It was around dusk that we all decided to stop for the night. I remembered the area we were in, the harsh forest, and I knew we were only a day's travel to Maribae, the island where hopefully Devolan was waiting for us.
We had been traveling uneventfully for three weeks now, and we were all getting anxious to get back to Ravaryn.
Carter, Dalia, and Sophie had become the unlikely trio and grew closer with every moment they spent together. Both Sophie and Carter now understood basic Powsan, and Dalia could follow along in most of our campfire conversations without having me translate everything. But while Carter and Sophie welcomed Dalia into the group with open arms, Ace kept her distance. I originally chalked it up to Ace just being Ace, but as the weeks went on, I knew there was something more.
And with the new inseparable trio, came the equally insufferable duo of Sorin and Rafe. They would spar constantly and swap stories of basically anything they could think of. They acted just like brothers which just about pissed everyone else off.
When we stopped to make camp, Dalia and Sophie volunteered to hunt–Dalia was good with a bow, and her tracking skills were amazing–Rafe and Carter went to fill up our canteens with water from a nearby stream we'd followed, Ace said she'd stay to clear the area, and Sorin announced he and I would collect firewood.
We walked through the thick brush for a while until I felt hands gently press me into a nearby tree and soft lips brush against mine.
I wrapped a hand around Sorin's neck and pressed him into me, entranced by his touch. We both laughed, and when I pulled away, I said with a grin, "We shouldn't."
Sorin kissed my jaw and playfully nibbled at my skin. "Why?"
"Because we're supposed to be getting firewood," I giggled. "And it's almost dark, and the others will freeze to death."
"And?"
"Your best friend will be cold and lonely without you."
"He'll understand it's for a good cause." We kissed for a minute longer before I pulled away again. "Tired already, little assassin?" Sorin teased. He tried to poke my side, but I swatted his hand away as if on instinct.
He laughed at this and said jokingly, "Oh, come on, don't you trust me?" And I don't know why I hesitated or stopped laughing. I don't know why I didn't answer, why I shut down, but I did.
I did, and Sorin noticed.
He looked at me first; his laughter faded next. "Don't you trust me?" He repeated.
"Yes," I said quickly, managing some semblance of a grin. "Of course."
Sorin pulled back from me, confused. All humor died from his face. "You hesitated."
I tried playing it off with a laugh. "No. I didn't." Placing my hand on the nape of his neck, I said soothingly, "I trust you, Sorin."
But the lieutenant grabbed my forearm and pulled it from him. "No," he said with painful realization. "You don't."
"Sorin-" But right as I began to try and think of some excuse for why I hesitated, Sorin's hand darted toward his knife, and I reacted. I reacted like I had been trained to do.
I reached for my knife and unsheathed it while Sorin stood there with his hand hovering over his own. His eyes were trained on the blade in my hand, face dark.
Slowly, his head shook. I watched the disbelief and hurt turn into anger. "I fucking knew it."
And then my own head began shaking as I realized what I had done. The knife dropped from my hand and onto the forest floor. "Sorin, please-" But he had already turned away.
"I can't believe I was so fucking stupid," Sorin mumbled, his back to me as he walked away.
"Sorin," I pleaded. He didn't turn around. "Sorin!"
He spun around suddenly and spat, "Do you honestly still believe after every damn thing we've been through that I would still be planning to kill you?"
I scoffed. "Of course I don't."
"Really? Then why did you hesitate?"
"I don't know."
"Why did you think I was reaching for my knife?"
"I don't know."
Sorin scoffed. "Well then let me help you: It's because you don't trust me. It's because you refuse to trust anyone, even people who are just trying to help you. You are just so fucking paranoid," Sorin continued, "that you think everyone is out to fucking get you."
My tone turned defensive. "I do trust people, Sorin. But you can't blame me for feeling a little on edge with other people. It's my job."
"Killing people for money is not a job."
"That's rich coming from a Lieutenant."
"That is completely different."
"How?!" I demanded, and when Sorin just stood there seething, I yelled, "Go ahead and say it, Sorin! I know you want to. Maybe it'll make you feel better!"
"Because I kill people who want to hurt people in my home, in my kingdom! You kill for sport, for entertainment."
I threw my hands up. "Oh, there it is! I'm back to being the heartless bitch! You really think that I enjoy killing people? Do you think I crave it? Do you think I seek it out?"
"You had no trouble killing the prince," Sorin spat at me. "He was about to become a father! He was about to start a life with the woman he loved and you ended it without batting an eye!"
"I did my job!" I shouted. "And I will not apologize for that. Will you?"
"God!" Sorin yelled. "Why?! Why are you like this?! How can you be so okay with it?!"
"Orson killed Jacob, and I don't see you patronizing him," I said. "I bet he doesn't even remember his name." For a moment everything went quiet. Sorin looked as if I'd just slapped him.
He began scrounging for words. "Th...that is-"
"Yeah, 'completely different', right?" I asked. Sorin didn't answer. "Just because Orson didn't have the knife in his hand, does not mean he was any less responsible for his death."
Sorin began shaking his head again, but it wasn't the same as before. Instead of anger, sadness flooded his face. "God," he said again. "What happened to you?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" I snapped.
"You really don't trust anyone, do you? Not him, not me-"
"Why are you still on this?! Yes, I hesitated! Yes, I reacted when it looked like you might be reaching for your knife! Is that what you want to hear!? Is that what this entire thing was about–getting me to admit to you that I hesitated? Why do you even fucking care anyway?! Why do you care if I trust you or not?!"
Sorin had gone very still, face expressionless, jaw taunt. "You don't get it."
"Get what?!"
"It's you, Vera," he said desperately, as if trying to get me to understand. "It's you I look for when I want to talk to someone; you I look for when we're in danger to see if you're safe; you I look at when I laugh to see if you're laughing with me, and I hate it. There are no words that could even begin to describe my hate for it, that... that feeling. I could look forever and never be able to put into words how I feel when I look at you. It's disgusting."
Sorin threw up his hands. "The world has pronounced us enemies. Why can't I just accept that? What makes you so different, that all the others that waltz into my path seem so insignificant? What in God's name, makes you it for me–makes you everything I ever need in this, and every, lifetime?" I had no answer for him. I was completely speechless, completely shocked and silent.
"Tell me you feel the same way!" He continued, voice rising. "Tell me I'm not losing my damned mind! Tell me..." He paused, the words suddenly choking in his throat. "Tell me you won't leave like you did last time." Last time. Last time. The words pounded in my head. Last time. Last time. My fists clenched so tightly I felt my fingernails dig crescent moons into my hands. Last time. Last time.
"I left you?" I asked, a deranged laugh rumbling through me. "I left you?" I repeated, slower.
"Yes! You didn't come back to me after the war! You didn't come find me! I thought you died six years ago!"
"You didn't come for me!" I yelled so loudly, the forest seemed to go quiet to listen. Sorin was knocked silent. "You didn't come for us. Your regiment was supposed to liberate us! Two damned weeks we waited, having to fend for ourselves for supplies and keep the Ered's out, but you never came! We tried to surrender, but they took us. They took all of us–men, women, children. God there were so many children!" I paused, waiting to see if he had anything to say, but he didn't. He just stood there listening.
"We were thrown into cages like animals and given barely any food and water. They-" I stopped, my throat tightening, constricting my words. And then the tears tried to make their escape. I sucked in a large, shaky breath to keep them at bay.
My words were thick and slow as I tried to force myself to say them. "They made us watch them kill us. One by one. Every damn day I watched someone I knew die, and I couldn't stop it. All of my training, all those hours I spent working to protect my King and my friends... and all I could do was watch a bullet rip through their brains every day. And I kept thinking that you'd find us--that you'd find me–but you didn't. I..." my voice became no more than a whisper. I swallowed. "I had to watch my best friend die. I watched him bleed out in front of me, and I couldn't do a damn thing."
Sorin blinked and softly breathed, "Ryn." Tears dripped slowly down my face. My vision blurred around the edges.
"He was the only person that ever showed me any kindness. The only damn person! He kept me together, and when he died, I fell apart. I fell apart, and I didn't have the pieces to put me back together. I was alone. I was scared. Don't you think I wanted to find you? Don't you think I wanted some semblance of comfort? But what did I find when I returned? When I was so limp and frail and broken that I had to stay in a hospital for a month? Alone?" Sorin still didn't have an answer–he stood there with a pained expression on his face–so I answered for him.
"I found you–"the hero" they called you--attending balls and parties and being so happy. Happy that your quick wit saved thousands, happy that you were forever famous and rich. Where were you though, all mighty hero, when we were put through hell?" Sorin swallowed.
"I... I didn't know," he whispered. "I just went where I was told, and when they told us we were going home... I- I just followed. They never told us... we didn't... they didn't...."
I shook my head, the anger boiling over. "Orson told me all about you pulling your troops back, all about you giving up on us to find a 'fight worth having'. He told me about you abandoning us knowing damn well I was in that regiment, knowing that I was hurt, knowing that I was dying. You left me for dead, you piece of shit. You left Ryn for dead."
Sorin blinked again as if processing this, but his head was shaking. He took a half step toward me. "No. No. Vera, I-"
"And here you are, confessing your love to me and making me l...not hate you which is a sick fucking joke!"
He took another step toward me, and tried to gently hold my arm. "Vera-"
I pushed him off. "And you're criticizing me for leaving you."
"Vera, please just li-"
"You're a sick fucking bastard, and I don't... I don't know how I ever let myself get close to you."
"Vera, I didn't leave you!" Sorin yelled. "I didn't know. Orson told me a bomb had killed you all. I left. I went to your funeral. I got drunk. I grieved."
"No. Stop it."
But Sorin went on. I didn't realize how close he'd managed to get again. "I got out of Ravaryn as fast as I could, because everything reminded me of you, and everytime I came back, I visited your grave."
"Stop fucking lying," I hissed, voice breaking.
"And when I found out you were alive, that you were the Scarlet Assassin, the king said that faking your death was your idea."
"You stop fucking lying to me. Just stop! Stop!"
"Vera." He grabbed my arms again, tightly, shaking me slightly as if willing me to listen. My hands stayed balled into fists. "Vera, baby, look at me. Look at me." I saw tears glisten on Sorin's cheek. His voice broke as he repeated, "I didn't know. The king... Orson... he played us both. Think about it. He wanted you as an assassin, and I was a liability. He wanted me as a lieutenant, and you were a distraction. Please, please, you have to believe me. Baby, please believe me. I loved you. I love you."
A single tear rushed down my cheek. I didn't know what I believed, but I knew I wanted to believe him. I wanted to sob in his arms. I wanted to scream. I wanted Sorin to tell me he loved me every minute of every day for the rest of my life. I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.
"Say it again," I said, my voice quivering slightly.
Sorin searched my eyes for a moment as if trying to find the answer to an unspoken question, yet there was no uncertainty in his voice as he repeated, "I love you, Vera Drystan."
Another tear rolled down my cheek.
I looked at the man that I without-a-doubt loved, but I did not say a word. I didn't need to. Instead, I went up on my toes and kissed him.
And above us, the stars finally took their rightful places in the sky.