27.04.22
9:05
I think I may have loved enough in this lifetime, because sometimes I am in coffee shops, and I feel invisible. I think the thing is, I have just loved enough in this lifetime, have ached for over a year, and somehow found relief, and now that I have found relief, I am not sure how to open myself up again. There is wall surrounding me, pale white bricks that are as hard as the body of a guitar, but it's not really beautiful or melodic. I think it's just sad; how very sad. A guy who loved too much and now doesn't love at all. Some people say I am too picky, and maybe that's true; but I have picked cherry trees with rotting fruits disguising themselves as something sweet, and have made homes out of picket fences housing nothing by barren land. I have been locked out of my own self, my own body; my heart bleeding across the 405, wondering how atrocious I must be to be treated this way. I once learned how to hate myself in the name of love. The truth is, I am scared. But also, I hold myself to such high standards, is it so bad I want an equal? One time I dated a girl for three years and her best friend messaged me that she is so different now and has life purpose and kindness in her heart because of me, and she is so very grateful that I came in and saved her. I think, at the time, I thought that was flattering, but now I feel the opposite. I don't want to fix anyone or teach anyone how to be.