Tw: mentions of self harm, weight, sexual assault
"About two weeks ago I gave you a few poems to complete. I'm going to have each of you read one of them, whichever one you prefer." Mr. Jacobs exclaims.
I think back to the assignments and realize I only completed one so it shouldn't be hard to choose from.
Everyone searches through their bags on which one they will display for the class, while I pull out my notebook and open to the page titled "NUMBERS TO KEEP HIDDEN"
I skim through the words, my heart racing with the heavy topics that I let come out of me onto a piece of paper.
A few kids read their poems, also having some darker topics which slows my heart rate slightly.
When it comes to my turn, I almost decide on bolting out of the door but instead clear my throat to read.
"Today i am wearing a shirt thats all but none
Holding in my breast which are a ton
keeping me safe from the scavenger men
Even though they may rate me a 10
Pants that cover a part of me to hide
Something that should just be called mine
A stupid name thats used for something with 9 lives
Everyone is wondering if or how much i 8
because i have gained or lost weight
Whether or not I've been to the gym
Is it because I lost him?
I wake up at 8 am and go to school to find out I'm all of a 7, no longer 10
Because those scavenger men
Are no longer satisfied that my shirts don't have hem
I remember being 6 when he would come into my room
I never knew what extent he would go to
And around 5 am, I would take a knife and slice my wrist, hoping I would find someone to kiss the scars that I missed
I was thinking how much it would take 4 someone to no longer mistake the scars on my arm for cat scratches
I pick up a book and and up reading 3
I think about the things I could never be
We are now 2
With what we've been through
I stay up late
Thinking about how you changed my fate
And to number 1
My little son, I never thought you would be gone
But when I went to see you shine, I realized you were no longer mine"
I read the words with a shaky voice. Letting everyone get to know me more than I have ever before.
Everyone stares at me, a few mouths dropped, some girls with tears in their eyes to show they understood.
The reaction that surprises me the most is Mason crying.
After everyone realizes I'm done, they all clap. I let a few of my own tears run down my face as I take in the reactions of others. They all seemed to like it or at least relate to it which makes me feel somewhat ok with sharing it.
"Thank you Iris, for that wonderful poem. Why don't we end there and finish off tomorrow?" Mr. Jacobs says from his desk. I notice his eyes are now slightly widened with my words, most likely deciding what to do with the information.
Everyone talks about random aspects of their life while I sit in my seat. "Iris." Mason says, his voice breaking.
I turn to face him to let him know to continue talking. "You had a son?" He questions. "Almost. I miscarried at 19 weeks." I explain. He brings his hand to his mouth, a shake to his bottom lip.
"How old were you? If you don't mind me asking."
"It was 2 years ago so 15." I tell him.
"I am so sorry. You don't deserve that or anything you said in the poem." He says as a few tears hit his desk from the dark topics.
"I am to." Is all I can respond with. I know it sounds bad to say, but I am sorry for myself. No one should have to be worried to sleep every night in fear of someone coming in. Even if they known no one will anymore, someone broke their trust with sleep.
No one should have to walk into a bathroom with cramps and blood running down their legs at 19 weeks pregnant only to find out the baby they were happy to be blessed with, was no longer with them.
The baby that showed a brightness in the darkness.
"Can I hug you?" I ask him in hopes of a positive response. He nods so I stand up and walk the few steps to his desk. He also stands up and wraps his arms around my waist, my own around his neck.
He whispers his sorries into my hair and we stand like this until the bell rings. Everyone else is to focused on their own lives to pay attention to us hugging in the middle of the classroom.
"I think I want to try this again." He states, confusing me. "Try what again?" I ask. "Us. I think I made a mistake breaking up with you. I've been trying to avoid it but I really miss you." He answers my confusion.
I smile at his words. "Yeah I think I want to try us again to. No misinterpretations this time." I try to joke even though that topic shouldn't be funny.
He smiles at my attempt to lighten the mood. "I work at a bookstore now." I decide to tell him. "Oh yeah? What's it called?" He says with a soft tone.
"Hooked. My boss loves me to. I'm employee of the month. Given I'm the only employee." I happily tell him. Excited to be able to talk to him about things like this again.
He pretends to be interested in everything I'm telling him, which I appreciate.
We eventually separate and go to our own classes, ending off our days.
I go straight to work after school, hoping Noelle isn't busy so I can tell her about Mason.
To my luck, when I walk into the store I see her sitting at her usual spot with a book in her hand. "Noelle!" I shout in excitement.
"Iris?" She shouts back. "I'm back together with Mason." I explain my shouting. Her features drop with this information. "Iris. Please don't ruin yourself for this boy. You are worth so much more." She scolds me.
"I'm not ruining myself for him. He makes me happy." I tell her. She shakes her head and instead of responding, goes straight back to reading. I didn't expect her to be jumping around with the news but I also didn't expect her to be this upset.
I stomp away from her, going to the back to read until a costumer comes in. I pick up the book I bought the first time I was here and decide on finally reading it.
I bought it with intentions of finishing it then but never got around to it. I read the first few pages to try and catch my interest but I'm interrupted with the chime of the front door. I place a book mark in between the pages and jump up to go help the costumer.
I walk through the doors to see Noelle staring at a boy with brunette hair I know all too well.
Well I guess shes met her favorite person now.
"Mason?" I say, causing him to turn around. He smiles at me which makes Noelle groan.
The fact he came here fills my stomach with the butterflies I used to get all of the time from him.
"What are you doing here?" I ask.
"I came to buy a book." He shrugs. Noelle mocks him, repeating his words with an annoyed look on her face.
He ask me to help him pick out a good one, both of us now walking over to the adult fiction section.
I name a few books but he has either read everyone I mention or says no.
"What about this one?" I hold up "The Words I Wish I Said." by Caitlin Kelly. He contemplates it for a moment and ends up taking it out of my hands, flipping through a few pages.
"Yeah this works." He says which has us both walking to the register.
"See you later?" He asks after I ring him up. "Of course."