"What are you running from?"
He was staring at the ceiling, laying on his back. I studied his features-his dark wavy hair, unruly from our previous activities; his long, straight, strong nose; his rose colored lips. He didn't look at me when I spoke the words, he just blinked and parted his mouth as he sighed.
"Everything." He whispered, "Everyone."
I lifted a hand up and reached it over toward him. I ran my fingertip down from his forehead, along the bridge of his nose, over his lips to his chin. His eyes fluttered shut as I did this, a soft humming sound releasing from his throat. When I got down to his chin, he tilted his head toward me and his eyes opened. All I could see was a gorgeous shade of sea glass green. I let my hand rest on his bare chest, right in the center as he searched my face.
"Why?" I whispered.
"I did something really bad." He whispered with a sigh, "Something I don't talk about with anyone."
I moved my hand up over his chest until it was resting over his heart. It was beating rapidly, as if he were nervous. I rubbed in gentle circles to soothe him, "Your secrets are safe with me."
His eyes flickered down to my lips, "Promise?"
"I promise." I nodded firmly, keeping my eyes locked with his.
"I've been a spoiled, egotistical, drug-addicted brat since I was a teenager." His nostrils flared as he took in a deep breath, "My father is obsessed with image. Everything always had to be perfect with my family, but especially with me. He wants me to take over his business, he wants me to become him-to have a perfect family, a perfect image, a perfect life. My future has always been laid out for me. Every step that I take has been carefully calculated by my father. I can't mess up. I can't let anyone see me as anything other than calm and happy, but I developed a drug problem. Mostly pills... anything that would get me high and feeling numb."
I listened patiently. I didn't want to tell him, but this was nothing I hadn't heard before. A lot of men came here with similar stories, used me as a therapist for the night and then disappeared, never to be seen again. They had all done horrible things and they were all running from something. They generally volunteered the information to me willingly, but he hadn't. I had to ask him.
Everything felt different with him. I didn't know how to explain it and I didn't know why. I wanted to hear what he'd been through. I wanted to hear what made him come here. I wanted to know why he picked me out of everyone that was here. I was intrigued by him, drawn to him-like a moth to a flame that would eventually set it on fire. That was me. A dumb moth, fluttering blindly, getting too close, ready and willing to burst into flames for an ounce of his warmth.
He turned his body toward mine, until our faces were lined up perfectly. He wrapped an arm around my waist and tugged me in close to him, almost like he was scared I'd get up and leave when I heard his secrets. He didn't know that I couldn't move if I tried. I was glued to him. His hand drew lazy patterns against my bare back as he looked over me.
"I'm scared you're going to tense up as soon as I tell you. That you won't want me to touch you anymore when you know the things I've done." He whispered and I frowned at him, shaking my head.
"That won't happen." I said firmly.
I was practically a professional at this point. Someone could waltz into Apartment X, tell me they had deprived fantasies that made their partners leave in disgust and I wouldn't flinch, wouldn't blink. I was numb to everything. Unless he was about to confess to being a serial killer, I didn't think there was anything he could say to me that would make me react. Especially considering I felt more connected to him than I had to the other people I'd been with here.
He averted his gaze, "But it's-"
"Hey." I said again, my voice stern, "Look at me."
His eyes slowly fluttered back up to mine. I reached up and cupped his face in my palm, brushing my thumb across the corner of his mouth.
"It's safe here." I whispered to him, "It's what this place is for. Secrets and safety, away from all the judgment in the world. You can tell me anything you want to tell me. It's not my place to judge you and I'd never make it my place to do so."
He softened. Melted, like butter. His tense form relaxed against me, his eyes going all gentle and watery as they studied my own. He slid his fingers up my back to the ends of my hair and tangled his fingers into them before he continued to talk.
"My addiction got to be really bad. I couldn't do anything without being high. I learned to function under the influence, so I thought that I could do anything I wanted. One night, I was at a party that one of my dad's clients was throwing, and my parents got drunk. I told them... I told them I could drive us home. But I shouldn't have." His fingers tightened in my hair and I could feel him trembling in my arms.
"I swerved into oncoming traffic. Hit another car head on... me and my dad had some broken bones, bruises and cuts, nothing irreparable. But my mum... my mum was dead. She wasn't wearing her belt and was thrown from the car." He swallowed harshly, his eyes going all cloudy.
My heart was pounding. I couldn't imagine the guilt he was feeling, couldn't imagine living with that type of pain. I didn't know what to say or what to do. I didn't think it could get any worse, but he kept talking. And it did.
"I hit a father and son." His bottom lip quivered, his eyes getting so full of tears that I knew he was going to burst open, "The teenage son was driving. He just got his permit and his dad let him drive late at night because there was less traffic, to get practice in. The son... his legs... he was..."
"I've got you. I'm here." I whispered to him, pulling him closer and reaching up to brush my fingers over the back of his neck.
He shut his eyes, but tears fell from them, running down his cheeks. He looked so worn down in that moment, so exhausted from carrying all of the weight of what he did. I didn't know how to lighten his load. I was sure he didn't want me to try. I was sure he just wanted someone to be there.
"He was paralyzed." He choked out, the words spitting from his lips as he broke down into sobs. He fell against me heavily, burying his face into the crook of my head, "I ruined his life. I ruined his fucking life. I killed my mum and I ruined a kid's life and I got away with it. My dad covered it all up, he paid people off, he paid everyone off... I got a slap on the fucking wrist. I don't know how to live with this. I don't know if I... if I want to live with it."
"I know. I know." I murmured to him, still stroking the back of his neck, moving my fingers up and down through his hair. He cried harder, his arms clinging to me, wrapped around me tight.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." He was whispering over and over and over again as he cried. His breath was shallow and hot against my skin as he let it all out on me.
I had no words to comfort him. There was nothing I could say to make him feel less guilty. There was nothing I could say to take away the pain he felt from it. All I could do was offer him this-my body as a soft place to rest, the curve of my neck as a spot to collect all of his salty tears, my fingers a soothing distraction against his tormented mind. All I could do was lay there and let him cry because nobody else had.
Nobody in their right mind would sympathize with a person who has hurt other people. But I am not in my right mind. I am laying in bed with a beautiful boy who doesn't know my name. He is crying in my arms and saying he's sorry over and over and over again. They are not words meant for me and yet I take them and I hold onto them for him.
I hold onto his apologies and his guilt because it doesn't seem as if anyone else wants to hear it and I understand why they don't. But I also understand why he needs to get them off his chest. I carried a lot in my life, I didn't have much space to carry anything else... but I made space to hold these things for him. I wanted to make space for him. Just for him.
"Do you think I'm a horrible person?" He whispered into my neck and the words were so bare and sounded so terrified that I nearly flinched.
"Would it matter if I did?" I whispered back, feeling him start to pull away from me, "What other people think of you is none of your business. Take away the mistake you made that night. Do you think you're a horrible person?"
"I... I don't know. I don't think I've been a good person. I would like to be." He swallowed, frowning, "I don't want to make any more mistakes."
I reached up and wiped his reddened cheeks gently, swiping his tears away with my thumbs. He stared at my face as I did this, waiting patiently for my response.
"Mistakes are a part of life. A part of growth. I believe that you're redeemable." I whispered to him, my eyes flickering up to meet his own, "These tears tell me all I need to know. Guilt lives inside of you. You have to recognize it. You have to try to make amends. And if your attempts are unwanted... you have to accept that. And then you have to forgive yourself."
"Why would I deserve my own forgiveness if he doesn't forgive me?" He asked, shaking his head.
"He doesn't owe you his forgiveness. That's up to him and him alone." I said, lifting my eyebrows sternly to him, "But you do owe him an apology. And you owe it to yourself to feel this guilt and let yourself grow from it."
He tilted his head slightly, nodding at me as I moved my hand around to the back of his neck, rubbing it in soothing circles once again. He was quiet, a contemplative look on his face.
"It would matter." He finally whispered, after being silent for a very long time. My eyebrows rose in question.
"If you thought I was a horrible person, it would matter to me." He said as our eyes locked again, intensely so, "I don't know why, but it would matter."
I softened as I stared at him and his cheeks went slightly red as he put his face back into the crook of my neck. I stroked his hair, realizing I could feel his heart pounding against my own chest as I held him tight. And I realized that his vulnerability made me want to be vulnerable and open as well. I wanted to lay everything on him the way he just laid it on me.
I never felt that at Apartment X. I never wanted to tell anyone I'd been with about my personal life. But here, holding onto this open and honest man, who didn't even know me and thought my opinion of him mattered-I wanted to spill it all.
I had already removed my physical mask for him, which I never did for anyone before. And now I wanted to remove my other mask. The one that hid all of my trauma and my sadness and my demons. The mask I put on every day to pretend like I was okay, like I was doing just fine, like I would survive.
He began to trace the shape of stars against my back.
And I came undone for him.
If I could have stayed in River's guest bedroom with Harry forever, I would have. Tracing stars along the soft skin on his neck as his fingertip swirled around the center of my back in a soothing pattern. I inhaled the scent of him, his natural musk and his warm cologne, the smell of sunshine on his skin, the slight undertones of the whiskey he must have been drinking at his dad's house.
I saw him flinch earlier and knew something happened at his dad's party. It was easy for me to guess what that was. I had so much experience with abuse that the signs stood out to me like flashing neon lights. I knew there was a big reason why Harry was scared to cut contact with his dad and leave his girlfriend. I didn't understand family ties as well as some people did, but I did understand how easy it was to be manipulated by the people you love.
He rocked our bodies slightly as his fingertip moved against my skin. I tilted my head as I focused on what he was doing, realizing quickly that he wasn't just drawing a random pattern against my skin-he was writing something.
My heart took a leap into my throat as I focused on the letters, spelling them out in my head. I pulled back from his embrace, looking up at his face, feeling my body go cold and then hot all at once. I opened my mouth to speak and nothing came out.
His eyebrows furrowed in concern, "Airy..."
"We should go back out." I said quickly, trying to regain my composure, trying to ignore the way my stomach was twisting and turning, "Before they notice. You go first."
Harry studied me, almost like he knew something was up but couldn't place his finger on it. I wondered if he knew the words he was writing against my back or if he was doing it subconsciously in a moment of comfort. I decided it had to be the latter. There was no way he actually... there was no way.
His hand moved up over my arm, toward the side of my neck. I knew he was going to cradle my face in his palm and I knew my weak ass was going to nuzzle my face into it. His fingers just barely grazed my throat when the bedroom door opened.
Harry's hand snapped back so fast that I felt his short nails scratch the surface of my skin. We both turned to look at the door in unison, our bodies shifting further apart from one another as we did.
It was, of course, Finn.
His lips parted slightly as he took the scene before him in. Despite us not being caught doing anything other than standing in front of one another, the way we reacted said it all. The way we pulled apart as if we got caught fucking right there in the room, the tension that was palpable between us. It was obvious that something had happened and that something was going on, but there was no proof of it.
"Am I interrupting something?" Finn asked, his tone sharp.
Harry let out a very long, dramatic sigh as he crossed his arms over his chest. I knew he was about to say something stupid, so I gave him a stern look to put a stop to it.
"Nope. We were just talking." I said immediately, lifting my eyebrows at him, "You looking for me?"
"What were you talking about?" Finn asked curiously.
Harry scoffed, "None of your business."
"You being alone in a room with Belly is my business. Everything about her is my business. Is he bothering you? He's not saying some more stupid shit to you, is he?" Finn turned to look at me.
"Oh my god, no! We were just talking." I groaned, rubbing my temples, "Harry, can you please go back outside?"
He went still, his eyes sliding over to look at me. He didn't say the words, but I could see them screaming at me from just that one look. He was mad that I was asking him to leave instead of sending Finn away, but there was no way I could do that. It would look too suspicious when we already got caught alone together.
"Sure." He said in a tight voice, narrowing his eyes slightly at me, "No problem, Belly."
My heart hammered against my chest at the sound of Finn's very intimate and personal nickname for me coming out of Harry's mouth. He knew that Finn had a claim on that nickname, he knew that nobody else called me that-he just wanted to stir the fucking pot. And god, I wish I didn't like it so much, but I did. I liked how annoyed he was by Finn's presence. I liked how possessive he had gotten over his time with me. I shouldn't be turned on by his jealous ways, but I was.
He gave a sly smile, starting to whistle a happy tune as he brushed past a very shocked looking Finn. I tried desperately to hold back my laughter, but I couldn't.
"Arabella." Finn snapped at me, turning to look at me.
"I'm sorry! It's just funny cause he's such a shithead." I shook my head with another chuckle and reached out to grab Finn's arms, "Come on, Finn. He's just trying to mess with you. Let it go. You wanna go do Jell-O shots?"
I started to drag him out of the room and down the stairs. I saw Harry's back move through the sliding glass door, and watched him reach up for the neckline of his shirt and yank it off his body as he moved outside. I felt my mouth water at the sight of his tanned back, muscles rippling as he moved.
"If he didn't have a girlfriend, I'd think that he's trying to fuck you." Finn said, lifting his eyebrows when I twisted my head to look back at him, feigning shock at that statement.
I forced out a laugh, reaching for the door handle and sliding it open slowly, "Come on. In what world? He's... a Highlander."
Finn grabbed my arm, giving me a gentle tug until I turned around to look at him. He moved his hand up to my shoulder, brushing my hair back, exposing my throat.
"And you're incredible." He said, his eyes going soft, "Why wouldn't he want you?"
"I don't know. You're the expert in that area. Why don't you tell me?" The bitter words came out in a harsh snap and I immediately pressed my lips together afterwards, regretting them, "Shit. I'm sorry. I shouldn't..."
"Because I'm a fucking idiot." He whispered, frowning as he moved in closer to me, "Because I was-"
"Belly! Finn! Shots!!" Dani called out, running over to us holding two Jell-O shots in her hand, a blue and a red.
Finn turned his attention away from me easily, smiling at my little sister as he accepted the shots from her hands. I saw her cheeks go pink as she beamed up at him, reminding me of the flame she still held for him. He passed me the blue cup, turning his body away from Dani's as he held up his own.
"Cheers, darling." He said, tapping his plastic cup against my own.
I saw the way Dani's smile fell when he did this and so I turned to look at her, lifting my cup to her so she could cheers me instead. She gave me a smile, but I could tell it was forced. I saw her eyes flicker between me and Finn as we all shook the Jell-O shots into our mouths.
"Oh god, that's pure vodka." I winced as I swallowed it, catching sight of Harry removing his jeans and revealing tiny yellow swim shorts out of the corner of my eye.
"I need another." I brushed past Dani, away from her and Finn, all of my attention going to watching Harry as he laughed at something River and Buffy were arguing about.
His back underneath the sun was the most gorgeous thing I'd ever seen. He lifted a hand up to run his fingers through his hair and I nearly whimpered at the sight of it. His back muscles flexed as he moved his arm. I never wanted anything more than to be pressed up against him just then. I resented my friends for being near us so that I couldn't. I resented the sun for showering him in such an intoxicating golden glow.
I reached into the cooler that held all the tiny cups of Jell-O that were riddled with vodka. I snagged two of them and straightened out, turning around to look at Harry again as I did. He caught my eye and smirked at me as I shook a shot in his direction, lifting my eyebrows. He held his hands up and I tossed it to him, smiling as he caught it with ease.
He removed the plastic cap, lifting the cup up to his mouth. I watched his tongue run around the rim, loosening the edges of the Jell-O, his eyes on mine the whole time. A throbbing pulse went through my body as I watched his tongue move.
Finn's arms around my waist snapped me out of my daze and I turned my head to look up at him, blinking away the desire I felt for Harry as I met my best friend's eyes. I could feel Harry's jealous eyes on us. I could feel the tension rise in him when Finn touched me.
"Time to swim." He grinned at me, starting to pull me toward the pool.
"Oh no. No, no, no!" I squealed with laughter as he forced me to move closer and closer.
"Belly's gonna do a belly flop!" Finn joked, dragging my body to the edge of the pool, right next to Harry.
"Finn!" I squealed out, dropping my Jell-O shot to the ground.
"Yeah, get your ass in this water!" Buffy shouted, laughing loudly.
"BELLY FLOP!!" River threw his head back and yelled, slapping his hands against the water.
I laughed at all of my friends as I tried to fight Finn off, but I was already on the edge of the pool and one shove against my body had me toppling over into the water. I gasped for breath right before I went under, my bikini top getting all screwed up and my bottoms going straight up my ass from the impact. I swam to the surface, pulling my top into place as I did so.
"You're such a dick!" I laughed out to Finn.
"Splash score is like a 5 out of 10. You can do better." He replied with a bright smile, "Why don't you come back out and try again?"
"Why don't you go fuck yourself?" I joked, leaning back and floating on my back, feeling the sun beat down on my skin.
"Oh darling, I'd much rather-"
Harry shoved Finn into the pool, cutting him off. He stared at me as he did it, just reached out his hand and pushed him as hard as he could. Buffy and River both screamed with laughter as I tried to force my smile back. Harry tilted his head slightly to the side as he shrugged at me before he dove into the water right as Finn came up for air.
"Fuckin' dickhead." He muttered, shaking his wet hair out like a dog. I made a face, wanting to comment back in defense of Harry, but I bit my tongue.
Harry stayed further away from me than everyone else, but I could feel the heat from his eyes for the entire afternoon. I didn't have to worry about the sun when I was burning under his gaze. I kept waiting for him to try and touch me underwater when he got near, but he never did. He kept his distance. He didn't even speak to me that much. He mostly just watched.
He watched all afternoon as Finn flirted with me, as he touched me and played with me like the old days. He watched me talk shop with River and Buffy, discussing new products and the kink convention coming up that I had a booth at. He watched as I continuously checked in on Dani, who was being pouty outside of the pool. She brushed off everyone's attempts to get her into the water, instead pretending to busy herself with her magazines and her phone. I knew she just wanted Finn to get out and come after her, but he was hyper-focused on me today. It was strange to me and I didn't know how to deal with it.
On one hand, I had Finn-the man I'd been in love with for ages, who now seemed to regret telling me that he wasn't in love with me. He was desperate for my attention now and I couldn't help but wonder if it was just because I didn't fall apart when he rejected me. Was he actually regretting turning me away or did he only want me now because I moved on?
On the other hand, I had Harry-I felt the words he traced on my back and they terrified me. They made me want to pull away and run. I didn't want to believe that he actually felt that way about me, I didn't want to be so deep in this with him. I felt like I was glued to a set of tracks as a train came barreling at me. I felt as if I were going to be hit head on and never recover from this.
For most of the afternoon, I sat by the edge of the pool and ate too many Jell-O shots as I watched my friends. By the end of the party, after everyone had swam and ate and drank their hearts out, most of us were wasted and exhausted from the sun. I would have loved to steal Harry away for a nap at home. To curl up in my bed with him, spreading out on fresh, cool sheets with my air conditioning blasting right at our faces. But we had fireworks to watch.
We had a tradition here in the Wasteland. My friends and I always had our Fourth of July party and then followed it up with a walk to the boardwalk for the fireworks. I missed a couple of summers when I was away in New York after Luca and I didn't want to miss another one.
River and Finn walked with their arms around one another, both drunkenly singing the tune of "Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High?" by the Arctic Monkeys. Dani was right on Finn's heels, like his shadow, staring at him as if he were the best thing to ever happen to her. Buffy, who was seemingly the only one of us that could hold her liquor, stayed next to Dani... leaving space for me and Harry to trail in the back.
He was upset with me. I could feel the tension between us as we walked next to one another in silence. I looked up at him to find that he was already staring back at me. I felt so drunk. I couldn't decide if he looked more beautiful in the sun or under the moonlight. I wanted to kiss him. I couldn't stop thinking about him writing the words 'I love you' against my back.
I didn't know that he meant it. I didn't think he could. I decided to pretend that it never happened and maybe I pulled back from him a little bit today. I could feel us both sinking deeper into this affair and it terrified me. I didn't want to get hurt, but I also couldn't manage to stay away from him.
"I don't think you've said a word to me all day." I said softly, unsteady enough on my feet that I bumped into his side as I walked. He reached out and grabbed my arm to ensure I didn't trip and fall, but instead of holding onto me like he normally would, he let go right away.
He averted his eyes, "You've been too busy flirting with Finn to pay any attention to me."
"Really?" I paused my steps, blinking at him, "That's the direction you wanna go in??"
"Am I wrong?" He snapped in a whisper, "You've been all over him. After earlier today, I thought you'd at least do me the decency of not having to witness that bullshit."
I looked to where all of our friends were walking ahead of us, grabbing onto his arm to stop him from moving. I knew I shouldn't do this. I should keep walking. I shouldn't be alone with him when our friends were right there and could notice we were gone at any second. But I was a moth and Harry was a flame and I couldn't keep myself from him.
Buffy was the only one to turn back and look at us when she noticed we had stopped, but all she did was wave her hand to give us the okay and kept walking. I yanked Harry aside, walking down an alley that we were passing.
"You don't get to do this!" I whispered to him harshly as soon as we were alone. I wanted to yell at him but was too nervous our friends would still be able to hear us.
"I don't get to be fucking jealous? How can I not be when I feel the way I do about you?! I can't fucking stand to see his hands on you. Anyone's hands on you. It drives me insane, it makes me..." His voice was a passionate whisper and he cut himself off mid sentence.
He gripped onto my arms and yanked my body to his, kissing me deeply. I melted against him with no hesitation, clinging back to him. I gasped into his mouth, pressing closer to him, moving my hands down over his body. He slid his tongue into my mouth and I knew we both tasted like vodka.
I shoved against his chest to push him away from me, to stop the kiss, even though I didn't want to.
"Do you think you're the only one?? You're all I fucking think about. I want you so bad that it's eating me alive. I hate this, I fucking hate knowing you're with her and not me. You're not the only jealous one here!" I tried to keep my voice down. It shook as I spoke the words.
Harry frowned, his hands sliding up over my arms to grip my shoulders and give me a little shake, "I'm not hers. I'm not hers, I'll never be hers. As long as you and I are on the same fucking planet, I will belong to you and you alone."
My eyebrows stitched together, my eyes going soft as I stared up at him, opening my mouth to reply. He cut me off by dragging my body up against his, kissing me again. I couldn't resist him even if I wanted to. I was too drawn to him, too attached now. I stumbled back as he pressed me up against the hard brick of a building behind us, his hands trailing down over my sides and around my back. His hands grasped my ass in my shorts and I moaned into his mouth at the throb that went through my lower half for him.
"Don't fuck anyone else. Please, please..." He begged me, his words a desperate plea into my mouth, his tongue licking over mine before I could manage to answer him.
I clutched at his shirt, twisting the material in my hands, gasping into his mouth, "Then you can't fuck her. You're mine. You're not hers, you're mine."
Harry vibrated against me when I said those words, his head bobbing up and down in rapid agreement. His hands clawed at me, sliding over every inch of my body, fingers digging into my skin wherever he could.
"I'm yours, I'm yours..."
He always kissed me as if he never would again, like he was scared that one day it would be the last time without either of us ever knowing it. It felt like a doomed sort of romance. I loved those kisses, I loved them so much that I could barely stand it, but I despised them just the same. I hoped that the day would come when we wouldn't need to worry about a last kiss. I hoped he would leave her. I didn't like to let myself imagine that he would, wanting to protect my heart, but the desire was there. I wanted him to be mine fully. I didn't just want his body, I wanted his heart. I wanted to give mine to him.
But I was so, so, so scared.
"Harry..." I gasped out in a whisper, pulling back from our kiss and looking up into his eyes, "I'm almost..."
I trailed off, unable to say the words:
I'm almost in love with you. Almost. Almost. I'm almost there. If you kiss me one more time in this dark alley, it may push me over the edge. If you keep looking at me with those hazy eyes, it may push me over the edge. If you open your mouth and say one more word, almost might turn into definitely.
"You are so beautiful." He whispered, shaking his head as he studied me, "You're so beautiful, fuck, I can't believe you're real."
I blushed and smiled brightly, shaking my head, "You're so drunk right now."
"And you're still beautiful." He leaned down and kissed me again, his lips more gentle than they were before.
He kissed me slower but his hands stayed desperate, clutching at me and pulling me against his body tightly. One of his hands pressed to the back of my head as the other went to my lower back, his finger tracing those same three words against my skin. I tried to tell myself that he was just drunk, that he didn't mean it, even as he kept whispering to me between his passionate kisses: "You're beautiful, you're beautiful, you're beautiful..."
Harry's lips moved down from my own and over my cheek, brushing over my jawline to my neck. A soft moan escaped my lips at the feel of him flicking his tongue over the sweet spot by my ear that always gave me goosebumps. I let out a happy sigh and my eyes fluttered open.
And met the shocked eyes of my little sister, who stood at the edge of the alley, watching me and Harry together.
-insert angel emoji here-
Love you all!!!!!!
xo
Aubs