Not much later, they sat in the backseat of an Uber on their way home to her place. They didn't talk much, whatever they had to say to each other wasn't best discussed in front of a random stranger in his car.
She was wearing her mask again, and every few seconds he looked over at her to check on whether she was still breathing normally, and more often than not he would find himself looking straight into her eyes whenever he did so because she kept on looking over at him too. All while he was still holding onto her hand, gently stroking her skin with his thumb every once in a while.
It was the strangest feeling, sitting right next to her right now. How often had he dreamt of this moment... but now that they were here, it felt oddly unfamiliar, and he had no idea what to do with himself. Somehow, their breakup... HER breakup, had turned this person who he thought he knew so well, whom he had shared so many intense and personal moments with – good, bad, happy, sad, desperate, passionate – into a stranger he couldn't read at all. And right now, he wasn't even sure whether he wanted to...
"So", eventually he cleared his throat to break the silence when he realized that she wasn't going to, "What happened exactly? With Donovan?"
"Ugh", she sighed, "I don't really want to think about it anymore, to be honest. I just... I came running down the hall because I was looking for you. I was searching, I mean, I still had no idea whether you'd actually be there at all, right? But then I ran into him, he must have just come back from the restrooms or something, and I was so THRILLED to see him because that meant that you'd be there too. But then, he wouldn't let me pass to talk to you! He said, he couldn't let me anywhere near you because of how much I hurt you... and that he was going to protect you. From me. And, well... he did! He wasn't like, super violent, of course. But he pushed me and pulled me back and blocked my path and grabbed and held me... stuff like that. He was dead serious! And then, I don't know... I mean, it was super hot in there, at least it felt like it to me, and under the mask I couldn't breathe well, you know, I had been running and the entire situation was, like, super stressful! So I got an asthma attack. And on top of that, like I said, I'm not in the best shape right now, I... have some issues with blood circulation and low blood pressure, so I got dizzy and must have fainted. So yes, the interaction with your brother certainly intensified the situation, but I don't know... I wouldn't say it was HIS fault per se. He apologized, and I can kind of understand him too..."
"Well, you're an actress, it's your job to understand even the strangest of behaviors."
"Right, maybe that's why. But also, I mean, he's your big brother! My big sister would probably have done the same for me. I most certainly would do the same for anyone in my family. Considering all that he told me", she had to swallow to suppress the tears welling up in her eyes again, she had no intention to start crying in this Uber, "... about how much I hurt you and... broke you."
Jordane nodded and looked away, and she could see that his eyes had become suspiciously shiny too. Now was a good time to not go any further into this topic until they were home.
"And", he continued, "how did you even know, or suspect, that I was at the airport?"
"Someone told me that you wanted to fly back to Atlanta with your family tonight. Not more than that."
"BK?"
She didn't answer. She didn't want to get her young colleague into trouble with her friend, but there was no need for any further confirmation anyway.
"Why did you block me? And... even my mom?", she asked eventually.
He looked at her with big eyes and almost scoffed. "I? Why did YOU block ME?"
She looked down onto their hands that were still holding each other, and she had the urge to tighten her grip on his.
"I tried calling you, I kept texting you... but... you know that. I just had the feeling that we weren't done talking. I mean, how could we? After everything we've been through, and with everything we had still planned. And it's not even that I desperately wanted to change your mind, you know. I'm a strong believer in letting a woman choose for herself and for her own heart, mind and body what she would want to be doing with a man – or stop doing with him. I just didn't understand, you know? I think that was the hardest part. You know, about being an actor, and being able to understand even those behaviors and reactions that seem strange and foreign to us? Usually I'd like to think I'm pretty good at that too, but this... I don't know I just... the more and more I went over it in my head, the less I could understand it. But well, I couldn't reach you, and eventually I stopped trying. But then, I noticed how I still kept hoping that YOU would call me. I did nothing but sit next to my phone all day, I barely even took a shower because I was afraid to miss your call! At the same time, another part of me knew that you wouldn't call, and that I was just hurting myself and wasting my time waiting for you. So eventually, I decided to block you. Everywhere. Of course, like that I would never know whether you'd ACTUALLY call me, but at least I knew that I wouldn't need to wait any longer. And then", he even chuckled softly to himself and shrugged, "then I realized that I started waiting for your mother to call! Or rather you from her number. So I blocked her too. It was really nothing against her, I'm really sorry, she was such a sweetheart the whole time and she was really there for me! I'll apologize to her. But yeah, well... that's why. And eventually I even managed to tell myself that I was happy I didn't need to talk to you anymore. Donovan's right, I AM hurt. And angry."
Carefully, she nodded. Of course he was. She could see it in his eyes and in his entire body. "And you have every right to be", she whispered, "Don't think I don't know that."
"We're here", their Uber driver mumbled into his beard, impatiently. They had stopped about a minute ago, and even though he somehow thought to recognize that woman from somewhere, he had no mind to listen to this conversation any longer. After all, you saw and heard A LOT as an Uber driver in LA...
When she opened the door, she noticed that he was hesitating. No wonder: not too long ago he had thought this would become his permanent home, and then he went straight to thinking he'd never ever come back here. She herself hadn't been home in a few days, since her friends had taken her away on her birthday and she had stayed at Bex' ever since. And now... she was stepping through the door a different person. A mother-to-be.
"Where are the dogs?", she heard him wonder about the unusual silence that surrounded them, he certainly must miss Levi in particular, his best little buddy. Or, not so little anymore by now.
"They're still at Bex'. I've spent the weekend there since... my birthday."
He nodded and mumbled, fairly uncomfortably. "Happy belated birthday! I wanted to congratulate you, but..."
"I know", she nodded.
"Did you have a good day?"
She scoffed. If he only knew... "It was nice, yes... thank you. Uhm... would you like anything to drink? Coffee, tea... soda, wine, a beer?"
"Just water, please. I won't be long. Thanks."
"Coming right up. Please, have a seat."
He sat down in the kitchen just by the kitchen counter, he didn't even bother heading to the living room. He did not seem interested in a long conversation at all. She took a deep breath, she mustn't come on too strong right away. She needed to give him time too. If she was feeling confused, she could only imagine how he must be feeling right now.
Meanwhile, he looked around, uncomfortably kneading his fingers, not a single clue what to feel, what to expect or hope for. Then he stopped, and it was as if he could feel his heart squirm inside his chest.
"You took off the picture?", he pointed to from where Bob Marley's eyes had usually looked at him, but now there was nothing but an empty piece of wall that screamed of the failure of their relationship.
She nodded as she served him a glass of water. "I did... I just couldn't look into those eyes anymore, you know... It was like every time, they were judging me. I still have it though. It's downstairs in the basement."
He nodded and quickly took a sip. He most certainly hadn't ever intended for this picture to end up in her basement that quickly, and she could have slapped herself for it.
"Well then", demonstratively he checked his watch, "what did you want to talk to me about?"
She sighed and walked around the counter to be able to sit next to him, then reached for his hand. They had been holding hands before, so surely he wouldn't mind, and she just needed to hold him right now, needed him to hold her. He didn't pull away his hand, but wasn't holding on to her much either. When she looked at him, it was the first time that she saw his face without the mask, and she caught herself studying his features, every inch of his face. His eye color, his skin color, his eye lashes, his beard stubble, his short and tight curls that she so loved to 'mess' with, and she couldn't help but let her thoughts wander off for a few heartbeats to the little human who was with them right now, even though its father had no idea yet. What would he or she look like – if they ever came into this world? Would they have their father's eyes? His hair? How light or dark would their skin be?
"So?", he asked again, certainly curious why she was just awkwardly staring at him like that.
She shook herself and nodded. "Right, so... here we go", she took a deep breath and tried to look him in the eyes as confidently as she possibly could, trying to put all her feelings for him into her gaze, "I have so much to say to you, baby, but... after all, it all comes down to one thing: I love you. Losing you just made me love you even more. I cannot be without you, I know that now. I've tried, but... I made a terrible mistake and I'm just so, so sorry for everything I've put you through. I know I've hurt you more than you should ever be hurt, and there's no excuse for that. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I still need to try. And if you still love me... and somehow can forgive me... I want you back, Jordane!"
She tried to somehow read his thoughts in his eyes, but before she could do so, she felt his hand slip out of hers as he got up and turned around, walking a few paces away from her, then coming back and turning around again, running his hand over his head, then nervously scratching his neck.
"Jordane?", she whispered, "Please, say something..."
"I... I don't know what to say, to be honest. What do you want me to say?"
"Well... what do you think? About what I said? How do you feel?"
"How I feel? I don't have the words to describe how I feel, Lana... Do you have any idea how often I went through exactly this conversation right now inside my head? How I have been wishing, hoping, praying to hear those words out of your mouth? To get back together with you... And not once did I ever say No! There's nothing I want more. Of course I love you too. Still... and maybe even more than I have before. But now... after two weeks of suffering and crying and thinking... I...", his voice broke as the first tears escaped his eyes to make their way down his cheeks, "I don't know if I can. Forgive you... or be with you again. Trust you."
She swallowed and looked down at her hands that were resting inside her lap until one of her tears fell onto her wrist, and she wiped over her eyes.
"I know what you mean..."
"I'm not sure you do."
"If you would just give me one more chance... Everyone deserves a second chance, no?"
"Of course, but... I mean, this is kind of not even the first time you dumped me? Remember, after our last day of filming. And even if, I'm scared! I don't ever want to go through this again... ever! I couldn't... But what tells me that you won't change your mind again? I'm still fifteen years younger than you, and that won't ever change. So... why should it be different now? Can you promise me that this won't happen again? I don't want you to suffer the way you told me you were suffering because of our relationship. And I don't want to suffer the way I suffered, should I ever lose you again, be it next week, next month, or in ten years."
All is going to be different now, she wanted to say to him, we're having a baby, we can be a family! But she stayed true to her initial plan. Her baby was too small to carry the burden of having to be the glue of this relationship. Every child was too small for something like this. If two people didn't work together without a baby, they wouldn't work together as parents either.
So she simply shrugged and said with a sad smile: "No... I can't promise you that, not if I'm being honest, at least. No one can tell the future. But what I can promise you is that something changed inside me. What's different now is that now I know what it means to NOT have you in my life anymore. And I can assure you... whichever amount I might have suffered before. Being without you hurt a hundred times more. I don't ever want to lose you again, Jordane! And I will hold onto you, to us... as tight as I can. This I can promise you", she held up the heart pendant dangling around her neck that she was wearing again, "I already promised you once... remember?"
It was like his strong figure just imploded, shaken by his sobs, and he had to hold on to the kitchen counter to keep himself upright, his other hand was covering his face until he was ready to look at her again, and the wounded look in his eyes was enough to make her too finally lose the fight against her tears for good.
He shook his head, sobbing. "Lana, I would love nothing more than to give you my heart, but I don't have one anymore to give away because you... you broke it!"
"I know", she whimpered, covering her face with her hands, "I broke mine too."
Suddenly she felt a pair of strong arms pulling her off her stool, wrapping around her shaking body, and she almost melted into his embrace, inhaling the smell of his skin as if it was the oxygen that she needed to survive. This! Exactly this right here. This is what she needed! Just hugging him like this made her feel like everything was going to be okay.
We made a tiny human, she thought to herself. And this tiny human needs you, needs its father. And I, I need you too! Whether our baby survives... and even much more so if not. I could not ever go through this without you!
For a few minutes, they just cried quietly on each other's shoulder, holding each other. Then Jordane gently pushed her away and shook his head.
"I can't... not now... It's all too much! If at all... I need time. I'm sorry."
He placed his hand against the back of her head and blew a soft kiss onto her forehead, then wiped away a tear with his thumb before he passed her on his way out.
Her heart stopped for a beat. No... no! Don't leave now! You need to know! You need to stay! This is your home. You belong here, we belong together! At the same time, she wasn't sure whether any of those words would change anything right now. Or any words at all. Maybe they had talked enough. And instead of faking another asthma attack, she ran after him and managed to grab his hand.
"Jordane!!"
He turned around, looking at her with surprise. "Wha..."
In one swift motion she wrapped her arms around his neck, pressed her body against his and her lips onto his. Usually, she was a friend of consent, and she didn't like to ambush or attack a man any more than she'd like to get ambushed or attacked this way herself. But she wasn't able to help herself any other way. Words couldn't properly express what she felt in this moment. But true love's kiss... True love's kiss could make babies, apparently, and true love's kiss could break any curse. Right?