"yah, we're going to go to johnny-hyung's house, you wanna come?"
"...no."
.
.
.
"you wanna come wit--"
"no."
.
.
.
for a whole month and a half, winter came and i refused to tag along those four. i think i was getting sick and tired of them practically forcing me to go to parties and shit. so i decided to actually use my voice and learnt to say no to them. however, it also led to me being unable to keep my head straight. i distanced myself from others. it included renjun. i had his number, but i never messaged him knowing that this was well over a month as he had said.
i had so many doubts that kept floating in my head that i ended up not eating, sleeping, and studying well.
"gosh, donghyuck...what happened to you?"
jeno asked as he found me spacing off again, sitting at the back row of the lecture room. i admit that my physical appearance wasn't in quite a good shape.
"..."
"no response, huh?" jeno scratched the back of his neck and tapped my arm. "let's get lunch with the rest. it's been a while since we ate together with you." i didn't agree nor did i deny, but i just followed him considering i was currently quite hungry. we walked in an awkward silence.
"ah, donghyuck-hyung?" chenle's voice greeted me as i sat down next to him, "it's been a hot minute since we've seen you." he said with a blank tone as he continued to eat.
so much for a warm welcome.
"speaking of not seeing you...i haven't been seeing that guy, either. what was his name? donghyuck's crush...?" jaemin spoke up, as he fiddled around with his barely-filled notebook. his little doodles were shown along with the notes of rumors and gossip written down with his handwriting.
i didn't say anything as a response. maybe because i was a bit at a loss by the mention of renjun's name in jaemin's notebook. it wasn't rare to find familiar names there, but it meant he lied about not remembering renjun's name. he was there to tease me again, wasn't he?
"a-anyways, donghyuck-ah, let's go to the bar nearby jaemin's place together, yeah? it's been a while." jeno sighed as he looked at my messy hair and un-ironed clothes. i guess it was obvious i wasn't like myself these days. "besides, you do seem like you need to take a break."
i sat silent, wondering if it was a good idea to go with them. it was true, i was tired from all the overthinking, work, and feelings that were starting to bottle up so much...it was rather difficult to keep them in.
maybe...just for that night...i could trash myself however i liked. even though for a long time i have despised it, i've never actually tried to get along with the idea of parties, places, and events such as these.
would releasing everything on this one night be better for me?
"...yeah, i'll go."
i wasn't in my right mind. i spoke faster than my thoughts in my head. was this really a good idea?
"e-eh? d-donghyuck-hyung said yes?" jisung blinked in confusion as he cut through the short silence of surprise. most likely because this was the first time i verbally and explicitly agreed.
"let's hope you don't pass out." jaemin let out a little laugh, infecting the rest to have smiles on their faces.
though, their smiles felt mocking. it was unlike his smile that felt warm and comforting.
"meet us at jaemin's place tonight at 8. if there's alcohol involved, we can just stay over his house."
.
.
.
that night, before i went to jaemin's house, i was busy wondering about a lot of things. one of those things included none other than huang renjun. i questioned why we never spoke nor saw each other after he left that day. because of his absence it has become unclear about how i felt towards him. it was confusing to have him play on my strings, but it wasn't exactly his fault either that i'm this way.
i took my phone out of my pocket, and i ended up staring at the phone number of renjun.
my fingers moved as i typed, 'injunnie, how have you been?' it made me realize how long it has been since i last said that name out loud.
but before sending it, i considered maybe renjun was purposely not seeing me. to bother him when he doesn't want to talk to me felt wrong, so i ended up erasing the message.
"fuck..." i sighed as i hugged my pillow in my arms tighter. it seems that for this one night, it would be best to use it to forget about renjun and everything else. so with a little shadow of doubt in me, i took my black jacket over my shirt and jeans and headed out to jaemin's place.
i mentally prepared myself as i knocked on the door of the minimalist-designed house. then i was greeted by the guys who were about to leave to whatever bar they mentioned as well.
"yah, let's go. do whatever you want there, okay?" jaemin gave a slap on my back after seeing my apparently 'too serious' expression. before finishing his teasing tone, he came closer to my ear and whispered, "and forget about that huang renjun."
for a moment there, i forgot the four were just that good in reading people's emotions and actions. it seems that they knew a part of the reason why i was so tired these days.