Second Time Around

10. Ask and Answer

On the way back to Sword Hall, Lan WangJi picked up two handfuls of pebbles. Before kneeling at his table, he carefully laid them down, and deliberately knelt on the piles.

Lan XiChen saw this, of course. "What happened, WangJi?"

Lan WangJi looked down and fixed his skirts so they lay flat and smooth and perfect against his legs. "I made assumptions again. I was wrong." It was the easiest explanation to give without lying even if it wasn't the actual reason he was punishing himself.

I wanted Wei Ying to have remembered what the ribbons represent. I wanted him to want to be the one allowed to touch it because of that. I want him to want to touch me because it's me he's touching, not because he enjoys touching and he's curious and I'm available. I want him, XiongZhang. I want him beside me for the rest of our lives. And I can't ever have him. Not like that. I want so much, and I can't have any of it. I have to remember that what we're doing is just temporary. And soon he's going to meet the woman he's going to marry and love and be with for the rest of their lives, and I'll be alone.

I don't want to be alone, Ge!

Wei Ying dreamed of us living together. I want that, Ge. I want that little cottage and a simple life of farming and night hunting as we please. As long as he's with me, I want...

How do I learn to stop wanting what I can never have?

Luckily, Lan XiChen either did not see that mental diatribe or was ignoring it. "Did you eat? I did not see you or Wei GongZi during lunch."

"Yes, XiongZhang." That lie was easy to say. The only thing he'd put in his mouth was Wei WuXian's tongue.

It was delicious, but not filling.

Remembering it was not helpful to his focus.

Lan Wangji had spent a large majority of his lifetime paying attention to boring people. He was quite skilled at listening to people drone on and on and remembering what they said. He blamed the pebbles under his knees for his inability to focus. He didn't even have the excuse of Wei Ying distracting him as the younger man had gone to the library after their tryst instead of returning to the sect leaders.

Jiang YanLi was a welcome distraction. "Jiang WanYin," she scolded. "These sect leaders have come here for rest and relaxation and you're keeping them cooped up discussing sect matters for days! Let them wander Lotus Pier and talk informally! I know for a fact that several people here have daughters of marriageable age... And there are several unmarried men. I'm sure there are far more interesting discussions to have while they're relaxing here than typical cultivation conferences!"

Lan WangJi quite enjoyed the look of horror dawning on Nie ZongZhu's face as several people turned to measure him as potential spouse for their female relatives. Without looking, he knew his own brother's face would be turning into stone as he internalized that Jiang Guniang had just offered him up as a matrimonial prospect, too. Jiang WanYin looked furious and embarrassed. "Jie," he offered weakly. "This is an important discussion...."

"I'm sure it is," Jiang YanLi agreed with a polite smile on her face. "Jin ZiXuan just informed me that we will have guests arriving within a few hours. His father and half brother would like to relax here as well before the New Year's preparations begin." She looked with a steely gaze over the people in the Hall. "Unless you prefer to accuse Jin ZongZhu of misdeeds right when he arrives?"

Jiang Guniang was a force to be reckoned with when she felt like it. Long before her future in-laws stepped off their swords at the gates to Lotus Pier, the sect leaders were ensconced in cozy rooms with braziers emitting gentle heat or enjoying the winter sunshine and the soothing sounds of the lotus ponds. Small groups of men and women discussing potential marriages and border alliances and joint night hunts for juniors. All very innocuous and innocent.