Skylar Lin spent the majority of her life envying other people. But still, she liked to think that she was different. Because unlike most, she never envied appearance. No. Things like your hair color, the shape of your eyes, your height, those were uncontrollable. Rather, Skylar envied the parts of you that were controllable: the way you treated others, the way you spoke, the way you carried yourself, your wit and humour, to your passion and work ethic. Those were the traits that Skylar wished she possessed. And now, as she watched her classmates stream in through the door, that envy kicked in stronger than ever.
She watched Brooke Simons stroll past the threshold like she owned the place, with her chin held high, shooting a wink at her friends. Skylar wanted her confidence.
She watched Michael Chen do that weird dap-handshake with his friends, the way he could light up a room with his mere presence. The lanyard dangled from his cargo pants, several items linked to the keychain showing his involvement with the school. As Lincoln High's student president, captain of the senior basketball team, school treasurer and leader of the debate team, Skylar wanted his passion and drive.
She watched Hafsa Ahmed skip into the room. A group of rowdy boys at the front made fun of her neon yellow hoodie, and she flipped them off without a second glance. A chorus of Ooohs rang out, prompting a stern scolding from Ms. Singh. Skylar wanted Hafsa's sense of pride and courage.
She watched Kaden Brooks waltz in with his girlfriend clinging onto his arm. She wanted... well, actually, Skylar didn't want anything from him. She's known him since the first grade, and he could never remember her name. Kaden would call her the name of every other Asian in their class before he'd get the right answer. Once, when he needed a spare pencil, he turned right around and asked, "Hey, Hannah, got an extra pen?" Hannah was filipino, with skin several shades darker than Skylar. Not to mention that Hannah had bangs and braces, neither attribute which related to Skylar herself.
Still, at seventeen-years-old, Skylar wondered if anybody ever looked at her like that. If they could look past her scrawny, five foot one frame and truly wish they could peel apart some aspect of her, whether personality or appearance wise, and hope to plaster it onto their own skin. But Skylar knew better than that. She avoided her own reflection in the mirror, for god's sake. If she couldn't even stare back at herself for five minutes without feeling a cringe in her throat, how could she expect someone else to respect her in such a way? So, no. Skylar was smarter than that. She wouldn't waste time with wishful thinking. Nobody would ever look at Skylar Lin and associate her with jealousy, because there was nothing to be jealous of.
Skylar dragged her gaze to Ms. Singh, who had finished putting the slides up onto the projector. School had just started a few weeks ago, and they were starting off with a bang: Shakespeare's infamous Romeo & Juliette. While most teachers didn't assign homework the first week, Ms. Singh's advanced English class was an exception. "I hope everybody had the chance to read the first two chapters."
A flutter of murmurs and half-assed nods were the extent of enthusiasm. After all, what else could Ms. Singh expect at a 9 am class? "Excellent" the teacher beamed. "Then you should be well equipped when I put you into groups." Automatically, groans let out. Ms. Singh mocked them, throwing back her own head and grunting. "Come on, it's Shakespeare! What's not to love about Shakespeare?" She shook her hands out like she was giving the class one giant hug. "Alright, just give me one second to take attendance, and then I'll let you know your groups." Ms. Singh put her beaded glasses back onto the tip of her perfect, straight nose, scanning her eyes between the paper and the heads of students.
Skylar loved Ms. Singh. While this was by far her favourite class and subject, she swore that Ms. Singh was out to get her, because out of all the people, Skylar was put with the most extroverted kids in the class. Michael, Hafsa, Kaden, and his girlfriend, Summer Marshall.
They were already conveniently seated together, forcing Skylar to drag herself out of her comfortable spot (back left, by the window: this allowed her to stare mindlessly out the grassy fields when she had noone to talk to, which was, evidently, all the time) to join the existing herd. They didn't even acknowledge her presence. Although, Kaden scooted his chair over so Skylar had room to sit. They seemed to be in the middle of a conversation that, surprise surprise, had nothing to do with the actual discussion.
"-are you going?" Michael Chen asked Hafsa.
"Yup! Can't be high school without football games, ammiright?" she answered. A piece of gum slopped between her jaw.
"Marshall, what about you? Wait, have you guys seen that new tik tok? The one where the guy blows his nose and-" Pretty soon, the topic had changed to the new dancing trend, and Summer was standing up, secretly recording her own tik tok while the rest of the group snickered.
Skylar pressed her lips so tight, she was sure they were permanently plastered like that. She knew exactly what trend they were talking about, and she spent half her life scrolling through social media that she could've done the dance in her sleep. But Skylar lived life with a filter, and she hated it. There was a permanent screen attached to her face like a mask. Any words that tried to come off her tongue had to filter through the screen, and by the time she worked up the courage to say it, the moment was gone. She was too late, and they moved onto the next topic. And then when she knew how to contribute to the new conversation, by the time she recited the words in her head at least three times, that moment passed, too.
It was a brutal, endless process.
At this point, Skylar had given up on trying. Socializing just wasn't for her, and she learned to accept it. So she dragged the piece of paper onto her lap. Tilted her head so her black hair formed a shower curtain, concealing her expression from view. She decided to just work on the answers herself.
About ten minutes later, after Summer was satisfied with her tik tok and posted it, Kaden said, with slight irritation in his voice: "Okay, seriously guys, we probably have to present this in front of the class, and so far we've got nothing."
"Oh, shit. Right. Anybody got any ideas?" Hafsa asked.
"Wait, what's the question?" Michael wondered aloud, pencil tapped against his lip.
"Um, wait which one are we supposed to answer?" Summer squinted at her page.
4. Question 4. Skylar jittered her right leg viciously up and down. God, just say it, you coward, say it-
"Oh, we're supposed to do question 4" Michael said.
"Ooh. Oh yeah. Okay. I got nothing. To be honest, I didn't even do the readings. There's just so much, and I need to focus on physics-"
"Oh my gosh, yeah, me too, wait you're in Mr. Rogers' class too right? Did you do the lab, yet?"
"No, I haven't even started yet."
"Girl, me neither, thank god!"
"Okay, okay good!"
And then the topic was changed to physics class. Just like that. Skylar honestly couldn't keep up with the conversations at this point. She didn't take physics this year. She didn't take any sciences this year actually. Most of her classes were based on the arts or humanities.
A stern cough erupted from behind Skylar, and the rest of her group members whipped their heads up in unison. Without needing to look, Skylar knew it was Ms. Singh. Her presence was booming. "Working hard, or hardly working?" The teacher tilted her head, causing the large red bangle of earrings to swing with the motion.
"Both?" Kaden grinned. He had a contagious grin. Okay, Skylar took back what she thought earlier. There was in fact something of his that she envied. His boyish smile had a certain infectious charm to it.
Even Ms. Singh couldn't stop herself from grinning back. "Uh-huh. Sure. Let's see what you've got then." A protruding silence followed. Tension thick and gray muddled in the air, and nobody seemed able to look the teacher in the eye. Blushing cheeks and coughs filled the quiet.
Skylar inched the paper in her lap further down, until it was fully concealed by the desk. But Ms. Singh tracked the motion and snapped her fingers. "Skylar, what's that you've got in your hands? You've scribbled quite a bit, there."
Skylar gently cleared her throat. Her fingers shook gently as she brought it up. "Would you mind reading it aloud?" Ms. Singh softened her tone when it came to Skylar, and it didn't go unnoticed. Skylar was grateful for it, but she hated how differently she was treated. How fragile the teachers talked to her. Sure, she was shy, but she wasn't some porcelain doll that could fracture at the touch.
Unfortunately, as Skylar read word after word, the wobbling in her tone defied those thoughts. Their group was supposed to discuss whether or not they thought Romeo & Juliette's relationship was based on pure lust, or if there was enough evidence of an emotional connection. Skylar read aloud her notes- mere scribbles in the margins really, but Ms. Singh was clearly impressed. Her eyes continued widening when Skylar rambled on about the significance of the red rose in the balcony scene, and how Romeo specifically picked red to subconsciously foreshadow the promise of blood and death later on.
"Impressive. And was this a group effort, or did Skylar come up with this all by herself?" Ms. Singh glared at the rest in their group. But none of them spoke up. Some even writhed in their seats, staring expectantly at Skylar for the answer.
"Group effort," Skylar said after an awkward amount of time.
"Are you sure?" It was clear that Ms. Singh didn't believe an ounce of that.
"Yes. Everybody helped."
Slight pause. "Alright. I'll make sure to tab that in your participation marks." Her heels clacked against the wooden floors as she moved onto the next table.
Nobody acknowledged Skylar. Nobody thanked her. They just moved onto the next topic of conversation, which was fine because Skylar didn't expect them to show any gratitude. Skylar went back to her own desk. Again, nobody even said bye. She supposed that being in the shadows had its perks. For one, it humbled you. When people ignored you, or abandoned you, you were already in the dark for so long that it didn't even faze you.
Drats, she thought. She forgot her pencil back with the others. When she returned to the group, they were back to making tik toks, but in her peripheral vision, she caught Kaden's eye. He was staring at her. Well, he seemed more preoccupied with whoever he was texting on his phone, but his eyes slid up, sensing her presence. And he held her gaze.
Skylar wasn't used to eye contact. It made her nervous. So she nearly snapped her neck looking away, and it wasn't until five minutes later when the class regrouped that she realized she forgot her pencil.