4 Years Ago
I should feel sad. I should feel angry.
But, I'm confused.
What is happening to the five of us? Ever since we split into our own subjects last year, we've just began to drift. Not from each other, I'm still close to all of them but somehow; they aren't close to each other.
If I hang out with Jisoo or Rosé, Jennie or Lisa would get mad. And it's the other way around if I hang out with Jennie or Lisa. It's honestly pissing me off. And the funnier thing is, this isn't the first time I'm feeling this way. I clearly remember a time a few years ago, feeling the exact same thing. It's almost like déjà vu.
I've been feeling a little distant lately with my friends. Or maybe I'm just being a little paranoid.
It seems as though I'm always the one that creates an issue and we get into arguments because of me; even though I don't do anything wrong. I simply exist but things still manage to be my fault.
It's confusing, really. If it's not Jisoo and Rosé who are mad at me, then it's Jennie and Lisa. It's like we have parted into three separate groups. Jennie and Lisa are group one, Jisoo and Rosé are group two and then there is me; all alone in group three.
It's not that we don't all hang out together but whenever we do, something is always the issue regarding me. It seems as though entering grade 4 has made Jisoo much more closer to Rosé while Jennie has gotten a lot closer with Lisa.
And then there is all of them who are growing closer to me, but that's the issue. Whenever someone gets too close, one of them gets mad. I haven't spoken up about this though because I'm sure I'm just being paranoid.
" Did you do your homework Jisoo?" I ask, hoping she did. Me, Jisoo and Rosé walk along the school hallways when trying to find our classroom since our usual one is under renovation.
" I did. Don't tell me you didn't y/n." She gives me an almost warning look but I let out a small giggle at her attempting to scare me.
" I was tired so I slept early, can I please copy yours?" I ask, showing my famous eyes to her and she sighs agreeing. She stops in her steps and puts her bag on the floor, taking her homework paper out and giving it to me.
" Don't ask for it again y/n. You know you should be doing your homework on time." She says as she zips up her bag, slinging it over her shoulders once more. I nod in reply and mumble a small apology and thank you towards her.
I see Jennie and Lisa up ahead so I wave towards them, I keep waving until they notice me and once they do, they smile. But that smile is quickly replaced by a frown when they glance at Jisoo and Rosé.
Not again.
" Please don't be mad." I tell Jisoo and Rosé who are next to me. They furrow their eyes at my response before a look of annoyance is plastered across their faces.
" It's them, not us." And before I have time to respond, Jennie and Lisa are already in-front of us with their arms crossed.
" Can you all stop being mad?" I plead almost, I hated this short phase they were going through. At my pleading tone, Jennie sighs and nods her head. None of them say a word to each other before we go inside and take our usual seats in the classroom.
I just hope they stay normal, as they were before.
I don't want us to grow distant from each other. We made a pact when we were younger that we'd always stay by each other's side and remain friends. I don't want us to break that pact, I don't know how much I'd break apart if we were ever to split up.
I love them.
We promised never to leave each other and I want to keep that promise. No matter what the price may be. I've come to realise it's one of my biggest fears to lose them. I can't ever living a happy life without them. They are basically my whole world.
And I as I say this, I look towards my left where Jisoo and Rosé are sitting and see them already looking at me, giving me a warm smile which I return. I look towards my right next and see Jennie and Lisa, both of them staring back at me too with a warm smile.
It feels weird to be in the middle. Or to think our small group is seperating.
I don't like it.
Not one bit.
I wish things were that easy now, just tell them to stop and they would. But they don't. And trust me, I argue with them; I talk to them, but it's like I'm talking to a wall each time I bring up the topic. I asked my parents what I should do and they just tell me that school is probably stressing them, but they don't understand. They don't know them like I do. I know for a fact that things would not have been like this if our subjects weren't different from each other.
But then again, I'm not sure since they did the same thing a couple years ago as kids.
It's funny how promises and pacts are made to trust one another, yet it's probably the thing that gets broken the most. Each promise that is broken is another shatter of my heart falling to the ground. We aren't the same anymore. And I understand that.
We are growing up and becoming our own individuals.
But it doesn't mean it hurts any less that our group is seperating into three, or two. I'm not even sure. It's like they are playing tug of war and I'm the rope. They keep pulling me towards both sides except they are equally strong and I'm not breaking that easily.
I just want things to be how they were before.
When we were all one.
Present
They kidnapped me. They hurt me. They hurt the people I loved. They basically raped me.
I can't. No. They can't be dead.
I try telling myself that they deserved it and to rot in hell like I hoped they would when I was with them. But now that Jennie tells me they are dead, I'm not sure if I feel glad about it. It's like a part of me breaks and I let out the most heart broken scream ever.
I can't believe it. I wanted them dead, yes. But now that they are, my brain can't help it. They are horrible people but they were also the same people I grew up with. My childhood friends. I sob loudly and once again attempt to get up but a hand on my stomach from Lisa prevents me to do so. My glassy eyes blur my vision so I screw my eyes shut. From the moment everything started going downhill, I only wished that this was a dream; but now I tell myself it's time to start accepting reality.
I'm in the hands of psychopaths and there is nothing I can possibly do to escape from them.
I will never find happiness. I will never be free. I will never be able to sit somewhere and say I am home. I want to cry, I want to scream more but my mouth opens and no sound comes out of it.
I'm truly breaking. I'm tearing apart yet I can't express it. I don't know how to. I start panting, not being able to get my breathing on a steady pace. My hands begin trembling and I find myself grasping the couch like I'm underwater and trying to float back to land. I am suffering. I am dying. I'm hyperventilating.
" She's-"
" Hey, breathe. Y/n, breathe." The noises of the two figures are fainting away. My ears can't understand what they are saying clearly. I feel the blood stopping as it doesn't reach my knuckles from how tightly I grasp the couch. That is until it's pulled away and sandwiched between someone's hand, the warmth engulfing me allowing me to start taking slower breaths, but still panting heavily for oxygen.
" Feel this." My hand is guided to a surface and I try to concentrate on the beating of the heart. The soft pulsing against the chest, slow and steady. My other hand is guided back to my own chest, mine beating fast and not in control.
" Concentrate." I can finally make out that it's Lisa. Her voice starts to become more clear as my breathing goes on a more controlled pace once I concentrate on both the beating hearts. One heart made of pure shadow while mine is made with light; drowning by the shadow slowly.
I finally get a track of my breathing, coming back onto the surface of land. My body now relaxes from it's tense state and I exhale a long sigh, coming back from the land of anxiety. My hand is gently placed back on the couch and any emotion of sadness I had is gone.
My body simply doesn't know how to feel anything anymore. It's like I'm slowly going numb.
" You have to understand that we did it for you." Jennie's words only makes it worse. Another two souls died because of me. They might have been souls turned dark, but they were still souls. Souls that lived on this planet but the freedom of life is taken away from them and that was because of me.
" Why can't you just let me go?" I voice out, barely a whisper which is heard by the two figures.
" You simply just don't understand. Do you not see what others can do? How they harmed you? We want to keep you safe, you're only safe with us. You're ours to love and ours to have." Her rhetorical questions leaves me biting my lip, thinking of a reply to retort back to her. It's dangerous with my fierceness still alive, with me talking back to them continuously; it's dangerous. I should feel scared of them, and trust me I am. It's just that I've been with them for too long from kids to teenagers and even adults to picture them as this villain.
Villains aren't born, they are made and I only wonder what could have possibly turned these angles to the devils now sitting beside me.
" So what? You're just going to keep me locked up here until I die? Is that what you want? Caging me in this house like an animal in a cage?" Whatever Jennie drugged me with doesn't give me enough energy to yell or make my point more aggressive but it doesn't mean I'm not able to talk. Being in the state I am, I only see Jennie bite the insides of her cheeks and fist her hands to her side; avoiding to put me in any more further pain.
" You are only making yourself feel like a prisoner. Accept your fate, learn to love us and quit being a brat then maybe you might feel like you're at home. If you keep pushing yourself to do things we don't like, then you'll just have to endure your punishments over and over until you have got it imprinted in your head that you're ours." Jennie is almost setting a deal for me while also sending a threat my way.
Now I know for sure no one is coming for me with Jisoo and Rosé dead. Not that they were some heroes or anything.
I feel insane for even considering Jennie's words. Should I accept my fate and just let them control me however they please?
Should I give in to them?
Should I start loving them?
Should I become theirs?
-
A/N; I'm literally hooked onto this amazing wattpad book ( literally the best on this whole app) and had to force myself to update today.
Easter break starts tomorrow for me, you can expect more updates <3