*This chapter contains a brief discussion about child abuse (physical).
She was quiet.
I ran a hand up and down her bare back, touching the scars that she had there. They were so faded that any normal person wouldn't notice them, except I had been staring at her naked body for hours now. I'd been exploring it and touching it and studying every inch. I touched the marks. They were thin and spread out across her back at random. They were a very light pink color.
"Do you want to know what they're from?" She whispered as I traced my fingertips along them gently.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"It's okay." She said, turning her head to look at me. She gave me a small smile, shaking her head, "I want to tell you."
I swallowed, sitting up and leaning over to her. I pressed my mouth against her back, along one of the scars, covering the entire length of it in kisses. I wrapped my arm around the front of her body as I continued to do this, kissing every single one.
"When I was a little girl, my mom died. Me and my sister went into foster care for a bit. We were lucky, actually. We weren't in the system as long as some kids are... it was only a few years. We were placed with a foster family." She paused, averting her gaze as she took a shaky breath in, "And our foster dad had a drinking problem and a resentment for his wife's good deeds... better known as her foster kids."
"He hit you?" I whispered, frowning as I adjusted myself to look at her face. Silent tears streamed down her cheeks.
"Me and my sister were the only ones placed with them at the time. They wanted to keep us together and I'm glad they did. He would get drunk after work and the more he drank, the angrier he became. He would come into our room late at night with his belt, ready to get some of his anger out. He tried to take my sister so many times... she was so little." She started to cry harder, her entire body shaking. I held her tighter.
"She was just a baby. I couldn't let him hurt her. She was tiny... she was fucking tiny..." She gasped for breath, trying her hardest to stop her tears, shaking her head.
"Let it out. Let it out." I whispered to her, pulling her back into my arms and squeezing her. She shook her head.
"I can't cry. This isn't... this isn't what I do. I listen. I don't talk... I don't cry over this shit. I never have.... this is so embarrassing, I'm sorry, I-" Her words cut off with a strangled cry that she choked down. I understood what she was telling me.
"Hey. Look at me." I murmured to her, tilting her head to look up at me. Her eyes were wet with tears as they searched mine, waiting for me to go on.
"I don't do this either." I whispered, "So if you promise not to tell anyone about my crying, I won't tell anyone about yours. I'll hold this for you. Okay? It's okay. We're strangers... we'll... we'll never see one another again. You can tell me anything and I promise I will forget it as soon as I leave."
I knew it was what she needed to hear. She was strong. I could see that from the moment I laid eyes on her. She was hard and detached from her emotions when we first got into this room. When I first touched her gently, she looked confused by it. It took a couple of hours before she was relaxed and had started to become soft with me, too. The connection between us helped. We felt like we've known each other for our entire lives. Or at least... it felt that way for me.
I cupped her face in my hands firmly, watching the tears spill over as she looked at me, "It's okay. It's okay."
I pulled her shaking body against me, I pulled her right to my chest and let her bury her face in my neck. I let her soak my skin with her tears and I held on tight. I would sit there like a stone as long as she needed me to. I'd let her cry all night if she wanted. I came here for empty, anonymous sex and I found a connection deeper than I ever thought was possible. If we didn't touch again other than this, that would be okay with me.
As heartbroken as I was for her, I was equally angry that a grown man could hurt a child in such a brutal and violent way. I had only just come to know what abuse was like and I still couldn't even admit out loud that that's what my father was doing to me. I wanted to comfort her. I wanted to take her pain away. But I had nothing to give her except my arms.
I let her cry and she did. She cried like she had never cried over this before and part of me thought that maybe she hadn't. Maybe she was so used to being strong that she never let herself break open. She never let herself be that little girl who put her trust into an adult who turned around and hurt her. She needed this, she needed someone else to care for her the way she cared for her sister. She needed to be held.
"You're the best big sister in the world. She's lucky to have you. You know that, right? You protected her. You saved her." I whispered to her, pressing my lips against her shoulder gently.
She wiped her wet cheeks against my bare chest, looking up at my face with a frown as she shook her head.
"I saved her, but I ruined myself."
"You're not ruined." I responded immediately.
"You don't know that. You don't know me. I could be a crazy person. I could be making all of this up. You don't know." She replied, shaking her head in protest.
"I know you're not ruined." I said to her sternly, raising my eyebrows.
"You don't, you don't, you have no idea!" She began to breathe quicker, looking a little panicked and teary eyed as she did.
I grabbed her hand and I lifted it to my chest. I held it against my skin and let her feel my heart. I stared at her, my eyes stern, watching her in silence as she focused on the rhythmic beating under my chest. She shut her eyes and breathed out a long sigh, her throat working as she swallowed.
"Can you feel that?" I whispered to her, watching her eyes flutter open to look up at me, "Can you feel my heart?"
"Mmm." She nodded, moving closer to me, curling her fingers into the skin of my chest.
Maybe it was just infatuation. Maybe it was just a crush. Maybe we were two vulnerable, lost souls who were in desperate need of a connection. Maybe I was simply insane for feeling this way. Or maybe it was fate. Maybe we were meant to have this night together.
I didn't know which it was, but I wasn't going to question it any longer. If I only had one night with this girl, I was going to learn everything I could about her. I was going to take in everything she told me. I was going to be a rock for her if she needed one. Or a safe place to hide if she needed that. If I only got one night with her, I was going to be honest and open and vulnerable with her.
I lifted her free hand and pressed it over her own chest then, so she could feel her own heartbeat, in unison with my own.
"And do you feel yours? Focus on it." I asked her, watching her sigh and nod her head. She shut her eyes and focused on the feeling for a long, silent moment.
"I know you..." I murmured. I leaned forward to brush my lips over her eyelids gently, my next words a whisper against her wet cheek. They were true for me even if they weren't for her.
"My heart recognizes yours."
I was in heaven.
Sure, I was drunk and okay, maybe Arabella was drunk, too. Maybe I wouldn't be brave enough to say these things to her when I was sober. Maybe she wouldn't be either. It didn't matter. Nothing did, because I had her against me. I had her warm body pressed to mine. I was flicking my tongue against the side of her neck and she was arching against me. She was holding me so tight. She was letting out tiny gasps and sighs of pleasure into my ear as I sucked against her salty skin, tasting her. I was going to fuck her right here, right against this building. I didn't care who saw.
I didn't think anyone would see. Nobody had so far.
But then suddenly, Arabella shoved me away from her with a loud gasp. I frowned at her, trying to move back in for another kiss. I was desperate to be near her again, but she held me at arms length, her face pale as she stared behind me. My drunk brain took a second, but I quickly realized someone had caught us. My heart dropped into my stomach as I turned to see her little sister standing at the edge of the alley.
A sigh of relief left my body. It was her sister. Her sister would cover for us. After all-Arabella covered for Dani their entire lives. She protected her. She bled for her. Of course she wouldn't tell anyone. I didn't have a doubt in my mind.
But Arabella didn't seem to have the same faith. And she knew her far better than I did.
"Dani... Dani, I-" Her words came out a trembling whisper as she shook her head at her sister.
"Oh my god." Dani said quietly, her eyes widened in shock.
She must have seen us kissing. She must have seen... a lot. She blinked as she looked between the two of us, seeming to be confused by what she just witnessed. She stood there, frozen, her and Arabella just staring at one another.
"What is going on? I thought you... don't you have a girlfriend?" She said to me, shaking her head, "Did you bre-"
"Did you find them? Oh. There you are." Finn walked up, slinging his drunken arm over Dani's shoulders, "Where the hell did you two run off to?"
River and Buffy both ran up, out of breath, sharing a panicked look with one another before looking at us in an apologetic manner. I knew they must have tried to distract them away from us. I didn't know if River for sure knew what was happening between me and Arabella, but I knew he had an idea after what happened at Lights Up Festival.
"They were just-" Dani started to say, but looked at her sister and closed her lips tightly, cutting herself off.
"We saw a stray cat. You know me. Gotta save them all." Arabella said quickly, moving toward our friends and away from me.
"Me and you don't need another baby. We already have one." Finn laughed, too drunk to realize anything was off. He pulled his arm from Dani's shoulders and slid it around Arabella's as she approached.
I knew he was talking about cats, but it didn't matter. Those words out of his mouth made me feel murderous. My fingers curled up into fists, so tight that my nails dug into my palms. I tried to breathe slowly, to calm myself down, but it seemed impossible at that moment.
The jealous tension rose quickly. I could feel my own as well as Dani's as she watched Finn pull Arabella close to him and start to walk away with her. Buffy must have noticed as well. She gave Dani a gentle tug to make her walk with her, starting to talk about nonsense to distract her.
My throat was tight and my body was tense as I followed behind everyone. I stared at the back of Arabella's head as we all walked to the boardwalk together. Every time she turned her head, I hoped she'd look at me, but she didn't. She looked at Dani again and again, the two of them seeming to be communicating through shared looks alone.
Everyone was laughing and talking. Arabella was faking it, I could tell. But I wasn't able to. All I could do was watch her in dreadful silence as she threw her head back and laughed at whatever her friends were saying. All I could do was stand behind her and pray that she would move back toward me because I was desperate to be near her. All I could do was stand there, away from her, away from my goddamn heart, knowing she can't acknowledge me right now.
I stayed silent as we all walked through the carnival at the boardwalk, which was full of families and teenagers mostly. The lights were so colorful and bright. My eyes strayed to the Ferris Wheel, remembering what happened between me and Arabella on it the last time we were here together. I wanted a repeat. I wanted a do over. I wanted to go back in time and give everything to her that she wanted.
We went to the Funhouse again where Arabella and Finn jointly worked their charm on the owner, Bobby. I watched them together. His hand kept brushing over the small of her back, her fingers were holding onto his belt. They stood next to one another like lovers. They knew each other's bodies well, they moved together with an ease that made my jealousy raise at a rapid pace. I suddenly just wanted to go home.
Anything was better than witnessing Arabella with him.
Buffy came up next to me, grabbing my arm and giving me a tug to pull me back from everyone.
"What is going on?" She whispered, "What did I miss?"
"Dani caught us." I whispered back to her, keeping my eyes on Arabella and Finn as I spoke.
"Fuck. Is she going to say something stupid? If Finn finds out..." Buffy trailed off, sighing, "We talked today. He says he thinks he's in love with Arabella."
My head snapped to the side to look at her, my voice coming out sharper and louder than I anticipated, "That's bullshit."
She shushed me, but everyone turned to look at me when I said the words. I looked back at them firmly and everyone turned away, everyone except Arabella. I stared at her for a second longer before I looked back at Buffy.
"He's not in love with her. He's full of shit. He's mad that she's moved on with her life and isn't giving him the attention he's used to. He doesn't fucking love her. Not like..." I trailed off, pressing my lips together tightly to stop the words from coming out.
Not like I do.
Buffy stared at me in shock, her throat working as she swallowed. She blinked and reached out to touch my arm gently, giving it a squeeze.
"I don't think you should wait until the end of summer."
I knew she was right. I didn't say anything, I just nodded at her, forcing all of my words down as she tugged me with her toward the Funhouse, to go up to the roof for firework viewing like last time. I knew there would be no secret hand holding for me and Arabella this time, not with Dani and Finn watching like their lives depend on it. I didn't want to go.
I didn't want to stand there and watch Finn hold her as the fireworks went off. I didn't want to feel Dani judging me for what I was doing with her sister. I didn't want to feel Buffy staring at me with pity because I was madly in love with someone that wasn't my girlfriend.
I pulled back.
"I think I'm gonna head home." I said to Buffy, watching the others go toward the Funhouse without us.
"No, don't go home! The night is just starting!" River interrupted, overhearing what I said.
I reached over and clapped my hand against his shoulder, giving it a squeeze of appreciation. I could feel everyone watching me after hearing what River said, but mostly I felt Arabella's eyes on me. Her and Finn had stopped by the entrance, turned back to watch me say my goodbyes.
"I'm tired. Fireworks are just fireworks no matter what day it is, right?" I said softly, "Thanks for having me over today."
I wanted Arabella to stop me. I wanted her to tell me to stay, but she didn't. She frowned as our eyes met briefly. I forced myself to look away because Dani had her eyes on us.
I gave Buffy a kiss on the top of her head, watching her give me a sad look.
"Are you sure?" She whispered and I nodded.
Was I sure I wanted to be alone? No. I never did. But I was sure that I couldn't keep being around Arabella in front of other people. It ate me alive to not be able to touch her, to even be near her right now for fear of her sister saying a word.
"See you guys." I said quietly, turning away and starting toward the boardwalk so I could go home to sulk.
I shoved my hands into my pockets so that I wouldn't put them into fists. My palms still hurt from how tightly wound my fingers were on the walk here, from having to watch Arabella and Finn. I didn't want to put myself through any more torture.
I wanted to watch the colors of the fireworks flash across Arabella's face. I wanted to watch the explosion of them reflected in her eyes. I wanted it to be just me and her on that roof, where I could kiss her mouth and hold her close as the town around us celebrated. If I couldn't have that, I'd rather be alone with my thoughts and my fantasies of it.
I watched the fireworks from my window alone. I kept waiting for Arabella to show up at my door. I kept waiting for her to knock until her knuckles bled for me. I needed her to show up. After what happened tonight, I needed her to show me that she wanted this as badly as I did. I needed to know she wasn't going to walk away from me because of her little sister.
It was late when she finally came home. I was nodding off on my couch when I heard the loud voices coming from her balcony. I shot up, moving to the sliding glass door in my living room, nudging it open a little further so I could hear better.
"...not doing this with you! You don't get to judge me!" Arabella was trying to keep it down but clearly struggling.
"You're sleeping with a taken man!! He's practically married, Arabella! He's been with her for his entire life!" Dani argued back.
My heart dropped into my stomach when I realized what was happening. They were arguing about me. I wanted to open the door and interject. I wanted to tell Dani how unhappy I was, that it wasn't what she thought. I didn't think it would make much of a difference to her, though. I was still a cheater. I had to accept the judgments for my actions.
"You think I don't know?! I know exactly what I've gotten into! I don't need you on me about this, okay? I feel bad enough but I... I can't fucking stay away from him!" Arabella sounded like she was crying.
"Daddy hates him! I don't even know why, but he hates him! He must be a bad person, he must have done-"
"Daniela, don't you fucking start..."
"You know what it's like to be cheated on!!" Dani said, her voice shaking, "You used to cry every day. Every fucking day you used to go insane wondering where Luca was or who he was with. You used to go through his phone, through his texts when he was sleeping. He fucking ruined you when he cheated on you and you're just going to turn around and do that to someone else?? What is wrong with you? Who are you??"
Arabella was quiet except for her tiny gasps and hiccups that let me know she was crying. I shut my eyes. I wanted to go out there so badly. I wanted to put a stop to this but I knew that Arabella would only get angry with me for not letting her handle it on her own. But I wanted to defend her. I wanted Dani to know that she tried to put a stop to this so many times. That she was good and pure and everything right in the world. I'd rather she crucify me over and over again than blame her sister.
"You don't know how much it eats me alive every fucking day. I feel horrible. I feel..." Arabella cut off, sucking in a huge breath, "I tried so hard to stay away from him and I can't, Dani, I can't. Don't you understand what that's like?"
"You mean like me with Finn?" Dani said in a very low, very angry sounding voice, "You told me to stay away from him. You told me I couldn't have him even though I'm in love with him! And why?! You have Harry, why do you fucking care what Finn does?? Let him go, let me have him since you're in the middle of a fucking affair!"
"In love with him? You... no, Dani. No. You can't..." Arabella tripped over each syllable that left her lips. I couldn't help but shut my eyes as I heard the pain in her voice.
That felt like a knife to my heart. Like she had just shoved it in and twisted it deep within me, ripped it out and let me bleed. I didn't understand why she wouldn't let Dani have him. I knew Arabella was in love with him... but I thought she was moving past that. I thought she was moving toward me.
"You can't date Finn. I'm sorry. I can't... it's... please, Dani." She breathed out, shaking her head, "And you... you can't tell anyone about me and Harry. Okay? Promise me."
"You are so selfish." Dani snapped at her. I nearly gasped out loud at those words because Arabella was not even fucking close to being selfish. And if she was acting that way, she deserved to be. She was selfless her entire life. If she wanted to be a little selfish now, I didn't see a problem with that.
There was nothing but silence that followed and I knew those words felt like a slap to Arabella's face. I gripped onto the edge of the door, desperate to slam it open and go outside. It took all of my strength, strength I didn't even know I had, to keep myself inside. I couldn't believe the way Dani was talking to Arabella after all that she did for her. But I also didn't understand why Arabella didn't let her have Finn...
"I'm selfish?" Arabella asked, "Because I'm asking you not to go after the one person that I'm closest to in this world? Really?"
"I don't understand why it matters. You shouldn't care, you're running around being Harry's dirty little secret!" Dani said, pausing for a moment, "You know... I used to dream about being just like you. But being the other woman? Letting a man cheat with you? I've never wanted anything less. I can't believe you're doing this."
"You may not like what I'm doing, but you will respect me, Daniela. I'm still your goddamn sister and you're not going to talk to me like this. Is that understood?" Arabella snapped at her, the words sharp and maternal. I was so glad she was standing up for herself that I nearly started clapping.
Dani was silent. She may act bratty from time to time, but I noticed that she always did what Arabella told her to do. There was an understanding between them, an understanding that Arabella knew what was best for Dani. She may not like it, but she was going to do what she was told. It reminded me of a mother and child. Dani trusted that Arabella would never lead her astray. She looked up to her. She admired her.
I knew that only made Dani's disappointment hurt more.
"Did he tell you he's going to leave her?" Dani asked after a long moment of silence between them.
"He..." Arabella broke off, "I'm not doing this with you. I need you to tell me you're not going to say a word. To anyone."
She scoffed, her next words sharp, "He won't leave her. You know that. You know they never leave."
I waited to hear more, but all I heard was the door sliding shut in anger. Nothing but dreadful silence followed. I pulled my door open, my heart heavy in my chest as I took a step out onto the balcony. Arabella was still outside alone. She was standing with her back to me, her arms crossed over her midsection like she was holding herself together the best she could.
I moved to the railing, standing at it and looking at her back. I wanted to climb over and gather her against me, but I noticed she went tense as soon as she heard me come outside. She usually went soft for me. This wasn't right. Everything began to twist inside of me, like a warning sign. Like my heart and my gut were sounding off sirens that something really painful was about to happen.
She exhaled a shaking breath before she turned around to face me. I almost expected her to still be crying, but she must have forced her tears back. They were shining in her eyes, bright and sparkling, like sad little diamonds. Our eyes met and she visibly shivered, holding onto herself a little tighter.
"C'mere." I murmured to her, lifting one hand off the railing so I could extend it to her.
"I can't." She whispered, her voice breaking with emotion.
No. Don't say that. Don't do this.
"Sure you can. You pick up your left foot and take one step forward, then again with your right, and repeat that 'till you're here." I said, pointing to the spot in front of me, "Where I want you to be."
"Harry, we can't... I can't. I can't keep doing this." Her voice trembled. She averted her gaze to the floor of her balcony.
Everything about her was the opposite of what it usually was with me. She, who was always gleaming sunshine and softness like cotton candy, was now tense and distraught and closed off. I needed her to open back up. I couldn't lose her.
"Hey. No. Petal..." I shook my head and jumped over the railing quickly, watching her look up at me as she stumbled back from my body, trying to create distance between us.
"Arabella... please."
I grabbed onto her, pulling her toward me, but she pushed me away immediately. A tiny gasp escaped her, one that let me know that she was about to break, and I grabbed her again. I pulled her against me, but she kept fighting me. She kept trying to push me away. She wanted to push me away more than just physically and I couldn't let her.
I couldn't handle it right now, not after realizing that I was in love with her. Not after experiencing the feeling of being in love for the first time ever. I always heard that first loves hurt the most. That the pain from them would burn long after the surface wound was healed. I didn't care. I would let her burn me, if she wanted to burn me. I would let her ruin me, if she wanted to ruin me. But not so soon. Not yet. Not now. I needed more time with her. I deserved more time with her.
"She's right, she's fucking right..." She gasped out, shaking her head and yanking out of my grasp, "This will never work, Harry."
"Yes, it will. It has to. We have to work. I can't bear the thought of my life without you in it. I used to dream about feeling this way about another person. I can't let you go. I'll fix it, okay? I'll fix it. I just need time." I grabbed her again, pulling her body to mine and holding her arms down to her sides so she would stop pushing me away.
"Now that she knows... she's going to tell Finn. I know it. She's going to tell him and he's going to... he's never going to look at me the same. I'm never going to-" She cut herself off with a sharp gasp, the tears finally spilling over her eyes.
"Why are you holding onto him??" I gave her a little shake, looking down into her eyes, "He doesn't see you, Arabella. He's never seen you. Let her fucking have him! Let him go!!"
"Don't you dare talk to me about letting go." She yanked away from me again, her eyes flashing with anger, "Did you hear her? Did you hear how she attacked me for being the other woman instead of you for cheating?? That's going to be everyone who hears about this. I'm always going to be branded a classless whore for going after a taken man. My reputation will be shot, nobody's going to trust me, not even my little sister! You have fucking ruined me!"
I stumbled back at her sharp words, blinking in surprise.
"I ruined you?" I asked her softly, my eyebrows lifting.
Of course I did. I ruined everything I touch, I've always been a ruiner, of course I'd ruin her as well. It made sense. She wasn't ruined in my eyes, she was perfect, she was everything I'd ever wanted but of course... of course being something that I loved, she would become ruined in her eyes. In everyone's eyes.
Arabella's face crumpled as she turned away from me. Her shoulders shook for a moment, but she forced herself to regain her composure right away. She was shutting down. She wasn't letting herself feel everything anymore.
I did that. I ruined that.
"We should end this now before it gets worse than this." She whispered, her voice chilled in a way that I hadn't heard for a while, "We should let go of this. Of us."
"No." I replied automatically, unable to stop myself.
"Harry..." She breathed out, turning to face me again.
I grabbed onto her desperately, dragging her body up against my own. I was holding her so tight, too tight probably, but I couldn't stop myself. I wanted her crushed against me. I needed to feel every inch of her body against mine. I needed to feel her heart, I needed her to feel mine-to recognize it.
"We can certainly try." I whispered to her, leaning my nose down to nudge across hers, "But for me? Know that I will never be able to let you go. Like I said... as long as you and I are on the same planet..."
Arabella almost gave in. Almost.
She melted into my body, letting me hold her, letting herself be comforted by my embrace. She clutched back to my body, clinging to me, burying her face in my chest. She took shaky breaths in and out as I ran my hand down over the back of her head. I felt myself begin to calm down, thinking that I had diffused the situation again and still had her. That she was still going to be mine, that she was going to allow me to be hers.
But then she pushed away again.
And her face was different. She was closed off. She was too rattled by what happened tonight. I realized right then that I had to give her some space and time or else I'd lose her for good. I let her push me away from her, but I held out my hand.
Tears burned in my eyes and I could see them shining in hers. Fireworks went off in the distant night sky, framing her perfectly. I watched the colors of them flash over her face as she took my hand. We stared at one another for a long moment of silence, neither one of us wanting to go.
"As long as you and I are on the same planet." She whispered back to me, squeezing my hand tightly.
My heart. It felt as if it may explode inside of my chest.
I wanted to yank her against me and kiss her stupid mouth. I wanted it so badly that I had to avert my gaze, unable to stare at her for another second. I kept my eyes away as Arabella let go of my hand. When I looked back at her, it was just in time to watch her turn away and go back into her apartment.
I hung my head as soon as she was out of my sight. I knew that we weren't over. I knew that deep inside of my soul. I knew we would see one another around and feel that usual pull towards each other. I knew that we would give in. We were weak for one another. Too weak to go on living so close, to share the same friends and not have one another.
I knew that we weren't over.
But standing there alone on her balcony, feeling my heart settle into my stomach like a rock, I knew that something inside of Arabella had shifted. I knew that starting this affair with me had broken something in her.
I knew that she was right-I ruined her.
SHANIA TWAIN AND HARRY STYLES SANG TOGETHER AT COACHELLA.
That's it. That's the author's note. Avoiding discussing what I just did. LOVE YOU!