29.
••••
Four Months Ago
"You're so silly! Haven't changed a bit." I said before bringing the mug of hot cocoa to my lips, blowing at the hot steam it produced.
He laughed, showing off the pearly white, straight teeth he so happened to be blessed with.
"And neither have you. Still the height of a leprechaun, shy but sassy at the same damn time and dimples so deep I could-"
"Aubrey. Don't start." I interrupted before he uttered something that would get his ass cussed out.
Niggas always gotta make shit awkward.
"I was going to say I could swim in them. You know, because the ocean is deep?"
"Th-The ocean?" He nodded. "Oh my gawwwd! You're so corny. That has to be the most horrible reference I've ever heard, Aubs!" I couldn't hold in the cackle that erupted from my mouth. He's always been corny.
I haven't seen Aubrey in damn near two years. He randomly sent me an instagram dm, making me aware he would be coming in town and that we should catch up.
At first, I had a whole excuse typed up as to why I couldn't make it but then I thought, it's just old friends catching up. I don't see why not.
It's crazy he picked the exact coffee shop where we met. I was actually a barista here. I loved my job and began to make regulars who would not only come in for coffee but to visit me for some conversation and laughs. It was usually a more mature crowd and I've been told I have an old soul which is why I've always felt comfortable around them and vice versa.
The wisdom they spewed out to me daily, I still kept a record of in my mind to this day.
Aubrey on the other hand was one of the fewer youngsters that came in a couple times out the week to get a danish and coffee. In the beginning, he use to try too hard to grasp my attention which led me to keeping my responses short with him.
I guess one day, his charmed worked and we ended up becoming really great friends. He eventually introduced me to some friends as of his as well.
The funny part is, him and Robyn even dated for a good while. Truth be told he wasn't ready for a woman like her, in my opinion.
"Okay calm down. It was not that funny." He spoke, rolling his eyes.
"No but for real, I remember when you were about 19, selling your food plates on Instagram. To perceive where you are today, it's amazing to watch. I also heard about your cook book becoming a best seller on Kindle. Congratulations, Nicki. I so happened to buy a few copies for the fam and I. I have to say, so far, the Jambalaya recipe is top two and not two."
Nicki. Haven't heard that name in a while.
"Thank you, Aubrey. I appreciate the support more than you know. I can't take all the credit though, considering you were the one to put me on to my first big client. I remember being so nervous but grateful for the opportunity, you know? You've always believed in me and my craft." I reminisced with a small smile.
He unexpectedly lifted my hand off the table, bringing it towards his face as he placed a lingering kiss on the back of it.
"As I've told you before, there's no need to thank me. Your talent speaks for itself and I would do it all over again if I had to. Anything to see you happy."
I pulled my hand back out of his grasp, shifting in my seat as I began feeling slightly uncomfortable.
Aubrey always been the type to go the extra mile for me but he knows I would never, and I mean never, be more than friends with him. I've made that clear to him years ago.
He's always felt the need to touch me whether it's hugging me a few seconds longer, brushing his hand against my lower back, the intense staring, the hand kisses, it can all be too overbearing.
I've brought this up before and he acted as if he was so offended. He said he's naturally generous. Whatever the fuck that means.
We continued chatting it up about his businesses and relocation for about twenty minutes until my phone started to vibrate.
Incoming Call: My girlfriend💍.
"I uh, I have to go Aubrey. I have some deadlines I need to meet by the end of today but I'll be sure to keep in touch. It was nice seeing you again." I said, abruptly standing from my seat.
"Need me to walk you to your car?"
••••
Onika POV
Present Day
10:05 a.m.
It's been exactly sixteen days and seventeen hours since I've stopped harming myself.
It may not seem like a long time or a big enough time gap to praise myself for but I'm going to toot my own horn anyway.
I couldn't go a day without needing to feel the sharpness of the cold metal poking at my skin and proceeding with a perfect slice, from one end to the other, on the palest tone of my body.
I believed that the more blood I caused to pour out of me, the better. And even watching the red liquid seep out, dripping like thick water, I still didn't feel a thing. Sometimes I wasn't satisfied enough and would continue to do damage until I was gratified with the destruction I've made.
Now I actually get chills just thinking about doing such torment myself. I look back and can't even come up with a concept of how I even got started doing so. That's a chapter in my life that will stay closed. A huge lessened learned for me, if anything.
Ever since Beyoncé caught me in the act, I haven't looked at a blade again. I actually cringe at times when my gaze comes across any sharp object. Knives included and with me being chef, it doesn't help at all but I'm working on over coming this new found uncomfortableness.
I didn't realize the impact something of the sort could have on my daughter. Locking her out of my room and blocking out the world just for a few minutes to hours, wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth my daughters tears and her feeling abandoned.
Maybe I am a bad mother.
I should be setting an example, not being the reason for her emotional pain. I didn't mean to cause her any sadness and I hope she understands that one day.
I never meant to object despair or any form of anguish to her. I was selfish and unconcerned about how this could affect anyone around me. I built up a habit that I put before anything else and I can't even stomach or process how that made my baby feel. Especially knowing it wasn't the first time.
I'm so grateful for Beyoncé. She didn't have to become Lotus' second parent but she insisted.
After our split, she could have downright left Lotus but she didn't. She actually refused to do so and has been here for Lotus everyday. Whether it's on the phone or in person, Beyoncé makes sure she stays assessable and I could never repay her for that.
It was absolutely selfless of her.
We've been working on building an acquaintance with one another. I would love to at least have a friendship with Beyoncé. I doubt we would ever get back together but it is a known fact that we were friends first.
That's the thing, when people who were once friends, mutually become more and the relationship doesn't last, you lose not only your lover, but your friend.
I took it all for granted. I took her for granted, and I hated myself for doing so.
Beyoncé now checks on me often to see how I'm doing and holding up. Since that night, she's apologized for her delivery and how she approached the situation. I told her she didn't have to apologize and she had every right to react the way she did. I guess she still felt bad though. Deep down, below the surface, Beyoncé is an actual empath.
I'm currently getting ready because my little Lo has her first big girl photoshoot today. Beyoncé is styling her, as expected. She's actually the creative director for the entire shoot.
Lotus has been signed to a kids modeling agency here locally, in Houston, for about four months now. It's been going great thus far.
She's been getting the opportunity to promote childrens clothes. She's even strutted along a few runways for local department stores like, Macys, Saks and Nordstrom. It's been amazing to observe my baby experiencing what she enjoys doing the most. Other than TikTok, indubitably.
To express that Lotus is 100% comfortable in front of the camera is an understatement. She's fearless and has a overload of confidence for her age. I can't wait to see her pursue acting in the near future being that she has so much personality and with the correct training? Oh she's going to eat down.
After moisturizing my body, I slipped on a pink body con dress that emphasized my curves. I haven't felt the prettiest in while so I figured why not try and appear my best today.
"I gave it all for a fantasy.. Is anybody gon' remember me? If I go tonight I doubt the world will change, I just pray they don't forget my name."
I sang along, as Brent blasted through my speakers.
My hair was still in pin curls which I plan to take out in the car so my curls won't fall before then. I collected what jewelry I will be wearing today.
The way the promise ring Bey bought me matches my exact dress. Ugh, I hate it here.
After getting fully attired, I called Lotus to my room so I could start on her hair.
"Lotus go get your hair box so mommy can fix up your hair."
"Okay, mommy. And need I remind you, I'm tender headed so comb from the ends first."
I've been combing her hair since she grew it. Who she think she is to give me any tips?
I picked my phone up off my ottoman after hearing it vibrate.
Text Message Alert
Lotus Mama: Hey! Could you give me a call right quick?
My heart rate gets to going up whenever I see her contact pop up on my phone. However, The butterflies in my stomach never left to begin with.
Onika it is not that deep. Just call the woman.
Dialing Lotus Mama.
"Hey, Onika. Just wanted to remind you to be at the venue at 12:30 p.m. sharp. Hell, y'all could even be early if possible."
"Beyoncé, you could've text me this information like you did yesterday and the day before that. We'll be there."
I actually didn't mind hearing her sexy ass voice but did she need to know that? Absolutely not.
"Well damn, miss mean ass. I still felt the need to remind you. Your time management fluctuates and you know this."
I want her to sit on my face so bad.
"You right."
"I'm right, what?"
"You right. The fuck."
"What's my name?"
"Beyoncé."
"Wrong answer."
"Wrong bitch."
She began laughing. Home girl must've thought I was Sanaa or sum.
"Where's my daughter at?"
"Lotus!!! Your mama's on the phone! What's taking you so long anyways?!"
"Coming! I had to find the wide tooth comb!" She yelled in response.
She came back with her hair box and comb in hand. I gestured for her sit at my vanity so I could get started.
I handed her my phone and she just had to switch it to FaceTime which Beyoncé hurried and answered.
"Hi mama! You look absolutely gorgeous darling." Lotus complimented in a British accent.
"Why thank you Lo. You look pretty, as always."
"Awww thank you. You're so sweet! Isn't she sweet mommy?"
Now why am in it?
I brought my face down into the camera. "Mhm, very sweet." I winked at Bey.
I watched as her cheeks flushed a pinkish hue before she took her face completely out of the camera. I internally chuckled.
"Ouuu! Not you blushing mama! Let me find out."
"Girl hush!" I spoke, as I began parting her hair into sections preparing it for a good detangle.
Lotus has long thick hair exactly like mine. You gotta be a strong ass person to have to deal with hair like this.
See, I'm smart. I let my beautician deal with my tresses, leaving me with one less head to do.
Beyoncé eventually brought her head back into the camera. This is honestly the most cordial we've been in awhile and I'm happy about it. We still have a long way to go but at least it's a start.
"I like your necklace mama. I've never seen that before."
"Oh this?" She asked putting it closer the camera.
"Mhm."
"Thank you. My friend got it for me the other day."
mY fRiEnD, my ass.
"What friend? Only friend you have is Auntie Kelly and I didn't hear the word best in that statement."
Let her know, Lo.
"Mama can't have new friends?"
"Are they a girl and are they pretty?" Lotus inquired.
"Actually, yes."
"Then no."
Beyoncé's smile dropped so fast. She thought.
Lotus chatted with Bey for a minute, up until I was done with her hair and they ended the call. I can tell Bey is the parent Lotus feels she talk about anything with and I love it.
I use to allow guilt to consume me, thinking that Lotus only had me and occasionally Robyn but Bey stepped up to the plate and is doing an effortless job.
"I love my hair mommy!"
I kissed her forehead. "I'm glad you do. I hope I wasn't too rough for you."
"You weren't at all." She smiled.
We glanced at each other in the mirror before us.
"You know I love you right? More than anyone and anything?"
Lotus nodded. "I do. I love you more mommy and before you say never, I know we love each other equally. I just like to let you know that someone loves you a ton and that someone is me!"
"What did I do to deserve such an remarkable, smart, kind and beautiful daughter like you?"
She turned in the chair to face me. "I don't know but I'm glad we have each other and I hope that you and mama can have one another too so that we can be a family, together again."
I sighed bending down to make us eye level, taking her hands into mine.
"Lotus, your mama and I are not together anymore and you know that. The most we may be is friends but as long as we're both here for you, that's all that matters."
"B-But I don't want that! I want you to be together! I want you to hold hands and kiss and stuff. I don't like having to go to separate houses. Please try one more time. P-Please!" Her lip started to quiver.
I quickly picked her up to console her, rubbing her back in circles. She's been more emotional than usual lately.
This is my first time hearing her true feelings about me and Bey's breakup. I honestly didn't think she wasn't okay with it. Now I feel even more horrible knowing it was all my fault.
"I-I can't promise you that we'll be together and I'm sorry baby. Know that we both still love you, regardless of anything."
I felt her shake her head no in my neck followed by her whimpers.
If I could take everything back I would. I fucked up big time.
••••
Beyoncé POV
12:17 p.m.
"Yes. There's going to be about five outfit changes and three different settings. I want one of them be outside since I happen to really love the landscaping. The other looks can be shot here inside in front of the back drop." I explained to my good friend and well-known fashion photographer, Jovon Pete.
We met each other after having a few mutual friends in the industry and we crossed maths often. And with her fun, bubbly personality, I thought she'd be the perfect fit for capturing Lotus' first photoshoot.
"Okay cool. I can't wait to meet the infamous Lotus. I'm actually a follower of hers on Tiktok and had no clue she was your daughter but then again Houston is small, small."
"Yeah, you right about that. I think you'll have a ball with her today. She has so much personality as I'm sure you've seen from her videos. Her and her mother should be here shortly, actually." I informed.
"Mother?"
I nodded causing her to make an O shape with her mouth.
"I wasn't aware you were into bumpin' thunder cats." She smirked.
"Yeah.. I guess you could say that." I shrugged.
"You always gave Ellen vibes though, lowkey."
I scrunched my face up, making her laugh, showing every tooth in her mouth.
"Y'all still together?" She inquired inserting her memory card into the canon camera.
"Nah. We just co-parenting ri—"
"Damn!" Jovon uttered, looking past me. I turned to meet her gaze which was landed upon Onika who strutted hand and hand with Lotus, into the venue.
Damn is right. She looked good.. Amazing actually.
"Mama!!!" Lotus shouted, running in my direction causing my gaze to be ripped from her mothers.
"Hi princess! You ready for you first photoshoot?" I asked picking her up as we hugged.
She nodded. "Yes! I've been practicing in the mirror and I even got some pointers from my
g-mommy."
I internally rolled my eyes.
"That's good sweetie. I'm excited right along with you. You'll do great." I assured.
I glanced over to see Onika smiling at us, making me smile too. It's been a while since I've seen her genuinely happy. Everything about her aura seems at peace.
I put Lotus down on her feet, to properly greet Onika.
"H-Hey Nic!"
Bitch why would you stutter.
"Hi Beyoncé." She spoke, with a wave.
Jovan cleared her throat causing the attention to be placed onto her.
"Hi, I'm Jovon, the photographer of the shoot." Jo said reaching her hand out to Onika, which she immediately took
Something about their hands touching pissed me off.
"Nice to meet you. Beyoncé has spoke very highly of you, so thank for taking time out of your schedule to do this. This is the star of the day, our daughter, Lotus."
"It's an honor." Jovon spoke reaching her hand out for Lotus.
"Period." Lotus responded causing us all to laugh.
••••
2:45 p.m.
"Chin up just a little bit. There you go!"
We were now on the third look of the photoshoot and Lotus has been doing an impeccable job so far. Her and Jovon have great chemistry on set too. I knew what I was doing paring them together.
"Beautiful!" Jovon complete as she snapped shots of Lotus.
I glanced over to Onika who's smile have yet to leave her face. I could see how proud she was of Lotus and I can definitely relate to the feeling.
I traveled my way towards Onika's direction just to do a brief check in.
"Hey."
"Hey." She replied looking up at me with the same lingering grin.
"You doing okay?"
She nodded. "Yeah. This is the most joy I've felt in awhile. I don't have to put on a facade or pretend anymore. This time my happiness is real and I honestly never thought I'd see the day where I would feel this way again."
I gave her a saddened smile, nodding. "I'm glad to hear that. You definitely look great too."
"Th-Thank you. I tried my best to look presentable today." She said looking over her attire.
The promise ring I bought her would've went perfect with her dress, I thought to myself.
"Well you definitely succeeded. I feel like a proud parent of two." I joked.
She chuckled, playfully hitting my arm. "Oh hush!"
Moments later we watched as Lotus effortlessly wrapped up her shoot. You'd think she's been doing this for awhile.
"You sure this was your first photoshoot Lotus? Because you killed it lil mama." Jovon stated as we were cleaning and gathering all of the items we came with.
"Yep! I've always been photogenic though, thanks to mommy and her iPhone."
I observed as Jovon looked over to Onika, smirking.
She's been keeping her gaze on Onika a little too much for me today. I understand she happens to be easy on the eyes but to keep it a buck, I'm not feeling that.
Onika took Lotus to the restroom before it was time to go. I waited by the door for them.
"It was nice seeing you today Bey. Your daughter really did her thing. I can't wait to see how the photos turned out." Jovon said approaching me.
"Yeah. She absolutely did." I responded, giving her tight lipped smile.
"Before I go, I just had too inquire. You said Onika is single right?"
Oh fuck no.
"I uh—I'm not sure."
"Okay well.. you think you could possibly put in a good word for me? I really find her a attractive and wouldn't mind getting to know her. I mean, only if that's alright with you."
I felt a wave of heat wash over my body in reaction as to what Jovon just stated.
Do I fuckin look like Christian Mingle?
"I don't see why I wouldn't be okay with it."
Just as she was about to respond, Onika was approaching us. Lotus went to sit down as she scrolled aimlessly on Tiktok, I assumed.
"Jovon, I wanted to thank you again for all of your hard work and coming to photograph my daughter. This meant a lot to her."
"Of course! I enjoyed lil mama today. I was just telling Bey here, that she really did her thing. This is definitely only the beginning for her." Jovon said, smiling.
I'll really smack the smile of her face.
"I hold heartedly agree."
"I should be done with editing the photos in a couple days. If you happen to like them, we should work again soon. Can I maybe have your number so we could network?"
Oh this bitch is smooth.
"Sure!" Jovon handed Onika her phone, which Onika took imputing her contact information.
"Well it was nice meeting you and Lotus. I'll speak with you soon. Goodnight ladies!"
"It was nice meeting you as well. Have a good night!" Onika responded cheerfully. The fuck she so ecstatic about?
"Goodnight." I uttered.
Soon as Jovon left, I turned my undivided attention to Onika.
"Is Lotus going with me or you tonight?"
"Uh, it's completely up to you. I know tonight is one of your nights but it doesn't matter to me."
"I guess we can let Lotus decide then. Lo baby!!!" I semi-yelled to get her attention. She soon perked her head up, walking over to us.
"Yes mama?"
"You want to go with mommy or mama tonight?"
She tapped her finger against her chin, curving her lips to the side as if she was actually thinking about it.
"Hm.. How about.. Both!"
Onika sighed. "Lotus we talked about this. Your mother and I aren't together. If it makes you feel any better, you can go over mamas house and before it's time for you to go to bed, you can FaceTime me and I'll read you a bedtime story. How does that sound?"
Lotus mugged Onika like she was unimpressed.
"I don't want that mommy! I want both of you, together." She replied, clasping her hands together.
Same, Lotus, same.
••••
Comment & Vote🤎
•"Took a lil break but I'm back to me."-NM
HEY YALL! 🫶🏽
Thoughts?
This small flashback? (There's more where that came from.)
DRAKEEEE?
Onika feeling like herself again?
Jovan? (This is Meg btw)
Lotus debuting her modeling career?
Beyoncé? 👀
•I hope you all like the new cover.🤎
🖤
🖤
4051 words