"What is love?
Love is a strong feeling of compassion, a long-lasting affection. It's a form of interest that can apply to families, friends, and significant others. It's often described as an illness, especially for those who are lovesick.
Although it's not scientifically proven that it can make you physically sick directly, it can affect your hormones, such as cortisol, which suppresses immune function.
Like healing, love has phases that most people go through, starting with the phase when you meet someone or experience a moment when a certain individual attracts you. The neurotransmitter dopamine is triggered and stimulates the pleasure center of the brain.
Does it end there? No, it could be coupled with a drop in levels of serotonin, entering the phase of infatuation. This is when you feel an urgency to know something, do something, or find everything that will make him or her look at you and ONLY you. This phase of unhealthy obsession is one of the hardest parts to pass through.
Can it be developed? Of course! You can improve that little bad obsession, territorial, animalistic behavior of yours over time. Give it a year, and those immature and foolish thoughts will gradually decrease as your serotonin levels return to normal. That is... If you are very patient and... you know?
Normal.
That way, you'll be able to produce a little oxytocin to cement that mature love you've worked so hard for. It also helps protect your mental health and other issues you may encounter in the future. All you need to do is maintain it.
Sounds easy, right?
But people, especially those who know better, know it's not. The first phase is easy but scary because you have no control over it once it starts. You are drawn to something uncertain, bound in a rabbit hole you failed to avoid. A betting time where your only options are to gamble all of your cards or give everything up.
The horror, unfortunately, doesn't end there. Infatuation will come in an hour or two. Fear will turn from nothing to something that you will later want to fill with everything. The clock is ticking, as well as your brain pounding. The excitement will make your heart beat to the rhythm as your blood pumps through your veins.
Making the moment adventurous...
Thrilling...
Challenging...
Not boring...
Instincts will then kick in. You will get territorial, jealous, and irritated. Your hunger for attention will intensify, and some methods will become questionable. This is because trust is being built. A little white lie could destroy everything. A little misinformation could slip and destroy it all.
That's fine, they say. Because it all depends on how you will rebuild it anyway.
That is... If you are, again, very patient and... you know?
NORMAL.
Patience to wait, accept development, let time improve, and settle everything down.
But you know what's scary in this part?
What if you get stuck in this phase? What if time doesn't give you patience? What if everything doesn't give you a moment to accept development? What if this phase goes on and on?
There's no 'until.'
No retrieval of bets.
No oxytocin.
No rejection.
No wreckage of something.
A really ambiguous ending.
It's survival, but what happens if you get stuck? You can't die, you can't live either.
You are just there, experiencing these emotions that you don't understand. And you can't do anything about it because you are too hollowed out and out of options to do something about it.
I hate ambiguous endings. Funny because as a writer, it's the best and easiest way to end a story. You wouldn't have to deal with the readers' tears because of a non-existent tragedy, nor would you feel the dissatisfaction of a cliché happy ending.
But the feeling of unfulfillment? A scenario where there's nothing more, nothing less? It's sadder than any tragic ending and happier than a happy ending.
I stopped writing when I felt an unexplainable ache in my thumb. How long had I been writing? Since 8 am yesterday?
I massaged my thumb as I rested my back against my swivel chair. I am down to the last 20 pages of the sixth novel. I can't stop here yet.
I smirked to myself. Unless I'll give the original novel with blood as ink, right?
Using my left hand, I opened one of my table drawers and pulled out one of Gwen's illustrations.
I flipped the paper and read the context of the art.
The Last Manila Princess
She was alive in a moment, a leader who witnessed her father's downfall, the slash of a machete into her younger brother's sternum, and her mother's drowning. A royal who ran fearlessly and stepped onto the dirty soil for survival. She was the sole owner of the oriental pearl, the envoy of Mayari.
Where were you, Manila Princess?
Where were you when we needed you the most?
Where were you when your comrades died on the night of a waning crescent moon?
Where were you when we decided to use our own blood as camouflage?
Where were you?
Ah, well, that was a concept, but not particularly interesting. One wrong move, and this could turn into a rip-off of Princess Anastasia of Russia.
Although it's still vague, it all really depends on the execution and arcs. But I'm afraid this short context is all there is to it. I can sense that Gwen can only pull an idea, but not a fully fleshed-out novel where she can put every tiny detail into words.
But genuinely speaking...
Who is Mayari?
I pulled my phone and searched for the name.
"Ohhh, that's why it's familiar," I said while scrolling for more details. Mayari is the Kapampangan moon goddess. Most of the stories I know always use Luna or Selene in regards to the moon.
Well, I learned something.
"Being creative is never just about learning. It's always about discovery, interest, and dedication."
I tore a yellow sticky note and wrote "Explore more Filipino mythology" in addition to my possible references."
SEEING this Baste dog snarling and gritting its teeth at me makes me realize that I am more in favor of cats.
Well, actually, I prefer neither. I'm not fond of pets that are too complicated to take care of. The most tolerable for me, I guess, would be love birds or fish.
Exiting the kitchen with I love Boracay mug in his hand, is non-other than Gwen's older brother, Gillaermo Magtibay, also known as Gael as his nickname. A very honorable man I must say. He has this dark charisma around him, almost as if he was a secret warlock. His age is around early or mid-thirties, I guess?
With that build that clearly eats mine and candlelights around a certain picture of an old man on the other side of the living room, I can already tell that it's been years since he became the man of the house. How can I tell? Well, he seems to know every history of the things I'm currently seeing in this house.
"Baste," compared to his younger sister, his authoritative voice is more firm and refined, making the dog stopped growling in an instant.
After the dog settled down beside him, he handed the mug to me. I set the hard copies that I'm holding aside to accept it.
"Thank you," I said. He just nodded as an answer.
Gael looked at the wall clock behind him before grabbing the remote. "Mamaya pa makakauwi iyon, manood ka muna kung gusto mo."
His presence is so heavy. I don't know if it's because...
According to my little research, he is a former member of CCD, or the way he carries a conversation seems uncanny for my liking. Is it because it's too bland? Too relaxed? Too dangerously natural because of the lack of force?
I looked at the picture of the REAL man of the house on the other side of the living room, and I would say that Gael is the younger version of it. Weird. I thought. Simply because the similarities were supposed to be adorable rather than terrifying. They both have this menacing way of staring.
I tried to text Gwen while pushing myself to watch an afternoon show, saying I'm here rather than take your time to give pressure.
"Pwede mo namang iwan na lang dito kung may pupuntahan ka pa," Gael muttered. His eyes never leave the television
He is sharp.
"Oh, nah," I said while putting my hands on my precious hard copies. "May mga kailangan pa akong sabihin kay Gwen tungkol sa mga ito."
He paused when he heard me talk in Tagalog. Not long after, he nodded.
I looked at the water in the mug before drinking it.
Silence comes... It was not painful, nor deafening. Although my temper is short, I know where and when to let go. And I know better than to let that dam open at my current location.
"Korean?"
I blinked when he suddenly asked that. I show a small, genuine smile.
"Yes."
"Kailan ka pa dito sa Pilipinas?"
"A decade ago," I simply answered. "Though I came back to Korea after my brother died in 2010."
"Then bumalik ka dito?"
"Yeah, dito siya nakalibing so..." I nodded. He did too, a sign that he get the idea.
"Sorry to hear about your brother," he said. "He was a good man."
"You know my brother?"
"Nagtanong siya sa akin about my work wayback 2009. For writing purposes?" he was not sure, but I think it's definitely for writing purposes. "Isa siya sa mga nakagaanan ko ng loob. May problema ang pamilya at wala si Gwen ng mga panahong iyon. Hindi niya alam, pero malaki laki ang naitulong niya, lalo na sa pangalawa kong kapatid."
"Pangalawang kapatid?" I asked like I'm confused.
"Si Gray," he pointed his back like his brother will suddenly pop out. "Si Gray talaga at ang kuya mo ang magkaibigan. Dinadala siya minsan ni Gray dito kaya kami nagkakilala. Actually, siya ang role model ng kapatid ko kaya nag pursue ng journalism iyon."
He sighed.
"Hindi lang kami nakabisita dahil private ang naging cremation niya. Wala rin kaming contact sa pamilya niya," I cracked the gas bubbles between my knuckles using my thumb while listening. "Sinong mag aakala na makikilala ng bunso namin ang kapatid niya?"
Kind of weird, if you'll ask me.
I wonder if they know why and how hyung died. It's not surprising that they know that he committed suicide since we take our fury online, though they were all shutted down when I accepted the sorry money from the publishing company.
Heh. Nah. They know it, probably. Especially this Gael guy. He is a former member of CCD, after all.
"So paano nakilala ni Ms. Magti—, I mean Gwen si kuya?"
"Kilala niya si Sung-min?" he asked back, confused. He averted his eyes from the television to me to see if I'm being serious. When he saw that I am, he looked back at the television again.
"Hindi ko alam," he answered my question. "Small world? Siguro."
Yeah... Too small.
I rested my back on the sofa and force myself to watch the game show he was watching. It's a local show, and since it's so boring and not really my type of entertainment, I just let my brain wander and zone out.
It didn't take long for Gael to get bored since the jokes are too lame and not entertaining for his standards too, so he changed the channel.
He landed on an interesting movie.
It was about a guy who will fall in love with a mysterious girl who surprisingly, knows all about him without lifting a finger. Not knowing she is a time traveler... no, she is the time herself as it is the curse of her clan.
She can change the past through her ability, she can escape heartbreaks and the denial stage of grief by changing the course of events that may lead to it. But every time she uses this power, the more ambiguous the future will become. She didn't care though, because she lost everything way before she became the time.
Or that's what she thought... Because of her not-so-strategic plan, everything became a burden. She came back from the tragic future to save the present, but the future made her pay by using nature that maintains balance.
The only one that can beat the time is the word stop, anyway. And nature knows every single method to do that.
"IF I'm not mistaken, she gave this for your 11th birthday?"
"10th."
"Hn, yeah. She didn't visit for your 11th birthday last December, the girl must be really busy with her little mission."
The protagonist paused from drying his face, his expression clearly reflecting the question 'Mission?'
"Dreams that will give you purpose to live."
"Is she chasing... a certain dream?"
"Ha—?"
And the next minute, the protagonist was gone.
Away from the sink where he was disinfecting his wounds. Away from his annoying uncle.
There.
Gone.
No flash of light. No rainbows. Not even poof! Just a clear cut of dimensions.
He found himself on an enormous... boat that is made up of metal. His feet on the deck. He'd been leaning on the sink when it happened and so he had bent down suddenly on the railings.
He stood straightly, dazed, not believing any of it was real. Wondering if this was some hallucination. Wondering if his uncle knocked him off for fun. Wondering if this was the end of the world.
And then he witnessed the largest explosion he had ever seen. Each blast was more powerful than the previous one, brighter, more colorful... It extended out into the void, like it was connecting something... everything.
He realized that the large boat was not on the water. Instead, it was floating on the nothingness. He was not sure if it was moving or if the direction of the explosions was just messing with him.
"What the hell is this?"
And then there was a voice.
"When I saw how painful your expression was during your first birth. I already had one thing in mind to save you. I didn't know why you agreed to another level of slavery, you didn't owe the king anything unlike us, his warriors. Perhaps it's because he gave you purpose? The little girl who stole my heart with her innocent smile, the girl who freed the swine from getting slaughtered, and the girl who took on the world with her selfish motives."
"I didn't know how much you know about my whereabouts, we never had a talk even though we are at the same table or the same room. Perhaps slaves are not free to be friends either? Or maybe we were just afraid of what will the king thinks."
"But that night, that one night when two slaves were having an affair right behind the king's throne was ethereal. Our clothes fell forgotten around us. God knows how I love seeing myself in your glassy eyes."
"I was happy, you were happy, we were free. At the moment, at least. Because on the very next day, we both met our end. I threw my blade that is meant to protect the king to end your suffering and I faced execution for killing you, the greatest tactician of our nation."
"That night and that day, we collided. And made something, a where that is equally or possibly, more powerful than nature. I may be too conclusive, too attached, too romantic to say this but for me, it's ours. Not for you, not for me, not for the king. But OURS."
"This is the secret story we created."
GAEL and I were distracted when we heard a voice calling from outside.
"Kuya!" it was a man's voice so it's not Gwen. "Halika pasok ka. Ay! AY! Baste!"
Gael and I shared a glance before he pulled himself up from his seat and walk towards the front door. I just observed and wait for the newly arrived sibling from my position.
"Ang aga mo?" Gael said as he widens the door.
"Nag undertime ako," said by the man with a similar raven hair as Gwen but has more slanted dark brown eyes.
It didn't take long for him to notice my presence behind Gael. He was stoned and nailed to where he's currently standing when he realized they have a visitor.
His expression seems like he saw a ghost.
I tilt my head a little.
"Sung-min?"
My brows raised and my jaw dropped a little. The way he said that name feels like there are memories running through his head right now.
A cruel nostalgia.
A familiar woman then came into view.
It was Shaina.
Her eyes widen for a moment as she looked at me. She then looked at Gael, who was utterly confused at the moment. Maybe he was surprised that the woman is here.
"Mr. Lee," she forced herself to sound authorative. "Anong ginagawa mo dito?"
I didn't respond to her question.
I looked at the three of them as I pulled myself up.The two men looked so bewildered as they stared at me and Shaina. The woman, however, looks surprised, cautious, and suspicious at the same time.
I smiled.
This time, it's not genuine.
"Well, this is awkward," I looked at Gael, pertaining that I'm talking to him. "Maybe you are right, Mr. Magtibay. The world is small."
My fake smile faded once I averted my eyes to Shaina.
"TOO small."
"KAKAUWI ko lang, wala pa akong nabubuklat."
I stared and nod at the lady who served my tea as I smiled at her. When she turned her back, it automatically faded.
"I'm not implying anything, though?" I said, irritated at her way of saying hello. "But I have to give it to you, Ms. Magtibay. You successfully made me wait for an hour."
"Nainip ka na non? Hindi ka rin naman nagtagal sabi nila kuya?" I can feel her eyes rolling as she say those words."Sino ba kasing may sabing sa bahay mo dalhin?"
"Mayroon ka bang available na vehicle para dalhin ang mga hard copies?"
"At least kaya ko naman gawan ng paraan? I am a former cadet baka nakakalimutan mo. Tsaka, hindi mo rin naisip na dalhin sa studio?"
I snorted at her suggestion, "You really think na iiwan ko lang kung saan mga gawa ko? Original iyang mga iyan, baka nakakalimutan mo?"
She didn't respond.
I smiled as I let my finger linger on the teacup holder.
"Besides, I'm not complaining. You've got to let me finish my sentence, you know?"
"Anong ibig mong sabihin?"
"Well, I just realize something," I sipped, let my tongue burn from the sudden contact, and lick my lips to savor the aftertaste of the chamomile. "While waiting, your older brother and I watched a movie."
"Hah?"
I ignored her confusion by clearing my throat and leaning on the table, "It's a movie that I already watched though. But seeing it for the second time made me observe better and realize..." I shrugged. "Things."
"Anong movie?" she asked, curious, "Tsaka anong things?"
"Oh, I'm glad you asked, Ms. Magtibay," I watched the nice view of the city lights from the large window beside me. "The movie titled is Supernova."
She didn't respond again. Probably waiting for me to continue answering her question.
"As for the things that I realized..."
Silence...
I don't know if I'm hallucinating but I could hear her artery beating as if there's a rush flush of blood. I wonder if she's nervous or just plain curious?
If she's nervous, she knows something.
If she's curious, it was probably fueled by my tease.
My smile widens.
"It's for writing purposes," I force myself not to crack a chuckle. "Nothing serious."
I can hear her low growl from the other line.
"Ah, idea lang ganoon?"
"You sound so disappointed. I'm hurt."
"It's not that you make an effective build-up of expectations then ruined it all."
"Oh, why? Thank you. That's actually a compliment for a writer."
"That's actually a compliment for a writer," she mocked me by trying to imitate my voice. "Fine, I'll hang up. Magbabasa pa ako."
"Oh? Magsisimula ka na agad?"
"Anim na kumpletong nobela ito, mind you," she said before hanging up.
"Bitch," I said even though I know she already hanged up. "I wish you accidentally stab yourself and bleed to death."
I rested my back on my seat and stare at my unfinished tea.
"Two slaves were having an affair..." I repeated those quotes from the Supernova.
"What the fuck happened to you?" I whispered, my heart pounding as I stared at Aseph's stab wound.
Aseph grabbed my shoulder with his bloodied hands to seek support but the strength of his knees was not enough. I helped him settle down on a tree trunk and check the severity of his wound.
"Tulungan mo akong alisin ito," he was pertaining to the knife.
"No, gusto mo mawalan ng dugo?" I angrily said while looking for something that will block and lock the knife. I remove my checkered and wrap it around his wound.
After that, I looked around to check if somebody managed to tail us. When I realized that there was no one, I pulled out the phone that I managed to snatch from one of 'those' guys.
"Min Seok..."
"Hang on," I said while typing Shaina's number.
I was about to press the call button when—
"I'm sorry."
I savor the last drop of my tea before gently placing the cup back on its saucer.
Ah, I wish a shit fantasy could bring me to Supernova so that I could see the truth from the past with my very own eyes.
I looked at my wristwatch. It stopped since it's out of battery already.
I sighed and close my eyes.
I thought that puzzle pieces are meant to be found by the seeker. But based on my experience, you should hunt the ones who hide it.
Now, with the new acquaintances who I COINCIDENTLY met...
Who is the other Easter bunny who hides the missing eggs?
I cleared my throat before standing up. The lady who served my tea thanked me as she open the door for me.
"Thank you," I said.
"Come again, sir."
I faced the lady one last time and looked at the man with auburn hair and hazel eyes whose enjoying his tea with a gaming laptop in front of him.
Levy De Asis? If I'm not mistaken.
I looked at the lady one last time and smiled.
"Of course."