I tried to forget what happened that night, but I only ended up tossing and turning in my bed.
An uneasy feeling has settled in the pit of my stomach. I don't like the fact that Delilah and Ares talk.
Have conversations – pleasant ones.
And that they've apparently talked about me. What did Delilah say about me?
Is she talking bad about me to him? Giving him more reasons to hate me?
"You good there, Elena?" Vi asks from beside me and nudges me with her elbow. I send her a weak smile and nod.
"I'm okay."
We're about to get into the studio for a radio interview with a famous German radio channel.
And guess who's going to be in the room?
Dopamine is going to have the same interview and they'll be waiting in the studio with us, watching everything firsthand.
Imani leads us into the studio, where we're greeted by the hosts who welcome us. They're very kind and first as us how we're doing, letting us in and situating us at the table.
We're seated at the table, listening to the man on the opposite side say something in German into the microphone and I hear Icarus leave his lips.
I shift in my seat, the microphone in front of my face and the band Dopamine on the other side of the room.
They're all talking to each other in hushed whispers, seemingly relaxed. Ares, as usual, looks like he wants to be anywhere else but here and is on his phone instead.
My eyes are drawn to his lips when his tongue quickly peeks out to wet them, and all I can recall is the way they ghosted over mine when he blew smoke into my mouth.
I avert my gaze and look at the hosts of the radio, who quickly switch to English for us.
They ask us a few questions and then we talk a bit about the album and our world tour.
Frederik, the host, is actually a funny and friendly guy. In his early thirties and fairly attractive – I saw Violet eyeing him as soon as we walked in.
Lukas, his co-host, has also done his best to make us feel at home and I've got to say that I feel pretty relaxed right now. I'm not tensed up and nervous.
Though, what keeps me on edge is Ares sitting on the other side, sometimes lifting his eyes and inspecting us before lowering them again.
"So, Ella," Frederik says and focuses his blue eyes on me. I immediately noticed his eyes, and then I caught myself comparing them to Ares' eyes, which I loathed myself for.
Frederik's aren't as electrifying and deep. They're pale and light, but pretty nonetheless.
Just not what I dream about at night.
Frederik gets me out of my thoughts. "I heard you're the songwriter of the band, right?"
"That's right, yes," I grin.
I don't know how many people are listening to this right now. And while I perform for thousands of people every other night, I can see them and have conversations with them.
"I've got to say that you're quite the talent," Lukas compliments, making me blush.
"That's what we keep telling her, she never believes us," Caleb deadpans, making us all chuckle.
"Thank you," I chuckle, "I try."
"Can you tell us what song was the hardest to write?"
The answer immediately comes to mind. I remember the nights I spent awake, tearing page after page out of my notebook because I wasn't satisfied.
"Melancholy."
I feel a pair of eyes burning holes in the side of my face, but I refuse to look at him.
His attention is on me at the wrong fucking time.
"Beautiful song," Frederik says and twirls around a pen between his fingers, "what made it challenging?"
I let out a quiet breath and think about it for a second. "I think," I begin, "admitting the feelings to myself? Allowing myself to be that vulnerable in writing and sharing them with the world."
"Those are beautiful words, don't worry," he winks, and Lukas adds in, "The world is very grateful that you decided to share."
"And as luck has it," Frederik says with a knowing grin, "I have a few lyrics here with me."
Oh, for fucks sake.
They're going to dissect songs in front of Ares. Just my luck.
My cheeks tint with a blush – because I know the lyrics are about him. A few, at least. Caleb has written a song on the album, and Nick and Vi have helped me out too.
"Let's take the song that started it all, Breathless," Frederik begins.
"A bitter taste is left in my mouth with each step that you take. I'm alone. My lips part and water fill them. Even as I break the surface and gasp for air, I remain breathless."
Hearing the words come out of someone else's mouth feels weird because it felt like a whole storm writing them down and expressing my feelings, and hearing them said so simply without any emotion behind them is unsettling.
"What's the song about, Ella?" Lukas asks.
I pause for a long while, weighing down some answers.
"The song is... uh, about drowning," I answer sheepishly, earning myself some snorts and chuckles.
"It's about feeling out of breath when you're with the person who makes you feel alive. But at the same time, they're killing you slowly," Vi adds.
I feel her soft grip on my hand below the table and I let my shoulders relax in relief.
Giving her hand a squeeze in gratitude, she squeezes right back and runs a circle on the back of my hand.
"Beautifully said," Lukas says, "are any of the songs directed to a certain someone?"
All of them.
All the songs I've written are about my stupid infatuation.
"I think everyone who writes a song, has a certain someone in mind." Nick jumps to my rescue.
"Agreed," Caleb says.
"Do all of you enjoy writing the songs of the band?" Frederik asks. "Not as much as Ella does," Nick answers.
"I do write sometimes, but we leave it to Ella mostly since she's addicted to it," Caleb snorts. "Do you?" Frederik asks and focuses his blue eyes on me.
"I love it, yes," I answer with a grin, "I think there's something... addicting to the freedom that lyrics offer. I can play with the words. The poetic license offers me a lot of escapes and I revel in it."
The conversation goes on about our songs. "What's your favorite song on the album?" Vi asks Frederik.
"Wasted," he answers without hesitation. "Oh, good one," I chuckle. "The whole band actually co-wrote it, along with a friend of ours, Delilah."
As soon as her name leaves my lips, I grow self-conscious again and exhale softly, remembering her dear... friend is sitting here with us.
When she was doing our makeup in the dressing room today, she kept on sneaking glances at Ares while working on my face.
"I really like Dans La Nuit and Rêveuse," Lukas says.
"Vi helped me with Dans La Nuit," I tell them and she chuckles beside me. "She was so tired, she was scribbling down a few random words," she continues.
It was a cold night and all I wanted to do was close my eyes, but the need to finish the song kept me awake – somewhat.
"You even brought me coffee in the room and stayed up together. Vi was playing the guitar and stringing a few sentences together. I had a lot of fun that night," I smile, feeling happy at the memory of us sitting in my room.
"Me too," she laughs. "We wrote a few other songs together that we might perform live," she teases, gaining the interest of the interviewers.
From then on, the interview goes quickly, and then it's time for Dopamine to take our places. There's a music break and we get up from the table.
Something tells me to stay. To watch the interview as they did with us and listen to whatever Ares has to say.
But would he do the same? Would he be interested to know what I'd possibly give away during an interview?
Not willingly.
That's why I shake my head and exit the studio because he doesn't deserve my presence. He doesn't deserve to think that I'm curious, even though I am.
I'll listen to the interview later though – damn him.
"Want to go out and drink something?" Violet asks as she and the others are headed towards the bar of the hotel.
"I'm going to skip, thank you though," I grin, "gotta check in on my family."
And that's what I do as soon as I enter my hotel room. I call Nicholas, who picks up after a few seconds.
"Here's my favorite singer," he greets me and I can't help but smile. Even though he annoys me quite a lot and knows just how to spite me, I still love him.
I didn't think I'd miss my family this much, but I do.
"Hey Nico," I giggle, "how are you?"
We catch up with each other and he bombards me with questions about the tour, the people I met, and how the crowds are.
"Can't wait to see you live, sis," he tells me, "I'd fly out to see you wherever you are right now, but I'm too busy."
"It's okay, Nicholas," I assure him, "how are Aurora and Riccardo?"
"Disgustingly close and in love," he snorts, "They can't keep it down to save their lives."
"Hey, she found the love of her life, let her be," I scold, "one day, it's going to be you."
"Good one," he chuckles.
"Just wait," I tell him with narrowed eyes, even though he can't see me. "One day, you'll know what it feels like to be stricken and obsessed with someone."
"If it's whatever Riccardo and Aurora have, I don't want it. Riccardo doesn't have any shame when it comes to his wife."
I do want it. Whatever my sister and her husband have.
The passionate love and tension – I want it all. To be consumed by love and knowing that your partner loves you as much.
"Sad day to be you," I murmur and stare at the ceiling.
"Speaking of, I just had an interesting conversation with Riccardo," he trails off.
I raise my eyebrows. "Oh? Tell me more."
"You don't want to know," he replies dryly, "but uh... it opened my eyes a little more. Gonna try something out."
"Hope you'll like it, then," I snort.
"The purpose isn't for me. It's going to hurt in the beginning, actually," he says.
My frown deepens. "You're confusing as fuck, Nico."
"Anyway, I've got to go, sis. Talk to you later and you better rock all those concerts."
"Will do," I smile and then we both say goodbye.
I call my sister next, and while the phone is ringing I wonder why I didn't have a video call with my sister and brother at the same time.
Aurora picks up quickly and her voice sounds gentle and sweet when she greets me.
"Hey Elena, I've been wondering how you are," she says and a soft smile touches my face.
I miss her dearly.
"I'm good, everything is keeping my head busy so that's why I don't really call a lot. How are you?"
"I'm perfect. The kids are still asleep, it's early in the morning here," she says. "Riccardo is making breakfast and I'm just being a lazy woman today."
"You deserve a day off," I grin. "Having brains and looks must be exhausting."
"Way too exhausting," she sighs dramatically.
"Glad I can't relate if you're this tired."
"Hey!" she scolds and I wince at her tone. "You don't talk about yourself like that. You're so beautiful, you're a sight for sore eyes, Elena."
I turn my head and meet my reflection in the mirror.
I know I'm not ugly. But I'm not what she describes me to be, either.
I'm average.
Bland.
Closing my head, I force back the tears and will away Ares' voice from my head. He will not get to tell me what I am and what I'm not.
"Thank you, Rory."
"It just sucks that you can't see what I see. What we all say," she says softly.
"You look so much like mom, I used to be jealous of it. You have a natural and innocent beauty to you, it's mesmerizing to see. Use it to your advantage."
I wish I knew how.
And I've heard people compare me to my sister and mom.
Aurora has a beauty that shuts you up. It stuns you into silence. I've seen people halt in what they were doing at the mere sight of her.
It captivates you.
My mother's beauty is enhanced. She looks like a goddess and is charming.
And when people usually address me, they say that I look softer than both of them.
Not mesmerizing, nor stunning.
Pretty.
Can't have it all, Elena.
The words usually fly in one ear and out of the other.
While I'm grateful for the words, I still cry and am filled with self-doubt.
"You're sweet, Rory. You are, thank you," is all I say in a soft voice. We talk for a bit more and then my mom joins the conversation.
We switch to a video call and a smile automatically comes on my face at seeing my family. Dad appears on the screen with mom too and then he goes on a rant about how much he misses me.
"Is everything okay, Elena?" mom asks me, her eyes inspecting me.
I worry my bottom lip for a few seconds and send her a little smile hoping that it's convincing enough.
But I know who I'm trying to fool, and she can't be fooled. She'd be onto me in seconds if she ever saw me together with Ares.
I've seen her read people like that. I've seen her find out about Aurora and Riccardo like that.
Being the quiet one that observes comes with its perks.
"I'm fine mom, don't worry," I assure her, but her frown only deepens and she has a knowing look in her eyes.
And I know that in a matter of seconds, she'll be able to pull out whatever is happening with me. Using her own ways.
So instead, I cut the conversation short and steer it away from me, to Aurora's children.
We call for another hour or so and then hang up so I can go to sleep.
Changing into my pajamas and doing my nightly routine, I get back in bed and close my eyes.
The next day, the first thing I do, as usual, is taking my phone and check my emails and messages.
I notice a lot of notifications on Twitter and feel my stomach drop. With a little hesitation, I go on the app and see that I'm tagged in thousands of tweets and pictures.
Pictures of me hugging and being close with Frederik, there's even a video of us hugging and talking to each other.
The video was taken at the entrance of the building yesterday, right when we were about to head inside.
Thing is, Frederik hugged Violet, Caleb, and Nick, too.
God, why does the internet have such an obsession with whom I date or get intimate with? Why do they take every single person I associate myself with to dissect the situation and take it out of context?
The captions don't make me feel better.
It's always the quiet ones...
Hopping from one celebrity to the other
They seem too friendly with each other or is it just me who sees it?
I want to scream at each one of them. Tell them off and to leave me alone.
But these things are what trigger my anxiety and panic attacks. If I reply, it'll only get worse.
That's what I need to keep in mind.
I don't care about their opinion.
But I do care about the opinion of someone else, don't I?
About someone who's not worth any of my attention, yet I still crave his attention.
. . .
I feel for Elena.
Writing heartbreak though>>>
GUYS OMG OMG
So this week I went to the bank to get something done but the ATM was acting up.
MIND YOU, I didn't put ANY effort into my appearance. Like AT ALL??
I don't know why my ass decided that but a bitch was lazy and I wanted to get it over with, thinking it was gonna be quick.
So as I said, the ATM was acting up, and right when I was about to try again, THIS FINE PIECE OF MAN WALKS OUT OF THE OFFICE OF THE BANK INTO THE ROOM?
I WAS SPEECHLESS WHEN I SAW HIM LORD OMG HE WAS SO HOT AND FOR WHAT?
When I tell you, that he was A WATTPAD MAN BROUGHT INTO REAL LIFE BRUH I KID YOU NOT THIS MAN WAS HOT.
He had this classiness that Vincenzo and Riccardo both have with his fucking dress shirt that sat around his shoulders so perfectly and for what??
Anyway, we looked at each other and I felt my breathing hitch sksksks I'm so dramatic but anyway I asked him if he worked there and he said yes, so I asked if he could help me and he told me he'd be there in a minute cuz he needed to help someone else.
I told him to take his time and I was just waiting and looking around cuz what else could I do??
ANYWAY, HE KEPT ON GLANCING OVER TOWARDS ME AND TOLD ME MULTIPLE TIMES THAT HE'D BE WITH ME SKSKKS LIKE SIR TAKE ALL THE FUCKING TIME YOU NEED DADDY.
CUZ HE WAS ONE. A DADDY. FUCKING HELL.
So when he came over towards me my ass blushed and grew nervous cuz daddy was looking at my side profile and I have trouble with eye contact ok?? So eye contact with him was intense aight and then he led me into the office, my ass was growing hot all over my body.
So another co-worker of his helped me bc I had to get in line to get help but he was watching and when it was time for me to leave I was crying inside.
Moving on, I hope he got a good look at my ass when I was walking out.
Thing is, later on in the day I had to go out and I put effort into how I looked bc I looked GOOD fam even if I say so myself.
But I'm proud sksksks anyway the one who mattered got to see my good looks that day but it's still a shame that daddy from the bank couldn't see me like that smh.
Thank you for reading my rant.
Been a while.
I also watched the movie Fresh and I'm still speechless. Why is Sebastian Stan so good at playing psychopaths?
I started the show, Moon Knight, too.
We must protect Steven Grant at all costs.
Oscar Isaac has been faking the British accent which broke my heart cuz I found it so cute and he's so hot for what??
Thank you for reading all my bullshit and the chapter.
Hope you enjoyed it.
I love you.