Elijah.
I'VE ONLY ever fully regretted about 5 things in my life; one was not finishing my lion painting at the age of five, I really loved that painting. two was forgetting my dog's birthday at the age of six. Three was not telling Ruth that I was leaving, and even going as far as telling her that I didn't want to be her bestfriend anymore. it was a big fat fucking lie. four was not doing anything about those horrible fucking 11 years of my life. and five being the most recent one--starting drugs.
I regretted thinking that somehow they would help me forget about all the shit in my life, and I guess hoping that they would somehow 'cure' me. It had gotten to the point where I think I had started to believe that maybe I wasn't meant to ever get fucking better, maybe I was always meant to be in pain--mentally or physically.
My heart speeds up as I close my eyes and pop the pill into my mouth, it disintegrating on my tongue. My face automatically relaxes as I tilt my head back onto the wall behind me. The tense in my shoulders drops down and the strained line in-between my eyebrows disappear.
Depending on something so damaging to myself seemed like a thing I could just--do nowadays. There was no hesitation. It only took one simple 'Elijah do you want a go on this?' or 'Elijah do you want to try this?' to be doing it before they even finished the sentence, if that make sense.
I hope that makes sense anyways.
A lot of things don't make sense in my head anymore, maybe I was just imagining it or maybe I was even fucking dreaming, but it felt like I was silently going insane. All these bad thoughts will rush to my head before I can even process them, and then not even giving me a break before another wave of them overflows my mind. So when I did something like--pop a pill or snort a line, it stopped. It all just fucking stopped.
Maybe that's why I relied on drugs so much--they stopped me from completely losing myself.
I was on my way to the library, well more like stumbling to the library.
It was all partically bad today. So I maybe might of had an extra pill then I normally would and unlike how I usually feel--I felt angry, like there was just a sudden build up of anger waiting to be released.
I made it to the building and walked in, the door slamming shut loudly behind me making the only two people in the room look up.
My eyes immediately catch her big, sad, green eyes. Even though I know she tries to hide it, I see her eyes light up at the sight of me, and for some fucking reason my heart does a flip in my chest at the scene. She lightly smiles in greeting at me, and it makes me really want to smile back but do you wanna know what I fucking do? I don't smile back. A permanent frown stays etched onto my face, and it is aimed directly at her and I hate myself for it. And when she sees that I don't smile back, her face drops and it makes me hate myself even more.
I didn't know whether I wanted to run up to her and hug her or just walk out and stop myself from doing anything worse.
So suddenly, I do what I think is the smartest thing and turn right back around and walk back outside. I was not letting myself dampen her mood anymore than I probably already have, I didn't want myself to lash out at her and completely ruin what we have seemed to somewhat build, if we even have built anything. I don't fucking know.
I rush down the pavement, craving just to get home and lock myself in my house until the anger dissipates, but it seemed like fate wasn't on my side today.
"Elijah!" A voice shouts from behind, their loud footsteps getting louder as they reach me.
My body goes rigid, and I stop it my spot.
this wasn't suppose to happen. she wasn't suppose to run after me.
I try to carry on walking, hoping that if she thought that I was ignoring her that she will just go back to the library.
"Elijah." Ruth repeats, but this time she places her hand on my shoulder to stop me going anywhere. "Turn around."
I stay still and close my eyes, sighing out silently, letting my shoulders drop down in defeat before turning to face her.
And for some reason, it felt like I was seeing her for the first time again as my breath gets caught in my throat at the sight of her beauty.
Her pretty, green eyes, soft skin, pink full lips with a little mole placed just above her top lip and dark brown hair.
she was beautiful.
An expression of concern is etched on her face, "What's wrong? You seem stressed." Her eyes flicker across my face, looking for any sort of emotion but I knew she was struggling to find one.
With a bitter voice, I speak, "I'm fine."
Her face drops again slightly but she shrugs it off and continues, "Are you sure? Do you want me to do any-"
"Leave it Ruth." I cut her off, making it clear that I didn't want to interact with anyone right now.
Her movements pause and I watch as her face suddenly hardens.
oh no.
"No. Absolutely not. You don't get to do this. Act all nice but then act all cold the second I actually make it clear that I give a damn about you." She fires at me, a angry but slightly confused expression appearing in her face. Confused on why I was suddenly acting like this.
Her words throws me off guard, and I could feel my expression break slightly but I quickly clear my throat and shrug the shock off, "I don't know what you mean." I reply coldly.
"You know exactly what I mean Elijah Henley Carter. Don't you even dare think about getting an attitude with me today because I am simply not in the mood." Her words become more heated as she speaks and I could feel myself slowly regretting even coming to the library in the first place because it would of stopped any of this from happening.
I take a deep breath, "Ruth I am not in the mood to talk to you right now." I say as calmly as I can, but my body language says otherwise and I knew she could tell by the way her gaze flickers down to my clenched fists.
Her face scrunches up in anger, "The last few weeks have said other wise as you've basically followed me around like a little dog begging for my forgiveness. And every time I have made it clear that I did not want to talk to you but you didn't listen."
And this time I couldn't ignore the way her words panged at my heart.
she didn't want to talk to me that whole time? not even once?
obviously we had completely different views on our conversations.
I scoff, "Alright then. If it seems like I'm that much of a fucking nuisance to you then I'll leave you alone, not speak to you ever again." I spit bitterly, covering up any of the signs of hope on my face that she will say no and that she wants me to keep coming to the library and speaking to her, or coming to our spot. "Will that make you happy?"
A hint of hesitation flashes across her face before it's gone in an instant, "In fact, that would make me really happy." She nods.
"Okay then." I nod back emotionlessly. I turn back around, deciding to avoid eye contact with her as I didn't want to have to see how much she probably hated me right now.
There's a beat of silence before-
"Elijah!" She calls to my retreating back, and I silently groan and turn back.
Ruth doesn't say anything but I don't ignore the way she does a double take on my bloodshot eyes and the way her mouth opens as if she really wants to say something, but it never comes.
"Nothing." And then turns around, leaving me to watch her retreating back.
And as I kept my gaze focused on her, glancing at the way she furiously enters the library.
i knew i'd messed up. again.
....
A/N:
here's the new chapter!!
i'm sorry but they had to argue again, this is a slow burn. it won't be an easy ride guys.
and i'm also so so sorry for the fact i haven't updated in what seems like FOREVER.
i've been so busy with a lot in my life right now, so bare with :)
love you all and thank you so much for all the reads and votes.
-b.