after spending the day with rue , i felt myself feeling sick and my head was pounding every second.
it was obvious the drugs i had been doing , was effecting me and my body. i wasn't gonna do that anymore , i didn't want to end up being an addict or something happening , im doing it because of the whole thing that happened.
so instead , i'm gonna try and get over it , not turn to drugs. it's not right.
my heart was currently throbbing , i had a hand holding it as if that would help , obviously it wasn't.
i was sitting in the living room of fezs house , alone. him and ashtray are at the store , i didn't want to go because i don't feel like that's the best option.
i wanted to talk to ashtray , i wanted to ask him so many questions but i also couldn't , i don't think i should.
but i would do anything other than sit here with my head pounding , so of course i stood up and made my way to the store.
i didn't know how to go about this whole thing , in serious situations i just make jokes to cover up to fact it's really bothering me , so maybe that's what i'll do. who's knows.
i hate that i have a huge heart , that i forgive the people i shouldn't. because , i want to forgive ashtray. and i shouldn't , not for this. but i don't want to completely give up on him , because before i seen myself with him , in a relationship.
i believe there's something good about him , aside from all of this. i just haven't seen it yet , and if i give up on him i'll never get the chance to.
i bit my nails , thinking of every single way this could go.
i knew ashtray doesn't trust me , and now i don't trust him as much as i would've.
so talking , asking questions and trying to move past everything may be difficult.
the sight of fezcos store made me nervous , i started walking slower and started overthinking if i should turn around while i have the chance.
but i kept walking , reaching the store.
i took a deep breathe before opening it , being met with fezco himself.
i gave a small smile , i wanted him to know i wasn't ever mad at him , more just disappointed but i shouldn't have been , i didn't know them. and i moved in with them after ashtray did what he did.
"hey kid." he smiled , raising his eyebrows.
i think he's surprised i smiled at him.
"hi.. is ashtray back there ?" i got straight to the point , wanting to ease the awkwardness.
he furrowed his eyebrows , looking at me like i was insane. "ashtray ?"
i nodded , slowly.
"yeah." he seemed unsure saying this , but he pointed to the freezers anyway.
"thanks." i said before making my way to the freezers.
i knew ashtray could probably hear me , because when i used to sit back here with him i could hear the people that came in.
i opened the door , making ashtrays head turn fast towards me.
meeting eyes with him , my whole body got hot. i was insanely nervous.
"hi." i said , not knowing how to start this.
he squinted his eyes , "what are you doin here ?"
i sighed , sitting down in front of him. i was now closer , maybe i should've stayed standing.
"i wanna ask you a question. or a few."
he looked at me , like he was reading me.
after a couple seconds he nodded , as if he was saying i could ask.
"okay." i let out , sighing as i did so.
"the night.. that i came to live with you , was that the night that you.." i paused , not wanting to just flat out say "the night you killed my dad"
"the night you did what you did.. to my dad." i finished , deciding it was a better choice.
he leaned back in his chair , and nodded.
so i was right , that's why it smelt like chemicals.
i had another question i wanted to ask , i know it happened at their house. and i wanted to know where , because it smelt like chemicals in the living room.. where i slept. but if i asked and he told me it was the living room , i would probably have nightmares.
i took a long pause , thinking of what i should ask him and how.
"why did you do it ?" i asked another question i was wondering , i did want to know the other one. but i was saving myself.
"i didn't like the way he did business , i was protecting fez."
the first part , pissed me off. you kill someone because you don't like the way they do business ?
but protecting fez , is more understanding.. i guess.
"okay." i decided not to ask any more questions , but i didn't want to leave just yet.
he kept his eyes on me , even though i was sitting there not saying anything.
"i don't know if trusting custer with that is the best idea." i let out my thoughts , wanting to tell him that.
i was upset and disappointed he did it , but i haven't even told the cops. custer on the other hand , he could.
"and trusting you is ? you're his daughter." he squinted his eyes , making me feel stupid.
"and yet i'm still here."
-
ashtray took that sentence in , hearing it over and over again in his mind.
she was right , he did what he did , to her dad. and she was still there , talking to him like she didn't hate him.
i'm all honestly he thought she hated him , since she had been avoiding him and barely even looking at him before , but know.. he doesn't know.
the girl was like mysterious , he felt.
he didn't know much about her , he didn't know how she felt about him. most of the time he can know how people feel without them telling him , just because most of the time it's obvious.
but with her , he can't.
it annoys him , but he also likes it.
or maybe he just likes her.
AUTHORS NOTES.
i'm okay ! thanks for asking ❤️
it was my stomach , but i'm better now.
also sorry i haven't been updating , i had not time.
and 2k reads ! that's almost like 2 thousand reads 😀 (credits: christopher sturniolo 🫶🏼)
and #1 on the ashtray# , insane.
💝