*A little sad ngl..*
GEORGIE
The sun is finally rising, I have been seated in my windowsill and it feels like I've been waiting for years for it to finally be morning. I haven't been able to sleep, everytime I close my eyes and I'm left alone with my thoughts, Harry's words shoot through my mind.
"Why are you up so early?"
I turn my head and spot Niall who has made his way into my room. He's bare chested, only wearing some sweatpants, his hair is messy and sleep is still filling up his eyes which makes them puffy. He looks both incredibly hot and adorable at the same time.
"I haven't gone to bed yet." I respond, locking eyes with him quickly before turning my head back to the view in front of me.
Niall walks up to me, sitting himself down in the window frame next to me and letting his legs dangle from the edge. It remains quiet between us, the only thing I'm hearing is the birds that are chirping and letting the world know that they're awake, ready for a new day. I wish I'd feel the same excitement they feel whenever the sun comes up.
"Are you alright?" Niall asks carefully, breaking the silence that was hanging over us.
"Not really." I answer him, keeping my eyes glued to the sunrise that's happening in front of me. I know that whenever I'll look at him, I'll start to cry and I'm afraid that once I start I might never stop. Besides, Niall has seen me crying once before and that's already one time too much for my liking.
"What's going on?" he questions me, trying to understand something he never will.
I place the cigarette that I was sneaking back in between my lips and take a big drag, allowing the smoke to fill up my lungs before I exhale. I don't even know what to tell him, I hardly know what's going on myself.
Besides that, I always feel a suspicious feeling rise up in my chest whenever I'm about to open up to someone. It's because I've been hurt in the past by people who knew a lot about me and I don't want that to happen again, because they usually end up using those things against me.
I want to trust Niall, I really do.. Even though I can't ever fully open up to him.
"It's.. uhm, I'm scared." I start to speak, not even really knowing where this is heading myself.
"Of what?" Niall places a hand on my thigh, wanting to show support but it only makes me shut my eyes and exhale deeply. Tears are burning and begging to be let free but I refuse, biting down on my cheek to stay strong.
"Scared at the thought that I have nobody who really likes me.. That nobody really wants to get to know me, they just want to use me. And most of all I'm scared that those thoughts I'm having might actually be true and not just things I make myself believe." I spit out my words before nervously taking another drag of my cigarette, hands shaking as I bring the stick up to my mouth.
"They're not true, Georgie.. those thoughts." Niall mumbles, trying to look me into my eyes. "I like you for you." he says, hand now moving to my free hand in an attempt to take a hold of it.
"Do you?" I shoot my words at him, turning my head and finally locking eyes with his blue ones. I can feel a tear escape and roll down my cheek. "Or are you just nice until I let you fuck me? Because that's probably the only thing people have ever liked me for, my body."
Niall is visibly startled by my words, I don't know if it's because he realised I'm onto him or if it's because I insulted him with what I just said.
"Don't ever think that again, please.." Niall begs as he reaches out to touch me again, this time he hesitates and makes himself pull his hand back before he gets to me, letting it rest next to him. "It's not because we flirt sometimes that it means I only like you for your body. Do you really think I'd hang around a girl for that long, waiting for her to fuck me if I didn't like her beyond her body?" he questions, a scoff leaving his mouth.
"I don't know whether to cry or laugh at what you just said." I tell him before doing both.
Niall starts laughing with me, I know he might not always have his ways with words but I can tell that he's trying his best. I know he means well, therefore I need to fight those thoughts in my head and not push him away from me.
"Whoever doesn't look past that amazing body of yours is missing out." Niall says, now daring to take a hold of my hand. "I think you're a beautiful person.. Inside and out." he whispers that last part, thumb caressing my skin.
A smile grows onto my face as tears burn into my eyes, I don't think anyone has ever been that sweet to me before. It's a shame, a shame that my heart wants something different than my mind. I should go for a guy like Niall, a guy who can actually be sweet but instead I go for an asshole who treats me horribly.
"I don't know, it seems like I'm always good enough to fuck but never to be loved for who I am. I haven't even gotten to share who I am completely with you so you might just like the idea you have of me in your head." I tell Niall, holding back my tears as I pull my hand back out of his grip. A heavy feeling is settling itself in my heart.
"Why aren't you just yourself around me? I-"
"Because I don't like myself, Niall!" I interrupt him, finally breaking down completely. I take another shaky drag from my cigarette before tossing it away and wrapping my arms around myself. Pain filled sobs start to leave my mouth as I fail to keep them inside.
"Georgie, where's this coming from?" he questions me, making me shrug and wipe away some tears.
"You wanted the real me, this is the real me! A girl who doesn't like anything about herself. I don't like the way I'm acting half of the time, I don't like the way I let people treat me and how I'm a walking disappointment for my family." I spit out my thoughts.
It stays quiet, I've never heard silence quite this loud. See, this is what happens when I let people inside my head. They think I'm utterly insane.. I don't even know why I try anymore.
"Maybe you should try to stop thinking negatively, if you keep thinking those things they might end up coming true." Niall finally says something, making me stop crying immediately.
"So.. you think this is my fault? That I'm choosing for my brain to think like that?" I ask, sounding very offended because I am.
My mind can't think clearly anymore, it doesn't even want to acknowledge the fact that he probably said that out of a good point of view. It sounded like an attack so now I'm going to treat it like one. I don't even care that I might push him away in the process.
"That's not what I mean.. but-"
"Oh.. so you actually do believe that it's my fault." I interrupt him, crossing my arms over my chest while sending him a nasty glare.
"Maybe let me speak first, there's no need to give me an attitude." Niall talks back to me.
For a second there, I heard Harry. His choice of words make me see red, I believe I might actually be able to murder him at this point. Not only is he rude, he made me think of Harry and that's about the last person that I need to be thinking about right now.
"Fuck you! I can say whatever I want in any way I want." I tell him, trying to look more angry than hurt. I'm failing however.. I can see it by the splash of guilt that flashes through his eyes.
Niall tries to say something but I stop him, I don't want to hear any of it right now. I just go back to hugging myself and staring out in front of me, trying to count to ten in my head so I wouldn't do things I'll regret later.
"Georgie, I-"
"Get out of my room." I demand, not even glancing back at him.
"C'mon, I didn't mean to.. I-"
"I said, get the fuck out of my room." I interrupt him once again, now turning my head and looking at him so he knows I mean it.
Niall hesitates, he thinks that if he looks long enough in my eyes that I'll change my mind and that shows me that he clearly doesn't know me well enough yet. I give him a cold look, wanting to signal him without words that he really needs to leave right now or things might get out of hand.
After he finally does what I asked him to and I hear the door close behind me, it's like I can finally breathe again. I hold back my tears, not wanting to cry anymore because I got what I deserved. Here I am, alone at last again. Sad thing is that my brain makes me believe that this is right, that I don't deserve to have anyone in my life who cares about me.
It's only five minutes later that I get startled, the door of my room opens and it makes a feeling of anger rise in my chest.
"I told you to leave me the fuck alone, Niall!" I raise my voice.
"Fucking hell." Louis curses, still holding on to the door handle as he places his other hand onto his chest.
I mentally curse at myself for acting that way, not realising that Louis was entering my room, the motherfucker always sees right through me.
I get myself off the window sill and close my window as I'm hoping that he'll just leave me alone, even though I know that he won't. I sigh, crossing my arms over my chest as I avoid looking in Louis' direction.
"What's going on with you?" he asks, now crossing his arms over his chest as well.
"I feel like shit." I answer him, trying my best not to cry by biting down on the inside of my cheek.
"What's going on, G? You know you can tell me."
"I don't even know, I just feel like I'm losing my mind." I state, slightly raising my voice again as tears pop back up into my eyes.
"Come here." Louis opens up his arms, not saying anything else because he knows there's nothing good at arguing with me whenever I'm feeling like this.
Slowly, I walk up to him and watch him give me a sympathetic smile before I let myself crash into him. Louis closes his arms around me, allowing me to nuzzle my face into his sweater and take in his familiar smell. It helps me to calm down a bit. I have gotten lots of hugs from Louis but it keeps surprising me every time how good he is at giving them.
"How about we take a day off?" Louis questions, placing a hand on the back of my head as he slowly caresses my scalp. "I'll call school and tell them that you're sick." he whispers, making a smile grow onto my face. "Don't ever tell Joey though.. the wedding would be cancelled so fast." I can't stop myself from laughing and pulling back out of the hug so I can take a look at him.
"What are we going to do?" I ask him.
"The sun will be out today, so.. I thought we would get some groceries first and then have ourselves a picnic. I know a park that's a bit further away, there won't be a lot of people there. I mean, only if you want to.." his excitement dies a little near the end, mostly because he doesn't want to come over as too pushy.
"Not only do I want to, it would be an honor to have a picnic with you." I tell him, making a smile grow onto his face as his eyes light up.
"Let's fucking go." he cheers lightly, nudging me a few times on my shoulder which makes me chuckle before I watch him walk out of my room while announcing that I have ten minutes to get ready.
The trip to the grocery store was a short but a good one, Louis kept me distracted from my thoughts the entire time and I'm grateful for that. We make our way into the kitchen, both of us with grocery bags in our hands. We bought all sorts of food, mostly comfort food but also some typical things that you take on a picnic.
"You really can never tell Joey about this, I let you skip school and drink alcohol.. What kind of a parent am I?" he says as I hand him the bottle of wine we bought, he acts very dramatically on that last part and it causes me to laugh and roll my eyes.
"You'd definitely be the cool parent. Do you and Joey plan on having kids?" I question, further emptying the grocery bag.
"Uhm.. I think we definitely want kids, it's just a difficult process and right now we already have our hands full with you." he says, placing the food and drinks that I'm handing him into a cooler we can carry with us to the park.
"I'm basically a practice child to you guys." I tell him, making Louis give me a side glare.
"Yeah.. keep up the good work and I'll never want to have children, ever." Louis answers me, making me gasp and nudge him on his arm.
We lock eyes and laugh before continuing to pack our cooler until it's completely filled. Louis even starts to hum while doing so, making me smile because it really helps me to keep myself present and not in my head that much.
I throw on Joey's old jeans jacket as Louis is already starting the car. I place my phone on the dresser as I make my way towards the door because I purposely do not want to be disturbed today.
Louis turns on some music as we start our drive, he first explained to me that it's not that long of a drive but he wanted to pick out some music anyways, he's not a fan of the radio.
I'm starting to feel rather content as the sun is shining down on my face through the window, meanwhile the beats of Nirvana's album 'Nevermind' are blasting through the radio. Louis is singing along, I focus on his voice and it helps me not spiral back into my bad thoughts.
"Don't be too hard on Blondie, he's just trying his best." Louis finally decides to speak instead of sing.
"Don't even get me started on that, please." I turn my head towards him and send him a glare, immediately going into defence mode because the whole argument is still laying quite heavily on my chest.
"Why? What did he do that's so wrong?" he fires a question back at me instead of avoiding the topic like I asked him to.
"I said I don't want to talk about it. I already feel bad enough." I mumble, picking at the skin besides my nails.
"Don't worry, this picnic will lift up your spirit." Louis tells me just before parking his car.
I don't know about that, but I do admire him for trying. I just send him a nod and a weak smile before focusing myself back on my surroundings. The park looks absolutely beautiful, like it comes straight out of a painting.
Me and Louis get out of the vehicle. The wind gently blows into my face as the sun shines down onto my body and warms me up, I close my eyes and enjoy the feeling for a moment.
"You carry this." Louis says before throwing the picnic blanket into my face, making me catch it and give him an annoyed look.
After a little walk, so we'd be deeper into the park, we settle ourselves down on the big field of grass that's all around the fountain that has been built in the middle of this place. I throw the blanket on the ground, making sure it's spread out even before sitting myself down on it and watching how Louis places the cooler down next to him.
"Want some wine?" Louis asks, after we have spread out the food across the blanket.
"Yeah.." I take the bottle out of his hand and place it against my lips, ready to drown out my emotions with it. But before I can take too big of a swig, Louis is quick to snatch the bottle back from me.
"Easy there, don't want you to end up in AA." he says, making me roll my eyes at his attempt at a joke.
I decide to focus on the food because there's no way I'll get to drink away my sorrows. I pop some grapes into my mouth before deciding that healthy food is not going to cut it, so I grab the cake we brought from the store and take a big bite out of it.
"Damn G, at least cut the fucking thing." Louis says, giving me a disgusted glare which I ignore as I go in for another bite of the cake.
After some silence and me downing the cake like I think it'll take away all my problems, we start to actually enjoy the picnic. Louis and I are chatting, enjoying the sun that's burning down on us and he actually makes me laugh a few times.
Then, out of nowhere, I see Louis' face change. He seems to be looking at something behind me so I decide to follow his gaze as an anxious feeling flashes through my stomach. Before I can comprehend what I'm seeing, a dog clashes into me.
It's charlie.. Oh no...
My eyes turn big as the dog starts giving me kisses, I push him away a little even though it hurts me to do so because the dog doesn't know that this is not okay. He's so excited to see me again and wants to show it. Poor thing doesn't know how much trouble this can get me.
"Who's fucking dog is that?" Louis asks, not knowing if he should be concerned or in awe because he loves dogs.
"I don't know.." I lie.
Charlie is not really helping me with lying, because by the looks of him you wouldn't say he doesn't know who I am. His tail is wagging, eyes sparkling as he's practically jumping with joy from seeing me again.
"Are you sure you've never seen him before? Seems like he knows you quite well." Louis says, suspicion filling up his eyes and voice which makes my stomach drop.
If Charlie is here, then so is Harry..
"I swear, I've never seen him before." I lie, feeling bad that I have to say that in Charlie's company. I'll have to apologise to him for this.
As I'm looking around me, trying to spot Harry while scared shitless that he'll have to come and get his dog and Louis will be on to me, I spot someone else jogging over towards us. When the person's close enough, I can see that it's a woman in her thirties with a dog leash hanging from her left hand. Who the fuck is that?
"I'm so sorry! He normally never does this." she apologises to us before putting Charlie back on his leash.
Louis tells her not to worry with a fake friendly chuckle which makes the woman act friendly back to him, something he obviously didn't want to happen. They start a conversation about dogs and more in particular, Charlie, meanwhile I'm trying to stop myself from murdering the woman.
All sorts of scenarios are playing through my head, mostly the one that this is Harry's actual wife and the image of her and him playing house with Charlie. I of course don't know if that's true, but I do know that she's not just some random dog walker, I can tell by how well Charlie is listening to her demands now. What if that's why he won't let something more grow between us, because he already has a fucking wife.
I just know that this will be a hyperfixation from now on, I need to know who that woman is and what she is in relation to Harry.
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Georgie to that mystery woman: