Troye
__________________
I look over at Connor who is looking down on the city like it's the prettiest thing that he's ever set his eyes on. It's intriguing watching the way that he is so passionate about the beauty of the world around him. He takes his iPhone out of his pocket and he snaps a picture of the sun setting. It's funny how one little thing can mean the world to someone. Connor loves to find the beauty of the things around him, he loves to look at things from a new perspective and I think that's why Dan and Phil love his work so much. He's so unique but it's in such an amazing way.
"What do you think the world would be like if we didn't have numbers on our wrists controlling our lives?" I ask him and he gives me a side way glance as he makes a face that makes me think that he is thinking. He seems to consider what I've asked for sometime before actually answering me. He lies back in the grass and I follow his example crossing my arms under my head. I look up at the sky as he starts talking to me.
"I think it would make some thing more difficult but it would make other things easier. If you didn't know the exact moment when you were going to meet your soul mate you wouldn't have to worry about when you would meet them because you wouldn't know. At the same time if your wrist doesn't tell you who your soul mate is, how are you suppose to know? What if the person you thought was your soul mate really wasn't? Then you ended up marrying them and your real soul mate was out there looking for you but you would never find them because you married the wrong person. Maybe the world would be a better place if we got to decide but in the end the person your wrist tells you to be with is usually the best person for you to be with."
"I think you would just know that it was your soul mate even if we didn't have the clocks. There is no denying that when we looked into each others eyes for the first time, we both felt something. I don't really know what that something is but I felt something that I've been trying to feel again ever since." Connor rolls over and I prop myself up on my elbow so that I can look into his eyes. He looks so perfect like this, his smooth skin is shinning in the dimming light. He has just the smallest hint of a smile playing on his lips and his eyes are radiating happiness as he looks over at me. I feel something in the pit of my stomach, its a light fluttery feeling, and I start smiling uncontrollably.
"I have work tomorrow. I think we should go home." Oh yeah, Connor gets to go back to his dream job tomorrow while I sit around feeling sorry for myself and hoping that Dan doesn't call me with another assignment. I sit up running a hand through my hair before I stand up, holding a hand out to Connor to help him up. He accepts the gesture and I when my hand touches his I feel something that I don't know how to describe. It feels different now touching him then when I was doing it in front of our friends. Knowing that this is real even if we let go of each other as soon as possible.
The drive to the apartment is quiet except for the soft music coming from the speakers. I can faintly hear Connor humming and I can't help but think that it sounds nice. We don't eat dinner together, making to different things before heading off to our separate rooms. I eat my macaroni and cheese slowly savoring the taste as I watch some stupid romance movie. After a few more movies I decide I should try to sleep. I know that nothing good ever comes from me sleeping but I do need to sleep or Connor will get mad at me. I do care whether or not he's mad at me. I want to get along with him and eventually yes I do want a real relationship with him. I wasn't lying to him when I told him that I have every intention of falling in love with him.
After I lie down to go to sleep I probably am awake for another hour before the torture begins. I don't want him to feel like I'm using him. I don't want to do anything that is going to make him uncomfortable, so when I wake up in a cold sweat with a scream stuck in my throat I don't make my way to Connor's room. I sit with my knees to my chest and my arms curled around my knees. I sit there and think for about three hours before I decide that if I don't go to sleep right now I'm going to end up doing something terrible with myself out of anger at myself for what I've done to so many people.
I shuffle out of my room and I see that Connor's door is opened just like he said it would be. He said that you could come in there, Troye. He said that he cares about you, just go in there and snuggle up so you can sleep peacefully. I take deep breath before I step into Connor's room careful not make any noise so that I don't wake him up. I slide under the blankets in front of him and he stirs under the blanket. He reaches out and pulls me closer to him, I don't resist letting myself settle back into his arms. I relax and just as I am about to fall asleep I feel a set of lips press to the back of my neck. I ignore it thinking that I'm hallucinating in my sleepy state and fall into a sleep that actually brings nice dreams. Things that normal people seem to dream about, dreams that are tame and calm.
I roll over and I am greeted by cold bed sheets that smell like Connor. Oh yeah he has to work today while I get to sit here a do...nothing. All the down time that I have gives me plenty of time to think about all the horrible things I've been forced to do...but today that's not what's on my mind as I lie in Connor's bed.
I'm thinking about how selfish I am for using Connor so that I don't have bad dreams. He doesn't seem to mind at all which is completely weird, the last thing he should be doing is trusting me. He said he cares about me and that he wants to help me in whatever way he can. He's should be so uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed as me but he isn't. Maybe it's because we are soul mates or maybe he's just overly comfortable with most people. Though I don't really think its the latter as I've seen how he interacts with other people and he does not seem overly comfortable with everyone the way he seems to be with me.
It's not really one way either. I feel just as comfortable around him as he seems to be around me, despite knowing that I'm going to get him hurt. I have this sort of feeling that I've never had before where I consistently want to see him or be with or just talk to him. It's like I really need him and I'm honestly so frightened by the thought that I may actually need another human being in my life. Someone that will take care of me and I'll take care of them. Since I got kicked out of my family's house I haven't really fully trusted anyone at all and I don't feel like I ever really needed anyone. Sure I have tons of friends now but none of them really mean enough to me that someone would think of hurting them to get revenge on me. I love my friends but as terrible as it sounds I don't love them that much. Of course I have reasoning behind not letting myself get too close to anyone. I don't want what I do to hurt them so I keep a fair amount of distance.
I should get out of his bed and make myself some breakfast. I get out of the warm blankets and turn around to make his bed. It's the least I can do seeing as I invaded his room last night. I mean I guess it's not really invading when he left the door open for me, but I still feel like I'm invading his privacy. It would be different if the relationship we are pretending to have for our friends was real, but we are faking it to avoid being questioned. I can't wait until it's all real and everything is how it should be. Once I get to quit my job things will be better. I wasn't lying to Connor when I told him that I have every intention of falling in love with him, I do. I'm going to no matter what, he is my soul mate, but I think my words still made him feel something. I don't quite know what but they definitely did something to him.
I walk out of his room and close the door behind me heading straight for the kitchen with out putting any more clothes on. I like walking around in my boxers. By the time I'm done making breakfast I look at the clock and see that it's noon. Wow I slept for a long time didn't I? I must be making up for all the sleepless nights that I have. As I'm cleaning up after I'm done eating I remember something. I can't quite tell if it was a dream or if I was just so sleepy that I thought it was a dream. I could have sworn that I felt Connor kiss the back of my neck last night. It probably doesn't mean anything, it seemed like when he was reaching out for me that he was still asleep. I could ask him about it but even if he remembers he'd probably lie about it.
A few hours later I decide to go for a walk, and as I step into the bright sunlight I wonder what my friends are doing right now. Probably some boring work for the magazine, most of them work for the magazine. That new Dan and Phil article should be out soon. Connor was talking about finishing up the last little touches today so that he could get the pictures sent to the manager as soon as possible. Connor talks about work like it's his favorite thing in the world to do and I can't help but find that so adorable. He has this personality that is like a sun, he shines on everyone around him where ever he goes. He's like a personal little ball of joy and happiness. Connor is much too good for me and I don't know why the fates want us together but I don't think I would want it any other way. I can see that Connor and I are going to be good for each other. We have so many things in common and we balance each other out well.
I end up at my favorite cafe and I sit there for awhile just watching the people around me. It's probably around five when I start walking back to the apartment knowing that Connor will probably be wondering where I am. I walk into the apartment and am greeted by the sound of a movie playing in the living room. I walk into the living room and my chest fills with something that I don't quite understand as I see Connor and Tyler fast asleep on the couch curled up in each other's arms. I walk out of the apartment and make my way to the roof, as I step out of the door onto the roof of our apartment building I realize what the feeling in my chest was.
Jealousy.
________________________
A/N
Hey guys it's Amanda and CONNOR'S BOOK COMES OUT SO FREAKING SOON AND I CAN'T WAIT TO GET IT. Also I hope you enjoyed this chapter it was pretty fun to write. Yeah yeah. If you liked any part of this chapter please:
VOTE COMMENT SHARE FOLLOW
I love you Killers
NEW @'s:
Twitter: FlutteryFranta
Tumblr: FlutteringFranta