In my past I have really struggled with eating disorders, being on a liquid diet is horrible this is my third time on a liquid diet.
During my time sectioned for my eating disorder I was on a liquid diet to break my habits.
It worked but now it's a source of pain because all I remember is how I felt about myself then.
I was drinking my drink one morning when Santiago walked into the kitchen and came up behind me hugging me tight.
"Sis why are you crying?" He asked me. I patted my face and felt that it was soaked from my tears.
I pulled out my phone and went on to the notes app before explaining to Santiago.
'I was just struggling to come to terms with everything. I have had eating disorders before and these drinks remind me of those shitty times. Then I miss my best friend who died in my arms and Jax bought everything back up.' I typed out on my phone.
Santiago pulled me even closer to him and rested his head on top of mine.
"I am sorry you had to go through all of that. If you ever need anything we are all here for you if need a shoulder to cry on I have two." Santiago said.
I just leant my head on his shoulder and just stayed there, when everyone else came down I stayed there for a while.
Everyone else looked at us funny because I was clearly crying. My eyes were puffy and my cheeks were very red.
As soon as I have recovered from this I am going to continue training at our gym.
My life has always been messy but I thought coming here and being woth everyone would change things but it didn't really help.
These past thew days were all the same, to the point where they had blurred together.
Me and Santiago were watching all the marvel movies, we ended up watching them in chronological order.
We were both laid across the couch when, Alessandro came home and looked at the two of us longingly. I patted the couch for him to sit with us, begrudgingly he sat next to me were I had patted.
He settled next to us, removing his tie before embracing me. It was clear to both of us that it had been a tough day.
"How long has it been since you last slept, I haven't seen you sleep in a while." He said looking down at me and running his hand through my hair.
I looked up at him shrugging, before turning to snuggling into him resting my head on his chest.
Alessandro kept me sane, he scared me at times but he was the most important person to our family he was the glue.
He had a different effect on each family member, he kept me sane, he kept Dante behaving, he kept Carlos calm, he kept Lorenzo laughing and he kept Santiago smiling.
My brothers had all said that I didn't need to work, we had the money for me to decide what I wanted to do.
I had always wanted to do photography but I had never had the time or money to try and get into it but i had taken some pictures of my friends and the weather.
In school I had won a prize for my photography and I also took most of the posters around school.
My school never upheld me for it, but it was something I was always and still am passionate about.
I live for photography and it's something I have always done but it was something I love to keep private because that way Maria wouldn't be able to ruin it.
I had my camera in my bag that was the only peice of technology I ever had in Texas.
I had it with me here but I had kept it secret because I wanted it to remain my something special.
I decided that in the morning I would take someone's car and go explore to find some things to photograph.
Or I might just go on a walk on the grounds of our house. At the back of our house there is a wooded area.
There are pictures of us all playing or having family picnics in there.
I left a note for my brothers and text Alessandro were I would be before drinking my first drink and leaving the house.
I knew our old childhood playground in the yard would be abandoned so I decided to start there.
I set a timer before running to sit on the swing for one photo with the sunrise.
I got myself in a better position to take a photo of the abandoned playground once the sun had risen.
This was where I felt truly at home on the way back to the house I got pictures of some of the wildlife I saw.
Once I made my way back to the house I installed photoshop and began editing the pictures I had taken.
Eventually around ten am my brothers started to wake up, I was sat on the decking outside with my camera in hand taking more pictures of the wildlife.
I walked into the kitchen where everyone was now sat eating. I sat at the table and continued to edit my pictures.
That was until Lorenzo asked what I was doing on my laptop, I shook my head as I had finished and was no longer doing anything.
He took that as his answer before telling me to get dressed and go the gym with him not to workout just to be there.
I agreed and changed in a comfortable outfit.
I took my camera with me because I wanted to get some action shots of people working out.
I preferred working with people rather than animals because I can communicate with humans.
"The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave but one."