It was late, almost midnight, by the time Wei WuXian left the library to find his bed. He felt more than slightly guilty; this was his first day of being A’Yuan’s father and already ShiJie was being more of a mother to the poor child than he was being a father. She had fed him, bathed him, and put a pallet on the floor of her room for him to sleep on.
Apparently the day was not over; Lan WangJi stood outside Wei WuXian’s room. Wei WuXian’s hands fisted at the sight of the splash of white in the dark. “Wei Ying,” Lan WangJi called softly.
“No!” Wei WuXian hissed back, anger rising in his chest. “No, HanGuang-Jun. You are not permitted to use my birth name. My friends can use my birth name. You and I? We’re not friends. We’ve never been friends.” He wanted to punch something. All those years of trying and trying to make this jade think favorably of him. Wasted efforts. Stones don’t have friends. Throw yourself at a rock enough times, and either you’re going to break or it will. Jade was brittle, so it was supposed to be Lan Zhan who broke first. Apparently human jades were stronger than the stones. Wei WuXian found himself feeling as if his heart was cracking open. It hurt to lose a friend like this. “My friends would ask me about A’Yuan before running off to tattle to their older brothers that I dishonored a woman, left her pregnant, and then only took responsibility for our child because she was dead!” That was the only explanation for the sect leaders’ accusations. Wasn’t it? He pulled the ends of his hair, hoping the pain would calm him down; it didn’t. “Even Jin ZiXuan knew A’Yuan wasn’t my biological son!
“How is it that a man who cannot stand to be in the same room as me knows me better than someone who I called friend? Did you ever consider me as something more important to you than a stain to be wiped from your boots?” His other hand fisted so hard, his fingernails were cutting bloody crescents into his palm. “My friends know me well enough to know that I would never dishonor a woman. If I ever wanted one, loved one, enough to lie with her, I’d marry her first. My friends know me well enough that they’d know if I was married, if I had a child with her. Because they’d be all I ever talk about; they’d be living in my home. And I sure as Hell would have beaten up anyone who tried to kiss me!” To emphasize his point, he slammed his fist into the doorframe. It hurt; it felt so satisfying. Not as satisfying as punching his fist through Lan WangJi’s nose would be, but a close second. Not that he could punch his fist through anyone’s nose anymore. He winced and flicked his hand back and forth trying to shake the pain away. “No. We’re not friends. And we never were. Go away, Lan WangJi. Go back to your books and your rules. Leave me and my son alone.”
He entered his room, feeling his cheeks getting wet. Why am I crying? He angrily swiped at each cheek. His door slid shut behind him, and a voice spoke softly in the darkness. “Lan WangJi did not accuse Wei WuXian of dishonoring a woman. I… I asked XiongZhang to punish me. He asked why. I… told him what I thought was the truth. That I dishonored you and your wife back in Koi Tower.”
There was a hand on his shoulder pushing him back until his head hit the wall. “What?” was all he could say before he was being kissed again. Touching in two places, the mouth and the shoulder, was not enough. Wei WuXian reached up with one hand to press lightly against Lan Zhan’s chest, felt the other’s heart beating rapidly under his palm. He made some sort of unintelligible noise: of need, of want, a request for more? Whatever the noise meant, it worked. It drew Lan Zhan in closer, so close their chests were moving in counterpoint against each other. Hands wrapped around waists, slid up backs, nestled into the fine hairs at the nape of their necks.
Lips sliding against each other. It should be wierd; it was addicting. It felt as if he was finally a whole being. Then those lips were pressing his apart, a tongue pressing against his teeth. He felt light headed. From a lack of breathing? Was he even breathing? He deliberately inhaled through his nose: sandlewood and sweat. And, oh fuck, Lan Zhan’s tongue was in his mouth again, and his brain whited out.
When he finally regained partial control of his faculties, he suspected it was only because Lan Zhan’s mouth was no longer on his. Wei WuXan’s head was pressed up and back against the wall, giving Lan Zhan unimpeded access to his neck and shoulder.
Shoulder? Yes… shoulder. That should be covered by cloth and instead was being covered by kisses. Kisses that hurt? But in a good way? Lips moved to a new spot and sucked gently. Oh, that felt…. He felt that all the way down to his stomach. Then they weren’t sucking gently anymore, it was slightly painful in a way that streaked pleasure all the way down to where his Core should be spinning. Which made him pay attention to the rest of his body. His stomach, so taut, shivering with each caress, each suck of Lan Zhan’s mouth. HIs nipples, hard where they rubbed against his robes. Another source of pleasure/pain. He mentally shied away from thinking about what else was hard; wasn’t that only supposed to happen with women?
“Lan Zhan… what are we doing?” His voice sounded different. Rough maybe?
Lan Zhan’s voice was hoarse, too. “Kissing.” Then he tilted his head and bit down on Wei Ying’s adams apple.
“That’s biting,”Wei WuXian protested. “Kiss me.” He floated outside his head. The body underneath his hands was warm and hard and not nearly close enough. One hand settled around Lan Zhan’s shoulder; the other at his hip and pulled. Oh, fuck, he was being suffocated between the wall at his back and the body full on pressed against his front. There was not enough room to breathe. Who cares about breathing? Underrated, really. Hip to hip, stomach to stomach, chest to chest, mouth to mouth. Lan Zhan shifted, pressed even closer. Oh, fuck, that feels so good. Wei WuXian tilted his hips, chasing the pressure against his nether regions, feeling Lan Zhan’s corresponding nether regions respond in kind.
Wei Ying froze as if he had been thrown into the cold river outside his room. He weakly pushed at the body pressing his against the wall. “Lan Zhan…. Stop a moment. You’re… I’m…. Are we… Why?” He scrambled to find a coherent thought. They were hard. Both of them. Seeing as how Wei Ying no longer had a Core, his push was as effective as an infant pushing a boulder. It was enough to capture Lan Zhan’s attention.
“Why what?”
Why am I aroused kissing you? Why are you aroused kissing me? With some semblenace of thought returning, the questions sounded stupid. How would their stupid bodies know that it was a man they were kissing and not a woman? “I don’t know.”
“Do you want to stop?”
Well, that was the question of the century, wasn’t it. “No,” was the honest answer. He suspected he was supposed to say ‘yes’. “I’m just not sure why we’re kissing.”
“I don’t know why, either. I just….”
Wei WuXian suspected that the missing part of that sentence was ‘couldn’t help myself.’ Or ‘couldn’t stop myself.’ “This doesn’t make us friends,” he whispered.
“I know.”
“It doesn’t make us not friends, either.”
“I know.”
“What are we doing, Lan Zhan?”
Lan Zhan was still pressed against him. But now he sighed and rested his head on Wei Ying’s shoulder. “Since we’re not friends, why do you call me Lan Zhan?”
“It’s a bit silly to call each other by our courtesy names in private after what we’ve just done. Twice.” He winced as Lan Zhan’s forehead slid onto the spot where he’d been sucking. It felt bruised and sore. “Besides… I’ve called you Lan Zhan since the day we met. It would be awkward to start calling you Lan WangJi now.”
“I should say goodnight,” Lan WangJi spoke into Wei WuXian’s shoulder.
“You can stay if you want. The bed is big enough for two if you don’t wiggle too much.”
The bed was big enough; Lan WangJi did not wiggle. Wei WuXian turned over and over, as if agitated, until he found a soft pillow for his head and a backrest. When he woke up the next morning, it was to find his ‘pillow’ was Lan Zhan’s arm. “Oh. I’m sorry,” he blurted out.
Lan WangJi’s eyes looked different. “You have a bruise.”
Wei WuXian laughed nervously. “Yeah, I get them all the time. It’s nothing. It’ll heal.”
Lan Zhan pulled down the shoulder to expose the bruise he’d sucked into Wei Ying’s skin a few hours before. “This should have healed while you slept.” He pressed lightly at bite marks on Wei Ying’s neck. “These should have healed, as well. What is wrong with your Core?”
Wei WuXian shoved himself out of the bed and yanked his clothing into place. “There’s nothing wrong with my Core,” he lied. “I just don’t heal as fast as I did since I stopped cultivating with it.”
“You’re lying.”
“HanGuang-Jun.” It was a warning.
Lan WangJi ignored it. “I checked your meridians this morning when I first saw the bruises.”
Wei WuXian panicked. “Why would you do that? I never asked you to do that?”
“Wei Ying…. What happened to you?”
“Don’t. Just don’t. Just… leave. Please leave.” He was babbling. He didn’t care. You looked for my Core? Why?
Lan WangJi stood up as well, looking wrinkled and tired and almost ordinary in his socks and inner robes. “You said you stopped cultivating the sword path. You didn’t say.”
“Shut up!” Wei WuXian yelled. “Don’t tell anyone what you did. Don’t ever. Just.. shut up and leave.”
“Wei Ying. What happened to your Core?”
Wei Ying sank to the floor. “Does it matter? I cultivated my Core. And then it was gone. I needed to be able to protect ShiJie and Jiang Cheng, so I…. I found a cave where a hermit used to live. He had books, journals, of his studies of demonic cultivation. I studied what he had discovered, and I learned some more on my own. You can’t tell anyone. Promise me. You won’t tell anyone. Especially not either of our brothers.”
“I promise. But…”
“No. Don’t tell anyone. I don’t want their pity.”
“You’d rather hear them call you arrogant for not carrying your sword?”
“Yes!” Wei WuXian scrambled to his feet again. “Arrogant? I’ve always been seen as arrogant and too self-important for the son of a servant. If they ever find out I lost my Core? I’ll be nothing. How can I protect ShiJie and Jiang Cheng if I’m nothing?”
“Wei Ying could never be nothing if he tried.”
Wei WuXian sighed. “Without a Core, I have no place in Lotus Pier. Without my demonic cultivation, I have no place in the cultivation world. I have no worthwhile skills to make a living outside of Lotus Pier. I can’t farm; I can’t cook. I can’t make wine; I’d end up drinking more than I would sell, anyways. I can’t even set up a calligraphy shop. I might be able to become a tutor for some rich family, but I don’t have the proper schooling credentials.”
He’d lived on the streets for years. Starved as a child and as an adult. Being thought arrogant and dismissive of custom and heritage was so much better than starving. “Promise me.”
“WangJi swears that he will not tell anyone about your Core.”