I felt like such an idiot. I actually had my hopes up, I really did.
For as long as I can remember, I've been drilling it into my head not to have any high expectations at all. Especially with my parents. So why was I expecting anything?
I had my hopes high and clear that they'd be here. I don't want to, but I can't control it. I caught myself hoping they'd leave a card, a present, a message or a call. Forget the materialistic things, I was hoping they'd take a day off from work to spend some of it with me.
I'm never enough. I'm a waste of their time, that's what I'll always be to them. Maybe I thought I was somehow worthy because it's their only child's eighteenth birthday. A milestone, my entry into adulthood.
So, I woke up by myself in an empty home. My father did send me a message but he's not the emotional type. A simple happy birthday with some things here and there. At least he remembered, right? I should be grateful.
~
After making myself my favorite breakfast, I decided to light a little candle and sing happy birthday to myself. I just imagined my parents were sitting next to me. I stopped halfway through. I ate in solitude before doing the dishes and cleaning.
I decided to wear a floral dress for the lovely weather outside, I also let my hair loose. I can go for a walk later, maybe visit Mrs Sasaki. That's when he arrived. It was time for Wakatoshi's tutoring lesson.
Usually, Wakatoshi and I walk home together after school but today there wasn't any. Our school celebrates the arrival of spring by giving us the first day off.
I opened the door with the happiest expression whilst saying,
"Welcome Wakatoshi."
"Hello, Hana."
"Have you brought the play's script?"
"Yes I have. I do recall you told me we'll extend today's lesson to work on it, I wanted to thank you for taking more time to help me."
"It's my pleasure." I smiled.
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In the dark blue rental, Jin flips through his unfinished Shonen Jump manga, Eita chats with Reon in the back, Goshiki and Yu sleep on Yunohama's shoulders, Kai tunes out with an audiobook, Umeda and Yusho doze off on the windows, and Kiyomi and Hayato sleep in an embrace. Taichi, Shirabu, and Tendō are the only ones left awake, or at least fully conscious to the hushed atmosphere. They sat closer together at the front, listening to jazz music. Tendō much preferred Indie or Alternative music, but for the sake of the sleeping passengers, he was willing to make that sacrifice.
Tendō is still on the highway, loosely holding onto the steering wheel when he received a message from Wakatoshi saying he understood the plan and that they're currently studying.
"Got the green light boys! Everything's set." Tendō says while taking a rigid right, riled up with excitement.
"Let's hope Ushijima can do it." Taichi said.
"I think he'll pull it off." Shirabu replied.
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When I returned to school on Wednesday (yesterday) the day after missing school for an appointment, there wasn't that much conversation between us on the walk home. But today, there was catching up with notes, talking about the Hayashi rice I cooked him when he was sick and even talking about a bunch of things like our interests. It was all loaded with deep talks and memories. The highlight was definitely his improvement though.
I pointed to a tricky line from a passage.
"I must sacrifice the way my body has sacrificed its blood the night of the war."
Then, I pointed to the paper that read:
- Observe the words.
- Understand the meaning.
- Connect with the topic.
"Give me your best try, Wakatoshi!"
He looked at the paper, then the paper I read from. He sat back, looking at absolutely nothing. I could tell he really tried! He was finally able to blurt out,
"During war, the bloodshed is common."
"Yes, and..." He's going to get it!
"It's very valuable too."
"Mhmm..." I was about to explode with happiness.
"He wants to sacrifice something."
"Keep going!"
He gave me a considerate expression saying:
"He wants to sacrifice a lot of something."
"You got it!" I squealed.
"I've got to say Wakatoshi, you've made excellent progress! I think two more lessons with one final review and you'll be set. These past two months have been amazing, I think you'll pass Mrs. Ito's test easily."
He smiled. This time, it was different. He beamed a toothy smile, not the little smirks now and then. I was overcome with joy.
I stopped smiling for a second, looking at him. Seeing him happy this way made my guts twitch or flutter, one of those.
"Are you okay?" He looked worried.
"Yes I'm-" My head spun again like it has before.
Steadying myself against the table with my hand, I felt he steadied me more with his hands on my arm.
"I'll be right back, if you'll excuse me." I slowly walked to the kitchen to drink some water along with my afternoon dose of pills.
After that, we worked on his play. Though I didn't know the story, I helped lots when it came to his lines.
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Though she told me she's fine, I still have a feeling in my gut that she isn't. I could tell from her face that she's not doing that well. She had to hold on to my hand and the table to steady herself from something particular, I couldn't figure it out.
We worked on the play and I skipped the last couple lines. Though they were the most important, I didn't want to do them. I've dreaded them since the moment I first read them.
So we finished, and after a minute or two of sitting and laughing on the fluffy carpet from her hilarious Irish accent, I began. That's when I started working on the whole food plan Tendō told me to do.
"Hana, I'm going to the city area to pick up food for the team. Nakamura and the team are studying new tactics and things like that in the library in the city. She requested you come with me since I told them we were studying."
"That sounds like her, I'm not sure though." She said pondering.
"She was very very persistent, I'm going to get some food for them and then go to the library. I've also seen that they have a huge poetry section I'm sure you'll like."
"Since she's very persistent and since I get to read, I'll come with you."
"We'll have to take the train and public transportation. Is that alright with you?"
"Yes it is. I'll go and put my shoes on."
Sure enough, she came back with her cellphone and a strapped bag.
When she came down the stairs, I was almost completely hypnotized.
I never took a moment to look at her flowy dress and her loose hair. Both drip down perfectly, with her hair swaying past her shoulders. Her dress was right above her ankle, fluffy and ethereal. Her cheeks were pink, her eyes were full of anticipation. The dress is a light pink, feminine and well-fitted. It hugs her figure ideally, I can hardly look away.
She looked amazing. I haven't seen any girl look this way before, not to me. Seeing her walk down those steps, my insides felt weird. My stomach was contracting and retracting, my chest was swelling. It felt like they were flickering and fluttering. The sight of her did something to me, singing inexplicable. Am I sick again?
"Do I look nice?" She was reaching the last steps, and she put on a beige sun hat.
"You look beautiful." I was not supposed to say that.
"Thank you, Wakatoshi." She looked pretty shocked, happy. I saw a deeper hint of pink brush along her cheek, but they're always rosy. Must be the weather.
She walked over to me but we shared the same moment like the one on the roof, just looking at each other. I hadn't noticed how deeply enchanting her umber eyes were. In that moment, I was free to admire every stroke of honey color splattered in her irises.
That was until it was interrupted.
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I heard footsteps approaching the front door outside and immediately I could tell they were Mother's flats.
"Wakatoshi, you need to hide. Now."
"Why?"
"Mother doesn't know you're here and she doesn't know I'm coming with you. I need you to bear with me and hide in the closet for the time being. Quick, she's coming!"
I pushed him in the closet next to the house door and put my hat inside with him, pushing it to his chest. His eyes are wide but he doesn't make a peep.
"I'm really sorry, it'll only take a minute." I whisper. How embarrassing.
"It's fine." He had an understanding look on his face.
I opened the door, greeting her. She noticed I was wearing sandals and I wasn't wearing home clothes so she asked,
"Where are you going?"
"I was going to send you a message to ask for permission but um, I was going to go to Kiyomi's house. We want to start preparing for final exams early so we intend on studying a lot. We wanted to begin reading, reviewing, memorizing, all that."
I just detailedly lied. I don't lie. I never lie. Especially not to Mother. If she finds out where I'm going and who's here I'm doomed.
"I came to collect a file for work. You can go."
Disappointed, I was dumb enough to think she wanted to spend any time with me.
She turned her back and walked into the kitchen. In that instant, I opened the closet and the door, pulled Wakatoshi out by his hand and pushed him out the door saying,
"Thank you Mother, goodbye!"
When I closed the front door I sighed in relief.
"I can't believe I did that. We should go quickly, I don't want her noticing."
I just acted on instinct by taking his hand and running out the gate. He followed my lead, not doubting me for one second.
We chuckled a bit but we started walking and soon arrived at the bustling train station.
We rode the train and got on our connecting trains.
The entire time, I couldn't get my mind off how I felt very safe.
Last time I went on the city train, I always felt watched and stalked. With him, I feel somehow comfortable.
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Author: It's finally floral dress season y'all 💃💃