( CHAPTER SEVEN && MORAL OF THE STORY )
❝ caught up in a cruel fate ❞
—
A HORRIBLE SENSE of deja vu hit Diluc Ragnvindr that moment he watched his fiancé descend towards the rapids below. It was the very same sensation of when his father had breathed his final breath laying in his arms— and that terrified him at the prospect of what would be your fate. Human instinct is awfully right at times and though he tried to push down those lapses of panic; he knew this wouldn't end well. Perhaps that was why he started running before he could even realize that he had begun chasing after his fiancé.
It's terribly ironic; that all this time you were chasing after him and at this moment— he was the one chasing after you.
Caught up in a winded labyrinthine game of love, coming-of-age, and loss; Diluc lost sight of those closest to him in a blaze of vengeance. He grew nihilistic, this embittered taste of ash lingered as he sought the truth in the darkness. Even still, he radiated like a dying star— the cataclysm of brilliant colors unparalleled in beauty. It's in this serendipitous condition, Diluc Ragnvindr was reborn like a phoenix. Shedding away the feathers of the past as he looked to the future; in a sense, he lost a part of himself. He lost what it means to love another. The vows to cherish and protect, till death do you two parts.
Love is often all too fickle for mortals to take apart. Such devotion often warrants greater purpose and desire yet that very same devotion could be twisted against the master. When that devotion turns to obsession— one drowns in thought, in theory. Hypothetically, the act of loving another encompassed something beyond simple attraction. Physical aesthetic, shared emotions, aligning views— all such creates perspective.
But what happens when one's own perspective is so skewed with personal affect?
Perspective becomes ideology and then belief. One does everything to uphold this belief, to worship it with their entire being. Skewed as it may be, an individual truly believes anything is possible within their grasp. That is mortal flaw. To change the impossible into possibility; to create opportunity when it amounts to nothing in the end. Sacrifice is always needed; the law of equivalent exchange. Much like love itself— one needs to give their lives for the other and vice versa.
So when a perspective of love twists into one that no longer exists in the world— such application could no longer be attributed. Your affections for Diluc stemmed from one of childhood naïveté and his fading affection resulted from the death of his past self. Disproportionate perspectives that refuse to be aligned causes rifts. Expectations aren't met and sacrifices are made to relieve one's own self of that pressure.
In the end, the realization was all too late for a fragile mind. All one needed was a single push to spiral— one action.
When Diluc plunged into the water, his entire body froze as the icy depths seeped into his skin. Even still, he persisted— swimming after your sinking body, dipping closer towards the abyssal darkness. Apprehension shot through his veins as he swam towards you, arms pulling through the currents as he reached out in desperation to grab hold of you.
Emerald silk rippled like a weaved veneer, gently overlaying upon your body as the fabric soaked in the water. It consumed your body in whole; capturing the anatomy of skin in a blanket of weighed silk. A serene beauty in the leap of suicide as the waters filled the lungs; consumed by an untold void.
Midst this occurrence, you began to fade out of consciousness as the world came to a standstill before it went dark entirely.
Basking in the absence of the sun, the water kept the lowly insect safe. Even when their wings had melted, comfort could be found in the lagoon. Perhaps it was there that the insect was reborn, the metamorphosis. Rising from the depths with the beckoning of the light, something changed in the psyche of its mind. To protect, to survive— to forge itself against the discord of the world, its fragile mind blocked out the worst of its latent thoughts to attempt again at miserable life.
KAEYA ALBERICH UNDERSTOOD what it was like to be so isolated and devoid of happiness. To be someone who shouldered the greatest of burdens of a family who seemed ever so distant. To feel as though no one in the world loved you in turn; to shred even the slightest bit of sympathy for you. But of course, it is a flawed thought if one was to believe that no one cared. It's because the darkness overcasted the light; clouds obscured the once brilliant sun. One is unable to do anything when they feel trapped by the demons of their own minds.
He only realized this too late.
Kaeya Alberich believed himself to be excellent at reading others. As a matter of fact, he prided himself in being able to read others with great precision. However, there were two exceptions to this fact. How horribly ironic that the two individuals who were the exceptions happened to be the two people he grew up with. One would think that perhaps, that wouldn't be the case yet... he wondered to himself; what exactly happened?
He knew that you weren't happy but never thought to ask beyond that. It never occurred to him that beyond your feigned smiles, you were hurting to such an extent— or perhaps, that was the enigma of it all. The fickleness of the human condition; the inability to see past the torture of another due to one's own burdens. Would it be too much to shoulder? To carry such weight? Or perhaps, he was afraid to ask those questions— afraid of his own inevitability to fall.
But what he witnessed that stormy day, it changed him. He felt as though a piece of him died the moment he saw your body sink beneath the crashing waves of the waterfall. The sound of which drowned out everything else as he turned his gaze ever so slightly to see Diluc dive after you.
Kaeya Alberich froze for just a second before he turned on his heels to sprint breathlessly to the shoreline. He watched as Diluc resurfaced for just a moment before dipping beneath the waves. He felt frigid as he watched Diluc struggle to swim with you in arms. You were unconscious, unmoving but what made his heart drop to the pits of his stomach was the sight of sanguine blood flowing from your forehead. When Diluc had managed to pull you ashore, Kaeya stood stunned. There was no one who could fault him for coping with this situation. Diluc was just the same, stunned with silence.
The rest of the evening was a blur; spurred with emotions, arguments, and tears from Jean and Barbara. Both remained by your unconscious side as they attempted to fix the broken. Diluc had moved you to his room within the estate and waited until morning came for the healers to arrive in order to assess your condition. They prayed to the winds for a miracle, that you would wake from your reveries... Alas, no such miracle did happen as days went by, you had not regained consciousness. Even with Mondtsadt's best healers by your side, they could only rely upon prayers for the gods to rouse you from your deep slumber.
Diluc blamed himself as being the causation of your attempt.
Kaeya blamed himself for not being there for you when he should've been.
Jean blamed herself for not realizing she was unintentionally hurting you.
Barbara blamed herself for not helping you when you needed it most.
Such blame could not be placed on any one person. In that absurdism, no one could be faulted. That was the paradox of suicidal guilt when involved, whether indirectly or directly. It's when the multitude of layers that has been built within an individual suddenly comes crumbling apart with the rippling of one event— the episode that begins the spiral downward. Yet, one feels guilty in having been even slightly involved. They live with the understanding that their actions could've been the one to cause the attempt. That they could've been the one to be the root cause.
No, cruelty of the psyche is something that can't necessarily be pinpointed by one singular cause. Perhaps biological, perhaps environmental. No one was certain... but what was certain was that you were alive. Even if you were barely clinging onto life, you were alive.
Kaeya had been drinking heavily since that day, visiting all the bars in Mondstadt as he tried to forget the way you looked at him. The broken stare, the lopsided smile that failed to convince him, the way your eyes slowly lost its sparkle with every second— the rain poured down upon your figure, drenching your dress. Mud pooled at your feet as you dragged, pulling away from him and Diluc that night. The horror and shock that rippled through him like a knife thrusted into his chest. Gods... He wished he could've helped you.
Jean and Barbara switched places, one coming and going so that at least one of them was watching over you. They still held onto faith that their oldest sister would return to them; that you would wake from your slumber. And although it wasn't necessarily Jean's fault by any means, she felt blameworthy nevertheless. Verbal apologies often escaped her lips as prayers. The muttering mantra of asking forgiveness echoed the room, reverberating off the walls in blame.
As for Diluc, he perhaps felt the worst of them all.
In the days following that stormy night, Diluc found himself standing before the door to his bedroom, his gloved fingers grazing over the handle. Inside, he heard Jean's worn voice— speaking to whom he presumed was you as silence followed her words of spilled guilt.
" —I'm sorry... I-I'm sorry..."
Diluc found himself unable to muster the courage to enter his room. In fact, he hasn't entered since that night. More often than not, he was in his study where he spent hours spiraling in thought by the fireplace. Grief and guilt are common friends of Diluc Ragnvindr; all too used to the dreadful sensation that follows the act of death. Though in this case, you were still miraculously alive— hanging on by a thread. Even so, the act itself is traumatizing even if one has been exposed.
When Master Crepus had died by his own hands, Diluc found himself capable of masterful cruelty and death. To dissect the very essence of one's own life in order to bring on their demise. Sorrow blended with guilt, this nova of cacophony that brought about the end of human life. He never thought he would be the cause of another. Let alone bring about his own father's death.
Hellfire damned his soul for his sins, the fires of passion turned cold with revenge. Diluc surrounded himself with the frigid flames of vengeance, losing himself in the ash and smoke. The mirrors blurred to reflect a man hollow of his former self, blackened soul deprived of innocence. He tainted everything he touched, spreading along the inferno of damnation as he spurred on his reign. Burning as brilliant as the summer sun, the light of his own ambitions blinded him to reality and to the people around him.
Contrasting the moments following his father's passing to your attempt on your own life— Diluc felt immense guilt especially in your case. Whether or not he was the true causation of this incident, he knew that it accumulated onto you like the cascade of a waterfall— drowning you beneath delusions and immense pressure.
He occupied himself with work. That was how he best coped with grief— through distracting himself from the reality of problems until he is confronted. A few days after the incident, Diluc would be confronted by Kaeya.
"What do you have to say for yourself?"
Diluc was silent, he truly didn't have much to say. The only things he wished to say were for your ears alone, not anyone else.
"This could've all been prevented had you—" Kaeya stopped, he realized it was pointless to argue with Diluc. He already knew, yet even still, the Cavalry Captain felt like if something had been done, something Diluc would have prevented— you would not have jumped that day.
Kaeya sighed, shaking his head. "At the very least... Apologize..."
Both knew that there was no point yet, it was all they could offer.
"What good would my apology be for...? It doesn't fix anything... Nor will it reverse what's been done..." Diluc began quietly, slumped against a chair as he massaged his temple to relieve himself of the throbbing headache.
"Would she even forgive me for such a thing?"
Psychosis is a truly horrific thing; being unable to discern the realities of your own thoughts. To drown in such agony; your lungs fill with black water as you submerge under. The picking at daisy petals all to ask one simple question:
Does he love me or not?
Expectations weighed at both ends of the scale; unrealistic expectations that could not be entirely possible. You wanted him, a man who had removed the capacity to love, to return your affections. While he yearned for freedom of obligations— to better cope with loss and better understand himself. Maturity caught the better of the two of you. One naïve whilst the other, too mature. Both clung to something that no longer existed.
"Go see her for yourself." Kaeya finished, his tone was still hostile. Of course he was angry at Diluc, you meant everything to him. You understood him despite nothing ever being said— despite the knowledge of his true objective never being said aloud. You cared a bit too much about everyone around.
"I don't deserve to see her." Diluc shook his head. He didn't see himself as worthy of your love; not a man like him deserved such devotion.
"She would like to see you..." Kaeya had turned on his heels, preparing to leave before he muttered one last thing to Diluc. His voice was unusually soft, barely above a whisper. "For my sake... at the very least. Take care of her..."
Diluc looked up, watching as Kaeya left the room. Guilt flooded him all over again though he knew Kaeya meant well. The two of them have always had a rocky relationship since the death of Master Crepus. Even so, he cared to an extent and when it came to you— you certainly meant more to him than others.
Diluc heeded Kaeya's words and reluctantly left his study. His heels clicked against the wood as he made it to his bedroom where you had been residing in. The entire mansion was quiet; eerily so in the moonlight that filtered through the windows downstairs. Diluc's hand resting on the doorknob, hesitating as he thought to himself whether or not it was wise of him to enter the room. He released the knob, taking a step back to breath a heavy sigh.
He has never been the apologetic type. More rather, he's awkward when it comes to heartfelt apologies in such a manner. But in your case, he couldn't find the words to say to you— apologize for causing you to jump? Apologize for neglecting your feelings? All would feel too insincere to put into proper words.
At times, he knew he was unworthy of your love and devotion. Such was the fantasy of loving you in return, it created the delusion that the two of you were still enraptured by one another when in reality, Diluc has lost that aspect of himself. The innocent love you have for him was quickly diluted into shallow thinking. Died that very day his father passed in his arms.
Diluc stood in front of the imposing door, staring down at the doorknob that divided the two of you. The likeness of said door made him awfully aware of the circumstances.
Thus he wondered to himself one last time:
Was he worthy of your forgiveness? Of your love?
Such devotion that rivaled everything else?
Eclipsing what it means to lose himself to vengeance?
The answer could only come if he saw you again. That much, Diluc was aware of.
His hand rested firmly upon the doorknob, grasping around it as he whispered a soft prayer. It was entirely unlike him yet if there was any wish in the world, any chance in the world to see you again— he would take it.
He twisted the knob, pushing open the door.
Silver moonlight spilled from translucent glass, shedding light upon the shadows of his bedroom. The pale silvery luminescence was barely enough to reveal that neither Jean nor Barbara was there by your side— likely having to return to their individual duties.
But instead, the soft glow revealed a sitting figure.
You stared out the glass with a cloud of nostalgia in your eyes. The illumination of the moon made you look ethereal in the white gown; a sleeping maiden woke from her slumber. Your gaze flickered to the doorway upon hearing the sound of something opening.
"(y/n)...?"
Diluc rushed to your side, his chest heaving as he felt an overwhelming sense of relief spill over him. Joyous feelings thrummed at his chest as he smiled at you. Yet, you shared none of his delights, staring at him blankly as if...
"I'm... sorry...?"
Diluc was perplexed. Why were you the one apologizing to him? No... It wasn't in response to his appearance nor his former actions— it was a genuine reaction.
"Are you feeling... alright?" He was hesitant, holding your hand gently. His weight caused the bed to dip as he moved closer to you. Almost immediately, you pushed away from him. The distance gained between the two of you— he noticed.
"I..." You brought a hand to your head, a throbbing at the back of your mind caused you to wince. You forced your eyes closed for a moment to think through the fog of thoughts; nothing. Everything was blurry to a fault and the more you thought— the louder the ringing became in your ears. It almost became unbearable.
"Don't exert yourself." Diluc told you, propping you against the fluffed pillows to rest. "I won't leave you... I'm right here..."
His words were supposed to bring you comfort but only further confusion set in. You turned to look at him— observing his scarlet features; the fiery crimson hair and matching colored-eyes. All you could muster was the thought that he looked...
"... What's your name... sir?"
The 'sir' rolled off your tongue awkwardly. It felt heavy, as if it wasn't the right address.
And his reaction confirmed your suspicion.
"(y/n)...?" He repeated the name from earlier, you presumed it to be yours. A face of confusion gazed back at you with worry in his crimson eyes. You couldn't help but feel unsettled; perhaps because the man sitting so closely next to you was entirely foreign.
"I..." You hesitated, unsure of what to say. "I'm sorry... I..."
You brought a hand to your head as the ringing intensified. A sharp gasp escaped your lips, a hiss at the pain of your headache. Waves of nausea crashed upon you, pulling you under a veil of darkness as you began to black out again. The man sitting beside you called out the same name again before your vision went dark entirely once more.
Consumed by shadows, latent dreams laid in wait until the remnants of the past resurfaced. Alas, the mist of unyielding protection rejected such attempts.
Thus one ask themself; if they would ever regain what has been lost to darkness? Or has their soul been consumed before more damage could be instilled upon them?
Such is the mind, enveloping layers of silken splendor and lies to protect what has been hurt. Beneath it all, a scared insect laid still— afraid of the world that has betrayed it. It retreated from the light, in a darkness not even the sunlight could reach. Waves crashed overhead; this primordial return to the beginning...
Perhaps safety can be found where memories are discarded for good.
—
END OF CHAPTER SEVEN
author's note.
originally, i intended to finish the fic on the last chapter but decided that diluc deserves some closure. obviously, this wasn't the closure he had anticipated.
and yes, i know the pacing is a bit off with this chapter (especially towards the end) but i intended this book to be rather short in comparison to other works.
thus i apologize for the awkwardness here. i'll likely clean this up in a future edit as right now, this chapter has sorta drained a lot out of me. writing constantly self-depreciating things does take a bit of a toll.
this update is a part of my wattpad anniversary update extravaganza :) happy 9 years of writing for me woohoo!
but anyhow! i hope you have enjoyed this chapter nevertheless :) please stay tuned for the next chapter! until next time, dear readers and friends.