ellie grazer
| 𝗦𝗘𝗖𝗢𝗡𝗗 𝗧𝗛𝗢𝗨𝗚𝗛𝗧𝗦 |
#. 017
𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗥𝗢𝗢𝗠 was quiet when I had woken up. I didn't know how long I was out for but it was still light out. I blinked away my tiredness, my eyes still being slightly sore as I rolled over. Only when I saw Alina was when the previous happenings had flashed across my mind. A smile had instantly stretched across my cheeks as I watched while she laid on her back and stared at the ceiling. She hadn't looked my way just yet so I propped myself up, causing her to glance at me.
"Hi." I said quietly. My skin was tingling and I felt so giddy. The grin on my face was only an understatement to my fluttering stomach.
She turned her head to me, her smile not as wide as mine, hers was barely visible actually. "Hi." She said back, yet wasn't nearly as enthusiastic as me. I had to frown, her behaviour now confusing me.
I shuffled closer to her, questioning why she seemed so off. It just didn't really seem like her. I had myself pushed up on my elbow, my eyebrows now slightly bent. "You okay?"
She seemed to change after that, her demeanour going back to normal. "Oh, yeah." It was like she had shaken it off. "I'm okay. Are you?" She asked while pushing a smile between her cheeks.
My smile extended once more and I nodded. I admired her face, her beauty and her lips, her beautiful plush lips that I wanted to kiss. I came closer, now slightly touching her, and began to lean towards her. She stayed where she was, lying still and didn't lean in or away. Feeling the welcome to kiss her, I went in all the way and gently pressed my lips against hers.
It was a soft kiss. A sweet one that I wanted to last. It drew electricity from my skin and made my insides melt. Never would I have thought that I would be kissing Alina Dormer. It did feel different though. I couldn't help but notice that she didn't push in. She didn't raise her head or really move her lips at all. She didn't kiss me back.
I pulled away, releasing her mouth with my previous smile. She gazed into my eyes but it didn't feel the same. She looked back but it didn't feel as genuine as my gaze did. I flickered my eyes back to her lips and started to draw back in once more but couldn't because she had pulled her head away and stood from the bed.
"I'll um, put away our clothes." She said dully but in a way where she sounded like she was trying to think of an excuse.
I pushed myself up, now leaning on my hand as I stared at her with an even harder frown. She was picking up our clothes and was avoiding my stare. What was she doing?
"Are you okay?" I asked again, this time much more concerned. She hadn't really done anything to alarm me but she was just off. She seemed colder and much more abrupt. It wasn't her.
"Yeah." She replied while still not looking at me and instead walked off to the hamper where she dumped the clothes in.
I sat up fully now, my hands now resting in my lap and I just looked at her. My stomach felt weird and my gut did too. She wasn't looking at me. She was doing everything but looking at me. She walked past the bed and I had to reach out to her, grabbing onto her wrist to stop her from walking. It stopped her though and it finally got her to look at me.
"What's wrong?" I asked her, worry now heavy as I tried to understand what was wrong. I wanted her to talk to me.
She was trying to pull her wrist away. I could tell and it really did sting. "Nothing." She shook her head slightly and pulled a confused face. "Honestly." She chuckled but it still sounded so off.
"No, you're-" I didn't have time to finish as she had once again walked off. Was she mad at me? I followed her with my eyes, hoping she would at least sit down with me and talk to me about what was troubling her. I knew it was something.
"Why don't you go take a shower? Clean yourself up? We can get some dinner after." She told me as I finally saw her look back at me.
Smiling, I nodded. "Yeah, okay." Was there something planned? Maybe that's why she's acting so weird. I didn't really have a clue though. It was probably me just overanalysing. "Are you sure you're okay though?" I had to ask again.
"Yes." She nodded, quicker this time and I figured I wouldn't overdo it. I really didn't want to annoy her but I didn't know if she actually was upset.
I had no other choice but to let it go though and I pulled the covers from my legs. I was only wearing the hoodie that I was previously wearing so as I stood, I went straight to the closet to grab some underwear and leggings. I started to walk towards the shower before looking back at Alina who was once again occupying herself with anything other than looking at me.
My frown returned as I entered the bathroom and locked the door. It was only then when my gut really started to hurt and my stomach was turning. I had a bad feeling. I didn't know why or why it was there. But something just felt weird. Alina felt weird. She was acting weird and I didn't understand why. I didn't know whether I had done something or is something had happened but I was worried. And something was wrong.
⚘᠂
I let the steam out of the bathroom and stepped out while I used my towel to scrunch up my hair and dry as much as I could. Although, I only managed to take a couple steps out of the bathroom because the state of the room had caught my immediate attention.
The beds had been pushed apart and were put back to where they originally were yet that wasn't the only thing that made me pull a face. Cardboard boxes were out and things were messily thrown into them. Then there was Alina, who was standing by her bed and was placing clothes into a box in front of her. There was clothes all over her bed. What the fuck was she doing?
"What are you doing?" I couldn't help but nervously laugh as I eyed her with a strange look. I eyed the room strangely too. But mainly Alina. I mean, she'd done all of this. I didn't really know what was happening or what she was doing so all I could do was stare at her and await an explanation.
She didn't look at me, only continuing to fold clothes. "I um," she paused. "I was thinking about what we said before and I'm going to move rooms. I went to the front desk and I'm changing rooms in a week." She explained it like it was nothing. She was blunt and just sounded so closed off, like it was something she had already settled on. "Wanted to get some early packing done."
"What?" The words left my mouth a little too loudly as I only looked at her, stunned, confused. It didn't even process all the way but I was in shock nonetheless. Maybe she was joking. She had to be. I actually ran with that idea as another nervous laugh fell from my mouth as I looked at her bed and all the clothes and half filled boxes on her sheets. "You're not being serious." I stated. It was more to myself if anything but I was still so dismayed by her words.
She didn't reply, only continuing to shove things into boxes. Why wasn't the joke over? I only watched her throughout this moment. My eyes bending closer together and my lips now parting. She couldn't even look at me once and her stuff was just continuing to pile up in the cardboard. She just seemed to be rushing and looked like she wanted to get away from me. My heart started to hurt once more.
"Can we at least talk about this?" I asked in worry as I looked towards her, slightly in hope of an actual answer and explanation. But I didn't get one. She remained silent and only packed more and more things into the box. All I did was watch as she did this, my stomach only turning more and more. "Alina." I spoke in increased concern as I dropped my towel to the floor and I couldn't help myself but to rush over to her. I had to reach out, stopping her hands from placing a hoodie into the box. "Can you stop packing and talk to me?" I asked her, again while taking note of the way she instantly stepped back from me. "What's going on?" I stepped towards her, reaching out my hands, but was only brushed away, in the worst way possible.
"Please, don't touch me." A knife it was. A knife right through my heart.
I stood where I was, my arms now slowly retracting to my side as I just looked at her with a blank face. I couldn't process it enough to allow a reaction onto my face but I was hurt. So hurt. The way she exclaimed it. The way she genuinely seemed so against my touch. My heart actually started to break apart.
"What?" It was all I could muster. It was all I could say. I just wanted to know if she was okay. What had happened? I know we said we'd do that but that was before we kissed. It was before we had slept together. I thought her opinion would've changed.
She finally looked back into my eyes. But it didn't seem like her natural gaze. And it wasn't for long at all as she had already began to shake her head. "Just- just don't, okay?" She spoke and her voice had cracked. She only walked away after that and she began to pick up more of her clothes.
I followed her with my eyes, only realising more and more that she was being serious. My chest fell inwards as I released a slow exhale. It almost expressed my confusion more than my facade.
"What are you doing?" It was such a stupid question but I just didn't know what else to say, what else to do. I couldn't do anything but just hope she was joking.
Once again, she didn't reply. Not once as she walked from the closet to her bed and went back to folding more of her stuff. I looked down at the floor and it was then when I noticed that there was three boxes that were already filled to the brim. I was so confused. Had I done something? Why couldn't she just talk to me?
"Alina." My voice broke, slightly too much too soon but it did. And it was noticeable. "Stop, please." I was begging. I wasn't proud of it but I was. Her actually leaving was now just beginning to weigh down. I pulled one of her dresses out of her hands just as she sighed and turned away. It was harsh. She was annoyed. "Look, has something happened? Is it something I did? Let's just talk about this before you start packing boxes." I commented, quite quickly actually. It was only because I was desperate. I had never been this desperate before.
"Talk about what?" She exclaimed, her tone taking me back. "We've already discussed this, Ellie." Alina now looked at me again. Her stare now feeling completely different, something of a stranger.
"Yeah but" my breaths were heavy as I tried to clear my head. I needed to be the calm one here. I needed to make sure she wasn't going to step a foot outside that door. "That was before we..." I trailed off because I could see that she understood what I was saying. I knew this from the scoff sound that she had made.
"I'm still switching." It was a simple sentence. Yet, it continued to rip my heart that much more. I couldn't even feign a 'what?' As she began to try and move past me and get back to packing.
"Why?" I almost pleaded. No, I did plead. Of course I fucking did. "Is it about what we did? If you have second thoughts then it's okay." I flushed, trying to reassure her if that was actually the reason to her behaviour. I pushed a smile between my cheeks as I tried reaching out to her, again.
"What?" She pulled her own frown this time. She was practically scowling at me through her confused glare.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I tried to talk gently and remain sweet with her even though I was so hurt. If something really was upsetting her then I couldn't be mad at her. "We can. It was a big thing that we did and-" I tried to comfort her but she had cut me off.
"You don't get it, Ellie." She shook her head and looked at me from afar, her look was so pained and addled. I could only stump where I was and look at her, almost edging her to continue on but was also expressing how worried I was. "Do you have any idea of what we've done?" The question was rhetorical but made me pull a face. I wasn't stupid. However, I let her continue. "Or what this has done to me?" I didn't know whether she was waiting for a reply but I didn't give her one, I was too confused to even speak really. She saw this and chuffed. "I have a boyfriend. I'm in a relationship. A good one at that. I have friends and I have a life here. And I am not going to ruin that." She just sounded so antagonising.
"You won't ruin it-" I tried to testify but I was cut short.
"We've fucked, Ellie." She spoke louder this time. "Why don't you understand that?" She breathed, her voice now becoming much more stressed.
I had to pause. I had to let what she said hit me. I perhaps showed it on my face but it wasn't my concern, my concern was what she had said. The shit she fucking implied. I just froze. It is what we did but it was the way she said it. Every bit of me only starting to crumble as I reconciled with her words. My heart was actually breaking and I was actually feeling it happen. I wanted to be sick.
"So," I had to pause again, swallowing hard as I had to brace myself on even asking it. "You regret what we did?
Now, it was her turn to hesitate. I actually watched her bite her lip and look away from me while her own head tossed. She was contradicting the answer to my question but I was looking for words, not actions. But I did notice that it broke her. Maybe slightly but it did. Maybe she didn't even know the answer.
"We shouldn't have done it." She quickly spat out and it was now when I could see her eyes become glossy. It wasn't an answer. She didn't answer my question. Alina only hinted towards her answer with the way her face melded a 'don't do this' expression. It was her first moment of weakness and she looked so defeated. I wanted to hold her, hug her and tell her that it was okay, even though I was hurting just as much as she was.
"Do you regret it?" I asked again, firmer this time. Despite the lack of sternness in my body.
It was now her first lip quiver. Her first slump in her posture. It all happened while her eyes only seemed to swim deeper. "I don't want to feel like this." It was quiet. Well, quieter. I was so hurt but I just wanted to comfort her. "I don't want to be gay. I can't be and I won't be." She sniffled now just as my body crumbled. She had to hesitate and look down, trying to hide her single tear that I had already seen. "I don't want to like girls."
I stared at her. I was trying so hard to sympathise with her. I did, to an extent. But my heart was still in pieces. I knew what she was trying to say. Or I knew what she was hinting at. And I hated it. We were happy not even an hour ago and now this? I was going to be sick. My eyes stung with tears. I tried to hold back as much as I could. It felt as though I was the one trying to piece this all together. Piece us back together again.
"So," it was a crack. A hard crack. It was a replacement to the whimper that I was trying so hard to not let slip. "Are you just going to pretend?" I was shocked that I could even seal words together but I was doing it . Barely, but I was doing it.
Tears were threatening to spill out of her eyes too. She'd actually released some but it was only a few drops. But it was enough to show exactly what she felt. She was hesitating while staring at me and was breathing through her teeth. It felt like she was just preparing me for when she would indefinitely break my heart.
"What other choice do I have?" It was a whisper. A feigned one filled with breath. But I heard it. I heard every word.
The distance between us stayed the same but it felt like I was getting further and further away. It was cold without her near me.
"You could be with me." I didn't even think as I talked. The sentence just spilled out. It was the confidence in my feelings that I had never felt before. "Is that not a choice?"
I didn't really know what I was expecting for an answer. The least I wanted to hear was a simple, 'it is'. But she said nothing. She just stared at me while continuing to fight back her tears.
"Is it?" I pestered her, my crave for an answer only worsening.
Her lips now tightened together and I watched her shake her head. "No."
I had to expect the unexpected but I thought that I would at least be an option. I had to let go of the short breath I was holding and it shot out of my lips like a bullet. This whole time it felt like my feelings were just a play. I didn't want to feel like I'd wasted my time but I had.
"But he is." I stared at her and told her the truth and only that. I knew it before she even needed to say it. I was challenging her and she felt it. I didn't understand how he could be a choice and I couldn't be.
"What do you want me to say?" She choked out. She didn't even know herself and it made me all the more angry. I could understand that emotion now. I was upset and angry, simple emotions that fuelled all my words.
It was enough of an answer. She wanted him. And she didn't want me. I now couldn't help but believe that she didn't want me at all. It was clear. I had to look away from her after that, shutting my eyes in the process to haul back my tears but it only did the opposite as the floodgates had only been opened and tears were now humming at my cheeks.
"So, you're just going to pretend?" I turned back to her, pushing away my urges to shield away from this conflict. I was too upset to back down now. "Just going to use him so that people don't think you like girls?" It came out harsh. Maybe too harsh. But I was beginning to lose control over the situation now and even I couldn't keep the peace because I myself, wasn't at peace at all.
"I'm not using him." She instantly bit back, without any pause this time. She was quick at coming to defend herself and the claims against her. "I love him." She spoke harsher this time. Maybe anger was a surfacing emotion to her as well. "He's my boyfriend."
"But that didn't stop you from kissing me." I don't think she expected to hear that as her lips had pursed and she had pulled her head back slightly. "Why'd you do it with me?" I kept my stare on her.
She was hesitating again.
"Why'd you do it with me?" I repeated the question, tired of whatever the hell she was doing. I just couldn't understand her. For the life of me, I couldn't understand why she was doing this to us. I mean, she was acting like the thought of us itself, was repulsive.
Once again, she couldn't talk. Well she could, she just chose not to. And it was seemingly a problem for her. I could tell she was trying to think of words to say. She was trying to come up with a response to me. I figured this out through her entire hesitates and pauses. For however long she looked at me, she looked all the more broken hearted. I could see in her eyes that she didn't want to do this, so why was she?
"Because I wanted too." It was simple, yet it confused me greatly. Her explanation was now all that I awaited for, so I was going to listen. "And that's why I'm so afraid." She stuttered out while her lungs raked in a harsh breath. Her vision crawled back to mine while her pupils swam. "I wanted to kiss you." Her voice was tiny, it didn't have her normal glee to it. "I wanted to do it with you." She sniffled and seemed to be revelling in her own apparent 'wants'. 'Wants' she just seemed so ashamed of. "I wanted to kiss a girl." It was like a confession, I saw it all over her face. "And I have never wanted to kiss a girl before. But now I have. And I'm so scared." Her eyes remained on mine as I looked at her with so much sorrow. She looked to be falling apart with every passing second. "I don't want to want that, Ellie. I don't want to think about any of this."
I shut my eyes and slightly dropped my head to let her words run through me. I could only begin to imagine how scary this was for her as I myself had been through this revelation before. I knew I had to say the right things and comfort her in the best way because I didn't want to lose her. Even if she was just my friend. I couldn't just not have her in my life.
I nodded. "I know that this is so hard for you." I looked up and walked a little closer, the steps were very tiny but it was enough to narrow the distance that much more. "And I know that you're so confused and scared." She looked back to me, breaking into more waves of tears. "But, do you really think that leaving and going back to him, will change how you feel?" My chest was hurting and I was actually beginning to understand that I was fighting for someone right now. I was actually fighting for someone that I didn't want to give up on.
The contact broke after that, with her eyes dawdling away from mine, almost in thought. They were in thought. The fact she even had to think about it was enough of an answer to me for me to understand that she really didn't want to do that. It was obvious she didn't. I was only begging that she wouldn't force it upon herself.
Her pupils crawled back to mine, weakly. It didn't feel as nice as it did yesterday whenever she looked at me and it now felt like a knife, dragging down my skin. "I don't know." It was a weak whisper. One where she sounded so pained and didn't even know herself. What could she have known? "But I have to try."
I grew cold after that. An instant breeze had warped my body while the sight of her disappeared out of my peripheral vision. My eyes were burning and I let the fire blow out through my blinks that released constant trails of water. I wouldn't be able to stop the flow if I tried. My trembling hands wiped at my cheeks as I brushed away the hot tears that were only replaced with more. I turned around, trying to find her again. She was packing. Why was she so determined to leave this quickly?
I couldn't watch her pack her whole life away. I hated seeing all her things flung into boxes. I couldn't watch it, so I wasn't going to.
"No." It was a protest that I only muttered, in my head, it was a lot louder. I moved forward and towards her. "Please, let's just talk about this, Alina." I tugged the jacket out of her hands and pushed the box away. "You don't need to do this, just-" I tried to hold onto her face but she had instantly shoved my arms away from her and shuffled backwards.
"Stop doing that." She rejected me once more, making me feel all the more neglected. It felt like she was genuinely disgusted by my touch. I only wanted to help. "We've already talked about this." She proclaimed, trying to shut down this conversation.
"No, we haven't." I shook my head. "I didn't know that I'd be coming out of the bathroom to half your stuff being packed in boxes." I told her, breath heavy with my nerves beginning to boil. "So, can we just talk?"
"Talk about what?" She snapped, her voice now raised as she whipped her head to look at me. "Okay, talk about what?" She repeated herself while stepping towards me. "About the fact that I don't know what the fuck I am? About how I've cheated on my boyfriend?" The distance was a lot shorter between us and I couldn't help but feel a little intimidated. "About the fact that I don't know what the fuck to do?" She was extremely distressed and I could see her trying to hold back the urge to shout. "What do you want to talk about?"
I stared at her, swallowing hard. I was keeping the eye contact but I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to anger her and I didn't want to make the situation worse. How had this all ended up like this? My blood ran cold as her eyes pierced right through me, they didn't feel like the same eyes I loved peering into. They made me insecure and I felt self conscious in her gaze. I hated it.
"Do you love him?" I wasn't going to back down. If she was going to speak her mind then so was I.
"What?" Her face twisted and she seemed to lean back almost.
"Do you love him?" I repeated my words, making sure to keep my eyes locked onto hers. I was going to give my all up until the point she would indefinitely walk out that door.
She glared at me, clicking her tongue on her bottom lip while chucking her head back and forth. My words had hit a part of her that she didn't like at all. "You've got a lot of fucking nerves, Ellie." After that, she opted to keeping distance between us and had walked away from me completely. I felt her presence pass my shoulder where her absence now made me turn around to face her.
"Do you?" I continued. Maybe it was pestering but I didn't care, it should have been an easy question for her anyway.
She turned back to me from the bed with a scowl across her face. "He's my boyfriend." She said in utmost disgust towards me. Just answer the fucking question.
"That's not my question." I shook my head, keeping my tone as calm as possible to not provoke her.
Her eyes were like daggers and they crushed my soul. I wasn't setting myself up for heartbreak, I was going to prove a point. She'd wrecked my heart enough, I didn't feel a lot of her faults anymore.
She raised her head at me, her tongue smacking against her mouth. "Of course I fucking do." It was a low tone, one where I inferred just how badly she wanted to punch me in the face.
"Does he love you?" I could've been arranging my own funeral but at this point I was at a loss of catering towards her own disdain towards me. But I needed an answer.
She scoffed again. "What are you getting at?"
"Just answer." I told her. Why was she stalling so much? I only wanted a straight answer but what she was giving me currently, was enough of an answer.
"Yes." She said it firmly, no ounce of hesitation. I knew she was seeing red and I wasn't helping to calm her down but she had to hear it. "He does."
I nodded, allowing myself a second to gather my next course of action. I felt the out of sync thumps of my heart and it evidently broke me. "I don't believe that."
Her pupils continued to puncture me, wrecking every tissue of my love for her, even more. It wasn't even Alina that I was looking at anymore. My Alina was gone.
"It isn't for you to believe." She nipped back at me, not allowing such an opinion to wear down her fantastic relationship.
"I don't think you believe it either." If she wouldn't tell herself that then hell, I would. She couldn't play dumb forever and live in this fantasy world that Tyler the douche bag, loved her.
Her face only twisted all the more, showing malice more than anything else. A jab at her seemingly perfect relationship was hurting her more than the idea of leaving me. Now it was clear, that I didn't matter to her at all.
She was about to to say something but I chose to stop her. "How could he possibly love you if he constantly accuses you of cheating on him?" She hadn't been quick to defend his aid and instead stayed still while I watched the colour begin to drain from her face. "If he loved you so much, why are you always on and off?" Every word made her face get whiter and whiter. "You don't even tell your friends when you've broken up." I could've taken it too far. I probably did. But I was tired of this. I was tired of her being so stupid. It had all fallen apart as is, what was the point in holding back now? "Is that love?"
The coldness in her eyes had turned into irremediable solemn. It was a mixture of shock too, like someone had just been killed right in front of her. It might've even been her because I could see the part of her that died. The paleness in her cheeks and slump in her spine gave away the heaviness my words had on her. They had hit. Alina was extremely strong minded but even this seemed to have been too much for her. She was weak now and to her it had felt like she'd lost all her dignity.
"How'd you know about that?" The whisper in her dialogue struck me hard in the chest. The forming bruise on my rib cage made the guilt begin to gnaw at me. Everything she had tried to conceal was thrown back in her face as a form of punishment. Did I take it too far?
"You told me." I spoke lowly, blinking away the compassion in my blood. I could either fix or fuel the fire. But I didn't want to do either. Not until Alina had really felt my words. "First night."
She allowed her eyes to drift away for a second, piecing together and going back two weeks prior. She was trying to remember the words exchanged that night but how could she? She was drunk. She could've accused me of lying but she knew herself that it was the truth. I watched as she looked back to me and I couldn't tell if she wanted me dead or not. Either way, the tears in her eyes said it all.
"Get out." Her look of defeat told me that I was right. She was still in denial. And I couldn't understand why she would put herself in so much pain. I wasn't judging her, I don't think anyone was. She was the only one judging. She was the only one embarrassed of putting up with such 'love'. It broke me.
"Alina-" she didn't allow me to talk, I had lost that privilege.
"I don't care where, I don't care how long, just get the fuck out, Ellie." She took up the position of authority and I could see the disgust in her eyes. The shimmer, gone. The expressive brown, I could gleam into for hours was gone. All that had replaced her eyes stripped from joy, was pure antipathy. And her repulsion of me sliced right through my stomach.
I didn't move. A finger, a hair or even a turn of my head, stayed exactly where it was. Wasn't she the one who wanted to leave first?
"Fucking go!" There was almost a cry in her voice as she had now come right up to me. Her feet had exerted her towards me so that I now had to lift my head up a little to stare at her face.
I sympathised for her. I didn't want to be the one to do it. I probably shouldn't have been the one at all but who else would? She was lying to herself. She was pretending to herself and everyone else around her. It was almost torturous to watch her do it to herself.
"Stop lying to yourself." I spoke calmly, it wasn't like I was trying to upset her. I just wanted her to get out of this mindset that she was in. He didn't care about her. He didn't love her at all. And I wasn't saying all of it so that she would pick me, I was saying it so that she'd stop herself from getting so subconsciously hurt. "He doesn't deserve you and you know it."
"You don't know what I deserve. You don't know anything about me." She was quick to bite back, her temper now crumbling. I had never seen her so upset and mentally destroyed. I wanted to hug her. I didn't want to make her feel so emotionally exhausted but I couldn't let her go on like this. She had broken me, everything I was saying was only being fuelled by the shards of my heart.
"I know enough." I gleamed into her eyes. She truly was a beautiful person. She just wasn't as strong as I took her to be. She was scared. And she lacked honesty in herself. Alina was a lot more lost than anyone would've realised.
She seemed to almost break apart completely and I watched her lip tremble. I believed she knew it now. And I believed that it was now where the truth of her relationship had really rushed over her body. But she wasn't the type to admit defeat. She wasn't the type of person to admit where she had went wrong. And I didn't hold that against her, it was admirable, to an extent.
"No." She had resulted back into denial and was quick to shaking her head and stepping away from me, now going into a slight pace from going back to the bed and then turning to me. "You have no fucking right, Ellie. You have no fucking right to talk about my relationship and use my own words against me. I was fucking drunk. And you let me open up when I didn't even know you." She had now lost her cool completely. I really had hit a nerve. At least I got my point across because now I got the answer that I was looking for, she cared about him. She wouldn't be this upset if she didn't. She cared about him and she didn't care about me. "Do you think you're the innocent one?" She scoffed at me, now making me feel like the idiot. Maybe I was.
I didn't say anything. I was still grovelling in the fact that she really was in love with him. She didn't just love him, she was in love with him. She knew that I was right in what I was saying but she didn't want to listen or accept it because she loved him. Him. She loved him. I had broken my own heart by this revelation. And I couldn't talk. I felt sick again. My organs were just sinking inside of my body and I felt completely weighed down. I could only look at her in utter defeat and question how we had even ended up like this. I wanted us to be fixed again but I don't even think glue would make it all go back to how it was originally. It would never feel the same again.
"Nothing to say?" She derided from across from me, taking full offence of my silence. Tears had bubbled up in my eyes, tears which she now noticed at full force. "Why are you the one crying? You've belittled me and my relationship, a relationship you have no fucking business with. I should be the one upset, Ellie." Her tone increased, almost on the brink of yelling while her fingers knocked against her chest multiple times, only insinuating more and more that my own dismay was a mockery. She was probably right but she really wasn't getting it. She really didn't understand why I was this destroyed.
"I'm not upset over your relationship, Alina." I shook my head, a little bewildered at the fact that she really didn't understand why I felt the way that I did. She didn't know me at all. "How could you even think that that's what's wrong?"
"Then what are you crying over?" She sounded like she didn't actually care at all. She didn't. I knew she didn't. But it hurt me so bad. I knew she was upset with me but she couldn't even take all the horrible things that she's done to me into consideration. It stung.
"Are you serious right now?" I was taken aback by her coldness. I guess it was now where it really felt like she was gone. She didn't reply, only pulling a confused face. "Alina, you kissed me." I said it like she had forgotten it. "You kissed me. I told you I liked you. You're the only person I've fucking come out to." My voice had raised now too and my breaths had gone back to an out of sync rhythm. I left her eyes again, shattering more and more as I was almost desperate for her to see my point of view. "We had sex, you took my virginity." She really was my everything but I was nothing to her. I would've thought that all these things made me mean at least something to her. I really couldn't believe that she'd kiss me if I meant nothing. "I'm upset because I feel tricked by you. I was so vulnerable when admitting all that stuff to you and you kissed me, Alina. You came onto me first. Was I not supposed to get upset when you stand here and tell me that you're leaving and going back to him?" I really did feel used. I didn't expect her to come out to everyone and understand her sexuality straight away. I didn't expect her to know what to do. But she wasn't being logical in her decisions. She was going to fake her feelings and pretend to be something she wasn't. She was going to forget about me. And she was going to forget about us.
Her eyes dulled after that, the mesmerising brown now moulding into a much more lifeless one. I knew she didn't want to do this. Just be honest, please. I saw it in her. She was just afraid. I couldn't let her do this when I knew deep down that she really didn't want to go. I was fighting for her. And I was going to fight for her until she'd come to her senses.
"Ellie." She shook her head, swallowing her tears as she struggled for air. I know you don't want to do this. Please, just be honest with yourself. "Please stop making this harder for me."
"Harder for you?" The question couldn't have been real. Hard? "Picking him was the easiest thing you've ever done. You didn't even consider me." I just wanted to have at least been considered. She just seemed to pick him so quickly, even though I gave her so much more.
"He's my boyfriend." It was almost like a gasp as she spoke. It was like her only defence, it was her only defence. It was breaking my heart. "Okay, I don't want to have to choose between you or him but I have to." She breathed out, her insecurity showing more and more. "This doesn't mean I don't care about you. I care about you. And especially after what we did, I care about you so much more. But we can't be together." She sounded so torn. I could hear it and see it in her. She had fallen apart like me. "I don't want to feel like this, Ellie." Now she had broken into sobs and all I wanted to do was hug her. I'd forget about everything that had happened between us just to give her a hug right now. She was just scared and I couldn't hold that against her. She wiped at her cheeks and fought away her tears. "I'm so fucking scared." She shook her head, defeated. "I don't want to lose him, I can't do it to him. So I won't."
I had to process her words. But only a few of her sentences stuck out to me. I had to look away, biting my lip and sniffing in the process. I couldn't look at her without crumbling that much more. It was time for me to give up. It was time to stop fighting for her because it was clear that she was going to chose him. I couldn't do anything to change her mind. She had her mind made up and there was nothing else I could do. But I had to try one last time. I was going to try one last time and then I'd give up. She's my first ever love and you always fight for the people you love.
"But what about me?" I said in a whisper while turning back to her. "Are you fine with losing me?" I was putting her on the spot but it was my last attempt at getting through to her. I had to do it if I wanted to keep her in this room.
"I can't do this." She crumbled out, pulling herself around once again so that she couldn't see me. I could see the shame she felt and she didn't want me to see that, yet her whole body reeked of it. If she had shame then she had doubt and she had doubt over her decision and that said enough for me to keep going. Even if she was going to fight for him, I was still going to fight for her.
"What about us? Are you okay with losing that?" I continued with tearing down her choice. I had tried everything, being harsh was all I had left. Even though I felt anything but tough.
"Ellie-" she ripped her head back to me, almost trying to get me to stop. I wasn't done.
"Are you?" Now I was just below the point of yelling. Maybe now she would actually listen to my words. "You can't just lie for the rest of your life, Alina. Being with him won't change the way you feel." I was begging again. I couldn't imagine her with him without wanting to throw up. Please don't go back to him. "He doesn't deserve you and you fucking know it." I was done now. I was done being calm. "God, would you stop being so fucking stupid?! I love you! I love you so fucking much, Alina!" Tears were now streaming down my cheeks too. "I know you're scared and I know you don't know what you are but I'll give you time to figure everything out, I promise. Just please don't go back to him. I'm begging you." I was sobbing now, a breakdown it was. I couldn't lose her. I couldn't fucking lose her. I had absentmindedly rushed towards her midst breakdown, reaching out to her and cupping her face. I'd given my all now but it still wasn't even nearly enough, at all. "Please, just think about what you're losing here. Alina, please." I was balling. I was supposed to give up fighting but here I was, still clinging on to someone who was so utterly done with me. But I didn't believe that. "It's us, Alina. Me and you. Okay, what about us? Are you really okay with letting us go like that?"
"Ellie, stop!" She had shoved me away from her, so hard I actually stumbled into her bedside table. I shamefully looked at her eyes that were filled with so much anguish. She was seething. And it was all towards me. As I looked at her, I understood all of this and it was now when I truly did give up. That was my last shot and I was done. "Just, stop! Give up already! How many times do I have to fucking tell you?! We are never going to happen." I had humiliated myself and I regretted all of it because she still hadn't changed her mind and she was never going to. "You need to get this through your fucking head." She stepped towards me, her eyes now puncturing me and I was now afraid. I gripped onto the bedside table behind me and stared at her through a frenzy of my own emotions. "There is no us. There never was. And there never fucking will be." I couldn't even cry, I could only look at her and feel the burn of her words. "Get out of this fantasy that me and you can happen. I have a fucking boyfriend and actual friends here." She tore me apart and used every insecurity that I had to get back at me. "And I'm not losing any of that."
I kept all my tears back since there wasn't a point in wasting any more of them. And even though every part of me had crumbled, I didn't want her to see any more of my weakness. She'd shown her true colours and she wasn't worth fighting for anymore.
"Pretend all you want." I breathed through my tears while trying to swallowing the bundle of tears that were dying to spill. "But you'll have to accept the truth someday." I couldn't let her see me weak. Even though I was anything but strong, I couldn't show her my weakness anymore.
She kept her eyes on mine, her lips now tightening. All that love she used to emit so naturally, had vanished completely. My Alina was gone. "I would rather pretend, than be like you." Be like me. Like being gay was such a crime. My face twisted and I couldn't hide the pain her words gave me. "And I'd rather lose you, than lose everyone else in my life."
My lips were quivering, my body was numb. I loved her so much but in this very moment I hated her. I hated her with every bone in my body and every hair on my skin. She didn't deserve my love but she deserved my hate. And she deserved to feel every bit of it. I was done now. I told myself and she had told me, I wasn't going to fight anymore. I was done. My body was physically burned out and there was nothing more I could do. There was nothing that I even wanted to do. I was done.
I took in a deep breath while still keeping back my tears. I pushed down all my urges to cry and yell and concealed the bruises I was covered with. I only swallowed and kept my eyes on hers. "I don't understand how a person could be so cruel." I didn't yell, I was done with that. I didn't cry, I was done with that. I only spoke to her, any other way would be unnecessary. But I had said all that I needed to. And I was done now.
I left her standing there with the ideology of not knowing where the fuck I was going. But I left. I fucked off. I did the thing she wanted me to do from the very start, I left.
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a/n :
i'm sorry.