating Annie up certainly contrasted from the girl he was kissing in the rain the night before.
Armin probably felt embarrassed that that was the same girl he told everyone he made out with the night prior.
What a fucking moron.
And Jean knew you saw how Armin was looking at you. And he was sure that sealed the deal that you weren't interested in Armin.
Maybe that's why even weeks after it happened and you and Jean made up, you never brought it up him; the kissing Armin thing.
Maybe it just wasn't important to you.
And you were so persistent on always finding Jean after the whole bathroom encounter and asking him when you two could be together alone to hangout throughout that next week. Why would you do that if you liked Armin or anyone else?
Besides, Jean loved the fact you did that, always finding him and asking when you two could hangout. It was just so cute to him.
It made him feel wanted but that wasn't even why he liked it so much. It was because it was you trying to hangout.
Jean also loved seeing you first before you saw him in rooms and he could swear that once your eyes did find him, they'd light up a certain way that was only meant for him. But maybe that was just the optimist in him speaking.
But it was the way how the second you always spotted Jean your legs would start walking towards him, almost like it was instinct that made his heart swell for you even heavier.
And Jean was the same exact way with you, maybe even a little worse.
You were all he could think about, to say the absolute least.
You were becoming the first person he'd look for in crowds.
You were becoming the person he'd think of first when something good happened, wanting to tell you all about it.
You were becoming the person he'd save seats for.
He was even starting to pick up on the things that'd make you laugh and engage you more in conversation. You were starting to feel more comfortable and act more naturally and that's what was starting to make Jean fall for you so much.
It was all of the little things about you he couldn't get enough of.
Jean could swear he was developing a staring problem since meeting you and he was fine with that. He could look at your pretty face all day and find new things he loves about it for years and years.
But his favorite little thing about you?
Well it was actually something you two had developed as time passed since the bathroom encounter. It was disgustingly cute and if someone told Jean he'd be doing this before he met someone like you, he'd probably wouldn't believe it.
There were rare times where Jean would actually catch you staring at him which was rare because he was usually the one looking at you first.
But when he would catch you, you'd do this thing that would drive Jean crazy.
You'd immediately look away and blink a few times as if you were resetting but it was clear you were just embarrassed or shy you got caught looking at Jean.
Then you'd fix your hair and smooth it out to make pretend you were busy with that, pick at your index finger after, and look out of the corner of your eye to see if Jean was still looking.
And of course he was, you were just too cute to look away from.
Eventually you'd look back over at Jean and smile that beautiful smile at him.
It was his favorite thing about you. Your smile.
He remembers the first time he saw you all of that time ago. He'd never forget it or your smile that day.
Jean remembers falling to the dirt after Shadis kicked him over and how fucking embarrassed he was that that was his introduction to the cadets. He didn't even want to get up but continuing to lay, sitting face down in the dirt would just add onto the embarrassment so he got up as soon as he could.
He remembers standing up and brushing himself off quickly and looking around to see who was looking at him. Of course there were a few pity glances but it really didn't take long for his eyes to find you.
The way you were looking at him and smiling was something Jean could never forget;
No fuck, he would never want to forget.
To say you were the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen would be an understatement. He was completely infatuated with you since that moment.
And even despite Jean's humiliation moments before, you were just smiling that sweet smile at him and that's all that mattered to him in that moment.
Something about you just felt so familiar and maybe that's why Jean wasn't embarrassed you were looking at him.
So just Jean smiled back.
And he knew your smile at him wasn't because you found humor in the little scene prior with Shadis. Why you were even smiling at him that day was something he'd probably never know.
You probably didn't even remember that day anyways.
But Jean chose to smile back not because he felt awkward or to even flirt with you from the far.
You were just you, looking at Jean and smiling.
And Jean smiled back, because he just knew.
And since then, your smile has been his favorite thing about you.
But back to tonight.
Everything that happened tonight; you two talking nonstop about dumb stories, you playing piano for him, dancing with each other in that closet, it all just meant one thing to Jean really.
You had just completely sealed the deal with him and you probably didn't even know it yet.
Jean only wanted to be with you. Not that that wasn't the case before but that fact just rang more true in his ears now.
Jean just hoped after tonight you'd feel the same way. Maybe to not as strong as an extent, but hopefully you felt something towards him.
Tonight meant more to him than he could ever express to you. And maybe that was sad to admit and Jean would never find the nerve to tell you that, but that was plain truth of it all.
It was more about than dancing with a gorgeous girl like you or getting to spend some free time doing essentially "nothing" for a few hours.
It was about hearing that song tonight was something he'd never forget.
Moon River.
Apart of the reason being it was the first time he heard it since his dad died which was emotional in itself.
But it was the fact Jean heard it again for the first time with you.
It had to be fate that he heard that song again for the first time you. It had to be. You were Jean's fate.
Dancing with you the way his parents used to, to that same exact song just meant more than everything to Jean. He never wanted the moment to end.
As you two swayed in the closet that night and Jean tucked your head under his chin, he wished he shared that moment with no one else but you. He'd go through all of the bad shit in his life a million times over if it still meant dancing with you in that cramped, dark closet tonight.
Jean thanked whatever god that was out there that the closet you two danced in was so dark that you couldn't really see each other's faces.
Not that Jean didn't miss seeing your pretty face but he didn't want you to see his, but in that moment.
Because as your fingers tapped on his chest to the rhythm of his heartbeat, as you two gently swayed and he held you closer as the song went on; Jean could feel a few tears run down his face.
The worst part of it all was that he didn't want to let you go to wipe his damp cheeks off because he never wanted to let you go. Plus, you were holding onto him so perfectly and close that he didn't want to dare change that.
Why he was crying?
Who knew.
Maybe it was the song or the thought of his dad. Or maybe it was the underlying feeling that no matter how physically close he felt to you, in the closet or in that bathroom picking glass out of your hand, he just felt like there was some barrier between you two.
And no matter how many times Jean told himself he had time with you, it just started to sound like he was trying to convince himself. None of it was making sense for why he was feeling this way.
Maybe it was the weeks he wasted not talking to you because of Armin or his shitty apology Connie and Sasha made for him.
His intrusive thoughts were ruining too good of moments with you.
So tonight, before Jean left the closet to meet you outside, he made a new promise to himself.
He was going to start making time for you.
Jean wanted to know more of the little things as much as the big things about you. He wanted to know your favorite things and the things that irritated you. More of what made you laugh and what didn't. What your favorite foods were or even your goddamn favorite color. Jean wanted to know about your family, where you came from and pretty much everything you'd be willing to ever tell him.
He wanted it all.
Every last bit of you. Every piece of you you'd ever be willing to give him. Jean wanted everything.
And he didn't care anymore if you'd never feel as strongly as he did about you. But he thought you deserved to know someone cared about you more than he cared about himself.
He wanted to be your person because the fact of the matter was that you were slowly becoming his.
Jean wanted you and he'd wait as long as you needed for you to feel the same way.
You were just too special to him. You were too special in general.
Almost like when you were with him, the world didn't seem like such a bad place.
And he wasn't going to just let that go anytime soon.
So once Jean composed himself and got his thoughts together, it was time to go get his favorite girl from outside where he knew you'd be waiting for him.
Jean would tell you the truth about how he really felt once he met you out there tonight. He'd tell you the truth about everything.
He had to, he wanted you to know.
He wasn't even nervous for such a normally nerve wracking situation.
Jean had never confessed his feelings like that to someone before.
But there was no one ever like you.
Jean smiled to himself before he pushed the exit door to go outside. He was so ready for this. Maybe tonight would be the official beginning of something really special.
Jean takes a deep breath and steps outside and of course the first thing he sees is you.
But this is probably the first thing he's looked at you and felt sick.
Because tonight, you were still out there waiting for him. But rather, Jean just wished you had just left him instead and called it a night because the sight in front of him is makes him absolutely sick.
Somehow even more sick than the idea of you making out with Armin.
In front of Jean, stand you and Eren.
Fucking Eren Jaeger.
Seeing Eren wasn't even the entire issue.
The problem for Jean was once he stepped outside he had to look at the way Eren was holding you and how you were leaning into him.
Worst of all?
The way you two were smiling and laughing with each other.
So fucking closely to each other.
Jean thought there could be no one like Mikasa or Armin to come between you two anymore. But he was wrong. There was Eren.
Maybe you liked Eren. Jean had never thought about that. He had never seen the two of you together before or interact but he thinks about you two.
No one had ever really seen you and Jean interact either. All of your "special" moments together had been in mostly private.
So maybe you had the same thing with Eren going on.
Jean speaks up immediately before he pukes looking at you two together like this.
"What the fuck."
y/n's point of view
[dracula by labrinth]
"Perfect timing! Do you think you have a minute to talk? I know it's been a few days since you said we could but I still reall-" Eren smiles at you and carries on but you can't even listen to his words correctly.
This can't be happening. Why can't I have one good fucking night. Why Eren of all people
right now?
You watch Eren ramble but his words ring in your ears as white sound. But you know he's not saying anything important right now because he's smiling and talking a mile a minute. He must be a nervous talker.
You look away from Eren and stare at the exit door you just came out from and pray Jean just stays inside until Eren just leaves.
Jean probably wouldn't care that you were standing out here with Eren. But it's just the fact that you knew your two's night would come to an end once he saw it.
Simply because Eren was just that much of a mood changer for Jean for whatever reason. You'd thought about asking Jean before why he feels this way about Eren but you didn't want to push some boundary.
If Jean wanted to tell you, he would.
Plus, it wasn't like Jean was asking you things like that either. A perfect example was the Annie situation. Jean never asked why you hurt Annie the way you did or if you even knew her. And you were grateful he didn't. A part of the reason was that you didn't want to lie to Jean more than necessary but also just talking about Annie even now made your heart ache, despite it all.
You knew Eren has been wanting to talk to you about something for awhile now. It all started the night you kissed Armin and even as the weeks passed, Eren never made an attempt to talk to you beyond that. Maybe it was because he wanted to give you space after that fight. You even hoped Eren would give up whatever he had to talk to you about because of Armin's reaction to your assault on Annie.
That maybe Armin would just give up on you and move on after seeing that side of you.
But the fact Eren was still here right now, talking to you tonight about was starting to prove otherwise.
Your eyes shift back to Eren when you hear him say your name.
"Y/N? Hello? Uh, are you good?" Eren asks with a worried look on his face.
"What?" you narrow your eyes at him. You couldn't lie. You didn't pick up on a single world Eren just said to you. And you suddenly felt bad that he noticed.
But Eren just smiles softly at you and speaks up. "I was asking you, do you wanna take a walk so we can talk? It's nothing too bad, well at least I don't think so. But I hate standing around like this. Oh and also, your shoes are untied." Eren breaks eye contact with you before motioning down to your shoes. He looks away from you as if asking you to go walk around with him alone was something too awkward to ask but he had to say it.
You look down at your shoes and of course they're untied. You think to yourself.
No you dumbass, I can't take a fucking walk right now. Not when Jean is going to be coming through that door any second.
That's what you wish you said.
Instead it want something like this.
"Yeah, we can. But can we do it another night. It's really late Ere-"
"Yeah but I need to talk to you now." Eren interrupts.
You were not going on a fucking midnight stroll with Eren. There couldn't be anything so interesting enough that you two had to go off like this right now. You were growing so annoyed.
But how annoyed could you even be at Eren? He had no idea what was going on with you right now or that you were just with Jean. On paper, what he was doing was harmless. But it was becoming clear he wasn't going to go unless he said what he wanted to say to you.
Eren takes two steps closer to you and you cross your arms against your chest and start picking at your finger.
"Okay, but I'm being serious about it getting late, I'm tired and don't want to go on a walk. So just say what you have to say now." You say to Eren, taking one step towards him. You two were much closer to each other now and you could really see each other's faces now.
You had never looked at Eren so closely before. To say he was handsome was an understatement. Anyone who had eyes knew Eren was good looking. He had really nice olive skin and green eyes that weren't as obnoxiously bright as Armin's blue eyes. There was really no explanation you could go into the fact of it; Eren was really cute.
But he was no Jean so who gave a fuck.
You liked looking at attractive people, who wouldn't? Eren was nothing special to you beyond a pretty face to look at.
"Okay, fine. Are you fine?" Eren asks narrowing his eyes at you, just as you did to him moments before.
Why can't this kid just get to the fucking point?
You smile a fake smile at Eren. "Of course I'm fine! I feel fine. Do I not look fine?" You ask. Your enthusiasm sounds ridiculous and you can tell Eren knows how fake you're being. He plays along.
"Mhm," he hums in agreement. "You do look fine." Eren smirks down at you.
This motherfucker.
If Jean didn't exist and if this was any other time, you'd love to play along with this for your own entertainment. How Eren just teased you was the shit you loved doing just to get a rise out of someone.
Like you did with Annie right before you beat the fuck out of her. It was just too fun.
And it was painfully obvious Eren was doing the same shit with you right now.
He was a piece of shit the same way you were. Too bad you didn't have the time to care right now.
You take a step forward before speaking up but you don't get any words out.
Before you even have time to think of what to say, you start to stumble over and fall onto Eren but he catches you in time before you completely
eat shit.
You look down as Eren catches you.
It was your shoelace you tripped on. Your dumbass.
You should've just tied it when Eren told you about it earlier. Would've saved you the embarrassment of fucking tripping over and falling on the guy.
You're shocked Eren even catches you and doesn't let you eat shit. Not that you thought he was a total piece of shit. But it was more so the fact that if it was Eren falling over, you'd just let him fall.
Eren's arms wrap under your underarms and hold onto you as your hands catch onto his chest and your head buries near his neck.
Your head doesn't stay there for long as your quick to pick it up and stare up at him wide eyed, embarrassed.
"Oh god, I'm sorry, I uh-" you begin but Eren shakes his head.
"No you're fine. I knew that was gonna happen. That's why I told you about your untied shoes." Eren smiles gently and hoists you up a little so your pressed against each other's chest. You don't think anything if it.
And you even feel him start to let go of you once you start to stand on your own feet. "Yeah uh, thanks Eren." You smile at him but he's still holding you.
Eren's eyes look over your face and you stare blankly back him. His eyes scan your eyes and just all around your face. You even swear you catch him looking at your lips a couple times but you couldn't be bothered to really care.
Eren licks his lips as his eyes find yours again and he tries to speak up. But another voice chimes in.
"What the fuck."
It's Jean's voice.
And Eren is still holding you.
You act quicker than light as you push yourself off of Eren and look over at Jean who is just standing there as the exit door shuts behind him.
He looks so disgusted with you two and you can't blame him.
What the fuck just happened with you and Eren? It was honestly nothing but you could imagine how it looked to Jean.
"Oh god. What the fuck are you doing here, Jean? Me and Y/N are a little busy if you don't mind." Eren groans out and slings an arm over you. You act quick again to throw Eren's arm off of you as Jean makes his way over to you two.
You can see Eren turn his head to look at you as you do so but you don't care.
You can only see Jean right now.
"Hi, Jean," is all you can say in that moment. You just want to talk to Jean on your own. You know how bad everything looks right now but you didn't want the night or your moments to be ruined because of some misunderstanding.
Jean comes face to face with you with Eren at your side. Jean doesn't even look at Eren and to your shock Eren doesn't say a word as you and Jean stare at each other.
"You found company quickly." Jean mumbles. He looks beyond irritated. More than you could imagine on your own. But he doesn't look disgusted anymore. It's comforting to know the look of disgust was just for Eren but the irritation that remains on his face is just a reminder that it's all for you.
"I didn't find company. Company found me. Plus you took forever in there." You smile softly at Jean but he doesn't return the smile. It was your attempt at trying to lighten his mood and it failed miserably.
"What were you two in there together?" Eren chimes in and Jean looks over at the brunette. "Can you shut the fuck up? I'm having a conversation here." Jean turns back to you but Eren is as quick Jean.
"Yeah, so was I, with her, until you interrupted us. I was here with her first so I think it's you who needs to fuck off, Jean boy."
Oh my fucking god.
Whatever was happening right now between the two of them was something you didn't want to be apart of. For Jean, this was all about you. But for Eren, you could tell by the look in his eyes his priority tonight was something beyond you and Jean. So what was he trying to do?
You stare blankly ahead past the two boys and stare at the exit door. You can't believe how not too long ago you and Jean were in there slow dancing and playing piano. Even almost kissing each other.
You just wanted to be alone with Jean right now. Why was he even wasting his time with Eren? Maybe it was because the moments you two shared tonight wasn't as special to him as it was to you.
As the two boys go off on each other you think about the song you played for Jean on piano tonight. The song was called "Love of My Life" and you were thankful Jean didn't ask the name of it. The title was too embarrassing to say in front of him.
But you think more of the fact that it was the first time you heard that song since your brother died. And now hearing it again wasn't even sad. And maybe you felt that way because it was Jean who was with you when you heard it again.
You wish tonight meant the same to him as it meant to you.
Jean was starting to become your person and it was becoming clear he didn't feel the same way as he carried on bickering with Eren.
If he did feel that way he should've just walked out that exit and took your hand in front of Eren and said goodnight to him and you two walked off.
But that wasn't happening.
Eren and Jean snap you out of your thoughts.
"Y/N?" Jean says softly. You make eye contact with him and smile a closed mouth smile and look back at Eren who's cheeks are flushed.
"What?" You question. Eren speaks up before Jean can. "Who do you wanna go with? Me or Jean?"
You feel your best drop to your stomach.
What kind of fucking question was that?
Of course it was Jean. Why the fuck would the answer be Eren? As if it would be Eren.
But then again, Eren probably had no idea you and Jean had even interacted beyond training and meal times. No probably knew that. Maybe Connie or Sasha knew because maybe Jean would tell them things but if that wasn't the case; no one knew.
Eren just wanted to talk to you. He had been wanting to talk to you for some time now and you have him your word. It was probably about Armin and you couldn't keep ignoring that situation any longer.
And if Jean really liked you, if Jean felt anything near as much as you felt for him, he wouldn't have even let Eren ask this question.
It was getting late.
So you make up your mind.
"We finished cleaning, Jean. We should just say goodnight."
You can't even bring yourself to look at him when you say the sentence. So you look at him once you finish and you wish you didn't.
You wish you can take it back.
If heartbreak could be shown in someone's face, it was certainly plastered on Jean's right now.
But he was probably just disappointed for other reasons. He probably just wanted to mess around with you a little longer before saying goodnight and was sad that you cut the night off early with him.
He blinks a few times and swallows. Jean doesn't even look at Eren, whose expression is polar opposite from Jean's.
Eren looks so satisfied that you indirectly choose him over Jean tonight and a smirk lives on his face.
Jean quickly rubs his face and looks at you. He smiles softly while looking down at you. The smile is so faint and you only notice it because you're staring at Jean.
Jean whispers.
"See you later, Y/N."
Before brushing past you and leaving you and Eren alone.
What the fuck just happened?
Move you dumbass, go after him.
But your feet stay planted in the ground, along with Eren. Eren speaks up first.
"Uh, are you going to go after him or something?"
You quickly go from feeling sad to angry when you hear him say this.
"Are you fucking kidding me?! You just fucking asked who I wanted to stay with and I chose you! And now you're telling me to go after him?!" You spit out. You were seriously pissed off now. You were finding it hard to believe now Eren had anything to talk to you about and maybe he just wanted to fuck with you.
You made a huge mistake. Why didn't you choose Jean? Because of your own insecure mind? Jean literally told you earlier how he wanted to see you more and spend time with you. And your dumbass just ruined it.
"Woah, relax. I'm just saying your words said one thing but your sad puppy dog eyes towards that horse face said another." Eren's smirk is still on his face.
"Jean doesn't have a horse face. Stop fucking saying that! The joke is so old at this point, think of something else for the love of god." You say growing more pissed off. It was true though. The horse jokes were not only rude as fuck but they were so dry.
"Oh my god. I'm starting to think that gossip between Sasha and Connie is true. Maybe you and Jean are meant for each other. It's so easy to piss both of you off. Wait, is he you boyfriend?" Eren finishes.
"No, Jean isn't my boyfriend."
"I kinda find that hard to believe." Eren mumbles. He starts to pick at his fingers.
"Well believe it." Jean would never date you. It was becoming clear now. Also not to mention the fucking fact you were on a mission from Marley and dating Jean or Armin or Eren didn't exactly fit the criteria for the mission.
Eren stares at you for a moment and you see his eyes shift to behind you, probably still watching Jean walk away. You think the conversation is over until Eren continues on.
"I don't know. He just seemed a little too upset for you two just to be friends. Shit, even I feel bad for the guy. You sure he's not your boyfriend?" Eren asks, almost in a teasing tone.
"I'm sure." You say dryly.
"Then you better go tell him that." Eren smiles and motions for you to turn around and go after Jean but your feet stay planted. Eren starts to chuckle, you can't tell if he's awkward or if he finds this all genuinely funny.
What the fuck was the point of all of this? If Eren had to talk to you so fucking badly that he indirectly just ruined your night with Jean, why was he trying to make you go after him after all
of that?
Even better of a question, why were you even still there? Maybe it was because the other option was to go running after Jean but that sounded so pathetic. But apart of you didn't even care.
You just wanted to turn around and run to Jean and hug him and kiss him and tell him how you really felt about him. But you just couldn't.
Maybe your subconscious chose to stay with Eren because you wanted to save yourself from the self sabotage of falling for Jean anymore than you already have. Maybe you knew deep down if you chose to go off with Jean that it wouldn't be good for you.
You couldn't keep doing this with him. You couldn't have Jean no matter how much you wanted him or needed him by your side.
It didn't make sense. You and Jean didn't make sense. You just wanted to fucking cry and run away somewhere.
Everything about tonight was overwhelming you and how it ended with Jean wasn't helping. You didn't want to go back to ignoring each other like those two weeks.
How he walked through you like a ghost.
You couldn't have that happen again. You didn't want it to. Not after tonight. This couldn't happen again. You couldn't handle it.
You needed Jean.
And even if you couldn't have him romantically you just wanted him at by your side. Maybe just as a friend for now if that was the only way you could have him.
But as of right now, that just had to wait. You wanted to know already what Eren had to talk to you about so desperately that he ruined you and Jean's night.
"Eren, what did you want to talk about?" You were done playing games. It was time to cut to the chase with this motherfucker.
"Right. Man, I almost forgot about that. You and Jean's drama was just too entertaining." Eren sighs out and you give him a dirty look. "Sorry." He mumbles before he goes on.
"So, uh. This is a little uncomfortable for me to ask because I know this is a huge boundary to overstep and it's not really my business-" you cut him off. "Just say it, Eren."
Eren takes a deep breath. "Do you like Armin? Like in that way?"
"No, I don't. And I think he's moved on from us. He barely even talks to me anymore." You're not shocked with Eren's question. You knew it was going to be about Armin.
"Yeah but that's the thing, Y/N. He's not moved on. And I just want to know how you feel before he does something you don't want because at the end of the day he is my best friend. I guess to save him the embarrassment of rejection. Because he's like, crazy about you. You're all Armin talks about. Mikasa doesn't even understand anymore because after the kiss you two haven't really talked." Eren finally looks serious.
You think to yourself and remember how physically sick kissing Armin made you. You think how as soon as you were done kissing him you were thinking about Jean. That plus the events of tonight made the answer clear to you.
"I'm sorry, Eren. I don't like Armin like that."
Eren nods. "I figured. I just wanted to ask because," he takes a deep breath, "I just want all of this to stop, Y/N." He has a begging look in his eye.
"All of what?"
"All of this. This is all so complicated when it doesn't have to be. With me, Mikasa, Armin and Jean, Connie, Sasha and then you. This all doesn't have to be as nearly as complicated as everyone is making it. You know?"
You didn't know. What the fuck was he going on about ?
The confusion probably reads easy in your face because Eren goes on.
"Mikasa and Armin telling Jean to bring you to the cliff that night. It was so stupid. He only did it because Mikasa and Armin asked-"
"Wait what." You interrupt Eren.
How did Eren know about the cliff? And what did that mean that Mikasa and Armin told Jean to do it? You were so confused to say the least.
Were you oblivious or was everyone keeping something from you?
Eren swallows and the picking continues on his finger. It only makes you start doing it out of nerves but you hate that you two are matching.
"Oh, I see. You probably don't know about that."
"Know about what, Eren?" You were desperate to know. You couldn't keep playing these games.
"Okay so uh-" he clears his throat, "I'm telling you this because you deserve to know. Not because I'm team Armin or Jean or whatever the fuck that means. I think you just deserve to know the truth and then you can make whatever decision you want once you do know the truth."
You nod eagerly encouraging Eren to continue.
"So Armin had this huge crush on you, since he's met you. And we all saw how you and Jean started talking and I guess Armin wasn't comfortable enough to just talk to you on his own-which by the way I did say he should- so Mikasa and Armin went to Jean and asked him to talk to you about Armin. And I guess he brought you to the cliff to do that and yeah. That's what I know."
You stare blankly at Eren. You have no idea what to even think and you try to process his words. That cliff encounter was the beginning of all of the dominos falling and to find out now it was because of Armin made you angry.
It wasn't make sense though. Why did Jean say all of those mean things to you at the cliff if that was the case? Plus Jean didn't even fucking mention Armin that night. It made no sense but why would Eren make this up. It was too random and specific for him to make up.
Eren interrupts your thoughts.
"It absolutely pains me to say this, Y/N, but don't blame Jean for what happened on the cliff. It's all
Armin's fault. That's why I needed to talk to you. Because the truth is, I don't want Armin to be with you. He's a good friend he really is, but this whole situation is just so fucked. I just wanted you to know the truth so we could all move on and maybe even start over. We can all be friends with each other. I'll even tolerate seeing Jean more if it means we can all just drop this and move on. I just need to hear you say you want that too."
"Drop what? I didn't pick up anything! It's you and your friends who are just obsessed and have nothing better to do." You say dryly.
You weren't mad at Jean. Not really. He had apologized for the cliff encounter sincerely not too long ago. It was probably the apology of the century. Plus, you were moved on from the encounter.
Apart of you wishes though that you were able to live in oblivion. Not knowing Armin was the reason behind all of the fucked shit going on with you was something you were fine with not knowing.
But you had to know eventually.
And you were glad Eren was telling you the truth. Although it's not what your heart wanted, you made the right choice staying with Eren. You had to have this conversation.
"Please don't stop being Mikasa's friend." Eren whispers.
You roll your eyes. "I don't know about that, Eren. She sounds like Armin's lap dog."
"She's not. She just wanted to help him. They're best friends. But like-" you swear you think Eren is getting a little choked up but he continues. "She's a great girl. And she really does love being your friend. It's not easy for her to make friends, I guess she just clings onto me and Armin because we're familiar to her but she really does love you. She tells me all of the time how bad she feels about the Armin thing. And when I told her how I wanted to talk to you about this, she really pushed me to do it. She still wants to talk to you herself and apologize, but please. Don't stop being her friend. That's the only thing I'll ask from you, Y/N."
You stare at the moon as Eren talks. It was really bright tonight.
Even if you didn't want to admit it right now, you really did love Mikasa too as a friend. She was the first person here to consistently treat you with kindness.
And she was the only person here who wanted to watch you get better with the training. The only reason you were able to catch up like you did was because of Mikasa.
So you just nod your head at Eren and he smiles softly.
You have to break the tension or else you might start crying so you joke. "You know from the way you talk about her, sounds like you have a little crush, Jaeger."
It takes less than a second for a blush to creep on Eren's face and you smile. It was so obvious they both liked each other.
"Shut up."
"Awww, Eren it's adorable! I get it. She's pretty, smart, strong-" he cuts you off.
"Enough, Y/N. God, why do you say such embarrassing things."
"Mikasa isn't embarrassing." You tease. "What's embarrassing is your big fat crush on her."
You giggle.
"Oh please! If that's embarrassing, then your crush on Jean is beyond humiliation. How damaged does a girl have to be to like someone as arrogant like him?" Eren bursts out laughing and you stop your giggles to give him a deadpan stare.
"You're the worst." You roll your eyes and shove Eren's shoulder. "It's just a joke." Eren sighs out and clams down from his obnoxious laughter.
"Truth of it all, you know what is most embarrassing?" Eren asks you. You hum in response.
"That Floch kid's crush on the both of us. I know you see it. He never leaves me alone."
You accidentally snort out a laugh but as soon as you do, you catch yourself. But this just causes Eren to laugh harder.
Fuck it.
You join him in your laughter for a minute or two. And of course you two spend at least ten more minutes talking about you and Eren's biggest fan, Floch.
Once that conversation comes to an end, you and Eren both notice a white bird land on top of the building near you two. You both stare at it and Eren speaks up first.
"Weird seeing that type of bird fly around like that this time of night, right?" He whispers.
It looked like the same white bird you've been seeing for weeks now.
"Right." You whisper back.
You two stare at it for a few more moments until it flies away into the woods.
"Can I ask you something out of my own curiosity, Y/N?" Eren whispers.
"Sure."
"Why did you kiss Armin? I'm not judging, but if didn't like him why kiss him? Or did you realize you didn't like him after you kissed him."
That's not what you were expecting for him to ask. You think for a moment. But you know your answer. You tell Eren the truth.
"I knew before, after and during the kiss I didn't like Armin like that. I kissed Armin because I was hurting that night. And I thought maybe Armin was hurting the same way I was. And I didn't want to hurt and I didn't want Armin to hurt so the kiss was maybe a possible a solution. And surprise! It didn't work. Maybe I felt bad for him or myself. I don't know."
Eren is silent. Almost as if he's trying to process your words. "I'm sorry, that sounds so stupid-"
"It's not stupid." Eren whispers and continues "But you can't feel bad about that, Y/N. It's not your job to make people feeling bad, feel better."
Well that's a shitty thing to think. Even coming from someone who grew up on this island. Shit, you were from the enemies land but it sounded like you had more sympathy for the people here than Eren did.
"Well, I do." You can just feel your heart sink even more as you continue your ramble. "I look around at the people here and everyone is just hurting."
As soon as you say that, Eren finally turns his head to meet your stare. It's impossible to read him and that somehow makes your heart sink even more. You continue.
"And the people that don't show it, Eren, well they're just better at hiding it." You whisper at him and as soon as you do, Eren immediately glances away and goes back to staring at the sky. Almost like he couldn't look at you anymore.
You had no idea where that sentence came from. Maybe from personal experience. But it was the truth. Take one look at anyone here and it was clear they were all hurting. Especially you.
Everyone was walking around with a secret in their heart. And of course those secrets varied. You knew that.
Of course you fucking did.
Anyone from Reiner to Eren to Jean to Mikasa.
It was so hard to feel good in this type of world. Everyone here was feeling bad. Whether that was a certain point or maybe they still did.
It just wasn't feeling like enough anymore
to say you had a bad day to explain how shitty you were feeling every single day deep down and you were certain others felt that way.
But Eren wouldn't get that. Why would he. This was the kid that would scream at dinner about killing the titans and try to show off at teaming but fail miserably.
You think that.
Until he speaks up.
"Maybe me and you are the people better at hiding it, Y/N."
You think you can hear a sniffle but Eren is already rambling before you can question it or continue this conversation.
"You know who I bet is hurting right now? Jean boy." He smiles softly at you. "You should go find him. I want everyone to be in good terms after today, even horse fac-" you shoot Eren a nasty look before he can finish calling Jean the nickname.
He corrects himself.
"Even Jean."
You nod and smile at Eren as he finishes up his statement. "I'm gonna talk to Armin about you and make sure he leaves you alone. Tomorrow is a new day for all of us, right." You smile and nod "Right."
You turn around to go find Jean before you here Eren call out your name one last time. You turn around and he speaks up as soon as you do.
"Y/N, uh, I liked talking to you tonight. It was nice. We should be friends me and you."
You roll your eyes and smile. Eren continues. "I feel like I've known you longer than I have."
You nod in agreement. "And you say I say the embarrassing things."
Eren rolls his eyes and starts walking away. "Yeah, yeah. Go find your precious Jean boy now. Have a good night, Y/N."
"Bye Eren."
You turn away and start walking in the opposite direction of Eren, also the direction Jean walked in.
It hadn't been too long since Jean left you and Eren alone so hopefully he was still out somewhere despite the late hour. You prayed he was still out here somewhere.
He had to be. After all the direction he walked in was opposite from the boy's bunks thank god. If he went there you wouldn't be able to talk to him until tomorrow. That is, if he was even willing to still talk to you.
You wander around outside for about ten minutes until you reach the end of the camp and to the entrance of the woods. You stop in your tracks.
You fucking hated walking in the woods in general but at night? Terrifying.
But an idea intrudes your thoughts.
If there was a place Jean could be right now, so late at night, you think you knew the place.
The cliff.
You remember how when he brought you there he liked going there after dealing with the human versions of headaches such as Eren. He had to be there right now.
More importantly alone.
There was no doubt in your mind that Jean was upset right now and although it may have been because for you, you didn't want him to be alone.
You knew how being alone felt when you were feeling shitty like that. And you never wanted him to feel that way. Not after everything.
You take a few deep breaths to really hype yourself up with bravery before stepping in the woods. Jean was the only person in this entire world you'd ever roam through the woods alone for.
You try not to think about any of it because if you do, you'd probably get so scared and go back out of fear. But the idea of the destination having Jean be there is enough for you to power through.
You remember how the last time you went to the cliff, Jean held your hand for the first time on the way there. You wished right now he was here to still do that.
To your surprise and luck, you remember the trail Jean took to get to the cliff and you follow it all of the way through until finally you get there.
Relief washes over yourself when you arrive. Thank god you didn't get loss and you made it here with no troubles.
But that's only a portion of your relief. Most of the relief comes when you get there, and see Jean sitting in the same spot he was in the last time two came here.
He was staring at that bright moon you were looking at not too long ago.
He doesn't turn around as you step closer. You don't want to scare him by sneaking up so you speak up first.
Nothing seems like the right thing to say. You don't know what to say. So you stand somewhat behind him and look at the moon, then back down at Jean.
You say the first thing that comes to your mind.
"You wanna run away to the moon?" You whisper and kneel down next Jean, trying to settle in to sit down next him.
He doesn't say a word to you at first. He just stares at the moon. His face doesn't look angry. He just looks sad. Then finally, he says something.
"You give me a time and a place, and I'll be there, beautiful." He whispers back and still stares up at the sky.
You breath out. You were so scared Jean would be mad at you or wouldn't talk to you. After all, you kinda deserved it.
You calm your breathing. "Jean."
"Yes?" He says quietly. He sounded so sad right now. But he turns his body towards you to look at you. His expression was soft and his hair looked messy.
What was there to even say. Words failed for moments like this.
So once Jean's body is turned towards you, your body almost speaks up for the words you don't have. You don't know where the bold move comes from. All you know is that you needed this.
Almost like an instinct, you wrap your arms around Jean and squeeze tight. You bury your head in his neck and lean into him and almost against your will, you start softly crying, but thankfully not a sob. You just missed Jean so much and the thoughts of you two going back to ignore each other was too much.
And maybe Jean feels the same way. Because even before you're able to fully wrap your arms around him, he's already pulling you in, welcoming your affection.
As you hold onto him, you can feel his heartbeat against your chest and that just makes you pull him in even tighter. You wanted to be close to him. Like this, forever.
You feel his hands gently rub your back and hear him softly shush you as you hiccup through your cry. You're quick to pull yourself together and you pull away to look at Jean.
His eyes look glassy but you cant find any tears on his face. Jean's hands leave your back and find your face.
You feel calm with Jean. There weren't any more nerves with him.
You knew you belonged to him, even if he didn't know that.
His thumbs rub you cheeks and he pulls you in closer to his face.
You can't help it but stare back at him as he lowers your head to his soft lips.
Jean places a soft kiss to your forehead and you close your eyes. As you try to savor it, his kiss is done but he starts whispering.
"I'm sorry, Y/N." You shake your head and chuckle. "Why are you saying that? I'm sorry for staying with Eren. I'm sorry it's just we had some things we had to work out. And it is. It's all worked out now."
Jean rests his chin on top of your head and you relax into his chest and you basically sit on his lap now. Right now it was easier to talk to him about this without having to look at him.
He's quiet for a moment. "Well is it all worked out?" He asks. "Yes. I think so." You find Jean's hands resting on the ground and brush your hand on top of his. He's quick to notice this and even quicker to intertwine his fingers with yours.
You didn't want any more questions. Not about Eren or Armin or whoever the fuck. You just wanted this. To be alone with Jean finally. Everything was gonna work itself out. Everything had to. Because if it didn't, you had no idea how you could keep fixing things. i
Tomorrow was a new beginning. Just like Eren said. So you put all of your hope into that.
You and Jean are quiet for a few minutes but it's a comfortable silence. You're the first to break it.
"Jean, I know you won't want to hear this but I need you to." You move your head from his chest so you two can look at each other.
He looks so beautiful right now.
You sigh. "I'm sorry, Jean. About the Eren thing. I know how it looked but I swear it wasn't anything near what it looked like. I tripped and he caught me and then next thing I know you were out there and Eren started acting like a dick and I don't know! It all just happened so fast. And Eren was only there because he wanted to talk to me about stupid Armin and just-" you were starting to snowball so you go back to your original purpose.
"I'm sorry, Jean. I'm sorry. I would never do anything on purpose to hurt you and I just need you to know that that's the truth of it."
Jean smiles softly at you and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear and readjusts your glasses on your face that you forgot you were even wearing.
Jean softly brushes his own nose against yours and it causes you to giggle and he chuckles back before pulling back a little. You knew he just wanted to make you smile.
"I know, Y/N. I know." He sighs out. "And I know you don't wanna hear this but you'll have to endure it. I'm sorry too. For letting Eren ask you to choose between us. It was fucking ridiculous but I didn't wanna force you to go with me if it wasn't what you wanted."
"I'll always wanna go where you go." Your heart drops to your stomach once you say it. Not that you didn't mean it, but the words just slipped out. Your face burns in embarrassment but Jean speaks up.
"Even the moon?" Jean whispers and smiles.
"Even the moon." You whisper back.
You reach your finger up to trace the bridge of his nose to which he scrunches face as he says his next sentence, adjusting the two of your bodies to be facing towards the moon as you remained sitting in his lap.
"Then let's get planning."
porco's point of view
[play je te laisserai des mots by patrick wilson,, uhhh grab tissues !!]
"Her dad is a real fucking asshole for throwing something away like that." Pieck spit out as she dumped out the second trash can outside of your childhood home. Your dad left for vacation today, so Porco knew he wouldn't interrupt their little dumpster raid.
Porco rolled his eyes and continued sorting through his pile of trash. Thankfully Pieck brought gloves but most of the trash consisted of empty liquor bottles.
What a shitty fucking week it's been he thought to himself.
This wasn't the first time the two stopped by your house since you've been gone. It was always Porco's idea to go. He liked to check in how your parents were doing whenever he could and sometimes Pieck would come along just to do something that day. But she didn't mind, she loved your house.
It was big and fancy compared to where the other warriors lived. It had that old money vibe to it which made sense. Your family was too wealthy considering your dad would help make weapons for Marley. It was something the some of the other warriors were jealous of but it's not like you could help that your family had money.
This week was so different. It was a terrible week. Probably one of the worst weeks Porco has had since finding out his brother passed away. But this situation didn't even dire either effect him. It was your problem and it was killing him inside.
You were on Porco's mind more than ever this week. And for all of the worst reasons.
He wasn't daydreaming anymore about what you could be up to or how he could swoon you when you get back to Marley. But he was trying to fix a situation to be less awful for when you got back.
You were Porco's favorite person. He wanted nothing but for you to be okay. Sure he wished for your happiness but in this world, okay was as good as it got.
But that wish was starting to become just that. A wish. Something that would probably never come true.
And today his favorite person was going through some of the most unfortunate events an individual could ever go through in their lives.
Worst of all? You didn't even know you were going through it. And you wouldn't know until you got back from that damn mission.
In the morning hours of the beginning of the week, news that your mother passed away spread to your friends and various remaining family members.
She took her own life the night before and your dad was the one who found her.
Porco didn't want to know the details of what happened or how she did it. He couldn't know. The fact of all of this happening was just unreal to say the very least. It wasn't uncommon for people here in Marley to take their own life. He just never thought your mom would actually do it. But who would ever think that? No one ever thinks it until it's too late
Porco found out the news with Pieck.
It was a few days after it happened, which was also today. Porco decided to take one of his monthly visits over to your house to see how your parents were. He never noticed anything so unusual about your mom and dad. They were always the same.
Especially your mom. She was always so quiet and kind when she had to be. Sure she was always very disconnected but so were you and your entire family. That's just how you all were.
The only screaming red flag about your mom was her issues with alcohol. She never not had a drink in her hand but it's not like Porco or Pieck could ever say anything. She was a grown adult and they were just kids who only knew so much.
So that day when Pieck and Porco found out, was the same day your dad was leaving for some vacation. Porco understood.
His wife just fucking killed herself so of course he had to get away. The ways to cope with something like that with your son being dead and you being gone, were only so limited.
What Porco couldn't understand was when he asked your dad if your mom left anything behind.
"Yeah, she wrote a letter. But it was just to Y/N. So I threw it out." Your dad said to the pair.
And just like that, he was gone. And Pieck And Porco stayed until he was gone to search through the trash.
Pieck and Porco didn't want to read the letter. That would just be fucked up and beyond intrusive. But if the letter was addressed to you, then it was yours.
Sure you weren't close to your mom, but finding out the way she died the way she did, maybe you'd want some closure.
The letter had to be kept.
It doesn't take them long to find it. In fact, it's Pieck who finds it in her trash pile and who immediately hands it over to Porco and sniffles.
She starts crying but Porco can't look or comfort the girl. Because he knows as soon as he does, he'd start crying even harder. He couldn't do that. Not right now.
No, now he had to find a place to store the letter.
Porco had no idea where he was going to store the letter until you came back, but he knew he had to keep it safe.
He knew you probably wouldn't even read it because that was just the type of person you were.
But he just needed to make sure you knew there was a letter.
He takes the letter from Pieck's hand and stands up. He reaches his hand out to Pieck and she takes it to hoist herself up. "Now what?" The raven haired girl blubbers.
"We're gonna put it somewhere safe. Come on, Pieck."
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authors note
- i hope y'all enjoyed the chapter😁😁😁😁
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