My eyes fell to the bed.
And then the world stopped. Time froze, and the beeping of the hospital equipment was a background to the chaos of noise, so violently warping in my head as I took in the scene in front of me.
"No.. "
I felt as my knees buckled beneath me, and I heard the swing of the door open behind me.
The feeling of shock coursed through my body. My eyes stayed on the bed as my cheeks started to become wet with tears.
I felt Sarah's arms wrap around my back, and her head fell to the crick in my neck. " I'm so sorry, Savannah," she whispered in my ear.
I felt my body grow limp against hers.
" What happened? " I whispered, the blur of tears consuming my eyes, I burried my face into Sarah's shoulder, desperately wanting comfort.
Suddenly, someone spoke above the white noise, and their voice cracked an almost whisper. " It all happened so fast. " was all that they could utter. My eyes fell on the person. My grandmother.
" What happened? " I asked again a little louder.
" Savannah. He just really declined, and his breathing slowed. I had to call an ambulance this morning. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner. " My grandma spoke, her eyes welling with tears.
" It's been such a hard day." She speaks, trying you can tell to hold back tears.
My eyes returned to the bed. My grandfather there, his eyes closed, a tube down his throat, and an IV in his wrist. " he's not breathing on his own. " My grandma spoke barely above a whisper.
It was as if my world was ending in front of me. All that cycled through my head were the same screaming voices of a child in a candy store.' This isn't fair! This isn't fair! None of this fair! ' it echoed like a broken record in my distorted mind.
" I wasn't there. " I whispered into Sarah's shoulder, my eyes squeezed tight, the tears wouldn't stop no matter the number of times I tried to wipe them away with my sleeves. My hair sticking to my freckled cheeks like glue. " Don't blame yourself, Savannah. " Sarah whispered back, her hand stroking my hair, getting tangled in the curls.
" I know, love. " She whispered, her hands still running through my hair. I felt my body shake in hers, I felt lifeless. I felt a dam of emptions break and release rapids of heavy emotion, and she took all of me all of my emotions and natural disasters. She held them firmly together.
" Look at me," she whispered, and I listened, my eyes falling on hers. She carressed my cheek, wiping away the tears and tucking my hair behind my ear. " You'll get through this. " she whispered softly, kissing my cheek and standing to her height, leaving her hand out for me to grasp, and I did.
" You're not alone. " she whispered, her hand now wrapped in mine. She held on tight, letting me know she wasn't letting go of me.
My eyes fell to his. They were closed. He looked as if he was already gone. His arms looked weak, his face expressionless. " Can he talk? " I asked, wanting to know. " No, but he can listen. " My grandmother returned.
I looked at him with sorrowful eyes, wanting nothing but for everything to be how it used to be. I feel as though I'm lost, searching for someone, anyone that can help. I wanted desperately the sound of the T. V, his quiet snores, the sound of tunes from an era I wasn't born in. Now, I only heard the beep of his heart, letting me know he wasn't gone yet. Still holding on. My eyes tugged, wanting to release more of my sea salt tears.
Someone had told me once that the last thing to go when you're dying is your hearing. Hell, it may have even been him that told me, but I kept that thought in my mind as I got closer to him.
" Talk to him. " My grandma reminded, sensing the hesitation in my movement. taking my other hand in hers, tugging at it to bring me closer to his bed." He can hear you. He is awake. " she reassured me.
Sarah moved away, her eyes staying glued to the floor.
" Hey, pops," I whispered, my voice beginning to break as I let out the words. " It's me, Savannah. Your little chocolate theif, your little half popped popcorn. " I spoke, with a half smile. There was no response, of course.
" I love you. " I whisper, moving my hand to his, squeezing it slightly, I feel as the tears stroll down my face effortlessly, like a natural waterfall on the side of a moutain. " And it's okay if you have to go, we'll be okay. " The last few words break me, I feel as I fall to the floor once again, my hand still in his.
I felt his hand grow tighter in mine, I looked up, and although his eyes were closed, I knew he meant it. I felt a smile cross my lips. " That's right, I'm here. " I respond to his small gesture, and I move until my arms are rested on the bed, the tears still dropping off my chin, but the reasurance that he was still there.
I let go of his hand and softly rubbed the top of it, kissing it and leaving it at his side. I looked to my grandmother, who tried to give me a half smile.
" I know, dear. " She whispered, moving her hand back to his, taking it in hers. Just as he had always wanted it to be. He was always the one to grab hers, so the roles to be reversed only broke my heart more. I felt a hand tug at my side, and I looked to find Sarah, her arms open wide to allow me to fit in the space between. I took them, and she held me close.
She was my rock, my one thing that never really changed, someone who was there for me through it all. And would judge me, but also laugh at my jokes that really just weren't funny.
I felt her embrace grow tighter, her arms warm, her head rested atop of mine. When I finally pulled away, she only gave me a soft smile.
" Just be ready. " my grandmother told me, her eyes welling with tears. I didn't know how to react, I sat still, taking that in. Suddenly, I felt Sarah push me in her direction, and I fell into my grandmother's arms mine wrapping around her, and her one free hand gripping at my back.
I am all that's left for my grandmother. My grandpa though he was the one in need of care and was overall the more positive one. Showed her all of the love that she needed desperately. He balanced her, and now he was leaving her, throwing her off balance, forcing her to reset, relearn how to live. I felt as her grip loosened, and I finally pulled away.
" Thank you. " she whispered to where only I could hear. Embarrassed to speak it too loud, not wanting to be dependent on another. I smile and nod, not pushing the woman further.
I look to my grandfather, and I watch as his lungs slowly deflate and inflate, his breathing growing slower. I watched as he was paralyzed.
I felt my body grow cold, and I looked away, knowing I couldn't see him like that any longer.
I sat on the couch next to the window and peered out of it, wanting to escape reality. I felt as Sarah sat beside me, her hand going over my knee to stop the bouncing. Squeezing it softly. I hadn't even realized I was doing it until she stopped me.
I looked to her, and she gave me a sad smile. One of pity, and that was the last thing that I truly felt I needed. I know this is hard, but her sad smiles only make it worse. I played with the rips in my jeans, pulling at them, er rather her jeans.
" Stop that. " she whispers, taking notice of the white strings slowly being ripped in half. " Sorry, I'm just anxious. " I whisper back, only slightly intuned with my emotions, but enough to realize that I was anxious.
I felt as her arm wrapped around me, only one, and that forced a small smile to play on my lips. I look to my grandmother, who is avoiding our interaction. Envious of the affection she once had. It made me feel slightly bad for showing any to Sarah in her presence. But the smile on her lips almost made me forget.
I wanted desperately to escape in the liquid of her eyes, diving in, getting trapped in the beauty of them. I no longer wanted to think of today, I wanted to pretend that everything was fine.
-
Several hours had passed since we entered this depressing hospital room. I felt Sarah's head on my shoulder. Asleep. Only her quiet mumbles of nothing and the beeps of the hospital equipment filled the room, and the more I thought about them, the louder they got. My grandma had also fallen asleep. Her hand still in his.
I stayed awake, watching the monitors, looking at his vitals, watching to make sure he wasn't gone.
Nurses would come and go, ask questions, try and make sure he was comfortable. That's all they could do.
They asked if he wanted to go home on hospice, just to allow him to pass in his home, but my grandma thought it wasn't worth all of the effort. As long as his family was there, home could be anywhere. Even a hospital room with an IV in his wrist.
I looked to the T. V. That was quietly playing the news. I had always hated the news. It made me aware of every terrible thing going on in the world. Sometimes, I just wanted to escape the terrible things, though I knew my life could be worse, I didn't want to compare mine to others. I had enough problems as is.
I looked back to my grandfather. Though it had only been a couple of hours, I could tell he was declining, he seemed to be at peace, and he seemed ready. His body was stiff, and he looked as though all of his weight was leaving him.
My grandma always kept him fattened up with pastries, so for him to look smaller was shocking. His pop belly was disappearing before my eyes.
The realization hit. What would my grandma do when she baked? She wouldn't have him there to happily fatten up.
She would probably spiral and bake more. Baking for an army.
My grandfather is a veteran. He served for 8 years before coming home after my mother was born. He didn't want my grandmother to raise her on her own. My mom was the oldest, and my aunt was only two years younger than her. This reminded me that she hasn't even come by. Where were they? Kandence hadn't shown either. It started to really piss me off.
I quietly moved from beneath Sarah and laid her head on the couch, moving to my grandmother to quietly wake her up. " How come Kandence and her mom haven't come? " I questioned as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.
" They decided to come tomorrow, Kandence and her mom had work. " My grandma groggily explained, and I immediately felt even more pissed as I stormed out of the hospital room and into a nearby bathroom. I dialed Kandence's number into my phone, bliling with anger as I heard the buzz of my phone awaiting her answer. By the fourth buzz, it connnected. " Where the fuck are you?! " I shouted into the phone when she picked up. I could tell I had woken her by the sound of her voice.
" I had work Savannah, what the fuck? " she stated sensing annoyance from the fact I woke her up. " He's fucking dying and you went to work? I know your well off when it comes to money. You could have skipped on work for an hour to come see him! " I shouted into the phone.
Suddenly I heard sniffles on the other side of the phone. " Are you seriously fucking crying!? " I questioned anger boiling in me.
A soft voice that was clearly broken responded " I'm sorry Sav!! I can't fucking see him. I don't want to see him like that! Okay? It's too hard! " she cried into the phone, breaking. " Yeah? Well you should still show up! Grams needs her fucking family! And you didn't fucking show up?? Wait in the god damn waiting room. Don't not show up! Your being selfish! " I yelled into the phone pulling it from my ear.
" Sav No-! " I hung up. I don't care, she should of showed up. I know it's fucking hard, but not showing is the worst you can do. She never showed up even when he was in good health. None of them did, they didn't come around anymore.
I walked back into the hospital room, and I looked to the bed, and I watched as his eyes opened, the first time since I had been here, I rushed to the bed gripping his other hand.
"Pops?! " I yelled, and I could see the panic in his eyes, he didn't breathe.
" SOMEONE HELP!! " I cried waking Sarah and my grandmother in the process
A nurse rushed into the room, pushing me out of they way, I rushed to the other side of the bed my hand still in his, she pushed on his chest, trying to bring him back, trying to keep him here. I watched as the hope left the nurses eyes, and then eventually I looked back to him. The light had left his.
I looked to the nurse. My eyes wide, and hers finally met mine.
" I'm sorry. "