PRESIDENT DAMEN PRICE:
"So, what happens to my soul now?" I asked. There was a smoldering void burning the moldy beige carpet where a brave hero who I already forgot about once stood.
"What are you talking about, Damen?" Gabby asked. Considering I just rehired her, I felt she needed to refer to me as Mr. President.
"I guess I should ask my sex goddess intern who turned out to be a demon and probably knows whether my soul burns for eternity or goes to an all expenses paid cruise to Heaven." I turned to Lilly. "I brought you Mitch what's-his-name. Are we even now?"
Lilly had that confused expression that most people get when talking to me. Then the lightbulb of realization popped over her head.
"Oh, right," she laughed. "I almost forgot that I had that idiot dress up like Satan. Your soul is in no more danger than anyone else."
"That's a relief," I sighed.
"Except everyone's soul is in danger," her teeth gnashed. "My stomach is rumbling. Your soul will make a nice little niblet."
"While she does that, I'll judge his friends harshly," Gabby added. "That will hurt their feelings. Then I'll hurl them into the fiery pit for all eternity. That will suck too."
"This cannot be happening," Faizan cried. A wall of hellfire and heavenfire advanced towards us. It was hard to tell the difference. They were both really hot.
"Wait! There's secret panels and passageways all over the White House underground!" April shouted over the hell/heavenfire which was surprisingly noisy and smelled like rotting incense.
"Oh yeah!" I exclaimed. I wasn't aware of this, but my staff hid a lot of important presidential information from me. I frantically felt along the solid white wall for some latch or hidden panel.
"Is this for real, April?" Faizan asked. "Or is this another conspiracy theory?"
"Who cares. We gotta get out of here!" I shouted. I was banging on the wall, hoping an invisible door would open.
"No, I made the secret passageways up," April admitted. "I got the idea from reading Nancy Drew as a kid, She would always find stuff like that. I was hoping maybe we could too."
"What!" I shouted. "Does that mean we're gonna die! I don't wanna die!"
The flame wall was inching closer to us like in a movie serial or a Hellfire Jones movie. The only difference was that this was really hot and the sparks shot off like deafening firecrackers.
"It's okay," Faizan said to April. "I kind of understand your conspiracy theories now. When things get too crazy, your whacked out ideas must be comforting. They make sense when the world doesn't."
"What do you mean whacked out ideas?" April crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Faizan through those thick glasses that make any eye contact more intense. "Everything I've tried to tell you is true. You've never once been able to disprove me."
I got the feeling those two fought a lot. They reminded me of Tweedledemon and Tweedledeeemon from Hellfire Jones III. Those two were always scrapping and throwing sparks at each other, but never really did anything other than provide comic relief. We didn't need any comic relief at the moment. We needed answers and I was the only one man enough to say so.
"I never read Nancy Drew, so what would she do if there aren't any secret tunnels and crap?" I cried. I was crying only because the heat was upsetting my eyes. Also, I didn't pee my pants again, no matter what anyone said.
"I think Nancy would do this," April said as she stood on tip-toes, embraced Faizan and kissed him. A deep passionate kiss enhanced by the roaring flames that were going to burn our bones and turn our eyeballs to bubbling gelatin.
In other words, it was pretty sexy.
Faizan had that bug eyed expression after the kiss. "Wow," was all he managed to say.
"That was kind of hot," April grinned. "Your goatee itches, though."
"Yeah," Faizan said. "Not about the itching. About the hotness. I mean, I didn't see that coming. I thought we hated each other."
"Who would have thought two people that can't stand each other would realize their true feelings right at the end," April gasped. "Our fights only masked the lingering sexual tension. I never knew I even had any lingering sexual tension."
"I try not to overthink things," Faizan said. "If this magic is meant to be, it's meant to be. You did slobber a little bit there during our kiss, though. But in an endearing way, I guess."
"I've never kissed anyone before in my life," April admitted. "Except for my JFK blowup doll. And that was only practice for when it's revealed the real JFK has been held in suspended animation. He'll be so grateful to me for revealing the truth that he'll want to make out with me."
"TMI!" I screamed. "I do not want to die hearing this!"
I was wondering why the moving wall of flame hadn't engulfed us yet when I realized it wasn't moving. In fact, it was gone. Not that Romeo and Juli-nut job noticed.
"You have a blow up doll?" Faizan asked. "That's um...adorable."
"You won't be jealous of President Kennedy, would you?" April asked. "We're only going to make out. We're not even going to second base. Or third quarter. I don't really get sports."
"Jealous? Me?" Faizan backed away. "Of course not."
"It does bother you, doesn't it? You're not going to get all clingy are you?"
"I love you...possibly," Faizan said. "If we're going to make this work, I don't want you macking on the first president you see. Or the second, since we've already met a president. You're not into President Price are you?"
"Hell no!" April shouted a bit more emphatically than I think she really should have, given I'm the studly president in question. "And who says 'macking' with a straight face?"
"Who the hell thinks Paul McCartney is dead? Or that we've captured aliens who were dumb enough to crash here? Or that Ronald McDonald is real?"
"Okay," April started. Her face was completely red. "For one thing, 'Let It Be' spelled backwards is Ebtitel which translates to 'Paul is Dead.' Two, aliens were not dumb enough to crash. That's what the government wants you to believe. And three, there's a reason you don't see Ronald McDonald anymore and that's because he's in hiding because all the other clowns are trying to kill him. Would clowns try to kill someone who doesn't even exist? If you and I are gonna be a couple, you're going to have to start thinking for yourself."
"Let me kiss you again, and I'll let you know if it's worth it," Faizan said.
"Okay," April said.
"Hey!" I shouted. "The angel and the demon decided not to kill us!"
"What?" Faizan asked.
"While you two were busy with your little lover's quarrel, Gabby and Lilly told me that I wasn't worth bothering with, and they were leaving so they could enjoy the Apocalypse."
"Yes!" Faizan shouted as he fist bumped the sky.
"I'm relieved we're going to live too," I said. "Though I'm a little offended that I wasn't worth killing."
"Yeah, but even better, I don't have to kiss you," April said to Faizan.
"And we don't have to make out anymore?" he asked.
"Nope. We can go back to despising each other with the fiery fury of a thousand suns."
"Yesssssss!"
"I hate to break it to you lovebirds, but we're still doomed," I said. For once I was the voice of reason. That was kind of strange. "Mitch Murphy is dead, so there's nothing to stop the End of Days from happening. Maybe you two ought to have a shotgun wedding or something."
"Definitely not," April declared.
"The whole reason our friend, Mitch, is dead is because you had your thugs kidnap him and bring him here." Faizan pointed his finger at me just like the Ethics Committee always does
"Well, there was a little more to it than that," I said.
"And then you threw him to his death!" April added.
"I wouldn't exactly say I threw him. Maybe nudged would be a better word?"
"Either way, his blood is on your hands," Faizan said while doing more of that annoying pointing.
"There was absolutely no blood. He was zapped." I tried to look on the bright side. "This isn't the time to assign blame, especially if you're looking to blame me. We've got to team up and prevent the Apocalypse. I'm sure we can all get behind that, right?"
"And how do we do that, Hellfire Jones?"
"Well, it's a lot harder to think of something without a script," I admitted. Thankfully April had a plan.
"The Greys can help us," she said. "We just need to find the Greys."
She didn't have a plan that made any sense, but at least it took the heat off me.
"Who, what or why are the Greys?" Faizan asked in a deadpan tone that seemed to imply the honeymoon was definitely over.
"I talk about the Greys all the time, Faizan!" April shouted. "Don't you ever listen to me?"
"No. I really don't."
Honeymoon definitely over.
"You're worthless," April sighed. "President Price, you might be the only one that can help us now."
"I also answer to Hellfire Jones," I smiled. "Helping doesn't involve danger, right?"
"The Greys were the aliens captured at Roswell in 1947," April said. "And in Montana in 1965. And in New Orleans during the 1985 Mardi Gras when your Men in Black were distracting the crowds by throwing beads."
Throwing Mardi Gras beads also gets women to show their tits. I know this first hand.
"April, there are no Greys," Faizan sighed. "There are no aliens. There are no flying saucers."
"Yeah, there are,"I said.
They both looked at me like I was the smart one in the room.
"They're called Greys because they're gray," I explained, letting them bask in my knowledge. "Little tiny gray alien men who the Air Force first captured in Roswell. We kept them stored there until word got out that we were storing them, so we moved them to the White House basement along with a bunch of other crazy stuff like talking penguins and perpetual motion machines. Neither of those were very useful. Well, maybe the penguins."
"So you also know that the Greys are pivotal in the Apocalypse," April said.
No, all I knew was that they were little puny alien dudes I could flick with my finger. I nodded like I knew, though, and let April talk. She seemed to like to do that.
"It clearly says in the Book of Bug Eyed Spacemen, which the Bible cops wouldn't make canon that..."
"There are Bible cops?" Faizan asked.
"Of course. Pay attention!" April said. "There were people that chose what goes in the Bible and what doesn't. They didn't want aliens, Bigfoot or Spider-man in the Bible but the Truth always has a way of making its way known to those who will listen. People like me."
"And me," I said with my hand raised. I was the smartest guy in the room. People forget that sometimes.
"According to the Book of Bug Eyed Spacemen, the Greys were destined to join forces with the Prophetess and the Three Stooges to defeat the warring angels and demons to save the world."
"See!" I said. "We don't need your dead friend, after all!"
"I'm still going to smack you down when this is all over," Faizan threatened me. "I'm not sure if Shemp is officially a Stooge, but I guess we'll start by finding these aliens, right? Where are they, Mr. President?"
"They're here in the White House," I answered in my best authoritative Hellfire Jones voice. Kind of like when I said "The Kerthaktite Crystal will reveal the location of Infernius and his Hellfire Hoard." That was an awesome scene because that was when we knew we'd emerge from the dark night of the soul in Hellfire Jones V.
"You kept those poor intelligent beings trapped here?" April demanded. She was furious, like PETA for aliens. I just couldn't catch a break.
"I'm the president," I defended myself. "Aliens are someone else's department. Probably the Secretary of Nerds."
"But you know where they are?" Faizan asked.
"I know how to find them," I said, again very Hellfire Jones authoritatively. "There's a special elevator that will take us there. I, um, just don't know where it is because no one would tell me. You wouldn't believe how often that happens."
"We passed an elevator while we were running from the angel and the demon," Faizan said.
I didn't notice. I was too busy hoping I wouldn't die.
"Then let's go," April said. She and Faizan walked away, leaving me just standing there like I wasn't essential to our survival.
"Hey! Wait for me!" I cried in a very unpresidential voice that I kind of regret.
Lo and behold, there was an elevator that said CAUTION: AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL.
"I'm pretty sure I'm an authorized personnel. I'm the president."
"There's no button to press," Faizan said. "But there's a keyhole. Do you have a key?"
"I did, but I think I lost it," I said to disdainful glances which is why I hate doing press conferences because people's eyes are not very nice to me. "Normally I have someone else in charge of that kind of thing."
"As president, what exactly do you do?" Faizan asked. He obviously had no concept of the executive branch of government.
I rummaged through my pockets. There was my wallet, a condom, a list of people I was going to fire and a pack of gum. A key dropped to the floor.
"Bingo!" April said.
"Hey! That's the official presidential skeleton key," I told her. "That can only be used by the official president."
She didn't listen to me and picked it up anyway. I might have to hire her just so I can get the satisfaction of firing her. She turned the key and, unlike most elevators, it arrived right away.
Considering it was such an exclusive elevator, it really didn't look that special. I decided there should be pictures of me being super heroic on the walls. I called a random employee to work on this. There was no answer, probably because most people were dead. In my next State of the Union address, I'd have to talk about how being dead is counterproductive to America's goals.
What was special were the buttons on the elevator. Instead of numbers, there were symbols.
A nuclear mushroom cloud, an ankh, a T-Rex, an eye, an atom, an X, a skull and an alien.
Oh and a penguin! That button must take us to the talking penguins! But the mushroom cloud was tempting too, considering I never got a chance to blow anyone up.
Faizan pushed the alien button before I got to do anything. I was supposed to push the alien button!
The elevator lurched, knocking us all from side to side. I banged my head against the wall and got an ouchie which would require one of those band-aids with the presidential seal on it. The elevator then stopped for a second before hurling upward. Had this been a vomit inducing carnival ride, this would have been a lot of fun. When we're in a little box that's supposed to keep us alive, not so much.
"Push the penguin button!" I shouted. "The penguin!"
I always thought the president was the boss of everyone. April didn't seem to think so. She stumbled over to the buttons and pressed the alien.
This caused the elevator to stop, then plummet downwards. My cowboy hat flew off my head. It was like bungee jumping without the open space. Or the bungee.
"We're going to die!!!!!" I screamed.
For once in my life, no one told me I was wrong.
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