Aliyu
It was hard for me to accept. The army was my peace. It had been three years but everything still feels the same. I sometimes wonder if I'm still a good child. Will my Mama be proud of the person I become? I shut my family out after I joined the army, I didn't know how they are doing for good three years now. And since phone isn't allowed here I didn't mind calling them at all. It was all getting to me now, and it's killing me. So I let it out, I cried my pain out. And I am happy I have a shoulder to cry on, her shoulder.
She didn't stop me at all or asked why I was crying. The last time I cried like this was on my mother's corpse. I stopped after I felt like I had enough. She helped me with water and I washed my face and then drink some. She made fun of how I looked when I was washing my face.
I decided to narrate my life to her. To tell her everything. Everything about me. Even the ones I have never said out loud before. Why did I decide to tell her? Because I want her to be a part of my life. I always want to be with her. I want to spend more time with her. I want to share my secrets with her even the deepest. I want to stay with her. Our little conversations when I bring her dinner are the best part of my day. She has managed to consume me completely. She has become the only thing on my mind lately.
During training, it's her.
During food, her.
Prayers, her.
Everything I do it's her, all her. The feeling is strange, I have never felt it before and I don't want it to go away.
•••
"I've always wanted to be a soldier, since when I was a kid though my dad wants a different thing for me. I have always been a mommy's pet, my mom loves me the most as she doesn't hide it and my siblings don't care cause they have our dad. My mother was my only happiness, the only person I looked up to, she was my everything.
My sisters used to make fun of me for being a Mama's baby as old as I am, saying I was probably still staying single cause I can't be without Mama. My dad always says he cannot wait for me to find my own Hafsa and leave his Hafsa (My mother) to him alone as I always claim that I will only marry a woman named Hafsat.
My family was a simple happy home of My Dad, Mom, Me, Muneeba, Muneefa, and Hafsat. I still remembered how Hafsat was named, I was six years old when she was born, and Mama gave me the privilege of naming her myself and Hafsat being the only female name I love, I named her that. Abbah was against it cause to him she can't be named after her mother, naming kids after someone in the family isn't his thing, and as usual, Mama supported me. Hafsat didn't just take after Mama's name but some of her traits too. She has her voice and looks a lot like her more than all of us. This was also why I left home, seeing Hafsat breaks my heart. The twins take a lot after our father and no matter how much I pretend to not see it and claim that I take after our mother, I am the replica of Abbah. Hafsat takes after Mama and the twins and me after Abbah.
Everyone knows the love between me and Mama is extraordinary, I sleep in her room sometimes even at my age. I love laying my head on her lap as she touches my hair, I am always playful with her. There are lots of things I love doing with her, and it breaks me to think of not getting them ever again.
I still vividly recall the day, the day that I lost her. It was the day I was to take over one of the family's companies. I was almost twenty years old and in my third year in college when my father decided on letting me into his business. The ceremony was to take place in one of the newest M.M Corporations that was recently built, one that my father wants me to manage entirely on my own. Mama decided on going before us to be sure that things were going as exactly planned, she was the type of person that made sure everything goes well. She came to my room before she left, and she helped fixed my necktie as usual complaining about how I still couldn't tie it well. She then sat on the bed motioning me to do the same. We talked, talked about a lot of things. The longest talk we haven't had in a while. We talked about my future, my religion, my life, and on how this world is a temporary place. I thought we talked about all that because I was taking the next step in my life, and she was just advising me. I didn't know that she was saying goodbye, that it was the last time I will ever talk to her. I happened to tell her that she was saying things as if she was going to die and she said she won't mind dying now but she hoped she will be with me when I find my Hafsat. I changed the topic immediately, if there was a thing I hated is thinking of my Mama dying. She checked her time and told me she had to go and I escorted her to the car. My sisters were not ready and I was to go with them that was why I didn't follow her. We talked about a lot of things but she emphasized on me being patient, even while she was in the car she told me that everything happens for a reason. Maybe she felt it in her that she was dying. Maybe that was why she kept telling me to take care of everyone. Maybe that was why I felt empty when her car drove away. It happened in three hours, just three hours. My life was ruined in three hours. Completely"
•••
I paused, took a deep breath, and washed my face again. I have always avoided remembering this, it was a memory I thought I had erased from me. But I am ready to say it now even though it's hurting me, I want to tell her. I have to tell her.
Maybe she noticed my hesitation and says "You don't have to tell me if you can't"
I looked at her and she smiled, I cannot see it but her eyes says it.
"I understand" She said again.
I nodded and nonetheless continued, holding onto her hands tighter.
•••
They were finally ready and we walked to the car.
"Let's take a picture," Muneeba said bringing her phone out and the others came around me to pose.
"I am not taking a picture with any of you without my Mama"
Muneefa scoffed and Hafsat rolled her eyes. "She is not only your Mama big boy" Abbah joined our conversation fixing my necktie yet again.
His phone rang getting our attention, and I don't know why my heart stopped beating for a minute. We couldn't hear what the person on the other line was saying but it doesn't sound like a piece of good news.
"Innalillahi Wa Inna Ilaihi Rajiun" Abbah exclaimed and the phone fell from his hands, falling onto his knees in the process and repeating the same thing over and over.
Hafsat being the little one was already crying, the twins were asking him what was going on. They all joined Abbah on the floor and I was standing like a statue wondering what sort of bad news will break Abbah like this, especially on today's happy occasion. I didn't know how long it was but I took the phone when I recovered from the shock I went into. The call was still ongoing, it was Abbah's secretary. I find myself speaking to him and he repeated what he said to Abbah. Everything in me crumbles after hearing his words.
•••
I buried my face in my hands, I don't think I can handle saying that. I let go of her hand and stand up.
"Hey?" She called out and joined me. "You don't have to tell me" She added holding my hand again.
"I get it don't be hard on yourself"
This is the first time I was telling someone about myself, the first time I talk about my family since I left them. And the first time I am seeing how bad my decision was. I was completely blinded by my pain that I caused them more pain. How was I so selfish?!
•••
I will never forget what he said, the words will forever remain in my head.
"Sir there is a sudden fire outbreak in the company and your wife and a few others are inside but we are trying our best to rescue them"
I cannot remember what happened or how I got to the company. All I wanted was to see my Mama. I rushed out of the car and the sight broke me yet again, the building was completely engulfed in flames, and knowing my mother was in there had me running towards it without a second thought. Saving her was my only hope. The securities or whatever they were stopped me from going inside. They held me tight so that I couldn't let go, no matter how hard I tried. I fell onto my knees begging them to let me go to my mother.
She was brought out on a stretcher alongside others. I got myself out of their grip and ran to her. She was covered in blood, injured, and looked lifeless, the smile plastered on her face was the only good thing that showed she doesn't seem to be in pain. I cannot believe this was my Mama, my mama that was with me just a few hours ago is the one that was laying in her blood, bruised all over her body.
"Mama? Mama!" I called her name. "Maamahhh" I cried whilst shaking her waiting for a movement from her, hoping her eyes would open. "Mama"
All I needed was for her to get up and tell me that everything will be okay. I heard them talking, they were saying no one survived. Are they telling me that Mama is dead?
Someone touched me from behind and tried getting me up. "Aliyu get up"
"Yusuf please tell me that Mama is not dead" He didn't answer me but helped me stand up.
"Allow them to take her to the hospital" He said getting me up and she was taken into the ambulance.
We followed them to the hospital, my whole body trembling. I recited any dua that came to me on the way, my only prayer was for my mama to be alive. We met Abbah and my siblings there. Hafsat hugged me immediately and it turned into a group hug with my siblings. That was the only time I was there for them, the only time I comforted them. Abbah was sitting on the floor with bloodshot eyes only saying some duas. Pain and sadness can be felt by anyone even from a long distance, the only thing that remotely lightens the mood is whatever show that was going on the hospital television.
One of the employees from the company came to Abbah telling him that the fire resulted from the power supply, some wires were not put in place and due to the high number of electric gadgets that were in the building, the fire spread fast. He was talking to Abbah but I don't know how I reached where they were and punched him, my anger always gets the best of me. How could he tell us that in the situation we were? Yusuf and Abbah stopped me from giving him another punch and that was when the doctor came calling for our attention.
"I am sorry to tell you that she is gone"
The floor of the above room she was in collapsed on her, it was a miracle that her body was found whole. It collapsed onto her lower part and she died instantly at the scene. Her death was indeed tragic.
Hafsat fainted immediately, the twins going to her aid. Abbah fell on the floor again and Yusuf went to his aid too.
How could it be? She was perfectly fine, we were together just a few hours ago. Why? How could she leave us so soon? I just couldn't believe it. A whole floor fell on my Mama. She felt the pain alone, I wonder in what situation she died.
We went back home with her body. It was hard to believe and there was nothing we could do about it but get her ready to meet her lord. Her body was prepared, and I took part in the ritual bath alongside Abbah, the Imam, and Muneefa. I don't even know how to explain how strong Muneefa is in the heart. I couldn't believe that she is gone and held onto the hope that she will move and everyone will know that she is not. The smile on her face also made me not believe it.
The ritual bath was done and she was dressed, we followed all the processes that has to be done for a deceased and she was ready to be taken to her final abode. We were asked to pray for her individually and say goodbye before she will be taken away.
I cried on her body so much that I ran out of tears. I know is not good to cry for the dead, but I couldn't control it. I cannot believe I was to bid her goodbye forever. How could she leave me now? When I only have started making it in life? When I almost took the next step? When I haven't found my Hafsat yet?
I know she is gone and cannot hear what I was saying but I talked to her like she could hear me, I bid her goodbye.
"Mama? I never thought that death will take you away from me soon. I know I am delaying you right? With your smile, I know you are eager to meet your Lord. I pray paradise will be your final home. A building collapsed on you, you got your ticket to paradise right in the world. You are really lucky Mama. But I don't think I can survive without you, I have a feeling that I will follow you soon. It hurts that I cannot take my own life. I would be really happy if I die now and my body will be buried right next to yours. But like you always said, you don't always get what you want. I pray for your soul to rest in peace Mama. I love you. Goodbye till we meet again"
That was my prayer for my Mama. I pray to die soon and join her, I cannot be in this world without her. I pray for my body to get buried next to her.
They came to take her to the cemetery, and I was taken away from her and they picked her up. I will never see her from this time onward. I watched them as they went away with my Mama. I don't have the heart to follow them there and watch her get buried, I cannot witness that so I stayed back. I stayed in the middle of the house, right where they left me when they took her body away. Mama was gone. I stayed there till they returned from the cemetery, without her. She was gone.
Condolences were passed, and people showed their sympathy. As everyone knew the love between us. Abbah came to get me up, the Imam, Yusuf, his dad, my uncles and almost everyone but I refused, I stayed there on my knees.
Maghrib and Isha prayer came and go, I was still there. We prayed Asr before her ritual bath, I knew I prayed Asr physically, but not mentally I don't even know whether I had recited anything. It was just too hard to believe that she is gone. I stayed there hoping for death to take me immediately, I don't mind dying without saying the prayers I missed if I get to die now. I only want to die.
Hafsat was brought back from the hospital, she was also really close to Mama. How is she taking her demise? She came to me. She talked to me. She put sense back into my head. "This is Allah's way of testing us Yaya Aliyu, we have to accept it no matter what. Mama didn't deserve this from you. She would be disappointed. If it was any of us that die not her, Mama would not do this. She would have been on her prayer mat praying, asking Allah to forgive the soul of the demise even if it's you. Get yourself together"
Mama did raise us well, thirteen-year-old Hafsat said this. If she could take this in how could I not?
"At least you get to say goodbye to her" She said again her voice breaking and I couldn't help but hugged her. We went through another session of tears and she helped me up and I went to the mosque.
I prayed. I prayed a lot and stayed there. Yusuf try to make me eat, and he try to get me out of the mosque but I didn't. I spent the night there and he stayed by my side like always.
I didn't know how the days went by so far when it was slow and difficult for me. People stopped coming after the fortieth day, that was all for them.
I have been staying in Mama's room since her demised. I only eat to survive.
Abbah called me, I haven't talked to him since the day we lost her. I haven't talked to anyone at all. He consoled me. He gave me words of patience and endurance.
I thought he moved on so fast to tell me that he will be going back to work and was asking if I could join him. I thought he was not in pain. I forgot that he needed to be strong for us. I forgot that he also lost a loved one. He also lost his wife, his partner, his love, and the mother of his kids.
I left the house after three months of her death, I ran here. I joined the army. Yusuf followed me when he found out. Abbah and Yusuf's father came to me. They tried to change my mind, but I am me. Only Mama change my mind on things, and she is gone so no one can make me do what I didn't want to. Abbah never ceases to send money to my account and fend for me. Yet I have never gone back or heard from my family since then. It has been almost six years now. It hurts me to ignore them but holding on to the fact that I cannot be with Mama only because I am in the army made me stay back. I was too selfish. I missed her. But I cannot keep lying to myself. Mama is really gone"
•••
Hey! I am a reader that hardly reads the author's note😁🌚 but I am surprisingly selfish that I want all of you to read mine which is why I put it in the middle of a chapter even though I know not all of you will but please do read it. The story continues after it. Thank you for your time🫂❤️
Writer's Note
I am glad you stumbled across my book and reading this far, I am truly grateful. I am not a person with a lot of readers and I am grateful for the ones I have including the ghost readers, thank you too for being a reader. It really means a lot to me that you pick my book and give it a chance.
I just happened to write something heavy on death while writing this chapter and want to share it with y'all....
"This is life. We came individually and will go individually. Your loved one will die and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it but let them go. No matter how much that person means to you and how it will break you. You will feel like you can never continue without the person as you thought that he or she was your world but you will, not immediately but you will surely go on as long as it is not your time to go. You will continue without that person. You will find yourself laughing when you thought you will never smile again. You will find yourself enjoying life when you thought it was all wrong to do that when your loved one is gone. But that is it, Allah who has the power to take that person from you also takes away the pain that comes with it. You can never forget the death of a loved one or the pain it caused, life just keeps you busy from living with it. Prayer is the only thing you can offer and give to your deceased loved one and pray you get reunited again in the hereafter"
May the soul of those who died rest in peace. Ameen. And to us who lost a loved one and close relations, May the Lord give us the strength to take it all in. And may their soul continue to rest in peace, Ameen.
•••
Aliyu
I am relieved that I shared this with someone, it was like a huge burden was taken off of my heart. I cannot say I have gotten over it. But I think I am ready to go back, I will finally go back once this training is over. I didn't tell her to show me any sympathy. Or for her to tell me about her.
She gave me water again and I gulped the whole bottle down. I throw it into the dustbin and chuckled at the number of bottles we had used since we came to the field. She rest her head on my shoulder and we stayed in a comfortable silence.
"You don't have to say anything you know?" I speak as the silence was killing me and she nodded. "I know"
She took a deep breath in and get up from the bench then faced me. She stretched her hands out opting for a handshake and I did.
"Congratulations," She said and helped me up. "I don't even know what to say but you are a fighter Aliyu. What you went through is something not everyone can even imagine themselves in" And she hug me.
I was slightly taken aback by how she talked because this is the longest she has ever talked and she said my name but hugging me completely surprised me.
"You telling me all this means you really trust me and I can't help but be grateful for that," She said letting me. "Thank you for telling me about you and may Mama's soul continue to rest in peace"
I replied with an Ameen and we get back to sitting again.
I thought she would show pity like everyone who heard about me and my mom or maybe just keep quiet but her reaction made me more happier than telling her about it. Yeah, she had cried while I was telling her but her not disrupting me even for a minute or asking questions made me enjoy telling her.
"You actually deserve an award for surviving yourself Aliyu," She said out of the blue. "Ask me one thing you want to know about me"
Hearing that made me forget all the pain I was carrying.
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I spent the whole night writing this chapter and the next😫 and it the longest chapter I have written so far. I also deserve an award😮💨